The Room of Requirement
Teaching was time-consuming. Equally, she had not been prepared for how quickly time would pass as she focused on her teaching. For a number of weeks, the dungeons had been quiet, so much so that the Slytherins moved back to their common room and Snape to his lodgings. Her own classroom was full of students and a growing menagerie of magical creatures (non-venomous), which often escaped. Leading to students playing, 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' (so named after their course textbook) there was even a club. Severus hated the fact that the students seemed to enjoy spending time learning from her. He was so annoyed with her popularity that he'd gone through a period of blanking her. She had prodded and poked him, spoken to him about mundane rubbish and laughed at him until his resolve to despise her melted.
Of news about the Grants Artefacts, there was very little. Amber had sent some reading material regarding cursed objects and power groupings. Lucius wrote to say that the Americans had asked to meet him in January to discuss Gringotts. She continued to do her own research into how to destroy the Artefacts but everything she read suggested that she would not be strong enough. Every moment she had alone was spent training.
On the first day of the Christmas holidays Arun floated cross-legged in the room of requirement, her new training ground, surrounded by a ball of fire. Working magic without a wand required immense concentration and self-control. The benefit of a wand was that it tempered and focused magic, it bended the force to a will but it also reduced it. That's why the most powerful wands were also the most hard-won and the most difficult to control. Arun had her arms as pointers and her fingers to direct but she was likely to cause major damage if she wasn't careful. She moved her hands, like a tai chi master and the fire stopped spinning around her, protecting her, and it flowed like a serpent into the air. She moved it around the room and then directed it towards an empty suit of bewitched armour which was running around with a shield. The fire serpent crashed into him, melting him into a blob.
Arun bewitched a second suit, this time giving it the purpose to attack her. It charged, and she repelled quickly with a volley of curses. The suit dodged, lept into the air with its sword up. She froze it, then blasted it with a cutting curse that shattered it into a cloud of fine dust.
Somebody started to clap.
Arun spun round, "Sev!" she exclaimed.
"If you wanted to duel-" he attacked. She hardly had time to deflect him before a second flick of his wand sent her shooting across the room. She rolled, righted herself and cast an air shield. Severus watched her with his eyes narrowed. He started to mutter under his breath, she felt the shield breaking and in response, she shot a hot blast of fire across the room. Severus cut it in half and was about to attack again when Arun blasted him a second time, he stumbled, a third time and he was hanging in the air. He used his wand like a whip and she felt the skin rip across her arm. She dropped him and disappeared.
Severus picked himself up off the floor, brushed his hair from his face and cast around, "What kind of magic is this?" he hissed. "Reveal yourself."
Arun laughed, Severus spun and sent a volley of attacks which exploded around her and into her and in her surprise and eagerness to block she couldn't remain hidden. "Fight like the Death Eater you are, Sev!" Arun coaxed. "Don't hold back."
"Crucio," Snape roared.
Arun felt the torture curse smack into her like a train at speed. This was what she wanted to train against but Merlin's beard it was horrid. She was being ripped her apart like a thousand papercuts dipped in lemon juice. She collapsed to her knees. Her hands dug into the ground, but Snape didn't let up. She turned her head to him and saw his dark eyes shine, the wetness of his lips and the catch of eager breath in the back of his throat. She saw all the pain he kept bottled up pouring out of him into her and even though she was in the worst agony imaginable she forced herself to channel it. First into her fist, then into a ball in front of her. Severus' eagerness turned to horror as he saw what she was doing, and as his resolve weakened, her power grew. And soon she was floating above him holding a green ball of sparkling light above her, a ball of pain and anger and sorrow, and she chucked it. Not at Severus, she didn't want to kill him, but at the floor between them. The explosion was enormous. It gouged a crater into the floor and caved in the ceiling. Snape swore and immobilized rocks as they fell around him and Arun cast a protective bubble which made the masonry bounce off. When the dust settled they looked at each other in horror and ran from the room as fast as they could. As they ran they heard Filch, "what's' wrong Mrs Norris, what are those evil students up to now?"
"What was that?" Arundel rounded on Snape when they got back to her rooms. "What were you thinking?"
"I-" Snape's cheeks burned. "I didn't mean-"
Arun grabbed him and pushed him away from her, "You didn't mean to what?" she shouted. "Enjoy it?"
Severus shook his head, his body turned away from her, "I didn't-" he started, his mouth worked a few times and he set his teeth and gave a tortured cry. "I don't!"
