A/N: Hi, sorry for the delay but as always thank you for sticking around and the support. I have another chapter finished so expect another update soon like later today. I like updating multiple chapters at a time.
Also, I don't own anything and sorry for mistakes! :)
Chapter Thirteen
She awoke before Emma and headed straight to the shower. She needed to wash the night before off of her. She felt dirty in a way and she had never felt that way with Emma before but there was just something about that night that just made her skin crawl and made her scrub herself even harder but no matter how hard she scrubbed she still felt unclean. The feeling made her sick to her stomach. She couldn't deal with that. She couldn't face that. She didn't know Emma anymore. She went to bed with her girlfriend and woke up to a complete stranger. She sure as hell did not want that person touching her. Ever.
She let the hot water run over her for a while longer until she decided that she had to face the day. She slowly climbed out of the shower and began to dry herself. The entire time she was wondering just how the hell she was going to face Emma after that. She really didn't want to and she partially hoped that she could avoid it but she wouldn't be that lucky. On the same hand she wanted answers. She wanted to know that Emma was the same woman that she had fallen in love with. She wrapped the soft towel around her body and reluctantly stepped out of the bathroom. The cool air hit her skin and it woke her up fully. Which was good since she was still so exhausted. She couldn't fall back asleep, especially when she felt Emma's eyes on her. She stayed up most of the night but once she felt Emma give into sleep, she herself fell into a very short, restless, much too light sleep. She still couldn't relax. She felt uncomfortable and uneasy. Which was terrible to feel in her own house but here she was tiptoeing across her bedroom as to not wake her houseguest. She retrained from glancing over at Emma because she just couldn't. It was too much. Instead she walked over to her dresser and pulled out a simple outfit for the day. She quickly dressed hoping that she would finish before Emma awoke. She just didn't feel comfortable with Emma looking at her body at that moment. Once her clothes were straightened. She forgone on blow drying her hair because she couldn't risk the noise waking Emma so, instead she simply brushed it and allowed it to take its natural curly form. It worked for her. She mustered all of her courage and looked back over at the bed. Emma was still fast asleep on her stomach sprawled out all over the bed. The odd part was that when she looked over next to Emma, Brock had snuggled up to her and was steadily licking her face. Emma didn't even feel it which wasn't surprising. Regina knew that Emma was a heavy sleeper. Any other time that would have made Regina giggle or smile but right it just confused her. That woman laying there was her Emma. Where had she been before? The odd part was that a few hours before Brock had been horrified of Emma and if Regina was completely honest, so was she. That woman that she had fallen asleep with that time was not the same woman she had laid beside so many times before. It was like sleeping with a stranger and it spooked Regina. She was afraid that all of this time Emma had been pretending to be the kind, sweet woman she was. She was afraid that Emma was showing her true colors because she didn't care anymore. Regina feared that she was going to find herself heartbroken again. It always starts that way. The person that she falls in love with turns out to be a complete inconsiderate asshole. She winds up shattered in pieces while that person walks away with another piece of her. How long before there's nothing left? This time would be no different. She lost Emma before she even had her. That was it. End of story. There was nothing more she could do. She had no choice but to get on with her day.
Her very existence depended on that she keep moving. She couldn't fall apart. Not again. She would never be able to put herself back together. She squared her shoulders and called Brock over to her. The dog sat up and was immediately on his feet. He leapt down from the bed, clumsily and trotted over to her. He looked up at her with that happy face of his and she couldn't help but smile at him. She excited him with the promise of bacon and he was almost bouncing out of his fur. She pulled her bedroom door open and they headed out of the bedroom. Regina nearly tripped over the large black lump right in front of her door. She looked down to see Brutus. He looked up at her and she saw something almost like relief in his dark eyes. The dog wasted no time getting up to greet her. She smiled and scratched behind his ears. He nuzzled her a little then looked up at her again. She kissed his nose and couldn't help but think about how that was a tremendous difference from his demeanor the night before. She didn't even recognize him then. He was angry and aggressive. Scary. That was not like Brutus. Brutus is a good boy. Something had to have frightened him in order for him to act out in such a way. Now her little baby was back. He poked his head into Regina's bedroom and stared at Emma's sleeping form. Regina waited to see what he was going to do. She wondered if he would behave like Brock did. After a moment he started wagging his tail and whining. Regina raised her brows surprised by it and ushered him out of the room before he woke Emma. She recognized his behaviour as Brutus wanting to play but he couldn't because the person was busy or sleeping. To think a few hours before he wanted to attack Emma. Regina's head was starting to hurt and she needed to sort everything out. She bribed Brutus with a promise of bacon as well. He excitedly wagged his tail agreeing. The three of them then slipped out of the room and headed downstairs.
