Eric, Kenny, Kyle, and Stan play a video game in Eric's living room. Eric's mom walks in with the mail.
"Eric, honey, you got a letter in the mail."
Stan says sarcastically aloud to Eric while not losing focus of the game play, "Another self-addressed, self-written piece of fan mail, Cartman?"
Liane walks over next to Eric, who is sitting on the couch, "It says it's from the Lengthy Reading Hermitage."
"Cool!" he takes the letter.
"What's that?" Kyle asks with curiosity.
"A book publisher," Eric replies, unfolding the letter.
"No way," says Stan.
"What's it say?" Kyle asks.
"Dear Mr. Cartman, enclosed is a check for fifty dollars this month for your successful self-help book Fartenetics, which is currently number two on Amazon in self-help book sales!"
"Oh, honey pookums, that's amazing. Congratulations," says Liane.
"Thanks, mom."
"I'm sorry – you wrote a book? And somebody wanted to publish it? Reality is stranger than fiction," says Stan.
"Why didn't you tell us you wrote a book and that it's been for sale a month now?" Kyle asks Eric.
"'cause … I didn't want you guys to make fun of me if it failed."
Kyle replies, "Cartman, I will never make fun of you if you're honest and try your legal best and legitimately fail. And that failure wasn't a pre-planned scheme. I know, a lot of qualifiers, but still."
"Really? Thanks, Kyle."
"Okay, I give – good work," says Stan.
"Way to go, dude!" Kenny pats Eric on the back.
"Hopefully this means you've turned over a new leaf in life," says Kyle.
"I have, Kyle. Fartenetics made it possible."
"Ooohhh, okay, I see – you want us to buy a copy and everybody else in town, too, out of pity to raise sales and increase your profit," says Stan.
"Nope – I have free promo copies for all of you. And Butters."
"Well, I guess I mis-judged you, Cartman," says Stan.
Kyle speaks, "Sales are one thing though; results are another. Has anyone actually helped themselves with your self-help book other than yourself?"
"Good question, Kyle. I tested it on Butters a week ago when I gave him my copy early. And now he's all better."
"But Butters was sick," says Kyle.
"Not anymore," Eric responds.
.
The front door to the Stotch home opens to reveal Butters' dad.
"Yes?" he aks them.
"Is Butters home?" asks Kyle.
"Hold on a minute," he turns slightly and yells, "Butters! Those friends of yours are here again!"
After several seconds, Butters comes running up to the door.
"Thanks, dad."
"Don't keep it long – you still have chores to make up for while you were sick," his dad says, leaving.
"Yes, sir."
"So it's true – you're no longer sick?" asks Stan.
"All better. I got the green bugars to prove it. Wanna see them?"
"No, that's okay," says Stan, waving his hands side-ti-side after barely raising them.
"How'd you do it? Did you go to the doctor or something?" asks Kyle.
"Eric gave me a book he wrote, called Fartenetics. Why, I read it and followed his advice and with a little help on his part, I was all better."
"Eric helped you?" Stan says with some disbelief.
"Yes."
"And didn't ask for anything in return?" Stan adds.
"no."
"I got to hand it to you, Eric, writing this book may be the best thing that ever happened to you," says Kyle.
"Thank you. But I'm not going to stop there – I intend to help more people," says Eric.
"That's great, Eric, but realistically you'll probably only sell a few hundred worldwide."
"That's right, Kyle. That's why I've done more than just write a book. Come on, guys – you gotta check this out…"
Eric turns around and they follow him; Butters closes the front door.
.
Eric stops and turns around to face Kenny, Kyle and Stan.
"Ta da!" he spreads his arms out.
In an empty field, the three of them look around to see some old and long-ago abandoned small wooden shacks, barn, an in-the-dumps boa in a small lake, and weeds all over the place.
Kyle speaks, "I'm not following you. How is this going to help people?"
"You are looking at the future home of a training center for Myentology."
"Myentology?" Kyle asks, uncertain of what Eric means.
"I realized that writing the book wouldn't be just enough. To really help others, I'd need a system and a place to train others to help those in need. And this ranch will help season the Myentologists. Hence forth this location will be known as Ranch Seasoning."
"Wait – how'd you afford this?" Stan asks.
"I used most of my book advance to purchase the land."
"I guess you have changed. The previous Eric Cartman would never have done this or this much. I guess your humanity was a late bloomer," says Stan.
"But it's just you," says Kyle.
"And Butters. He agreed to sign up a few days ago. And I already have my first Cretan coming over for help tomorrow."
