An hour later. Stand and Kyle carry a large rock from the lake, one on each end.
"I don't know. I just feel like I'm learning to help others by carrying rocks," says Stan.
Kyle responds, "It makes sense. If we have to learn here, we got to fix it up or it'll be shut down. It's a small price to pay to help people the way Commissioner helped Tweek and Butters."
"I guess, but my fingers are so cold I Can barely feel them," says Stan.
"Well, stop trying to feel them they're your fingers – you already know what they feel like."
They drop the rock into a pile with other rocks, then head back to the lake. They pass by other kids pulling weeds.
Clyde speaks, "I have a theory, Kenny – big lawn companies call weeds weeds to promote their grass products. If you grew an entire lawn of jut 'weeds', they wouldn't be weeds, would they?"
"I guess," Kenny replies.
"Not much one for words, huh? If we're gonna pull weeds together, you're gonna have to be more engaging in my mental flights of fancy."
"Okay."
"So … what's so pretty about roses anyway? I think big rose companies tell us this to make rose sales go up. They don't smell that great either."
"It's a floral conspiracy," says Kenny, humoring Clyde.
"That's better."
"Ay! Where are your gloves!" Eric bellows to them.
Clyde and Kenny jump a tad, startled.
"You didn't give us any," says Clyde.
"You're supposed to wear gloves! One demerit for all of you!" Eric storms off.
"Damnit," says Clyde.
.
Another hour later. Kyle and Stan are carrying another big rock.
"If I drop it, let me know – I can't even feel it in my hands. How many rocks are we supposed to get anyway?" says Stan.
"I don't know. Butters said until he says to stop," Kyle replies back.
Stan continues complaining, "My back aches. I thought only adults had back aches."
"Here comes the Commissioner now. Commissioner" Kyle calls out.
Eric walks over, "Child Kyle – what seems to be the problem?"
"We're getting tired and our hands are cold. Is it possible to move onto something else?"
"I understand. You're in a Condition of Questioning. It's normal for Cretans your age to be Questioning," Eric comments.
"It is?" asks Kyle.
"What you need is a change of pace to quiet your burdensome mind. Come right this way…" says Eric.
Stan and Kyle follow Eric to the Dumpings. They stop once inside.
"All right then. These Dumpings are substandard and probably should have been demolished. Sweep it out, remove the cobwebs, put old junk and garbage in the trash can, clean the windows, clean the trash cans, then the real cleaning will begin. Remember: only completion of P.E.S.T. work will truly begin to reform Cretans. Things to do," Eric says and swiftly comes about and leaves.
Kyle comments after seeing Stan looking at him, "What? This is for us. We're improving our living conditions."
.
A couple more hours pass. Stan and Kyle scrub the wooden floors with warm water and Oxi Clean, ringing out dirty water with rags into a bucket. They stop when they hear the maritime call on the whistle.
Kyle says, "Oh, thank God. Maybe now we'll start learning to help people."
"Ow," Stan says, while standing up.
They make their way outside to see other kids lining up, including Butters who is also dirty from work.
Eric comes strolling over, holding a glass with ice lemonade, with a straw and half a lime on the edge of the rim. He reaches over and rips the whistle off the string around Butters' neck and throws it as far as he can to the lake.
"Sorry, dear Commissioner" says Butters.
"All right then. P.E.S.T. work is over for today," says Eric.
"Yayyy!" all the ids exclaim.
"now begins the Post work," says Eric.
"So, that's work after work?" asks Kyle.
"Correct. One demerit. Each day Cretans need to man their posts to make sure certain functions are performed, from cooking to medical. Butters, you're the nurse; Kyle and Stan, you'll start food preparation for dinner; Clyde and Kenny, garbage detail; and the rest of you laundry and assorted cleaning. Any Student Cretan who needs medical, see Butters. Now I must Vangelis myself away to work on important Myentology work," Eric walks away, sipping the lemonade.
"All right, the doctor is in. Anybody got an owie?" Butters asks the kids.
All the kids raise their hands.
"Oh, wowburgers. Stan and Kyle, you two first since you have food prep'. Everybody else, form a line at that M*A*S*H shack."
Butters walks over to the shack and enters. As the kids line up, Butters sets up a dinner tray stand and lays things on it.
"Okie dokie. Tell me your problem, Kyle – I'm listening."