Regina's nurturing side had gotten the better of her and she still made Emma a full breakfast with hot cocoa. It was waiting for the cop and when Emma came downstairs dressed in her full uniform, Regina regrettably denied her a 'good morning' kiss. She felt the pang of disappointment that casted across Emma's adorable face. Emma had no idea how badly Regina wanted that kiss but she had to protect herself. She couldn't take another heartbreak. She just couldn't.
She observed Emma as she settled at the breakfast bar and began her meal. She took her first bite and groaned as her eyes rolled back in her head. She offered Regina a thumbs up and Regina simply forced a smile in return then went about cleaning the already immaculate kitchen. She kept an eye on Emma though. Emma was sneaking Brutus and Brock pieces of bacon. The boys seemed to have forgiven her though. Regina recognized that woman. That was her Emma. Those bright green eyes, that pretty smile. The smooth fair skin. Those pretty pink lips and that golden hair. She looked nothing like the ghoul that Regina had come in contact with in the dead of night. No. This just looked like Emma Swan. Her sweet Emma. Seeing the soft smile on Emma's lips even made her doubt herself. She thought maybe she dreamt it but Regina knows herself well enough to know that she wouldn't be that rattled from just a dream. It was real. Her mind was reeling and her thoughts were already a jumbled mess. She decided to ask Emma what the hell happened and get it over with. Just for the sake of her sanity.
"Emma, sweetie," She began as calmly as she could while she was freaking out. "Last night, pardon me but, what the hell was that?"
Nothing but nervousness and pure confusion played across those emerald eyes and it caused Regina to doubt herself again for a moment. "What do you mean, baby?" Emma asked calmly.
"Emma," Regina squeaked. "Last night when you nearly scared Brock to death and Brutus almost mauled you."
Emma's mouth fell open and her eyes widened. She tilted her head and looked at Regina as if she's never seen her a day in her life. Regina couldn't help but think bitterly that that was exactly what she felt the night before, confused. "Gina, what are you talking about? Are you feeling okay?"
Regina's mouth fell open then and she muttered out a bunch of incoherent words. She planted her hands on her hips. "I'm fine."
Emma brows rose and she nodded. "That so?" She reached for Regina but she moved before Emma could grab a hold of her. "Because you don't seem fine..." She added pulling back.
Regina scowled. "Yes well, I thought you were a cop not a psychiatrist."
Emma let out an exasperated sigh and rubbed her forehead. "What do you want from me, Regina?"
Regina bristled at the irritation in Emma's voice. "Nothing!" She screamed. Emma looked completely wounded by her reaction but Regina didn't care at the moment. Emma was trying to act like Regina was out of her mind. That was something that didn't sit well with Regina. She had her reasons why. "I don't want anything from you, Emma Swan." She bit out.
Emma frowned and for a moment Regina thought she was going to tear up. Just a small hint of remorse. Anything but Emma just rubbed a hand over her face and groaned. "Baby, you have to help me. Why are you mad?"
Regina growled in exasperation. "I'm mad because I'm trying to talk about last night and you're dodging it the way my brother dodges phone calls from my mother." At Emma's furrowed brow she waved it off. "I want to talk about it."
Emma frowned and sat back in her seat. "We had sex then we went to sleep. Was it the sex? I could have sworn you finished with me."
"I finished, Emma." Regina sighed. "I'm talking about what happened after."
"I held you."
"Emma!" Regina squeaked. Emma flinched a little at the rise of Regina's voice. "I'm talking about what happened when we woke up in the middle of the night. When you scared the dogs and you weren't acting like yourself."
Emma brows came together and she shook her head with a frown. "Regina, I swear to you, I do not remember waking up. Please don't get mad at me for not remembering. I'm sorry if I did something to hurt you. I just don't remember." Her voice softened. "Please stop being mad at me. I don't want to lose my best friend."
