ON THE RUN, PART TWO

For an hour or longer, Maria stood by the window in her small, sun-filled room, watching the sea. Her dearest wish, for a chance at her Captain's love and a future with his family, had been within reach, and she had run away from it.

Or perhaps all that had been within reach was more heartbreak. Twice now, despite his warnings, despite knowing what she could expect from him, she had offered him everything she had to give. And what had he given her in return? Affection, tenderness, unimaginable pleasure, yes, all those things. Everything but his heart. His wife, lying cold in her grave, still had that.

She was surprised, and grateful, that there was so little pain. Even his warning that she might be carrying his child seemed not quite real. Instead, she was numb, overcome by exhaustion, hollow to the core.

For the first little while, wispy thoughts floated through her mind, thoughts she couldn't quite cling to long enough to make sense of them, thoughts about love, and about lovemaking. The two sounded so similar, but for the Captain, they were different things. But she had confused them too, perhaps, letting passion overrule her good sense. Had she been wrong to go to bed with him? It hadn't been wrong, because they were married. It had been wrong, because he didn't love her. It hadn't been wrong, because she loved him.

She watched the light's play over the sea change as the sun rose to its highest point in the sky and then began its slow afternoon descent. When a soft knock came at the door, she didn't bother to answer, but when it repeated itself a quarter hour later and a quarter-hour after that, like some kind of demented alarm clock, she answered.

The red-haired housemaid stood there, a big tray in both hands, with the handle of a familiar pink valise hooked over her elbow. Maria smiled her thanks at the girl, left the valise in the hallway, and took the tray inside. Only after she had choked down a slice of toast and a few swallows of tea did she notice what lay piled next to the plate: three thin volumes and an envelope. She was half-inclined to throw the envelope in the fireplace unread, but there was no fire there to consume it, and curiosity overcame her.

Inside the envelope: a crisp bundle of German marks, and a single page in his distinctive script.

Maria,

My solicitor in Vienna is Herr Apfel at 26 Weisstrasse. If there are any consequences from my irresponsible behavior this morning, I pray that you will be neither so foolish nor imprudent not to seek his assistance. He is utterly discreet and has been instructed to look after your interests.

If there are no such consequences, then he may be of assistance should you wish to end the marriage. I know this is no longer technically possible, but since the marriage was not blessed by the Church, I suspect your Reverend Mother may be helpful in seeing a way through this difficulty. As you know, I do not intend to marry again, and so there is no need to address the situation on my behalf.

Maria didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed to have received such a business-like communication from him. They both had all the emotion wrung out of them by now, she thought with a sigh, and read on.

The matter of my feelings for you aside, I am not happy to see you return to Austria. No one knows what will happen with the Germans, but I am quite certain it will be worse than anything any of us can even imagine. Please try to be careful.

My greatest comfort is knowing that my children brought you happiness, but my greatest regret is that I caused you so much pain. I would apologize if there were words equal to the harm I've done you. Of all the disappointments life has brought me, I find this one the most puzzling, since the truth is, I'm a better man when I'm near you, and you will be on my mind and in my heart until I draw my last breath. My greatest fear is that my failure to give you all you want and deserve, will cause you to think less of yourself.

Needing to travel light, I must leave these books behind.

There, the letter ended abruptly. A signature was unnecessary, and perhaps he found it impossible to settle on a closing salutation. She pictured him, tapping his pen impatiently on the page, deliberating among the choices. Was it to be 'best regards,' 'with appreciation,' 'with affection', 'with love?' Or possibly the ambiguous 'yours?'

Maria put the letter aside and flipped through the three slim books. Her eyes scrabbled for purchase in the first two, written in languages she didn't read. When she opened the third to see the familiar German, her eyes landed immediately on a phrase that stood out on the page:

With my heart as with a hand.

She read the entire poem. Then she read it a second time, and a third. Maria read that poem over and over again, as the light in the little room turned from lemon-yellow to silver.

"Dear God," she whispered, "what have I done?"

A moment later, she was out the door, stumbling over the pink valise. She snatched it up, holding it before her awkwardly as she raced down the stairs and along the corridor, and knocked on his door. After nightfall, he'd said, and the sun had not quite disappeared.

She pounded at the door, again and again, until her knuckles bruised with the effort, but there was no answer, and she was forced to admit she'd lost her chance.

She was too late.

Maria slid to the floor, and sat, arms wrapped around her knees, considering the consequences of a lifetime of running away.

What would have happened if, three months after her arrival at Nonnberg, she'd gone to Reverend Mother and said out loud what they were all already thinking: "Mother, this is not the life I was born to live." Instead, three years wasted, three years of running away to the mountains and away from the truth, three years of trouble for the sisters. Even poor Sister Berthe.

What would have happened if, instead of running back to Nonnberg, she had faced Baroness Schrader down? "Thank you, Baroness, but I will sort things out with Captain von Trapp for myself. Now, if you would hand me that blue dress? I believe Herr Detweiler is saving me a seat for dinner."

What would have happened this morning, if she had asked the Captain about the clothing and, having heard him out, followed him to France? Instead, she had left him, broken by grief and self-pity. She had abandoned him as surely as he had refused to abandon Leo, pinned to the wall of that submarine.