"My fingers are numb and I'm dizzy."
"Hum," Butters mutters, rubbing his chin, "sounds like you need a glass of Oval-thal."
"What's that?" Kyle asks him.
Butters answers while pouring a glass, "Why, ah, E.T.C. invented it for Cretan wellbeing. It's a secret combo of Ovaltine and Pentothal."
"You know, I've never actually had Ovaltine before. I thought it was a fake product like Stay Puff marshmallows," Kyle says and takes the glass after Butters is done steering the mix.
"Next. I'm listening, Stan."
"Yeah, my back is sore and I'm kind of dizzy, too," says Stan.
"Hum, well it sounds like you need a glass of Oval-thal as well."
"What about my back?" asks Stan.
"Here's an Icy Cold. Unless the pain is just in your head," says Butters.
"No, it's in my back."
"You sure? E.T.C. says most ailments are in our heads, caused by the conflicts of our Cretans and any Overts and Holdbacks we're hiding."
"No, still my back," Stan replies.
"Oh. Too bad. Now you'll have to go through an Analyzing. You two clean up and then begin food prep'. Next."
Stan and Kyle walk off. Another kid steps up.
"I'm listening."
"My hands are blistering from pulling weeds."
"Oh, dear. Are you sure it's not in your mind?"
"No, it's my hands," the kid says, opening his palms.
"Oh, geez, well, you'll need an Analyzing, too. Here's an Oval-thal. Next!"
.
Kenny and Clyde toss garbage into a large trash can on wheels.
Clyde speaks, "I have a theory. They say one man's trash is another gold. I think they just call trash 'trash' so people willingly throw it away. It's probably like the movie 'The Stupids', and there's a secret large garbage cabal who've gotten rich off our trash gold, and they have the audacity to charge us to collect it."
"I guess so. So, do you feel rich right now?" Kenny asks Clyde.
"No, this trash is garbage so far."
.
Kyle and Stan enter a dirty old room with a large rusted sink, a dirty metal storage counter and an old meat storage freezer that makes various rattling noises and shakes as it runs.
"This place is filthy; we're gonna have to clean it before it's sanitary enough toi prepare food in," says Kyle.
"Yippee, more P.E.S.T. work," Stan drags an empty old cooking oil barrel over to use as a trashcan.
"Wait – does this mean our breakfast was cooked in this?" Kyle comments.
"Okay, back her on up here, fellas," they hear Butters shout from outside, followed by beeps. They go outside to see what's going on.
A run-down and shaky white box truck pulls up. Ned gets out.
"What's this?" Stan asks Butters.
"Twice a week food delivery," says Butters.
"I thought you were the nurse for the Post work," Kyle asks Butters.
"I wear many Hats here at Ranch Seasoning, Child Kyle. Dear Commissioner says we each need to find out Hat in Life; and since I'm still in a Condition of Questioning, E.T.C. says we're all Bi-Hat. However, my main function is to be the Commanding Older Person; I have more C.O.P. work to do," Butters walks away.
Stan says, "Okay, but I am a kid and have no idea what I'm doing…" he takes a clipboard Ned hands him.
"Uuummm, don't look at me, I just delivery," Ned says with his electrolarynx to his throat.
"Ahhh, six barrels of gruel, four bags of potatoes, two pounds of powdered Ovaltine, two three-pound bag of salt, four bags of chicken nuggets…"
.
Twenty minutes later. Kyle and Stan set down a barrel of gruel.
"There, that's the last of the delivery."
"Thank God – I'm exhausted. Now we can finally—" Kyle is interrupted.
"Hey!" Butters exclaims having walked in through the door neither of them have closed yet.
"What?" Kyle asks.
"Child Kyle, Child Stan, what do you think you're doing?"
"Just taking a minute; we just finished offloading the supplies," Kyle replies back.
"You two offloaded an entire weeks' worth! You mis-read the inventory sheet!"
"Well, it looks like there's room…" says Kyle.
"If we carry that much supply at once and a government Hog comes by and sees it, they'll think we're running a business and who knows what else! We can't help anybody if we get shut down!"
"So, you're saying…" Kyle inquires.
"I'll just have to call the truck back so you two Befuddled pre-Translucents can re-load half of this. Geez Louise! You two wait here and star preparing dinner; I have to go to E.T.C.'s office to use the only phone in Ranch Seasoning. One demerit for each of you," Butters then leaves back out the door.