Regina gasped and her resolve almost broke at that small statement. Those words held so much weight. Emma called her her best friend. That did something to Regina's heart and she hated herself for falling deeper in love with her right then. As if she didn't learn last time. That couldn't happen. Not again. She stared at Emma. The blonde cop was sitting there gazing up into her eyes. Regina saw nothing but honesty in those green eyes and she had a feeling in her gut that Emma was telling the truth. Emma had no recollection of even waking up in the middle of the night, nor did she remember the altercation with Brutus. The sincerity in Emma's eyes made Regina fall silent and think for a moment that she was indeed losing her mind. The boys did not help with their rekindled friendship with Emma either. Regina decided just to let it go before she lost Emma for good.
Sure Emma was sweet and understanding but there's only so much a person could take. Regina thought quietly. Maybe she had dreamt it or maybe she was losing her mind. But what if she wasn't? What if she's going to get hurt again?
"Baby." Emma's voice was gentle and she sounded so open. Regina looked up at her. "Come here."
Regina wrapped her arms around herself, a coping mechanism that she developed when she was much younger. "Emma, I'm sorry."
"Shhh..." Emma said gently. "It's okay. Come here."
Regina hesitated but when Emma pushed her seat back and stood, she knew that Emma would have just come to her anyway, the least she could have done was went to her. She walked the length of the counter, each step she thought of how she had to make it up to Emma. She felt terrible. She let her fear almost ruin her relationship. She wouldn't be surprised if Emma wanted to walk away. No one wants to deal with that. The insecurity, the blaming, the fighting. Emma deserved better than that anyway.
When she rounded the counter, Emma stepped forward to meet her. She opened her arms and Regina just stepped directly into them and wrapped herself in Emma. Emma hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead. "Good morning." She said lightly. Regina chuckled.
"I'm such an idiot. You probably think I'm a head case." Regina groaned on the last part.
"I think you've been burned." Emma whispered. "I think someone hurt you really bad and you're scared. I know that you really want this and so do I. I also think it's time you started trusting me, I will never hurt you. I promise."
Regina looked up into Emma's eyes and saw all that she said right there reflecting back at her. "I do trust you. You haven't given me a reason not to. It's just that I'm an idiot."
Emma gave Regina a squeeze. "Don't say that. You're the smartest person I have ever met. Any genius would be jealous. Beauty and brains is a very attractive combination."
Regina chuckled and it turned into a groan. "You're too good to me."
"You're too good to me." Emma countered. Regina smiled. Emma returned it as she leaned in for a kiss. Regina of course welcomed the sweet gentle kiss. Emma's lips were so soft and her mouth tasted like chocolate and cinnamon. She easily melted into the kiss and the little incident was momentarily forgotten.
She couldn't believe that she accused Emma... what was she even accusing her of? She must have been losing it.
When they broke away Emma looked at her watch and kept one hand on Regina's back. She sighed and reluctantly detangled herself from Regina. "I'm sorry. I slept late. I have to get to work if I want to be on time."
"Emma..." Regina groaned as she wrapped herself around Emma again. Emma chuckled.
"I have to go."
"I wasted our morning with nonsense. I want to spend some time with you. Stay."
"I wish I could." The misery in Emma's tone pretty much proved that she was telling the truth. "But I have to go." She slipped out of Regina's arms and reached for her hand. "Walk me to the car?"
"That bitch Sunshine." Regina grumbled.
Emma laughed. "Don't hate the car, baby." She interlaced their fingers and gave Regina a gentle tug. She allowed Emma to lead her out of the kitchen and through the house. The entire time she was beating herself up for being so awful to Emma. Emma seemed like she was pretty much over it. Regina knew better. Regina would just wait for her to text her and say she couldn't do it anymore. She knew that this would be the end of them.
Emma stopped at the front door and grabbed her duffle bag. She must have brought it downstairs and dropped it off there.
"I'll talk to you on my lunchbreak." Emma said gently. She kissed Regina's cheek. "And no more of this. We're leaving this here in the past. We're moving forward."
Regina nodded. "Alright."
Emma smiled. "That's my girl."
Regina smiled back as Emma pulled the front door open. The lovely morning came in and Regina scrunched her nose at it. Emma chuckled at her face and kissed her cheek again. Regina allowed herself to be lead out of the house onto the porch and Regina's frown deepened. All of her neighbors were out. Getting the paper, tending to their lawn and plants or leaving for work.
