Eric and butters hammer nails into new wooden planks they have put on the roof.
"Aren't I a little young to be a roofer, Commissioner?"
"No. If you think that, clearly something must be wrong with you."
"Oh. Like what, Commissioner?"
"Clearly your Cretan is harboring many O/H's. You'll need a lengthy Analyzing. Yep, a deep RotoRooter-style Analyzing."
"Oh, gosh."
.
Kyle and Stan carry rocks over to the pile. Wendy sees Stan and goes toward him, as she carries a bucket of warm water from the kitchen, a tub of Oxi Clean and a scrub brush with a pole."
"Hey, Stan," she says to him.
"Hey, Wendy."
"Aren't you looking all manly and rugged today."
"Thanks, I guess. Though I'll have to look up rugged."
"Keep up the sweaty manly work," she leans in and kisses his forehead.
Craig, using a wheel barrow to carry away old wooden planks, sees her kiss Stan.
.
Eric and Butters tar and shingle the outhouse roof.
"You're making it too thick; spread it out, Butters."
"Ah, why am I doing all this hard labor again, Commissioner?"
"God, I already told you, Butters – so you don't become a criminal."
"But I don't feel like stealing anything, Commissioner."
"Today. But who knows what kind of deceptive klepto' you might become tomorrow. Just stay on the Bridge to Somewhere."
"But, this is a ladder, Commissioner."
"Sometimes the Bridge to Somewhere looks like a ladder. And in about an hour it will look like the floor of an outhouse."
.
Stan and Kyle work in the kitchen.
"Because of all these new kids, all that preparation we did to get ahead has been lost," says Kyle.
"I'm beginning to hate potatoes. More than celery. How's the mystery mash going, Breanna?" Stan asks.
"It's coming along. I may hurl."
"Probably just as good," Stan quietly says to Kyle.
The door opens. They look over expecting Eric, but instead see Wendy.
"Wendy, what are you doing here?" asks Kyle.
"E.T.C. said since I'm a woman, I belonged in the kitchen."
"Oh," Kyle says.
"Why are you guys in here?" Wendy asks.
"Ah…" says Kyle.
"Ah…" says Stan.
"So, what do you need help with?" Wendy asks.
"Potato peeling," says Kyle.
.
1:45 pm – the first study block of the day. All the kids sit in a now very crampt room, with some sitting on upside down buckets and sharing a desk top with another student. Eric walks in.
"Okay, welcome new Cretans. Just so there's no confusion, you will all address me as either E.T.C. or Commissioner. With so many girls now here at Ranch Seasoning, I think it's time for a reminder on demerit offenses involving the sexes. I speak of O/H's – Overts and Holdbacks. Overts are sins you have committed. No 2B – second base, or 3B – third base. Remember – I and C.O.P. Butters will be on the lookout for your O/H faces. Those who report offenses will earn one demerit removal from your Tattle file. If you see something, say something. Now," Eric walks behind his desk and sits, "Today we begin delving into Myentology principles. At the basic core, as you know, is to help people clear the Cretans from themselves, to fully Translucate them. They are the great Hog unwashed. Can anybody tell me what the number one problem is when dealing with Cretan Hogs? Yes, Wendy?"
"They're Hogs, E.T.C.?"
"No, Child Wendy. Communication is the problem. You cannot effectively communicate with Hogs until you learn what the words you are saying mean. That's why using Word Hurdling, you'll be learning what even simple every day words mean. Today we'll start with a simple one: is."
"But, don't we all already know what is means, Commish?" asks Kenny.
"Yes and no, it depends on what your definition of is is."
"Oh, gee wiz," says Butters.
"And so we'll be spending the next few hours studying and practicing all possible uses of the word is."
.
Wendy kneels beside Kyle at the square trough as Stan finishes putting food out and Butters pours mystery mush into the trough on their side.
"What is mystery mush?" Wendy asks.
"Throw-up yellow with red and green bits," Kyle replies.
"No, really – what is it?" Wendy asks again.
"I don't know," says Kyle.
"It's probably better we don't," says Stan.
"It's a mystery," says Kenny.
"Well, if I should give you a kiss on the cheek later," she says in a low voice, "I might get green and red bits on you," Wendy says to Stan.
Craig, pretending not to be looking, continues eating – having seen the whole exchange.
"What do you suppose our parents are doing right now?" Kyle asks them.
"I don't know," says Stan.
Clyde speaks, "Hey – stop talking with your mouths full; what do you think we are – pigs?"
.
CUT TO: Around two dozen parents dance and party to the song "Macarena".
"This is awesome; we should pawn off our kids to some organization every year!" Randy exclaims.
"Yeah!" Sharon shouts.
Randy continues speaking, "Can you believe Stan said this song was totally gay? Well, if this song is totally gay, then I'm totally gay!"
"Oh, Gerald – I'm feeling sensations in dormant parts of my womanhood and my hips are involuntarily undulating!" says Sheila.
"Don't be afraid of a little new excitement honey! But don't over exert yourself."
