The moment that Maria Susanna Morris stepped onto Platform 9 3/4, any bit of sanity that the universe might have still had was destroyed. "Oh my gosh it's the chosen one!" a couple of fangirls screamed. And then wizardom in its entirety went nuts.

During the ensuing chaos that was the ride to Hogwarts, Maria started having second thoughts about the whole wizard business. She ended up in a fairly empty compartment with a boy with red hair and another with green eyes. "Hi," the first boy stated. "I'm Ron."

"I'm Harry," said the second.

"I'm Maria," said Maria. "It's nice to meet you."

"Are you the girl that that prophecy is about?" asked Ron.

"Yeah. Do you have any idea what the prophecy is even about? Because I have no clue."

"Me neither," shrugged Harry. All three children smiled. "I was actually a mite worried about my own prophecy. I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort and be special and stuff, but now that you're here, I guess your prophecy is kinda overshadowing mine, so I don't have to worry about fame and stuff. Thanks."

"Um, okay."

"Can we be friends?"

"Sure."

"Hey, will you marry me?" asked Ron. Maria blinked. "Oh right, we're all under twelve here," Ron remembered. "In that case, can we be friends?"

"...Sure..."

Draco opened the door. "Can we be friends, too?"

"I don't know you, but okay..."

"Oh! Please be our friend, too!" Hermione, Percy, Fred, Nevile, George, Seamus, Dean, the lady with the cart of sweets, the conductor of the train, and Luna all asked, shoving past Draco to squeeze into the compartment.

"...Er..."

"And don't forget us!" Dumbledore's voice boomed, having been magically projected from Hogwarts. A chorus of other voices boomed, most likely belonging to all the other teachers plus Hagrid and Fluffy.

Maria was regretting stepping onto the train.

Finally, they got off at Hogwarts. Maria took a deep breath at the sight of the castle, but after a moment, the tide of students pushed her in. At the great hall, the older students were already seated. A hush fell over the crowd and the sorting began.

Maria heard her name. She stepped forward nervously and the hat was placed over her head. The second it touched her hair, it immediately screamed, "She fits perfectly in all the houses!" Maria blinked. "Also will you please be my friend?!"

x

Maria pounded on the door to Dumbledore's office. After a moment, the elderly wizard answered. "Can you help me? I think I'm cursed," Maria complained.

"Why would you say that?" asked Dumbledore.

"I do all the spells perfectly, Professor Snape says I should be in the 7th year potions class, all the other teachers say that I should be in the most advanced classes they offer, I just became the captain of the Quidditch team, eighteen dementors flew in yesterday and wanted to kiss me because they love me so much, the Minister of Magic personally told me that I should be the next Minister of Magic, and I'm being constantly harassed by friendship proposals."

"I see..."

"Can you somehow get rid of this ridiculous curse so I can go back to normal?"

"You must first fulfill the prophecy!" screamed Dumbledore. "You must stop the dark lord who is, dun dun dun, your father!"

"Are you flipping kidding me?!" Maria shouted. "Fine, if that's what it takes to get us all out of this madness!" And with that, she marched up to Voldemort, bypassed his villainous monologue, and kicked him in the shin. Utterly defeated, Voldemort ran home and cried. "Well thank goodness that's over!" sighed Maria. "Can I be normal now?"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. And then everything went back to normal. The end.

Or is it?

Yes, it's the end.