The nice older man next door greeted them with a happy wave and a smile. They waved back and headed down the driveway. Emma kept a firm grip on her hand. Regina looked at Emma and watched her a moment. There was a small smile on her lips and she looked so content. Regina loved the way that the sun's rays played off of those golden tresses. Emma was absolutely beautiful. She looked almost angelic and Regina couldn't look away. She could hear her neighbour's voice as he played with the dogs that had obviously followed them out but she couldn't tear her gaze from Emma.
She only stopped staring when Emma opened the gate and held it open for her. She slipped out and pulled Emma along with her. They walked up to the bright yellow car that was parked at the curb. She frowned.
"Oh stop it." Emma chuckled. "I thought you liked my car."
"I do." Regina pouted. "You're leaving me."
"Actually I'm going to work. I'm not leaving because I want to." Emma corrected. She pecked her lips really quickly but before she could pull away, Regina leaned in and kissed her deeply. Emma hummed and leaned into the kiss. They allowed themselves a few more moments before pulling apart. "Text me if you miss me." She breathed out.
"Okay." Regina sighed. Emma winked at her then went to get into her car but Regina kept a firm grip on her hand. Emma stopped and looked at her. "I'm really sor-" She didn't get to finish the sentence because Emma cut her off.
"Regina," Emma said seriously. "What did we agree on? That's in the past."
"I know but-"
"We're fine." Emma reassured. "Babe, you're perfect."
"Hardly." Regina muttered.
Emma kissed her cheek. "Give yourself a break." She smiled. "Get out, see Monica and don't torture yourself, okay?"
Regina nodded. "Okay."
"That's my queen." Emma muttered before stealing one last kiss then she climbed into the car. They both knew that if she didn't do that right then, she would have never left. That was fine with Regina though.
Regina stepped up to the car and peeked in through the window as Emma started it. "Have a good day, Em. Be careful."
Emma looked over at her and grinned. "You too."
Regina nodded. "I promise."
Emma smiled. "Good."
Regina waved at her and Emma waved back. Regina stepped back so Emma could pull off. Emma honked the horn then she was off. Regina stood there and watched her go until the car turned a corner vanishing from sight. She sighed and felt a sinking feeling in stomach. She was confused and she felt like shit. She was almost positive of what she saw and heard. She knew what happened but Emma was clueless of the whole thing. Also Emma never snapped or even got angry while she was being wrongly accused. She knew that Emma said she wouldn't push her away but Regina knew better. New couples don't move past things like that easily.
Regina groaned as she stepped back into her yard and closed her gate behind her. She slowly began heading up the pathway. The dogs were off playing by themselves because the man had apparently gone back inside. When the dogs saw her they ran up to her and followed her into the house, bouncing up and down, full of energy.
She shut the door behind them and went straight for the stairs and headed up. She mindlessly dragged herself down the hallway to her bedroom. She slipped out of her shoes and walked over to her bed. She fell onto her bed face down. She didn't even want to bother changing the sheets just yet. She just wanted to wallow in self pity. Despite what Emma had said Regina knew in her heart of hearts that something was up. She felt like she was losing her mind. She didn't know what to believe. Doubting Emma was painful enough but she was beginning to doubt herself. She sighed. She felt the tightening in her chest and she felt the weight holding her down again. She knew what that was and what that meant. She struggled to exhale and inhale again. There was too much pressure.
The pressure just increased and she coughed trying open up her airways. She mustered up all of her strength and rolled onto her back thinking that it would help her to breathe but she knew better. She still felt like she was suffocating. She coughed and her chest just tightened further. The room began spinning and everything was moving so fast. She couldn't catch up. She felt slightly nauseous so she squeezed her eyes shut trying to will it away. She could still feel the dizziness but it helped with the other overwhelming sensations. There was nothing more she could do but wait until it passed. She was helpless. She felt paralyzed and she had nothing more to do but let the lone tear trickle down her cheek.
Emma threw her things into her locker. She was raging internally. The beast had apparently shown itself to Regina the night before, scaring her and the dogs. She was relieved that it didn't harm any of them but she was highly annoyed that it showed itself to Regina yet again. This time Regina noticed the difference and obviously didn't like it. Whatever the beast said or did, it really upset her. Emma still didn't know what had happened exactly and she couldn't ask. Not if she wanted to keep up the facade of not knowing what her girlfriend was talking about to begin with. Whatever it did or said must have been bad but but not too bad because Regina wasn't afraid of her. Just cautious and angry.
