Eric walks into the first study block session of the day.
"All right, Cretans, today's word is penis."
Some kids snicker.
"There nothing funny about penis. Today I'm going to start things off differently by having all of you write out the various ways to use the word penis. Remember: using penis can sometimes seem easy, but often is penis hard. C.O.P. Butters will oversee studies while I;m gone."
"Aye, yie, Commissioners!" Butters salutes.
"Child Stan, please come with me," says Eric.
Stan follows Eric out of the study shack and to the mystery shack; once in, Eric opens the door marked "DO NOT ENTER".
"Sit down," Eric motions to a chair next to a small table with some sort of machine on it. "Now take your shirt off."
"You're not going to TSA me, are you?" Stan asks.
"No. One demerit. I'm hooking you up to the Systemic Electropsycho Reading Fixative, or the S-Meter. Child Stan, I have reason to believe you are in the Condition of Problem Child, and therefore I am going to ask you some questions," he turns the machine on, "and the S-Meter will read the O/H signals of your body that you are obviously hiding," he then holds the two metal cans with wires attached to them leading back to the S-Meter, to Stan's nipples.
Stan says a little worriedly, "How do I know if I passed?"
"Hold there," Eric then fiddles with a knob to what looks like an old radio from the 1950's, "You see, if you're not holding anything back, the S.E.R.F. needle will float; stay in the general middle. If you do have Overts and Holdbacks, it'll do a Dole straight down to the left or right. Now, while you hold those to your nipples, I'm going to fiddle with my knob…" Eric adjusts it while keeping an eye on the needle."
Stan looks on nervously as the needle bounces back and forth, but only hesitates in the middle; finally, the needle crashes to a side.
"Oh … that's not good; you've Troied the needle."
"Maybe the machine is faulty, Commissioner."
"The S-Meter never lies; don't be a Hog. The procedure now is for you to be Analyzed," Eric sits across from Stan, and looks at him, "Are you hungry?"
"Well, yes, now that you ment—"
"Not general hunger, like, starving hunger."
"Then no," Stan replies.
"Good. Are you tired; in the no sleep sense."
"Ah, no."
"Is there any reason not to start this invasiveness?"
"No, I guess not."
"Good. Are you the Lindberg baby?"
"I don't even know who that is."
"I'll take that as a 'No'. Do you know who wrote the book of love?"
"No."
"Good. Do you know where in the world Carmen Sandiego is?"
"No. what's with these questions?"
"I'm establishing a baseline S.E.R.F. needle reading."
"Oh."
"Have you, Child Stan, masturbated this week?"
"I don't see what that's got to do with anyt-"
"Back off man, I'm a scientist."
Stan hesitates, then relents, "Yes."
"Good. Have you been boning with any of the Cretans this week?"
"No."
"Good. Any 2B or 3B Holdbacks?"
"Ah, no."
"Egt – no, no, you needle is flipping wildly like Flipper moments before his untimely demise in his over-heated tank."
"No, I'm under duress!" says Stan.
"The needle is flatter than the 'Flatliners' remake!"
"Agh!"
"Did you feel up another Cretans?"
"No!"
"Better. Did another Cretan feel you up?"
"Sort of."
"Child Stan, the needle doesn't understand 'sort of'; be more precise."
"Someone may have … grabbed my wiener."
"Good. Was is Clyde?"
"No."
"Good, good. Did you like it?"
"Why does that matter?"
"I can't make you fully Translucent and able to help others without knowing what O/H's I'm trying to purge from your Cretan!"
"Yeah, I did."
"Did it, like, jump a bit?"
"Yes."
"Good. Was it a girl?"
"Yes," Stan says firmly.
"'cause I won't judge your perversion."
"It was a girl!"
"Good. Did you do anything to her to make her jump?"
"No."
"Oh. Anything else I should know of?"
"Not really; that's was really it."
"Good. Well, remember, Child Stan, Cretans must remain O/H free in order to become Translucent and stay on the Bridge to Somewhere. You must hold back and push deep down all that pent up sexual tension and never release it; just like Catholic priests. Your needle is floating now, so Analyzing is over; we shall return to studies."
They both get up and leave.
.
About 6:45 pm; the first study block is about to end.
"Okay, Student Cretans, I think we all got a firm grasp on penis. Everybody turn your papers in so I can go over then and make sure everybody knows penis thoroughly like they should."
One-by-one each kid lays their paper on a stack on Eric's desk on their way to clean up for dinner.
.
Wendy and Craig stand watch at Eric's shed as everybody else eats dinner.
"So … come here often?" Craig asks her.
"Oh God…" Wendy says in a low voice.
"I gotta know … what's so special about Stan? Why him and not me?"
"Well, I thought you and Clyde were … special friends."
"What? No! Goddamnit, how'd that rumor ever start?!"
"I don't know. I just assumed it was true after all those Asian kids started making art work over it."
"No! Fuck all of them! Not in the literal sense. In fact, don't tell anyone I said that."
"Hey, I got an idea: why don't I not tell anybody about a single word of these exchanges?" she says with a faint trace of sarcasm.
"Yeah, that's even better. So, how about we have dinner together at the same trough side?"
"How about we don't," says Wendy.
.
Eric sits down behind his desk in the final study block of the day.