For the rest of her life, Maria would yearn for her Captain, miss the way he had fit against her. For the rest of her life, she would feel his absence as though it were Leo's missing limb.

Leo!

She scrambled to her feet and rapped out the combination.

Tap-tap-THUD. Tap-tap-THUD. THUD. THUD. Tap-tap-tap.

She nearly fainted with relief when the door opened a crack.

"Leo?"

"No. It's me. Maria. Can I talk to you?"

"Certainly."

He stepped aside to let her enter, and she saw that he had undergone yet another magical transformation: he was no longer Salzburg Captain, having changed back into his forest clothes – rough trousers, shirt and warm jacket, worn boots.

"What is it you need, Fraulein?"

She was disappointed, but not surprised, that he showed no emotion over her return.

"Captain. It seems that once again, it falls to me to point out to you the obvious. Just like I did about your children."

"I don't have much time, Fraulein."

Her heart began to hammer in her chest.

"Captain. When I went back to the Abbey, you worried constantly about my happiness, didn't you?"

"I suppose, yes, but-"

"In the beginning, you played along with my going to Vienna, even though you were worried that it would be a disaster, even though wanted me for yourself, because you thought it was what I wanted. You only told me to marry someone else, because you knew perfectly well I wouldn't."

"Well-"

"You're afraid something will happen to me, like it did to her, aren't you?" This had been a pure hunch on Maria's part, without much evidence, but his face gave him away.

"I didn't -"

"All this time, you loved me. I don't care if you think so. I know so. And so did your Baroness Schrader!"

"She wasn't my-"

"You're right. I have been a coward, always running away. But you are a coward for staying still! Maybe you will be able to survive without me. You can always find another woman to warm your bed. But if you are so concerned for my welfare, then consider this, Captain." It was a relief to let the tears slide down her cheeks.

"What do you think is going to happen to me, when I have to go on without you?"

Maria watched the muscles in his throat work as he swallowed. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

And then he reached for her, and she was in his arms, and his mouth found hers. He kissed her, urgently, drinking down her words like a man in a desert who had found an oasis at last.

Even if he couldn't say them back. Just as suddenly as he'd kissed her, he released her.

"Was that you at the door before?"

Giddy with relief, Maria nearly laughed out loud at the near-farcical change in his tone.

"Yes. I-"

She considered explaining about the poem, but his kiss had left her so dizzy that its words had already faded from her memory, and meanwhile the Captain was all business. She could see there was no more time for kisses or embraces, for banter or emotions. There was only a whirl of activity as he fit a last few things into the same knapsack she'd stolen this morning.

"All your banging on the door - I thought it was them. The Germans. Leo's been here and gone, already, with supplies and a rough map." He began to tie a bedroll to the bottom of the knapsack. "I'm afraid he didn't know there would be two of us."

He pointed to the pink valise.

"It's going to be a rough trip. The shoes you've got on are sturdy enough, but you'll need something warm to wear. Take the jacket. And the diamonds. The rest of it, we'll have to leave behind. We can replace it when – if – we get to Paris."

"Right."

Maria dug around for what she needed and tucked the valise and its remaining contents back in the bedroom closet. Perhaps the red-headed housemaid could make use of her beautiful things.

When she returned to the parlor, he was gently poking his booted toe at the carved wooden box where it lay on the floor, surrounded by its contents. He glanced at her, waiting for her to nod her permission before he bent over, swept everything into the box, closed it, and tucked it into the knapsack.

At the sight of her pitiful wedding ring, Maria pushed away a little bubble of panic. Was she making a terrible mistake, allowing Captain von Trapp an opportunity to humiliate her yet again? She didn't even completely understand how she could love him, after everything that had happened. He had repeatedly warned her of his shortcomings and she had let him hurt her anyway, terribly so. She was angry at him. But she couldn't leave him there, could she? Not only because she would never be able to make her peace with her own feelings, but because he needed her, just as Leo had once needed him.

The Captain knew a great deal about lovemaking. Despite the circumstances, Maria felt her cheeks turn pink at the thought that there was probably still a great deal she didn't know, that he would be happy to teach her. But he had never been very good at love. Look at how he'd nearly lost his children!

She might not have been able to make one kind of vow at Nonnberg. But, watching her Captain rushing about, grim-faced, Maria made herself a promise she knew she'd keep. If lovemaking was all he was capable of, then that was what she would offer him in return. At the present time, it was all either one of their damaged hearts could manage. Having spoken her piece: I love you, and you love me, she would never speak of love again. Whatever happened next would be up to him.

He was down to the last few details: a few banknotes left for the manager, the lights extinguished, the door to the hallway locked and bolted. He jammed a cap on his head, shouldered the knapsack, and jerked his head toward the window. Outside, the sun had sunk into the sea.

"After you, Fraulein."

For the second time in a day, Maria climbed out of the window and onto the beach.

This time, he followed right behind.

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Thank you for reading my story. I hope some of you see the influence your reviews and PMs have had! (At least you got your kiss, and it might not be the last one).

I know this update is short. The next chapter will be long and very complicated, and even though I'm already working on it, it's going to take two weeks, maybe longer. Hang in there! I don't own TSOM, all for love,