Emma felt guilty that she had to lie to Regina. She felt worse that she had to make it appear that Regina had dreamt it or imagined it but she had to do what was best. Regina could never know what Emma truly was or the things that the Beast had done. Regina would hate her and Emma would lose her forever. She didn't even want to think of what the beast would do to her. She had to keep Regina safe and that meant keeping Regina as far away from the beast as possible. As long as she kept her lives separate everything should be fine.
The beast was not going to make it easy of course. It had somehow formed an obsession with Regina. The entire ride from Regina's place to the police station, it ranted about Regina not wanting it. It was furious that Regina rejected it. That of course caused Emma to smirk. Regina didn't want the beast to touch her. She had chosen Emma. Emma was who she wanted. Not the monster hiding inside of her. She wanted the good her. She wanted what the beast couldn't offer. Affection and security. Regina was Emma's and the beast couldn't have her. The obsession that her inner beast had formed with Regina was a bit unnerving but Emma was confident that after Regina's reaction to it, the beast would understand that Regina has no desire for and no interest in its darkness.
She had to now keep the beast away from Regina. She couldn't let that happen again. She refused to let it ruin everything. Not this time.
She was not going to lose her girlfriend. Not like that. She planned to hold onto that love. But as for the beast... She had had enough.
That's why she had been drowning out its murmurs for the past ten minutes and was focused on putting her things into her locker. She could feel and hear it getting angry but she didn't care. She planned to fight back. She wasn't going to take its threats any more either. During her drive she thought of ways to protect Regina. The one that she kept coming back to was self-defense. She could teach her to defend herself, to use a taser and should the beast get out of hand a gun. She knew that she would rather die than let that monster harm Regina and she meant that. She decided she would discuss self-defense with Regina eventually. It didn't seem strange. A cop wanting to teach their girlfriend to protect herself was perfectly normal.
She shut her locker and put her cap on. She turned on her heel and walked out of the empty locker room. She could hear the beast whispering for her to come back but she ignored it. She could feel its eyes on her as she left the room. She didn't even bother to look back, leaving it behind. One day it would be gone for good.
She walked down the hall with an extra spring in her step now that the beast was left behind and wasn't there to weigh her down.
The room felt too small and the world outside felt so vast. If she stayed in she thought she would suffocate and if she went out she would be lost forever. She inhaled deeply and her fingers tightened in the fur that was clutched in her hand. She felt hives breaking out on her skin and she had the sudden urge to scratch until she was raw. She exhaled. She felt light headed and her chest felt too heavy to inhale. She could feel herself shaking.
She knew exactly what this was. She was familiar with it. She's dealt with it for years and it never seemed to get any better. She was suffering from a panic attack. She was having a more difficult time dealing with it since she hadn't had one in months. It was far too intense. A tear trickled down her cheek and she sat there frozen, staring off into nothing. Her mind was a jumbled mess and she couldn't sort her thoughts.
She was securely wedged between her boys. She was sat up against her headboard with her knees pulled up against her chest and one of her arms was wrapped around them. She couldn't lay down, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to breathe so despite her tiredness she stayed up.
She had been ignoring Emma's calls and messages all day. Every time her phone would ring or notify her of a message she would panic. She loved Emma too much and Emma could break her if she wanted. Even though she and Emma had sorted it out, in the back of her mind she still had that fear of losing her. She couldn't go through that again. She had her tattoos to remind her. How could she have forgotten how fragile a heart could be? She swiped angrily at her cheeks. This was all her fault. She reached over for her phone. She had silenced it earlier. She couldn't deal with the sound. She needed to speak to someone. She picked up her phone which was wedged under a sleeping Brutus. He huffed at being disturbed. That made her smile a little and she began to calm a bit but she knew that her anxiety hadn't passed.
"Well, you shouldn't be sleeping on Mommy's phone, you big oaf." She said lightly. His eyes opened at the sadness in her voice. He looked up at her and Brock did the same. She looked at her dogs that were looking at her with so much worry in their eyes. "I'm okay. Go back to sleep."
Brutus whined and nuzzled her side. She turned to him and petted him. She leaned over and took his face in her hands. "It's okay. Really. I love you." She kissed his nose then. His tongue fell out of his mouth and he began wagging his large tail. He nuzzled her face then licked her cheek. She chuckled. "Disgusting"
She patted his head then turned to Brock who was waiting for his affection. She did the same with him and kissed his nose too. He returned it by rubbing his nose against hers and she smiled with a shake of her head.
