Thursday. Kids do what they were doing last Thursday, except new arrivals, who help prune trees of dead branches and leaves. Some kids prepare another bushy area for more toilet holes. Kenny and Clyde are still planting, but nearly finished.

"I have a theory, Kenny: theaters keep the floors of rooms sticky to collect shoe prints so local and state police as well as Federal agencies can compare them to a vast secret online shoe-print database. It's on off-shoot conspiracy based on the penny conspiracy."

"What if they don't go to the theater?" Kenny asks.

"Of course they'll go. Who do you think is seeing all these Godawful Transformers movies, and prequels nobody asked for, and an endless stream of painfully unfunny Tyler Perry films? Criminals."

"Stupid people, too," Kenny adds.

"Well, that's just a combo like a hermaphrodite."

Craig and another kid walk by, dragging dead branches to the side of the road.

"God, is Clyde talking about hermaphrodites again?" Craig comments.

The kid replies, "You'd know more about that then I would."

"Hey," Craig shouts back. Craig spots Eric approaching; talking to each kid along the way. "Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. Can you handle it while I go requisition toilet paper from the Commish? Since I don't see Barbrady 2.0 anywhere."

"Sure, but you carry the nest ones by yourself," the kid responds.

Craig approaches Eric; when he sees Eric in-between kids, he speeds up to catch him.

"Commish," Craig calls out.

"Ah, Child Craig. What takes you away from your P.E.S.T. work?"

"Remember when you said if we saw something, to say something, Commish?"

"Child Craig, if you flip me off and tell me you saw something, I'm going to tact on fifty demerits to your Tattle folder."

"No, no; I have seen something," he says quietly to Eric.

"Oh … come with me."

.

Eric stands behind Craig – who has his pants down; Eric holds a roll of toilet paper.

"Is this really necessary?" Craig asks.

"You're the one who excused himself to the holes; now we have to keep the ruse up. Now, make it convincing; with that Cretan in you, you're crapping for two now."

"Could you not look at me while I'm squatting, Commish?"

"Less talking, more fake crapping Child Craig."

As Stan and Kyle carry food supplies down the ramp of the delivery truck, Kyle spots Kenny and Clyde pointing and looking over at the holes; Kyle looks as well.

"What's going on?" Kyle asks them.

"Looks like Craig is in trouble," Kenny replies.

"Better him than us," says Clyde.

Kyle comments, "Come on, Craig – take the high road…"

Craig turns around. Other kids stop and look at the spectacle.

"Guys, we all know what Craig does," says Stan.

"Just hold on; let's give him the benefit of the do-"

Kyle stops when Craig suddenly flips Eric off.

"Eeewwwww…" most of them exclaim in a low voice.

"BUTTERS!" Eric screams loudly.

After a few seconds Butters comes running over. Eric is seen wildly gesturing and talking angrily. Craig takes the toilet paper and both stand there impatiently as Craig uses it. Finally, Butters escorts Craig away to the Dumpings. Eric walks up to the kids; they start working again.

"Attention, Cretans, Child Craig will not be going on Shore Leave today. Anybody attempting to help him out or bring him anything will lose Shore Leave privileges for two weeks. As you were – the ruffle is over."

.

Kyle, Stan, Breanna, and Wendy begin preparing some food for tomorrow's breakfast when Eric comes walking in.

"Child Wendy, I need you to clean the Dumpings. C.O.P. Butters will assist you."

"Yes, E.T.C.," she stops what she's doing and exits the kitchen.

"I'll assign you Cretans a replacement tomorrow. Remember to be Servicing Our Reserve entitlement when home."

.

Kenny and Clyde shake fresh soil onto he ground and rake it into the old soil, having finished planting.

"I have a theory, Kenny."

"Stop the presses…" Kenny says in a low voice.

"Seed-selling companies call these Bonsai trees to make then sound exotic and different, but over in Japan they probably just call them 'trees' and are sick to fuck of looking at them. Maybe they're like weeds over there."

"What about all the other seeds they export?" Kenny asks.

"Lots of weed varieties."

"That is what Japan is known for – lots of weeds," Kenny says with sarcasm.

.

Eric stands and waits patiently as the last kids are picked up by parents for Shore Leave; all the others having walked on foot, picked up, and Stan and Kyle who arranged the prior week to be picked up by Timmy every Thursday at the same time. Once the vehicle is out of sight, Eric turns around and heads to the Dumpings. Inside, Butters and Craig chat as Eric enters.

"Craig," says Eric.

"Eric."

"Craig-"

"Eric," Craig interrupts.

"No, Craig, I was beginning my sentence."

"Oh."

"First of all, thank you for playing along with that ruse earlier. Now, you may be wondering what this is all about."