"Heyyyyy Macarena," says Ned.
"Who'd like to have an orgy?! Yeah!" Liane blurts out while dancing with a stranger. Half the men shout excitedly.
"How much has she had to drink?" Jimbo asks the bartender.
The bartender looks at a bottle on the bar counter, "Half a Fresca."
"Oh. Make sure she finishes that Fresca," Jimbo then turns to Liane, "Me! Me! Pick me!"
.
Later that night during the final study block.
"Okay, I think that's enough word studying for tonight. Everybody go ahead and full out your T.P.S. reports," says Eric.
"Oh boy – T.P.S.!" Butters exclaims.
"Except you, Butters. Please come with me," says Eric.
"Yes, Commissioner."
Eric leads Butters outside and to a shed no one has yet been in. Eric opens the door to the dark and dank shed. He reaches up and pulls a metal-beaded chain that turns on a battery-operated ceiling light. As Eric closes the entrance door, Butters notes a closed door inside that shack with the words "DO NOT ENTER" painted on it in white.
"Sit down, Butters."
Butters sits in a chair that is facing another old rickety wooden chair that Eric then sits in.
"I am Analyzing you."
"Okay," Butters responds.
"Are you hungry?" Eric asks.
"Well, yes, actually, but I'm a growing kid, so I'm always hungry."
"No, I mean hungry hungry."
"Oh. Then no."
"Good. Is there any reason not to start this invasiveness?"
"No."
"Good. Are you now or have you ever been a communist?"
"No," says Butters.
"Good. Have you or any of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic?"
"I don't know about my family."
"Yes or no."
"Ahhh … no."
"Good. Are you habitually using drugs?"
"No."
"Good. Are you, Butters, menstruating right now?"
"Nnnooo…" Butters trails off, not sure what the word even means.
"Good. Well, then is it something about roofing?"
"I'm not a roofer, but I don't have anything against it."
"Good enough. Are you maybe holding back any Overts or Holdbacks?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Are you really really sure? Come on, Butters, let me see your O/H face."
"But I'm not holding back!"
"Don't be a N.a.D.S., because if you are, you're totally N.a.D.S.."
"I'm not – I pinky swear! What is this all about, Commissioner?"
"Butters, this is an atypical Analyzing; had it been the standard one, I would have used the S-Meter on you. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt because in less than three weeks, things are going to change. I'm going to need you to lead my team when that happens."
"What team?"
"In due course, Butters, all in due course. Now, let's go see how the T.P.S. reports are doing."
"Right O!" Butters exclaims and follows Eric out of the shed.
"And try to do something about that menstruating."
"Aye, aye!"
.
The children unwind, preparing to go to bed for the night in the even more compacted sleeping area.
As Kyle nears the mattress next to Stan, he's suddenly cut off by Wendy.
"Move it or lose it," he says to Stan.
"Hey, but that's my mattress."
"I don't see your name on it."
"Well … Kyle's my friend."
"And he's my on again, off again boyfriend; over ruled."
"Come lay on the mattress next to me; I'm your friend, too," Kenny says to Kyle.
"I know, it's just…"
"Hey, Stan," says Wendy.
"Hey, Wendy," Butters comes walking in.
"All right, can I have your attention, Student Cretans?" asks Butters.
They all hush up.
"Founding members already know what I'm going to say, but new members need to listen up: in order to better help calm your Cretan down and therefore help you sleep better, every night we do the Pull Assist System Scheme, or P.A.S.S.; I'll demonstrate," Butters walks over to Craig – who has taken the second mattress (since the first is marked off for Butters). He touches Craig on an arm, "Can you feel that?"
Craig looks up at him, "Why are you touching me?"
"This is how P.A.S.S. works."
"Then I take a pass," says Craig.
"You can't; you'll get a bad-night's sleep and a demerit each time. Someone has to touch you and you have to touch the person next to you."
Craig looks over and see Clyde on the mattress next to him, "Perfect," he says with sarcasm, "Just what the rumor mill needed."
"Okay, so everybody just touch each other," says Butters.
"Can you feel that?" Craig asks apathetically.
"Yes," Clyde says back with just as much apathy.
This repeats from kid to kid.
Wendy reaches over to Kyle, "Can you feel that?"
"Whoa!" Kyle exclaims.
Stan looks over.
"Well, somebody's awfully sensitive tonight," says Butters, looking over.
"Yeah, I guess so…" Stan trails off.
Wendy giggles some, Clyde and Stan just look on confused, and others ignore then, except for Craig – who saw everything.
Once everyone is done, Butters walks over to each wall-mounted battery-operated circular dome light and presses each to turn them off.
"Wait a minute – nobody touched you, C.O.P. Butters," says Craig.
"It's just Butters after nine. And sure I have; when I touched you, I touched myself. Well, good night," he shuts the last light off.
Various kids giggle at Craig's expense. Craig sighs heavily, just glad that no cellphones, iPads or computers of any kind are allowed at Ranch Seasoning.