"So, it's some kind of healing club?" asks Kyle.
"Kyle, Ranch Seasoning is more than a training ground, it's a step leading to the main organization of Myentology, where you can become full-fledged Myentologists."
"So, it's a sign-up drive?" Stan asks.
"Correct."
Stan then says, "I don't know. I mean, I've never really witnessed Fartenetics work. I'm a little skeptical."
"Perfectly understandable, Stan. Come by tomorrow at noon to witness a miracle."
"Cool," says Kyle.
"Why don't you all read a copy of Fartenetics tonight. I had it delivered to your houses on our way here."
"Thanks, Eric," says Stan.
"No problem. See you all here tomorrow at noon."
They turn around to each head home.
.
The next day, a bright and sunny July day – despite snow still on the mountain tops and a cool breeze blowing off them, the here of them wait at the lake site. A few other kids show up as well.
"Hey, fellas," Butters says as he joins them.
"Hey, Butters," says Stan.
"Did you guys read Fartenetics?" Kyle asks them.
"Yes," says Kenny.
"Yup, all of it," says Stan.
"What did you think?" Kyle asks.
"I think it has some helpful techniques and ideas. If you don't rigorously verify it with scientific approaches and peer review," Stan replies back.
"Yeah, it seemed okay, except…" says Kenny.
"Yeah, except…" says Stan.
"The farting?" Kyle says what they didn't say.
"Exactly. It just vaguely smells of that time Eric had you smelling his farts," says Stan.
"Yeah, but Butters was cured," says Kyle.
"That's right," says Butters.
"Attention! Attention Cretans!"
The kids all go silent for Eric, after he has exited a wooden shack with Comm. E.T.C. painted on the door.
"First of all I want to thank everybody for coming who got my e-vites. I'm sure all of you checked out online reviews to find out just what Fartenetics is all about. And I'm sure you all came to witness it perform a miracle."
Clyde speaks, after having raised a hand, "I was told there would be punch and pie."
"Goddamnit, there's no punch and pie! You wanna see a miracle or not Craig?"
"Then maybe you'll remember to pack some for the next miracle. Anyway, without further ado or Craig, it is time to witness Fartenetics in action," Eric then turns and calls out toward the shack, "Please come out now!"
The shack door creeks open and out steps Tweek. He walks over next to Eric.
"I'm sure you all know Tweek; the only one of us who was born with God's wrist watch left in him after his creation. Tweek has long since suffered us with his constant reframes of 'Oh God' or 'Oh Jesus'. Many of us have wanted – nay – dreamed of slapping the shit out of him until he stopped. Tweek, would you like Myentology's Fartenetics to cure you?"
"Aaaggghhh – it's not painful is it? I hate pain," Tweek says, twitching his head about.
"Absolutely painless. That's your reactionary mind reacting to the idea, Tweek. Are you ready to be healed?"
"Oh Jesus!"
"I'll take that as a 'Yes'. Tweek," Eric turns around, lowers his pants and underwear, and bends his ass over at Tweek, "I want you to tell yourself you are healed!" Eric then farts on Tweek.
"Oh God!"
"I want you to picture you looking at yourself in a mirror," he farts on Tweek again.
"Oh Jeeeee," Tweek closes his eyes and shakes.
"Whoa!" Kyle exclaims.
Eric continues, "Only the reflection is also you. Tell your prime-verse self you are healed and will no longer spout off those annoying catch phrases again!" he farts eve more loudly on Tweek.
"Oh G…" Tweek shakes and clenches his fists.
"Tell yourself again, Tweek!" he farts on Tweek again, this time more of a squeaker.
"Oh!" Tweek shakes again.
"Say to yourself you are now healed!" and with that Eric lets out one final ascending squeak, which sputters out.
"I … am … healed!" Tweek says, closing his eyes and shaking betwixt words.
Eric stands erect and pulls his pants and underwear back up, "Ahhh…" he exhales and then turns to face Tweek. "Tweek, say 'Oh Jesus!'."
"No!"
"What about 'Oh God!'?"
"No!" Tweek twitches nervously.
"Behold! Another Cretan healed! Tweek, you have now entered the condition of Befuddled. Fartenetics has done it again!"
"Wow. Stan, did you see that?" Kyle asks him.
"Yeah. To think, all this time all we had to do is tell Tweek to tell himself to stop being annoying," Stan replies.
Eric bellows, "Hip! Hip!"
Butters and Tweek both responds in unison, "Hooray!"
"All right, so who'd like to become a Myentologist trainee?" Eric asks loudly.
Hands fly up.