"Not especially."

"The thing is, Craig, things are going to be changing in two weeks, and when they do, I'll be needing more people like Butters; Cretans who will be Prominent Individuals Servicing the Scheme. Butters is taking the P.I.S.S. already. If you agree to be a part of it, you'll too be taking the P.I.S.S.."

"Does that mean I'll be a C.O.P., too?"

"No, C.O.P.s will be eliminated and replaced by a lower-rung position. You'd be above both, you'll enjoy certain perks and you'll get some authorita."

"Hum … I think I might enjoy taking the P.I.S.S., too. What do I have to do?"

"Aside from keeping this hush hush, just one thing: let me cure you of middlefingeritis."

Craig flips him off.

"Ay!"

.

Gerald pops his head out of a bush; on his face is green and black face paint. He stands up, covered in military camos, including a camo yamaka. He sneaks around quickly from bush to bush and tree to tree, making his way to Eric's shed; he looks around cautiously while humming the "Mission: Impossible" original series theme. Gerald runs up behind Eric's shed and examines it; finding no windows or holes, he skulks around the walls to the front door. He looks around the walls to the front door. He looks and sees an expensive lock on the door and a re-enforced frame. Gerald listens and heard a hum from behind the door.

"Curiouser and and curiouser … but no match for my little lock picking kit…"

He pulls a rolled up thing of assorted picks from his pocket and choses a couple of them. He brings them up to the lock and slides one in; he uses the other to jimmy it and suddenly a loud alarm goes off.

"Damnit," he exclaims and quickly tries to roll back up his lock picks.

What's that?" Craig asks.

Eric runs, "Butters, somebody's trying to break into my shed!"

Eric charges out the Dumpings at full ludicrous waddle speed. Gerald runs off into the surrounding forest.

"Come back here, asshole! So I can shoot you in the nuts!"

"Commissioner, I think you'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar," says Butters.

"Right, right," Eric then yells, "Please come back so I can shoot you in the nuts!"

Eric then dashes over to his shack to check it.

"Did he get in, Commissioner?"

Eric closes the door after using his key to open it, "No, the Hog didn't get in."

"I wonder what the guy wanted."

"Isn't it obvious, Butters?"

"Ah … no."

"The copyrights and paper work are in there temporarily until the C.O.C. unit is completed. The guy was wearing Army camouflage, Butters; the Military Industrial Complex is after my secrets."

"Ahhh … why?"

"how should I know? Yet there he was!" Eric says while pointing at the forest.

"Should I flip off the woods, Commish" Craig calls out.

"You're too late, Craig; you're like that comedy song The Ballad of Irving."

"Neat; is it about giving the bird?"

Eric sighs heavily, "We'll need someone to guard my shack and my C.O.C. unit until I can get protection for my C.O.C.."

"I got it: What if we put a giant condom over it?" Butters suggests.

"One for-real demerit," Eric replies.

"Ow…"

"Craig, how would you like to be taking the P.I.S.S. sooner?" Eric asks.

"I'm ready to stand and deliver," Craig replies.

.

Friday morning – the next day. Eric finishes patting the last kid on the back after turning over a donation to the box.

"Good job, Cretans; all of you must be feeling, like, S.O.R.E. right now. Child Kenny, tell your Hogs that Canadian pennies, buttons, metal slugs and Chucky Cheese tokens are not acceptable S.O.R.E. contributions."

"What about I.O.U.'s, E.T.C.? Kenny asks.

"No I.O.U.'s; they weren't acceptable to order crappy seen-on-TV products even in the 1980's. Now, you new S.C.U.M. have never seen the miracle of Fartenetics at work live, so P.E.S.T. work will end half an hour early to give you time to clean up and use the holes and report to my shed; at such time you will witness a miracle on one of you…" Eric turns around and goes back into his shed.

Butters speaks, "Dear Commissioner has decided to pass you all for inspection die to S.O.R.E. efforts. Child Clyde, Child Kenny, since you are done plating seeds and bonsai trees, water them with Miracle Gro and start pruning dead leaves. After that, spray the leaves with a bottle of water and Epsom salt; it'll help the leaves absorb more sun and grow faster. After that, pull any new weeds. Let me know if you need anymore work."

"C.O.P. butters," says Kyle, raising a hand.

"Child Klye."

"We're done pulling rocks from the lake; everything else is pebbles."

"Good. Heat up pots of water until hot but not hot enough to burn you. Add coops of Oxi Clean and rocks and let them set for a couple of hours; then brush them clean and set them in the empty card board boxes outside. While you're waiting, you can clean the kitchen. Everybody else do what you were doing Wednesday, except Child Craig and Child Wendy. You two will be guarding the outside of Commissioner's shed, so report back to the Dumpings after breakfast for your special guard uniforms. Everybody get preppin' and report for breakfast at 8:30 as usual. Dismissed!"

