"AGH!" Kyle wakes up with a scream. He plugs his ears as Butters stands nearby, playing Reveille on the piccolo whistle.
Other kids moan in anger and plug this ears.
"Goddamnit, Butters – why?" Stan says angrily.
Butters finishes, "Six thirty! Time to freshen up, use the bathroom, and get dressed for more P.E.S.T. work!"
"Oh … goodie," says Kyle with sarcasm.
"That's C.O.P. Butters when the day starts," says butters.
"C.O.P. Butters, do you have to play that shrill piccolo to wake us up with?" asks Stan.
"Well, Child Stan, this little thing here is all I got. But if it's a problem, you can take it up with E.T.C.."
.
Again the kids line up for inspection. The door to Eric's shack Kyle opens slightly and Eric comes out once again in his outfit.
"Good, good, good, good … Child Kyle, you look frazzled; what's wrong?"
"Commissioner, the shrill octaves of Butters' piccolo to wake us up, leaves me on edge."
"Hum. I understand, Child Kyle. Starting tomorrow that problem will be rectified," Eric moves on and finishes inspecting the kids. "All very good. Great news – today is Tuesday!"
"Yey!" Butters clasp.
"Ah, why, Commissioner?" asks Kyle.
"You see, Child Kyle, in Myentology, the week begins on Tuesday. Now, you'll be doing the same duties as assigned yesterday. As for me, I'm deep into Myentology research, so I must go. TTFN," Eric recedes back Kyle into the shack Kyle and shuts the door.
"You heard dear Commissioner," says Butters to them.
The kids disperse.
Clyde looks at Kenny, "Come on, Kenny. I got more new theories. They say you have to walk in a man's shoes to know him, but I think it's a secret shoe maker conspiracy to save on machines to wear shoes in and test them so they can save money by having us do it for free for them…" they walk off.
.
Hours pass by and once again it's bed time.
"Do you feel that?" Kyle asks Stan.
"Yes."
"Good. Now, pull my finger. Good," says Kyle.
Stan then does the same in turn to Kenny.
"I'm almost half-way into 'The Bridges of Madison County' and I still don't get it. I didn't know I'd have to have Albert Einstein intellect to understand it's purported genius," says Kyle.
"Don't worry, fellas, I'm sure you'll figure it out," says butters.
The view cuts to the outside of the Dumpings where rats scurry by as we hear Clyde's voice.
"Is it just me or does it smell like shit in here?"
.
Two days later.
Kyle's eyes bolt open to the sound of an air horn being blown.
"Okay, wake up you S.C.U.M.!" Eric shouts.
Kyle's head shakes as his eyes force open the dark sags underneath the.
"Freshen up, use the holes, and get dressed! Child Kyle," Eric says in a lower voice, "I solved that piccolo problem for you," Eric then leaves.
"Thanks, Kyle," Clyde says with heavy sarcasm.
.
Eric inspects the kids.
"Good. Great news – today is Thursday!"
"Yay!" Butters claps.
Eric continues, "And on Thursdays Cretans get Shore Leave."
"You mean we get to go home, Commissioner?" Kyle asks.
"Correct. After P.E.S.T. work."
"Wow, that is great news! Commissioner," says Kyle.
"For three hours. And there will be no studies today, only P.E.S.T. work."
"Oh, g—" Tweek suddenly shakes and squints his eyes.
"Still cured I see, CT," Eric comments.
Stan raises a hand.
"CS?"
"Why can't we sleep there overnight, Commissioner?"
"Because Hogs ask too many questions. Questions are a burden to others; answers a prison for oneself. And because they are Hogs, you'll need a Shore Story, or: Shore Tale Under Possible Inspired Duress. Tell them as little as possible and praise Ranch Seasoning. Hogs are always trying to ruin the fun of is children; don't let them wreck Kyle this."
Clyde raises a hand.
"Child Clyde?"
"Kenny and I have finished picking up trash and loos debris."