"All right Cretans. To make sure you grasp on penis is firm, I want you to show me all the ways to use penis; write out sentences demonstrating penis use, then swap with another Cretans and let them judge your use of penis. C.O.P. Butters, come with me; I need to speak to you over your use of penis."
Eric and Butters exit and head over and into the cafeteria barn; Eric looks around for anybody sneaking about as they cross the ground.
Wendy and Craig looks up from eating dinner when they hear people enter; they watch the two out of curiosity. Eric sits at his eating table; Craig sits where Butters normally sits.
"What's this all about, Commissioner?"
"Butters, I tasked all Cretans, but looking at your paper on penis use, I only see three things; one: I have a penis. Two: I wee from my penis. And three: my penis makes creamy good. Butters, is this as far as your penis goes?"
"Well, Commissioner, that's all I could come up with."
"What about: every man has a penis?"
"Oh. I didn't think of it."
"And that's what Word Hurdling is for. You see, there are many ways to use penis. Describing size: Eric's penis is huge."
"I thought we measured your penis and it was-"
Eric interrupts Butters, "My penis is huge. Don't contradict the Commissioner!"
"Sorry, Commissioner."
"Finish this sentence: The penis goes in the black."
"Cup?" says Butters.
"Technically yes, but I'm looking for a more specific answer."
"Aaahhh…" Butters ponders and then says, "Sock?"
"Also technically correct, but I'm thinking of something else. Something only women have."
"Oh!" Butters exclaims.
"I knew you'd get it."
"In the middle of boobs!" Butters says.
"No, vagina, Butters! Vagina!"
Wendy covers her ears.
"Minus one demerit for not saying ass. Now, if you add the letter I to the word 'pens', you get…"
"Penis," Butters answers.
"Good. Now you try it; use penis to describe a health issue."
"Ummm, got it – my sprung ankle is as swollen as a penis," says Butters.
"Excellent. Now use it to describe a state of being."
'Well, that's an easy one: that dead guy is stiff as a penis!" Butters says excitedly.
"Now you're handling penis correctly!" says Eric.
"Great! Well, that was fun. Now I can get back to studies," says Butters.
"Not so fast. I want you to stay here and use this Word Hurdling booklet," Eric pulls a small paper pamphlet out of his Popeye the Sailor Man faux Navy pockets shirt and hands it to Butters, "on the ways to use words and write out every single way you can think of. Now," Eric stands up, "I have S.C.U.M. to teach," Eric then exits out of the barn.
"Oh, fiddle sticks," Butters then begins writing after reading some of the pamphlet. Stumped, he looks over at Wendy and Craig, "Hey, guys. How's it going?"
"Fine," Wendy answers.
"Fine," Craig also says.
"Say, Wendy, you wouldn't happen to know how to use penis, would you?" asks Butters.
"I'm not helping you cheat," Wendy replies.
"Oh. Craig, you know how to use penis, right?"
"Goddamnit! It's just a fucking rumor!"
An awkwardly long silence hangs in the air.
Then Butters speaks, "Well, fine then; if that's how you feel, keep your penis use to yourself. But gosh golly, don't ask me to help you with your penis use in the future."
Craig stops eating and looks angrily at Wendy.
"I'm not hungry anymore," says Craig.
.
As Eric walks back to the kids to go over the judging of their work, he is watched from the bushes. Once out of sight, Gerald sneaks out from behind the, in the same get-up as last time. As he sneaks around, he hums in a low voice the theme from the original "Mission: Impossible" TV series. He again pulls out a lock pick set once at Eric's shack. He begins picking it.
"Come on, come on. Don't look around, work the lock…" he looks about, "You looked around!"
Finally he catches all the tumblers and the lock gives, allowing him to open the door; he looks around, enters and closes the door behind himself.
We hear Gerald comment from inside the shack, "Holy smokes…"
.
Just as Eric is about to sit down at his desk, a better-operated red light flashes from underneath his desk. He sees the wireless security alarm and leaps back up.
"Keep working on penis!" and he again goes to full ludicrous waddle speed.
Gerald hears an air horn and panics, "Ut oh…" he quickly exits the shack.
"BUTTERS!" Eric screams at the top of his lungs.
Butters drops his pen and leaps up, "Oh, no – the Military industrial complex is back!"
Butters runs toward the exit. Wendy and Craig look at each other, then get up and follow Butters.
Once outside, they see Eric and run after him.
"Stop you thieving Bilko! AGH! My soul for some hounds!"
Butters catches up to Eric as Eric slows down from entering the woods.
"Commissioner! Child Wendy and Child Craig are guarding your shack. Your orders!"
"Get that black-helicopter flying, Area-52-working, underground star chamber attending son of a bitch!"
"I can't, Commissioner."
"Why not?!" Eric stops and looks at Butters.
"You have the only flash light, he's already out of sight. And even if I could take him, there's no place to hold him."
"That's it! Tomorrow you and I are finishing the C.O.C. shack and making sure it's secure. I want my valuables securely under my C.O.C.."
.
Gerald hides behind a thick tree for enough into the woods to where he feels secure.
"I know your secret, Eric Cartman. Oh, yessireee. And pretty soo-"
"Ay, you fucking asshole!"
Gerald sees a flashlight beam nearby and hears branches and leaves crunch and snap underfoot.
"Damnit," Gerald exclaims and runs away as rocks are thrown in his general direction.