Arun blinked in shock, she'd never seen him so angry he couldn't make sense any longer. He strode up to her, towering over her, his face contorted into a furious mask.
"You dare to invite me to attack you and then you get angry when I do as you request. What's wrong with you Arun?" he tried to turn it back on her. "I should be asking you, do you enjoy it when I hurt you? Do you? Are you sick in the head like my fucking mother? Are you Arun? Is that what's going on here? Are you just a sadist who likes being treated like shit? Do you want me to beat you too, do you want me to make you feel worthless? Some people like that you know; my father taught me that."
Arun blinked. This wasn't about her any more, in a way, it never had been.
"You pretend to be so warm but you're cold," he sneered and poked her shoulder, "You're a corpse Arun. You don't care about anybody. Even in bed your a corpse. If I have to curse you to help you orgasm so be it. What are you so frightened of?"
Severus ran a hand across his mouth and took a few steps back, he was shaking, he realised what he had said and he held out a hand as if to tell her to wait. "What am I thinking," he muttered, struggling to regain composure. Arun felt like she had been slapped. What he'd said to her was more painful than the torture curse, he'd tapped into her biggest insecurity. She stood, sickened, watching as he stumbled away from her.
"I think you need to leave," she told him, every bit as cold as she stood accused.
Severus didn't argue, but as he left she saw he was crying.
Two days later Arundel's anger had not subsided. She was so miserable that it affected everything she did, and yet her pride was dented and she didn't feel like talking to her sister or Narcissa or any other friend because to do so would be to admit her own failings. So she simmered in anger on her own hating everything Severus had said to her. Hating it all the more because she couldn't shake the knowledge that he was right. She was a cold fish, self-absorbed in her own importance and unable to allow herself to lose an inch of self-control. Unable to even find pleasure in her own body's sensations because it would mean trusting somebody else to make her feel good. What was she frightened of?
She slept the nights with a Draft of Deathly Slumber to aid her, and in the mornings woke up feeling like she had done ten rounds with a troll. Twelve days before Christmas she found an invite on her desk in her study and she settled into her chair, waved her fire into existence and with a flick of her finger through the air the kettle started to boil. She slit the envelope open with a paper knife and found an invitation.
"Professor Dumbledore proudly invites you to a Yule Social with teachers pre drinks and dinner followed by the Yule Ball in the Great Hall. There will be further drinks in the potions chamber after, along with an assortment of delightful concoctions provided by our very own potions master." The invite went on to talk about dress codes. Arun chucked it onto the fire. A few hours later the letter arrived again, this time by owl, and a few hours after that Arun found three letters waiting for her RSVP.
She said yes, it wasn't like she had much choice.
The days that followed formed a practiced routine, get up, go for a run, meditate to improve focus, three hours of training, lunch, research and reading in the library for three hours, lesson planning for two, tea, a half hour to read the newspaper, two hours more training and then reading until bed. It started to snow. She patrolled Hogsmeade to stop students from getting too close to each other. She avoided Snape, and all the other teachers apart from Hagrid, and actually started to wish that the Americans would turn up so she could attack them because at least she would be doing something worthwhile.
After a particularly cold day out she got back to her office to find the fire embers had formed the face of Narcissa, "Ah, there you are."
"Hi," Arun grumbled.
"Oh, darling you sound awful."
Arun was about to say she was fine but her voice caught in the back of her throat and she started to cry. She despised herself for it at once.
"Arun, get over to us at once," Narcissa commanded.
"I can't Cissy, I have wor-"
"No, you don't. You have flu powder on your mantelpiece, you always do, so use it."
Arun hesitated, sniffing back her own self-loathing.
"Don't hesitate, act."
Arun pinched the bridge of her nose and then did as she was asked. The fire hissed green, she stepped inside and shouted Malfoy Manor over the roar of the green flames.
"Good," Narcissa hugged her tightly.
"I suppose Severus has been in contact?"
"Yes," Narcissa saw no reason to lie about it, "He told us he was horrid to you. He said he'd never felt so ashamed."
"I don't care if he feels like he wants to jump off a cliff, he said things that were true, and he said them to hurt me."
Narcissa took Arun's hand and half dragged her into the living room where Lucius looked up from the Daily Profit with surprise. "Oh," he said, looked at his wife and then back to Arun. "Oh," he said again and looked across the room to Snape.
Arun spun on her heal to leave. Narcissa ran and blocked the door. Arun raised a hand. Lucius drew his wand. Snape held his breath. Arun spread her fingers, took a deep breath and laugh in spite. "I should have seen this coming."
