Disclaimer: I don't own HP.

AN: I can't say anything but I'm sorry.

Sirius was restless.

By the second day of hospitalization, he was already squirming to get out. Not all of it was due to the fact that he was essentially trapped in the hospital wing- in fact, most of it was because of the glances he received.

Some were from Madame Pomfrey- that interfering, meddling witch!- as she asked him if he had eaten at all recently or if his household was, in her words, "toxic."

Well of course it's bloody toxic! It's full to the brim with death eaters, for Merlin's sake!

Yet a particular examination rendered him tired for the following hours; he had been forced to cast a glamour charm over himself, which drained him rather shockingly. Madame Pomfrey had been going to check him over and he was terrified that she would discover the scars littering his body.

But the truly unbearable glances shot at him were those belonging to Sirius' friends. Remus' eyes would follow him, worry clear in the amber orbs, and it gave Sirius a deep ache. If only his friend didn't know- if only he wouldn't look at Sirius like that- if only Remus would've remained content and oblivious…but instead Sirius guiltily watched the werewolf stress over him, unable to quell his friend's concern.

Peter's were nervous and fearful, but it was James' watching eyes that made Sirius want to slam his fist onto the nearest table and scream that he wasn't vulnerable and to stop looking at him like that. For James' gaze never left him; he stared like a hawk, his eyes haunted yet fierce.

And it was thus that Sirius concocted a plan.

It wasn't marvelous, he had to admit. It wasn't stunning or shocking or hilariously funny, but it would serve its purpose.

On the morning he was released from the hospital wing, Sirius went straight to Charms, skipping the last five minutes of breakfast in the Great Hall- he was hungry, no doubt, but the mere thought of food made him recoil in shame. He hadn't swallowed anything but water this for the past few weeks, and he wanted to keep it like that.

"You aren't allowed to eat food, you filthy traitor. Traitors are cowards; you don't deserve to eat."

Orion leaned in closer to Sirius, who was pinned to the wall. His breath was hot on Sirius' gasping throat.

"You don't deserve to live, do you?"

Sirius stumbled back against a wall, trying to shake his father's face from his mind. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve to live.

Shut up, shut up. Remember the plan!

Attempting to ground himself once more, Sirius stood up with a shaky exhale.

"Hey, Sirius!"

He jerked around, arm snapping up to shield his face from the blow that was sure to come.

"Um…are you okay?"

Sirius lowered his arm as Lily came into view, clutching a handful of books, bag slug over her shoulder. Auburn locks spilled over pale arms, brows furrowed in slight bewilderment.

"Fine," he snapped. "So what did you follow me for?"

She blinked, but then continued, not at all undeterred by his brisk statement. "You were in the hospital wing. Were you sick?"

"Dragon Pox. Madame Pomfrey says I'm still contagious."

Her unbelieving raised eyebrow said it all. "Well, since you obviously aren't going to answer truthfully, do you want to want to Charms together?"

"Not interested, Evans," he deadpanned.

"Of course." She waved her hand over her shoulder nonchalantly and set off at a steady pace. "You've got your eye on Remus."

To this Sirius spluttered indignantly, halting sharply. "I have not, you-you insane thing!"

Lily grinned complacently. "Don't worry. You're secret's safe with me."

"I-I have not got a crush on Moony!"

"Your beet red cheeks beg to differ," Lily drawled.

"You're having way too much fun torturing me," Sirius huffed. "And lying," he added pointedly.

"I'm more worried about who was actually torturing you."

Gone was the amusement and light tones; all that was left was Sirius' heart fluttering in his chest and his pale fingers curling into his robes and tensing shoulders and the world that seemed to narrow into a curtain of auburn flames and green hues and fuck no the faded green on the tapestry he was shoved in front of, a knife pressed to his throat, growling words echoing in his head and all he was was a terrified heart struggling to give life to a broken body stop please stop-

"Hey. Hey, it's okay. You're okay, Sirius."

He couldn't concentrate, couldn't formulate words when so many others were crowding him into a tiny closet with walls that sunk into themselves.

Weak. Scum. Coward.

"Don't, don't," he managed. Don't get close; don't tell. Don't hurt me; don't leave.

"I know your parents did it to you, Sirius. You have a cut on your throat." Lily's voice pierced through the haze of bubbling panic. "It's okay, I won't tell."

"Don't let them see me," Sirius breathed, realizing his eyes were closed and making a deliberate effort to open them.

"I won't, I won't. The hallway's empty, Sirius," Lily said.

He could see that now, and Sirius allowed himself to relax against the wall. "Go away."

"Sirius, that's not--"

"Please."

Her eyes were apprehensive.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm fine."

When the girl didn't move he sighed and crossed his arms, fixing his face into an exasperated scowl to hide his shame.

"You don't have to put on that mask, Sirius," Lily whispered finally.

He made a sudden movement, jerking forward and grabbing her wrist tightly.

Fear and shock raging on her face, Lily stumbled backwards. "W-What?"

"Don't tell anyone." Sirius spoke carefully, slowly. "Don't tell and leave me alone."

Releasing her and leaving the girl to follow him to their next class, he turned and headed to Charms, casting a small glamour charm to cover the scar on his throat as he did.

"Hey mate, where were you?" James called from where he was sitting, his legs casually propped up on the top of his desk.

"Took the long way here," Sirius replied casually, taking the seat between James and Remus.

"Legs off the desk, Mr. Potter," Flitwick ordered.

James raised an eyebrow but complied, giving a loud fake yawn as he did.

Flitwick's glare was lost amongst bushy eyebrows.

Sirius was too busy focusing all of his energy into preparing to cast the correct charm to bother paying even the slightest attention to his professor as Flitwick began to talk. He did notice, however, that the short man had begun to write on the board. Grinning as he saw his chance, Sirius muttered the first spell under his breath and then, with a complicated series of jerks preformed by his wrist and a whispered word, uttered the second as well.

The students, many of whom were staring blankly at their professor, instantly straightened, eyes wide until they gave into muffled giggles and choked-back laughs. A few cried out and Lily Evans said sharply, "Professor, your board!"

Flitwick turned around, confused, but the words appeared the same to him as they had before.

Except now everyone besides him could see the letters rearranging themselves, flashing in an obnoxious rainbow as they did. Before their eyes, concentration on the goal twisted into entirely different words: I look like a baboon's backside.

Fighting back the wave of sudden dizziness that threatened to engulf Sirius, he smirked at a loudly guffawing James.

"Merlin, Padfoot!" his friend laughed, all trace of worry gone in his eyes.

But Remus caught his eyes for a fraction of a second, holding his own deeply before breaking away.

He knew why Sirius had done it- to convince James he was okay.

That sideways glance made him bite his lip- it hurt more than being slammed against the floor did.

AN: I really am sorry. I was just stuck with a writers block and I always have loads of homework and I wasn't able to get my creative juices flowing. Sorry. Thank you to all of my reviewers, PLEASE REVIEW PLEASE I CANT LIVE WITHOUT THEM.