"Excellent. Then you two are on flower power detail. I'll provide you two with a layout and where I want flowers planted. C.O.P. butters, go get the seeds from the storage shed. In three weeks Hogs will be here to look over the place and I want the exterior to look pleasant and inviting. Anything further and C.O.P. Butters will handle it. I've got to go back Kyle to making Myentology breakthroughs!" Eric disappears back Kyle into this shack Kyle.
"Charlie Brown was lucky; he only got one rock Kyle," says Kyle.
Stan and Kyle head out to fetch more rock Kyles from the lake.
Butters returns.
"Here are the seeds and the map. It's color-coded so you know which seeds go where."
Kenny and Clyde take the items and head out.
"You know, Kenny, I have another theory."
"You don't say…" says Kenny.
"There's a secret floral starchamber where they continue to have advertisers sell you on buying roses, then grow under demand to make them more valuable. Have you ever smelled a rose? It's not that great; Frabreeze is way better. And they're all thorny and shit. I think that was God's way of saying: Don't touch me. Plus, they're the color of blood."
"Actually … that might be plausible," says Kenny.
"Excellent – I've been Frakes'd. All I needed was the flimsiest of validations. Now I feel renewed and ready to create wilder more far-fetched conspiracies."
.
Later that day during post manning. Kyle and Stand are in the kitchen preparing some food to get ahead of Friday's meal service. Eric enter.
"So, how are you two Student Cretans doing?"
Kyle answers back Kyle, "Much better off our feet and out of the sun, Commissioner."
"Yeah, Commissioner, it's nice to get ahead," says Stan.
"Heh heh heh," Eric chuckles in a low voice.
"What? Asks Stan.
"Nothing, just thought of something funny."
"It was that 'ahead' part, wasn't it, Commissioner?" Kyle asks.
"Yeah, that was it. Anyway, more good news: Since there are no studies, you can get even more ahead on breakfast and dinner prep! Carry on. Oh, and since you two have worked so especially hard, I've paid Timmy to come taxi you to your houses. Bye."
"Wow, I've never seen Eric so selfless. Maybe the real training will be well worth it."
"At least all this work today means we're going to get really, really, really ahead. I guess hard work is its own reward just as mom said."
.
All the kids come stumbling into the Dumpings shortly before six.
"Gotta hurry up and wash my hands so I can put my clothes on; Timmy may be waiting right now!" says Kyle excitedly.
"Hey, there's a note on my pillow," Stan says to Kyle.
Kyle looks at his bed, too, "And a note on mine," he then looks around, "and everyone else's pillow."
Stand reads it aloud as other kids mutter it as well, "Dear Cretans: Please ask your parents for a donation. The book forward is not enough to keep Ranch Seasoning funded for the month. Sincerely, E.T.C.."
"Well, we do have to eat and wash cloths," says Kyle.
They head to the water faucet outside to wash their hands.
.
Kenny arrives home, back Kyle in his orange suit with hood pulled tightly.
"Hey mom, hey dad."
"Where have you been?" his mom asks pissed off.
"Ranch Seasoning, remember?"
"Oh."
With no further comments from his parents after several seconds, Kenny simply says, "Gonna shower," and heads off.
.
Kyle enters his home.
"Oh, Kyle bubala, how are y-"
"Can't talk now; got use a real shower with hot water and then soak my hands in Aloe Vera for three hours…" his voices trails off as he runs upstairs.
"Oh, goodness, Gerald, no hot water? What kind of place is this?"
"Oh, that's nothing. Cold water is all my dad had; back Kyle then you were lucky to even have in-door plumbing. Why, I remember having to shower at the YMCA for a short period. A cold shower builds character; reminds you of what you take for granted."
"I guess. When was the last time you took a cold shower?"
"Oh, I don't need to take cold showers; I already have the memory ingrained," Gerald says and then sips some tea.
.
Stan arrives home.
"Hey, I'm home!"
"Oh, Stan!" Sharon comes running out of the kitchen and hugs him.
"I love you, too," he says.
"Randy!"
"I'm taking a shit, Sharon!" we hear his muffled voice.
"He's in the can. How long are you going to be here?" asks Sharon.
"Just three hours. Enough time to eat, shower, and talk a little."
