AN: Morning update! Sorry, I may be going through the calendar too fast - it's already Christmas. But I need the Marauders to know soon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the herby written characters. Might I add that I don't own Hogwarts? I know, bummer.
Enjoy! xD
Oh, wait! WARNINGS: Child abuse, swearing, panic attack.
NOW you can enjoy!
Sirius followed his friends to breakfast and sat down. He had to find a way to avoid it and Remus' looks. He just couldn't eat. Not when he didn't deserve it. Not when he was a traitor, a liar.
"Post!" James smiled as owls swooped down around them. "I'm expecting a letter from Mum."
Sirius bit down the pang of jealousy. He watched an owl landed before him, an elegant scroll tied to it's leg. The seal on the letter was of a dark green, a waxed insignia of darkness.
And he immediately knew who it was from.
His heartbeat was pounding in his ears, his fingers, his body. It claimed the short breaths that slid through his lips, swirling in his vision and constricting his chest.
No, no, no. Nononono…
"Sirius?"
Nononono…
"Sirius!"
He looked over to see Remus staring at him. "Are you going to take your letter?"
Sirius ripped the letter off of the owl's leg and ran.
He didn't know where he was going; he just had to get away from his friends, from the joyful clatter that resounded in the Great Hall.
He just had to get away from the letter, the memories, even though he had taken them with him.
He only wanted to flee from everything.
oOo
Sirius-
You are to return home for the holidays. Do not argue. This decision is final.
There was no signature.
He lay his head on his knees and wrapped his arms around himself, one hand balled around the crumpled letter. He squeezed his eyes closed and then sank into a memory.
Orion sets down his glass on the table, hard. His eyes narrow at Sirius and he unsteadily makes his way over to him.
The silver ring Orion wears makes contact with Sirius' face, leaving blood in it's wake. Sirius stumbles back and his shoulders hit the wall.
Orion kicks at him, over and over. Sirius lets a groan escape his lips that he did not mean to let slip out. He is not in control anymore.
His father curses at him, undoes his belt and kicks Sirius onto his stomach. He raises his arm and the belt falls back down.
Pain.
Splintering, burning pain.
"Sirius?"
He rocked back and forth, his eyes shut tightly. He couldn't breath, couldn't breath, panic sending pain shooting up into his chest, burning in his heart. I'm drowning I'm drowning oh fuck help I'm drowning no no no he's going to find me he's going to come nononono -
"Sirius, it's okay," a voice soothed.
His flying heart settled slightly at the sound.
"It's okay, you're okay," it said, tone still gentle and calming. "Everything's fine."
No it's not it's not okay I'm going to go back it's not fine nothing's fine I'm spinning out of control -
A small hand landed on his shoulder. He flinched violently, and it was taken away. "You're at Hogwarts, Sirius. You're okay. Concentrate on me. Do you hear me?"
Okay okay okay okay okay what the fuck does it mean okayokayokayokay IT'S NOT OKAY -
"Sirius, please don't pass out."
He attempted to reign his breathing back into control. What am I doing, freaking out like this?
He opened his eyes and lifted his head, ashamed now that the anxiety was dying. Sirius jumped up and the world spun. She steadied him.
"Do you want some water?"
Nodding mutely, he leaned against the wall, relieved it was only Lily who had seen his breakdown. But wait… "You hate me," he mumbled.
"I hate it when you're an arrogant prick, and I don't think it's right to do all the things you Marauders do, but you looked like you needed help." The redhead waved her wand and caught the glass of water it procured, handing it to him. "I wasn't about to leave you there."
Sirius gratefully drowned the water, gripping the glass forcefully to stop his shaking hands. "Oh."
Lily frowned. "What happened?"
Ignoring her, he focused his grey eyes on the wall opposite him.
"It's fine to have panic attacks, you know, there's nothing wrong with it. I just wonder why. I can help you fix whatever's wrong."
Like hell you can. Sirius stared at Lily for a moment before turning and running.