Kyle, Stan, and Breanna immediately hurry to the feeding barn to prep and cook breakfast.

.

Craig and Wendy exit the Dumpings wearing red T-shirts with black pants, with the upper case letters R.C.M.P. in white on the front.

"Child Craig, Child Wendy, you now have the honor of guarding the Commissioner's private sanctum."

"Why?" asks Craig.

"Because somebody tried to break into it yesterday, remember?"

"Oh, I'm supposed to still care about that?" Craig asks.

"Child Craig, I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. You are both officially, during P.E.S.T. work, R.C.M.P.'s – Ranch Center Manning Personnel. These uniforms are only to be worn at these times, otherwise you have to change back into your kennies. You'll start six feet apart, three feet from the shed, and will have you back to it. At now time are you to turn around when the door is ajar or enter without Commissioner's expressed permission each time. You'll eat breakfast after everyone else, that way there is always somebody outside to ward off any intruders."

.

The kids all kneel down before the square trough, eating their morning Grade-F gruel.

Where's Wendy?" Kenny asks Stan.

"Yeah, I don't see her at the trough anywhere," Kyle comments.

"I don't know," says Stan.

"Then can you asswipes move over and stop saving a space so the rest of us can have some elbow room?" Clyde blurts out.

"Sorry. Go head, Kenny," says Stan.

Kenny and other scoot over to fill the space.

"Hey, I don't see Craig either," says Kenny.

"Good – more gruel for the rest of us," says Clyde.

"Hum. I wonder if she's in trouble, but then I guess Craig would be in trouble, too," says Kyle.

"Even more gruel for us," says Clyde.

"I just feel … it was nice having her here. It's lonely now. The only thing I have to brighten up my day now is the sun … while I clean rocks," says Stan.

"You gonna eat that gruel?" asks Clyde.

.

Hours later. All the kids stand patiently feet away from Eric's shed, except Butters and Craig who stand together and close, and Wendy who stands in her R.C.M.P. kennies.

"I can't believe my girls friend is Benton Fraiser," says Stan.

"Can you believe this? They actually pay people to do this in Canada," says Clyde.

Butters plays the old maritime three notes on his piccolo.

"Come to attention for dear Commissioner!"

The door then cracks open enough for Eric to come out but not let them see in.

"Welcome, to a miracle. A miracle all of you Cretans will behold. You shall all bare witness to Fartenetics in action. Child Craig, you are known to have an … over-active middle finger."

"It does rise to attention more than an eighteen-year-old in a whore house, Commish."

"That's a … quaintly unique way of putting it," says Eric.

"I thought so, Commish."

"Well, no longer; prepare to be cured of you birdie by the power of Fartenetics! Child Craig, I want you to not flip me off!"

Craig flips Eric off; some kids snicker.

"My finger slipped."

"That's just your reactionary mind at work; tell that finger to stop it now!" he then backs up to Craig and pulls his pants and underwear down; Eric then farts on Craig.

"UGH!"

"It's okay, Child Craig, that's just the sound of Fartenetics working. Now, I want you to picture you flipping your prime-verse self off; now tell that mirror universe NAZI Craig to cut it out now!" he then farts on Craig again, this time with a loud choppy fart.

"I still feel the urge…"

"Crush that goatee-wearing mirror universe Golden Dawn party inner self; you are master and commander of your middle finger. Say it!" Eric then farts again, this time beginning crescendoing spurt of air followed by a quick-tempoed flutter which dies out and is culminated in more air.

"Must fight finger…" Craig says.

"Say it again!" Eric farts and quickly stops, "That was close…" he says in a very low voice while clenching his butt cheeks.

"Must … fight … finger," Craig struggles with his hand.

"Now…" Eric clenches his butt cheeks and tries to fart without anything other than flatulence coming out, "flip that National Socialist off in your mind and tell him no more!" Eric commands; sharp high-octave sputters sound briefly.

"You…" Craig's right hand shakes, "will not…" he fights to keep his middle finger from becoming fully erect, "control … me!"

Craig's finger goes down and he then exhales in relief.

"I did it – I'm cured!" Craig exclaims.

"Congratulations!" Eric then farts one more time, "Aaaggghhhh," he exhales as well.

"Stunning and brave!" Butters exclaims while clapping; other kids join in.

"Hip hip!" Eric starts.

"Hooray!" all the kids say in unison.

"Hip hip!" Eric again says.

"Hooray!" all the kids, plus Wendy, shout in unison.

"No, not you," Eric says to Wendy.

"I'll never flip again," says Craig.

Stan and Kyle look at each other.