"What would I do without you two here to take care of me?" She whispered. She kissed both of their heads. They both eyed her suspiciously but once they were sure that she was okay they laid down and closed their eyes.
She sighed and began to call Monica. She really shouldn't be alone but she knew that Monica had her own life and shouldn't be babysitting her. In the end Monica would kill her if she found out that Regina had a panic attack and didn't call her.
She pressed the phone to her ear and waited. It rang only a few times before it was picked up and Monica's voice drifted through the line. "Hey sexy." She said happily. "What are you doing?"
"Hey Monica." Regina said softly, trying to keep the agony out of her voice. "Can you come over?" Her voice shook on the last part and she cleared her throat. It suddenly felt tight and dry.
"Are you alright?" Monica asked quickly.
"Something happened." Regina replied. "And I had a panic attack."
"And how are you feeling now?"
"Better." Regina said only half honestly. "Much better."
Monica hummed. Clearly not buying it. "I'll be there in ten."
Regina sighed. "Alright."
"Take it easy until I get there." Monica demanded. Her tone left no room for argument. Doctor's orders.
"Okay."
"Okay see you soon, babe." Monica said quickly and blew Regina a kiss.
"See you then." Regina said back.
They both ended the call then Regina tossed the phone aside. She slid down the bed and laid back against the pillows. She felt tired and drained. She needed to rest. She didn't suffocate when she laid down so she found some comfort in that. She curled up onto her side and snuggled into Brutus. She could feel Brock cuddle into her back. She smiled a little. She always felt safe with them. She sighed deeply and just stared out of the open window. She knew that Monica would be there soon and she would know what to do. So she decided to wait.
Ten minutes had passed before Regina heard her front door open and close. The only person whom had a key beside her was her family and Monica. She knew it was her. She couldn't wait to tell her what happened. She heard Monica's foot steps as she grew closer to the bedroom. Regina sat up just as Monica entered through the opened door. Their eyes met and Regina immediately burst into tears.
Monica was across the room in an instant and in the bed. She knelt before Regina and instantly pulled her into her arms. She rubbed Regina's back as she cried. Monica was always that way. She truly cared for Regina. She always wanted to take care of everyone and that's what made her such a good doctor.
"Hey," Monica whispered as Regina's sobs began to settle. "What's wrong?"
Regina inhaled deeply then exhaled. She knew that she had to tell her eventually. She looked up at her friend. Those kind dark blue eyes were watching her with so much sympathy that another sob escaped Regina. Before she burst into tears again she rushed out the entire story to Monica in a blur of mumbles and incoherent sobs. Her best friend listened with a gentle hand on her back. Regina told Monica how Emma had awoken her during the night. She also explained that Brock was terrified and Brutus was angry. She also went on to tell how Emma was acting strangely and how it almost didn't seem like Emma Swan at all. That seemed to shock Monica because she froze. Regina looked back up at her friend and saw her stoic expression.
"It was as if I didn't know her at all." Regina said as she pulled away from her friend and wiped at her wet cheeks. "Everything about her was cold. Her voice, her eyes. Even when she touched me."
Monica nodded as she nibbled her bottom lip. She watched her distraught friend for a moment before seemingly deciding on what she was going to say and how to approach this situation.
"What did Emma say when you confronted her?"
Regina frowned and shrugged. "She didn't remember waking up in the middle of the night."
"Could you have dreamt the whole thing?" Monica asked gently. "It would be a strange one but it could have been a nightmare."
Regina shook her head. No matter how many times she tried to tell herself that, the idea didn't seem right. "It felt too real." Then how could she explain Emma not remembering?
"I think you had a nightmare." Monica concluded gently. "It shook you up because of your past. You've been hurt before and pretty damn bad." She gave Regina a gentle squeeze. "And you don't want to go through that again. I mean, who could blame you? You thought Emma was safe so the first sign of danger you want to flee but I think you need to just let yourself love her. I know how you love and I also think that Emma is safe. No I know she is."
Regina snuggled closer to Monica and grumbled some what-ifs. Monica of course was having none it.
"I looked into Emma's eyes when I met her and I saw so much pain there. It was deep and it was strong but you know what sparkled in those big green eyes even brighter?"
Regina looked up into Monica's eyes and sighed. "What?"