.
Some time passes. Stan and Kyle sit on the floor peeling potatoes.
"I can't peal – my hand is cramping up."
"Agh – that one's cramped, too. I can barely get it open," says Kyle.
Butters opens the door and blows the whistle he went and re-claimed.
"AGH! My friggin' ears!" Kyle exclaims.
"Look alive, Cretans! This is your fifteen-minute warning; you have to clean up, potty, and put on clean kennies for studies. Did you finish peeling the potatoes?" asks Butters.
"No," says Stan.
"What about the pahtahtoes?" asks Butters.
"Aren't those the same things?" asks Kyle.
"Ah, I guess so," says butters.
"Then no," says Kyle.
"Well, then don't worry – there'll be some time to peel more before dinner is served," Butters says and leaves.
Kyle says to Stan after Stan looks at him, "On this plus side, we're finally going to learn Fartenetics."
.
Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and butters, and the other kids sit in a large empty room at old plastic folding tables. The walls are bare except a big picture of Eric's head. After a minute Eric finally comes in, still wearing his attire and slapping his thigh with the riding crop.
"Greetings, children."
"Yo ho dear Commissioner" Butters exclaims.
"Rest assured, I am one of you, so even though I'm late, one demerit will be added to my Tattle folder."
"Wow, stunning and brave, Commissioner" Butters adds.
"Thank you, thank you. In order to begin learning Fartenetics, pre-Translucents must understand that they are all still learning and therefore you are all Student Cretans Under Me. There are eight Student Cretan levels. But be forewarned: in order for Cretans to master these levels and become fully Translucent, you S.C.U.M. must get you're A.C.T.'s together. Affinity, Communication, and Temper; getting along and building relationships."
Kyle raises a hand.
"Yes, Child Kyle."
"What are these eight levels, exactly, C?"
"Astute inquiry, Child Kyle. Unfortunately, nobody can be told in advance what each level is; it defeats the purpose of the mental and physical breakthroughs. Suffice to say you're on what Myentology calls: The Bridge to Somewhere."
Stan raises a hand.
"Child Stan?"
"What if one or more of us reaches one or more levels ahead of other students? Can we share with others?"
"No. S.C.U.M. aren't ready for the future breakthroughs of Myentology. Think of it as a cranial implosion. Skipping ahead can cause Cretans to black out, shit their pants in Wal-Mart, vote Democrat, and suffer from erectile dysfunction."
"Oh, no – that might be a big deal to me in a few years!" says Butters.
"That's right, Child Butters. And one demerit for not calling me Commissioner or E.T.C.."
"Agh – I don't wanna shit my pants in Wal-Mart, Commissioner" says Tweek.
"No one ever does, Child Tweek. Now, I know you've all worked hard today and being that it's your first day, we'll go easy on the first study block today by engraining affinity for others – excepts Hogs – into all of you by having you all sing the 'Barney the Dinosaur' song I Love You for two hours. And one … two … three … four…"
.
Two hours later. We hear then all sing the final words of the song one last time; some of them with eyes glazed over, nervous twitches, and over all looking like their collective sanity is about to break.
"Okay, wasn't' that fun?" Eric asks them.
Tweek's head jerks to a side and vibrates, goes back into place, and repeats while one eye squints. Kyle shudders while starring out wide-eyed, then blurts out after a few seconds of increasing shuddering.
"…aaAAHHHGggg…" Kyle blurts out.
"One demerit. So, is everyone feeling more affinity for their fellow man?" Eric asks.
"Yo ho, dear Commissioner! From head to toe, to my mattress kickstand that keeps me from accidentally rolling out of bed at night!"
"Very good, Child Butters. Well, everybody?" Eric asks again.
All the kids shake their heads "Yes" and mutter aloud it, too, to avoid any repercussions.
"Very good," Eric walks to his desk, "Now, to be more effective communicators, we'll be doing a few different things, and one of those will be reading the complex literary masterpiece: The Bridges of Madison County. For the next two hours. Please come up and take a copy."
.
A little over two hours later. Eric stops reading the book aloud with all the kids.
"All right, it's five fifty-nine. You have ten minutes to use the bathroom, put your book on your bed, and be at the dinner barn by six for dinner. Now I must go to my office. – I have important Myentology work to work on," Eric then quickly leaves.