"You are both profoundly miserable people and I am not going to let you sabotage each other because you're wallowing in your own self pity." Narcissa snapped at them. "I don't want my friends bickering and I certainly don't want them caterwauling about how stupid they have been and doing nothing to sort it out-" that was aimed at Snape. "So Lucius and I will lock you into this room until you either kill each other or come out as friends. Do I make myself clear?"
Arun considered blasting her friend aside and going back to Hogwarts, but then she would lose more than one person she cared about today. Lucius still had his wand out. Snape was studying the cover of the book he was reading.
"Do I make myself clear?" Narcissa said again.
"Yes," Arun muttered.
"Severus?"
"Yes," Snape's voice was but a whisper.
"Good." Narcissa opened the door and motioned for Lucius to leave the room. Arun watched the door close and she felt the air change as Narcissa warded her in.
The door closing had a strange effect on Arundel. She felt her heart start to race, her palms grew sweaty and she felt a deep unease in her stomach. She moved over to Lucius' sofa and picked up his copy of the Daily Proffit and then she sat in his seat and opened it. Not once looking at Severus. He put his book down and watched her, his lower jaw had a smattering of stubble, his hair was more lank than usual and it was clear he hadn't slept. Good. She thought, he should feel bad. She watched from the corner of his eye as he tried to get the courage to speak to her.
"I said things I didn't mean-"
Arun held up her hand to make him stop talking. She let the Daily Profit slump over and put it onto a side table so she could regard him. "Don't patronise me."
Snape clenched his jaw, a momentary flash of anger was mastered in a moment. Did he think she would accept it, let him off because she worried about him? No.
"You meant every word you said, Severus, though you may regret saying them."
"I didn't-"
"Shut up," Arun snapped, unable to keep her temper under control. "You've said enough already. Shut up and listen."
Snape hung his head, his cheeks were burning with shame and he couldn't make her eye. He did as he was told.
"You are not your father. If you see that I'm not ok talk to me about it, don't keep silent until you can use it as ammunition to make me feel as bad as you. Everything you did to me that night. Everything. Was self-harm. But I'm hurt Sev, I'm hurt more by what you said that by the curse that came before because you did it on purpose. You did it to make me feel like you."
Severus' eyes shone like coals, she couldn't read him as she studied him, and she knew the immense effort he was going to keep her out of his mind.
"So?" Arun asked. "What have you to say for yourself?"
"I think i'll tie myself in a knot answering that."
"Because you will insult me again?"
"Most probably."
"Then say what you have to say."
"You are right."
Arun waited, but that was it. He said three words and they muted her. She waited, but so did he and his patience outlasted hers.
"I'm right," she echoed. "Is that it?"
"Yes."
She did feel insulted. She picked up the paper again, she didn't know what else to say to him and she was still sick with anxiety.
"What happens now?" Severus asked.
"I don't know."
"Do you still want to be-" he left the words hanging. He didn't seem to know how to finish his sentence. Arun considered leaving him without an answer but her mouth appeared to have a mind of its own.
"Do you want to? You said I was cold. That I was shit in bed. That I was frightened of my own body. You called me a corpse."
Severus turned pale as his own words were reflected back at him. "I know what I said," he told her. "I said it to hurt you. I wish I knew why you were so terrified of being touched, I just want to make you feel good. I try and tell myself it's not what I'm doing that repulses you, but part of me believes it is."
Arun worried the corner of the newspaper, "It's like-" she stopped talking, her own shame took away her tongue. She cleared her throat and ran a hand through her hair. "You want to make me feel good, you want to take time, but I start to watch myself, I over think what my bodies doing and then it doesn't respond how I want it to and then I feel like a twat. I'm lying there trying to be in a world of pleasure and all I can think is, 'everybody would be a lot happier if we just skipped this part.' and so I skip it, and you do what you need to do and then your needs satisfied and we can go back to talking about potions and how annoying your students are and life goes on."
Severus blinked, "Really?" he asked.
"Yes." It felt good to use his own strategy against him.
"Why didn't you say something sooner? We could have experimented," as soon as he said it she felt like a fool. Why hadn't she just said something?
Snape started to laugh.
"What?"
"Oh Arun," he ran a hand down his face. She hung her head and closed her eyes. "All this time?"
"Always."
"I like that, it's grammatically incorrect but it's fitting," he said about her response and he got up, held out his hands to her and drew her into a warm embrace. She closed her eyes, wishing that it would never stop.