"Come on, I'll make you something. I've only been cooking two portions while you were gone. How about a frozen pizza?"
"That's cool. Do you have two of them?"
.
Kyle comes downstairs and head into the kitchen.
"Are you Zest fully clean, Kyle, son?"
"More Spring-time fresh than my toilet bowl," he says and sits at the table.
"So, Kyle, tell us what you do over at Ranch Seasoning," she serves him some food.
"I … work and study. A lot."
"See, honey, he's developing a good work ethic. What kind of work?" Gerald asks.
"Ahhh, cleaning and cooking."
"A little hard work never killed anyone," Gerald says.
"Who was that film composer who died mowing his own lawn? Kyle asks.
"And it builds muscles," says Gerald.
"Oh, goodness, son, maybe when you're done training you could cook for us!" says Sheila.
"Ah, yeah," he says a little nervously, leaving out intentionally what they eat.
"So, tell us what you're studying," she asks and she sits down and prepares to eat. "Let us say grace first. Dear Lord, we are thankful for the bounty of yours we're about to receive. And we're thankful for having Kyle home however briefly. And thank you for this Myentology thing. Amen."
"they both says "Amen" with her.
"Go on, Kyle," says Sheila.
"Well … ahhh … oh – right now we're reading a contemporary literature classic – 'The Bridges of Madison County'; they made a movie based on it."
"Oh, I saw that film. I love Clint Eastwood. So, I guess the book is better than the film, yes?" Sheila asks.
"…sure."
"So, is there an over-arching goal of all this learning?" Gerald asks.
"Yesss. We're going Somewhere," Kyle continues wolfing down food as he replies.
"Sounds like a pretty strict regimen," says Gerald.
"You could say the time is structured like school."
"Interesting. I may have to stop by and visit to see how things are going. I wonder how your friend affords to run that place," says Gerald.
"Yeah, about that. E.T.C., I mean, Eric, used his book advance, but it's not enough to keep the place running, so he's seeking donations."
"Well, there's nothing unreasonable about that. How much?" asks Sheila.
"No amount specified," Kyle replies.
"How about five dollars, honey? Gerald asks Sheila.
"That's fine by me. That was going to be your allowance for a week of chores, but since you're not here to do them, it might as well go to a good cause that's bettering you."
"…nifty," says Kyle.
Gerald pulls out his wallet and takes out and hands Kyle money, which Kyle pockets.
"So, will you be visiting us often?" Sheila asks.
"Every Thursday at the same time for three hours."
Gerald says, "You know, I will stop by. Tel your friend I'll come by Saturday at about one."
"Okay."
"And you should go on social media and tell other kids about, before you leave," Gerald says to Kyle.
"Okay."
"Sounds like they should be able to experience this with you," says Sheila.
"I guess. This smooth harmless fork is making my hand bleed again," says Kyle.
.
The next morning. It's early morning before the sun has risen, though the glow of the approaching direct light fills the sky and air with a warm orange-colored hue. We hear the classical music piece "Spring" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi play as birds chirp, rabbits frolic, and a bear shits in the woods.
On his mattress, Kyle slumbers peacefully, with his hands in rubber gloves filled with Aloe Vera.
HHHUUUAAAAA! An air horn blows.
.
Lined up for inspection amongst the other kids, Kyle and Stan stare out wide-eyed.
Eric exits his shack Kyle.
"E.T.C. on deck Kyle!" Butters yells.
"Thank you, C.O.P. Butters. I am nothing if not benevolent, so given that last night was Shore Leave, I will give you all a pass on inspection. This morning. I assume everybody asked for donations, so line up to give to our Servicing Our Reserve Entitlement."
They all line up. Eric sits behind the desk he signed then up from originally. On the desk in a big square box.
Butters, first in line, walks up.
"Fold up the bill width wise into a rectangle and place it down next to the closed square lid on the box," says Eric.
Butters does so. A gear can be heard moving and the lid slowly opens, and a plastic off-white arm with a hand emerges, stops on the bill and quickly yanks it into the box, with the lid whacking shut.
"Wow, five dollars. Good work, Butters," Eric pats Butters on the back Kyle, "Next."