"Love. The love that she has for you. That girl is madly in love with you, Regina." Monica answered with a small smile. "I have never seen anything like it. The way she watched you. Her eyes would soften and nothing existed but you. It's intense but that woman would do anything for you, Regina. Please don't throw away something that could be the best thing that has ever happened to you because you're afraid. In the end Regina, you have to live for you. I understand what happened to you and it sucked. My heart is still broken from your heart break but we picked up the pieces and you're healing. Let Emma help you."
"Monica." Regina whispered. "I want to."
"Then do it. Don't be afraid anymore." Monica said firmly. "Fight back. Take all that Emma is trying to give and don't hold back. No fear. If you show fear then that asshole that hurt you won. Don't let them win."
Regina nodded against Monica's shoulder. She was right. She did love Emma. If Emma didn't remember it and the dogs didn't maybe she did dream it and her inner agony caused her to give in to an irrational fear. She almost lost Emma because of it. She felt instant anger with herself. It bubbled up within her chest but before it got too far a soft kiss was pressed into her hair. She looked up at Monica. The woman smiled at her.
"None of that. I know you, Regina. Don't get angry with yourself. But..." She grabbed Regina's phone off of the comforter and handed it to her. "You need to call your sexy cop. Tell her you miss her because you know you do."
"Okay." Regina said, accepting the phone. She did indeed need to speak to Emma. Even if it was just to hear her voice.
Monica nodded. "But lie down first." She helped Regina to do just that before laying beside her, between her and Brutus. "Get some rest. You need to regroup.
Regina sighed. She began to relax a little. She felt much better. Leave it to Monica to put everything into perspective for her. Regina knew that she needed to push that fear away. She needed to be fearless when it came to Emma and she could do that and she was ready.
She was indeed exhausted though. She could finally rest easy. Maybe some sleep was exactly what she needed before she tackled matters of the heart.
Emma carefully rang the doorbell and waited. She hadn't spoken to Regina all day. She tried to call and text but she hadn't gotten a reply and she panicked briefly that Regina was ignoring her but she shook that thought off. Regina wouldn't ignore her. That's not like her. There had to be an explanation. She just hoped that everything was alright. She was just glad that she was going to see to Regina finally. She needed to know for sure. She wasn't sure if they were to the point in their relationship where Emma could just pop up unannounced but she needed to check on her.
"She probably realized what a loser you were." Emma heard a very familiar voice say. She flinched at the scratchy growl. "Maybe she realized that she could do better."
Emma ignored it and she stood on the porch rocking back and forth on her heels. She wasn't going to respond like she did last time. She wasn't going to fall for that and let the beast back in just yet. She is way stronger than that. She is stronger than the beast. That entire day just proved it. She had been fighting off the beast continuously throughout the day and she felt braver than ever. She was not going to give up now.
"I say we do the inevitable now and save us the heartache later." Emma saw the glimpse of the creature sitting on the porch swing watching her. "At least we'll always know where she is.. at the lake."
Emma felt anger fill her chest at the Beast suggesting they kill Regina again. She didn't respond though. That's what it wanted.
"She's so stuck up." It added. "I don't see what you see in her. I mean, sure she's beautiful but so are a ton of other women."
Emma stayed focused on Regina. Her smile, her eyes, her sexy purr of a voice. That kept her grounded and made it easier to ignore that monster. She reached up and rang the bell again. She was positive that Regina was home.
"Fine. Don't listen." The beast whispered. The sound felt like it was whispered directly in her ear. She didn't react she just kept staring at the door. "But you'll see it my way one day." Then just like that it was gone.
Emma heard a muffled 'Coming' and she smiled. After a moment she heard the locks click then the door was pulled open. Regina poked her head out through the small crack. She was completely make-up free and her hair was a bit disheveled. She rubbed at her eyes and Emma thought that was adorable. She blinked a few times and she took a look at Emma. She smiled and pulled the door open the rest of the way. There she stood in those cute light blue yoga pants she had on earlier along with the while tanktop. That perfect cleavage was on display again as usual.
"Hola Hermosa." Regina said smoothly with a sexy roll of her tongue. Emma's heart skipped a beat. She looked her girlfriend over before looking up into those dark eyes.
"Hey Baby." Emma said happily. "Had a nap?"
Regina giggled. "Yes. I would have preferred to have taken one with you."