All the kids start racing each other to get to the bathrooms first.
"Wow, that's E.T.C. for you – always thinking of others!"
.
Once again the kids are sitting on the floor around the square trough; except Stan and Kyle, who have finished up peeling potatoes are have already started cooking.
"What is this we're stirring?" Stan asks.
"I don't know. The bag simply says: mystery mush," Kyle responds.
.
Kyle and Stan carry around one of the pots of mystery mush and pour it into the trough while slowly walking along each side. Butters follows behind dumping an ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes for each kind and dropping a couple thin and sickly-looking chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs as well.
Butters says, "Eat up and save spaces for Child Kyle and Child Stan. They're bringing more mystery mush."
Stan and Kyle return with the final pot and start pouring it into the remaining empty trough. Butters comes back with cups of Oval-thal; he sets them down, goes back for more, and continues repeating the process. Kyle and Stand return the pot to the kitchen, then come back with a bag of green apples in each's hands; they give each kid an apple.
"C.O.P. Butters!" Eric commands from his personal secluded table.
"Coming, Commissioner" he then turns to Kyle and Stan, "Child Kyle, Child Stan, you two finish handing out Oval-thals; E.T.C. has requested my presence again."
As they hand out the apples, they notice Butters hand Eric a chocolate milk and a big red Granny Smith apple, which Eric then begins eating. Kyle and Stan look at each other.
"Am I the only one thinking of that repeated quote from the Youtube channel—"
"CinemaSins. No, it did pop into my head, too," Stan finished Kyle's thought.
.
Hours later. The kids sit ion near silence on their mattress as 9:30 approaches.
"I still can't believe we spent our second study block reading The Bridges of Madison County. Again," says Kyle.
"I know. What the fuck was up with the run-on sentences about magenta winds and pelicans riding on dolphins?" Stand asks.
Kyle says, "You suppose it's one of those things that's so brilliant we're just not smart enough to comprehend it? Ike a plain red square in an art museum?"
"I don't know, but by default it's got to be better than the square," says Stan.
Butters enters, already in his pajamas. He blows the maritime three notes on the whistle.
"Look alive! E.T.C. incoming!"
"Blow, Satchomo, blow," Eric says briefly to Butters before turning his attention to his kids, "Now no doubt most of you are having trouble going to sleep."
"My back is throbbing like my mom's vibratos set on slow, Commissioner" says Clyde.
"My hands hurt from the pussing blisters, Commissioner" says Kyle.
"I understand. My back aches from the hours of pouring over my research and my hands bled from the months of writing Fartenetics. I've suffered like that famous guy; can't recall his name – had a beard, ate bread, get nailed to a plus symbol."
"Stunning and brave yet again, E.T.C..," says Butters.
"Thank you, Child Butters. Too much Ranch Seasoning too son can be a lot to handle, and to cope with your sleeping deficiencies, once again I've selflessly developed a system to help you sleep. It's called the Pull Assist Scheme. It's also an affinity-developing tool. I will demonstrate. Child butters, lay down."
Butters lies down on a mattress. Eric walks over and touches one of Butter's arms.
"Feel that?" Eric asks.
"Yes."
"Good," he then walks to the next kid and touches a leg, "Feel that?"
"Yes," says the kid.
"Good," Eric then walks to the next kid – Stan – and sticks a finger out, "Pull my finger."
Stan does so; Eric farts.
"Smell that?"
"Yes."
"Good," he then moves on to Kyle, who is on the next mattress and starts to pull his pants down, "Now, pull my penis."
"No!" Kyle rebukes.
"Good, good. That last one was a test. No Overts are allowed; Overts cover all sins, including sexual acts of any kind. 2B is second base, and 3B is third base. Only I may commit Overts in the pursuit of bettering humanity through Myentology. Kyle, you touch the next kid, and that kid touches the next kid until you've all touched each other in an affinity orgy of touching. And finger pulling. Smell the affinity. Well, good night," Eric presses on some wall-mounted round lights to shut them off and leaves.
After a few seconds of silence, Stan says to Kyle, "Feeling tired yet?"
"No."
"No," Kenny also replies.
"Maybe if you tried shutting up we'd have enough peace to do so," says Clyde.
"He's right. Tomorrow is a new day – who knows what exciting things we'll learn!" says Kyle.
"That's the spirit, Kyle. Sweet dreams," says Butters.