Stan comes up next and repeats the process, then gets back Kyle into the lineup, awaiting further instructions. Kyle steps up next.
"Child Kyle, how much have you brought us this week?"
"Three dollars – this week's allowance."
"Good work. You heard what to do."
Kyle gives the box hand the money and Eric pats him on the back Kyle. Kyle then walks over to Stan.
"Three dollars?" Stan whispers to Kyle, already knowing how much Kyle really got from his parents.
About ten minutes later, all the kids are back Kyle in line. Butters hauls the box into Eric's office, after Eric has the kids face away from it.
"Good job, Cretans. Any questions or comments while C.O.P. Butters puts the S.O.R.E. box away?"
Kyle raises a hand.
"Child Kyle?"
"My dad says he's going to visit Saturday at one to check the place out, Commissioner."
Eric looks a little paniChild Kyleed, but quickly regains composure, "Thanks for the early-warning Hog alert, Child Kyle. All right, everybody where they were yesterday," he adds as Butters enters the lineup.
Suddenly an old small BW van drives up and parks. A man steps out.
"Yeah, man, is this like the Ranch Seasoning place?"
Eric steps forward, "Yes, sir, it is. I'm the founder, Commissioner Cartman. How can I help you?"
The man slides open the side door and motions for a little white girl to get out. She hops down from the van. The man hands her a back pack.
"I, like, you know, read about this place on social media and want my little flower to join."
"Excellent; there's always room for more."
"Cool, thanks," he goes back Kyle into the van and shuts the door. "Bye, honey!"
A woman with paint on her face and a flower in her hair in the passenger seat yells out, too, "Bye, sweetie!"
The van drives off quickly.
The man says to the woman, "Awesome! Now we can smoke pit and walk around naked all day!"
"And join a cult!" the woman adds.
"That, too!"
They high five.
"Welcome, Cretan. What's your name? butters, a contract and a pen."
Butters walks off to the shack Kyle.
"Breanna Malkovitch."
"Well, Child Breanna, I'm E.T.C., though you can call me Commissioner. Failure to do so is one demerit in your Tattle folder," he sits back Kyle down at the table; Butters places a contract and the pen down. "Okay, I just need you to sign this agreement binding your Cretan to us for a bazillion years."
She just blinks.
.
About three hours later. Kyle and Stan sit in the kitchen peeling potatoes. The door opens and Eric walks in with Breanna.
"And this is the kitchen, Child Breanna," he then speaks to Kyle and Stan, "I caught her up some on the basics. Now, being that she's a girl, I've decided to utilize her feminine talents by putting her in her natural habitat: the kitchen. Well, carry on," Eric then leaves.
"Ah, so what can I help you guys with?" she asks them.
Stan says, "The bags marked 'mystery much'; dump one bag into each large cooking pot. Add some salt and water, then you can help us peel some potatoes."
"Yeah, we're already ahead for Sunday and Monday; we figure we can get ahead for Tuesday as well and not have to work as much those days," says Kyle.
.
Later that night; they all sit in the final study block of the day. They all read aloud from 'The Bridges of Madison County'.
"And slowly – rolling and turning in adagio, in adagio always – ice-man falls … from Dimension Z … and into her," all of them say together.
Breanna looks at Kyle and mouths, "What?"; Kyle just shrugs his shoulders.
.
Saturday morning. Kyle tosses and turns as he sleeps. A view of his face moves closer and closer as we hear him mutter, "No … no … no…"
We cut to inside Kyle's dream; Kyle sits in a chair alone. Behind an abnormally high desk is Butters – dressed in a Judge's robe and wig of white curls.
"…and you've been found guilty of keeping two dollars."
"No…"
"And I bet you think my wig is funny looking, too."
"Ahhh … nooooo…"
"Blasphemy! And finally, you've been found guilty of the most heinous crime of them all: not liking my little piccolo!"
"No!" looking up at butters.
"How does the jury find the defendant?"
Kyle looks over and the view quickly shifts to Eric sitting alone playing a video game on an iPhone, "Totally guilty," he says without looking up.