"Yeah?" Emma asked.
"I missed you."
Emma grinned. Regina was in a much better mood than she was that morning. "How much?"
"So much it feels like you've been gone for days." Regina said with a pout.
"Baby."
"Emma..."
Emma grinned even wider. "I missed you too."
"I want you right now."
Emma chuckled. She knew what that meant. "You can have me whenever you want me."
Regina chuckled then grabbed Emma's hand. She stepped out onto the front porch and began leading her over to the porch swing. She sat then Emma took the spot beside her. Emma stayed quiet. Regina just stared off at nothing in particular and said nothing. Emma was unsure of what was going to happen but she just waited, enjoying the weather and Regina's company. After a moment Regina spoke. "Emma, I know you said you wanted to leave this behind us but I really want to apologize for my behavior this morning."
Emma flinched. She hated for Regina to apologize for something that the beast had done but it wasn't like Emma could tell her that. So she had to do something that made her stomach turn and made her feel disgusting. She lied again. "It's okay. Baby. We're okay."
Regina sighed and fell silent again as if deciding on what she wanted to say next. Regina inhaled sharply. "Okay." She said finally. "Emma, there's a reason why I..." She trailed off and went silent. She reached out for Emma's hand and Emma of course took it. She intertwined their fingers and stayed quiet. She could tell that Regina was trying to gather her thoughts. She didn't know what Regina was going to tell her but she wanted her to feel comfortable with talking to her. "I... oh, this is hard."
"You can tell me anything, Gina." Emma said gently.
Regina hummed. "Well Emma, I've been through some horrible things and it changed me. I used to be this girl that was so open to love. I wanted to give my heart to someone so badly but then when that thing happened, that girl died. Now I'm left as just a shell of her. I'm scared, Emma." The last part came out as a broken whisper. Emma's heart squeezed and she wanted to cry. She did not like hearing Regina sound that way. "Sometimes I'll be open and loving and others I'll be afraid like I was earlier." She sighed. "What I'm saying is, I need you to be patient with me, Emma. What I feel for you is real. I'm not afraid anymore. I know I can trust you."
Emma fell silent for a moment. She didn't know what to think. She had no idea that Regina was hurting so badly. She was always so full of love. She never behaved like someone that was broken. Sure there were the tattoos that piqued Emma's curiosity but she didn't know it was that deep. She was thankful for her opening up even though Emma has been lying to her for the past few weeks. "Thank you for opening up, baby."
"I want to tell you everything but I'm just not ready yet." Regina said softly. "I will soon but I just can't. I hope you understand."
"Of course I do, babe." Emma said instantly although inside she was dying to know Regina's secret but she couldn't push. For one out of respect for Regina and for two, Emma was holding on to a secret that was a doozy. "Whenever you're ready I will be here to listen."
Regina exhaled softly in relief and pulled Emma's hand into her lap. "Thank you, Emma. Thank you for being so understanding. You are so amazing."
Emma smiled then. Regina was so sweet. "Thank you and you are incredible."
"Yeah?" Regina purred and Emma knew that meant that Regina was done with the heavy stuff. She wanted to just flirt a little and Emma would give her that.
"Yes Beautiful." Emma said. She smirked when her girlfriend giggled. She was obviously feeling better.
Emma was just glad that they were passed this. Now that's in the past and they can move forward.
"Emma," Regina said softly.
"Yes Baby girl?" Emma replied looking over at her.
"We're okay, right?" Regina asked softly.
Emma's brows rose. "We're excellent, Regina."
Regina fell silent again and all that could be heard is the afternoon turning to evening. The birds were quieting down for the night and were replaced by crickets. Emma couldn't help but enjoy that moment. Just the two of them and the sky turning a burnt orange and gold. It was beautiful.
After a moment Regina spoke. "I never want to lose you."
Emma smiled a little at that. It made her feel good to be needed in someone's life. Especially Regina's. It's a freeing feeling to be needed after being unwanted for so long "Good because you never will."
"Good." Regina giggled. The entire mood shifted and things seemed a bit lighter. Regina rested her head on Emma's shoulder as they swung back and forth gently. "So how was your day?"
Emma chuckled and leaned back against the swing. "Babe, where do I start?"
Thanks for reading.
Regina's thoughts. Like the back and forth was just to give a glimpse of Regina's own issues. She's dealing with some things and that's part of it. I'll explain more later.