The view quickly shifts up to Butters, "Kyle Brotlovsy … Bratlotski … Brof…"
"Broflovski."
"Yeah, that. You've been found guilty by a jury of your peer. I sentence you to…"
"No!"
Butters reaches over for an air horn where his gabble would be, "Air horn!"
"NO!"
Butters picks up the air horn and just about as Kyle is about to get blasted, he wakes up before Judge Butters can do it.
Kyle wakes up peacefully to the sound of the classical piece "Morning song" by Edward Grieg. Eric nudges Kyle gently.
"Kyle … Kyle … good morning, Kyle."
Kyle sits up and sees it's brighter outside than normal.
"Good morning," says Kyle.
"Commissioner. One demerit."
Kyle looks around to see other kids awake.
"What time is it?" Kyle asks Stan.
"He told me seven. Still have to line up for inspection though."
"I wonder what's up," Kyle says aloud.
.
Thirty minutes later they are all standing in line for inspection. Eric walks out of his shack Kyle.
"C on deck Kyle!" Butters yells.
"Thank you. Today is a special day, so I've decided to let all you Cretans sleep in. Today will be a little different from normal days. I have special assignments for all of you. C.O.P. Butters, come hither."
"Hither?" Butters asks.
"It means come here. One demerit."
Butters walks over besides Eric.
"This is a whistle. On loan from the school life guard. Even though Child Kyle's dad is visiting, we must never forget he comes from a family of Hogs. So, when C.O.P. Butters blows the whistle once, hide any potentially dangerous cleaning materials of instruments you are using; if you can't, leave then and hide. When you hear two blows of the whistle, it's safe to come out and continue working. Child Kenny and Child Clyde, you'll be planting and then pruning Bonsai trees. The first three of you will be putting pine straw around all the trees. Another three of you will be using Oxi Clean to clean wood that isn't cracked and rotted away. The rest of you, except Child Stan and Child Kyle, will be removing and replacing wooden planks inside and out of the sheds – except mine – and using industrial-strength cleaners to get the old tub, sink, toilet and kitchen sink/surfaces clean. See the supply shed and Butters for details. Dismissed."
Everyone, but Stand and Kyle, disperse.
"I have an extra-special task for you two…" says Eric.
.
As Kenny and Clyde are at the start of digging holes, Eric leads Stan and Kyle to them; Stand and Kyle are holding long-width plastic rakes.
"After each bonsai tree is planted and trees based with pine straw are done, I want you two to go around them in circles over and over again until you have formed perfect circles in the sand. Then form perfect squares around each shack Kyle until Butters tells you to stop. Now I must go prepare for the Hog's arrival. Happy rake trails to you," and with that, Eric waddles off at a fast pace.
Stan finally speaks up after Eric is out of sight, "Okay … why are we going this?"
"I saw this in some movie once with Buddhist monks. I think it's some sort of technique for centering yourself. This may be a way of getting through our P.E.S.T. work more quickly."
"I guess…" says Stan.
.
Butters walks up to Clyde and Kenny, who are digging holes.
"Hey, guys, fresh nummy Oval-thal's to cure what ails you," says Butters.
"Ohhh … goodie," Clyde says, taking one of the cups.
"Butters!" we hear Eric yell as he runs over. "Butters!" he yells again.
"Yes, dear Commissioner?"
"C.O.P. Butters, your presence is required urgently," he grabs Butters by a hand and drags him off.
"I have another theory," Clyde says after drinking some Oval-thal," I think 'A Christmas Story' was nothing more than an attempt to insure future generations of shoppers knew what Ovaltine was."
.
Eric stops behind some trees and lets go of Butters.
"What's up, Eric?"
"Butters, isn't Kyle's dad a lawyer?"
"Yeah, for the city council, as I recall. He defended you in court while Sexual Harassment Panda was there, remember? You told me about it, since I wasn't there."
"Shit – what if Kyle complained and he's here to look things over for a lawsuit?"
"Oh, goodness, I hope not!" Butters says.
"That's right, Butters. You know what's at stake here; what's on the line. Butters … think good thoughts."