CHAPTER 30: WHAT AM I?

"I said 'no' six times to as many people already!" Shinji snapped as he zipped up his jacket. He was leaving NERV, or trying to. After coming to in the hospital and learning that he wasn't being held he promptly left the facility. However, the powers that be wanted to debrief him. Ritsuko and both commanders had tried to persuade him to sit down. But Shinji didn't want to. Now, it was Misato's turn. "Nothing happened down there!"

"So you just sat there?" Misato asked. "Fat, dumb and happy?"

"It got a little cold," Shinji clarified. "Had some freaky dreams, but that's nothing really new. And I got really hungry. Still am, by the way. But that's the extent of it. I tried to sleep but it was kind of difficult pulling a naptime marathon."

"Shinji…"

"No, Misato," Shinji said in a more even tone. "I was stuck in that fucking entry plug for over half a day, I'm so hungry I could eat a hard boiled ostrich egg and I could use some fresh air." He turned to step onto the elevator. "Just…give some space okay? I'm fine. Really." The doors closed and Misato was left in the hallway.

'Well,' Misato said to herself. 'Something happened to you in there, Shinji. If you don't want to talk about it…' "I've still got to report to the Commander and the Committee." And with that she turned to go face the tribunal.

But, Shinji was feeling far from okay. He knew this. But he didn't want to show it in public. So he went someplace where he could be alone. He thought about everything he saw while trapped inside the angel. He thought about what the angel's projection said to him. He also wondered 'why' it did that.

He also wondered about the fragment of the eleventh angel that had hitched a ride on him. Did that make him part angel now? Was he now an angel 'sleeper agent' waiting to wake up and cause massive destruction? This wasn't the first time Shinji had wondered about whether he would 'explode' like that. When he's either pushed, or pushes himself, far enough he can do some incredible things. At times…he wondered if he was actually human.

XXXXX

"Shinji's not here Wondergirl!" Asuka snapped at the blue haired girl as she stood outside the apartment. "I don't know where he is nor do I care. Try checking the sanitarium." And with that she closed the door in Rei's face. She then turned and proceeded to look for Shinji. She found him the first place she looked. They had come to this park a few days ago and she knew that he would be here to think by himself.

He was sitting on a bench watching some ducks in the small pond. He had a few slices of bread that he would occasionally toss their way. He was slouching on the bench and Rei could tell that his focus was not on the waterfowls. "Shinji," Rei said stepping up next to the bench.

"I kind of figured you'd find me here," Shinji said evenly without looking up. Rei then sat down next to him and looked out at the ducks. Two ducks reached for a single piece of bread and fought over it before it broke in two. "What's happening to me, Rei?"

"What do you mean?" He then told her the Cliff-Notes version about his involvement in the war: the initial invasion, Kyle's death, fighting alongside the SEAL team and Operation Gadsden.

"Two years ago, I was a chronically nervous, timid emo of a pip squeak. But, after…after having my best friend die in my arms…I…I changed. I became angry at the world and I vented that anger by killing as many Russian soldiers as I could. And I was good at it, too."

"I never knew you were involved," Rei said. Shinji looked over at her, mildly surprised.

"Yeah, Misato never told you that?" She shook her head. 'And no one else at school talks to her.' "Asuka probably doesn't know either. She wouldn't care about my past anyways. Well, I don't exactly like to talk about it either. Part of me just wants to forget it and move on but…But then I'd be disgracing Kyle's memory. He was like a big brother to me. Taught me how to hunt, introduced me to martial arts, a lot of things. He taught me to never let my fear control me. But it took a Baptism of Fire in the form a full blown military invasion, and his subsequent death for the lesson to stick. And, like I said, I became good at it." He sighed heavily. "Ernest Hemingway once said: 'there is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and like it, never really care for anything else thereafter.' Maybe that's what really happened to me."

"What does this have to do with why you are out here?"

"When I was down there I…" He hesitated. "I dreamed."

"You dream all the time."

"This was…different. This time I think the angel was involved. It…I don't know if it was the angel or not. And if it was I don't know if it was trying to talk to me or not."

"Why would an angel want to talk with you?"

"Damned if I know," Shinji shrugged. "It acted like a Hannibal Lector type of shrink. It showed me memories of the war and fighting the angels. It even showed me my first fight with an angel and how it was beaten."

"I thought you didn't remember that."

"I don't. But…the things it showed me…" He sighed. "It called me a monster; said, not so much in words, that I enjoyed violence."

"And that's why you are out here? Because you're afraid that it's true?" He nodded. "Then by doing so aren't you insulting Kyle's memory." He looked up at her, about to snap at her but he stopped and pondered on what she was saying. "You are hiding from your fear that you are a monster." He looked down at his feet. "But you are not." He glanced over at her. "Time and again you have risked your life for others. Myself, Katsuragi, Suzuhara, Aida, even Soryu. And when Suzuhara accosted you, you didn't want to fight. And when you did fight back you restrained yourself from using excessive force." She then placed her hand on his shoulder. An act of tenderness, and physical contact that was not within her normal behavior pattern. "That does not sound like the actions of a monster that enjoys violence."

Shinji took a deep breath and let out a small chuckle. "Ah, Rei," he smiled. "Leave it to the quietest person I know to set me straight." He chuckled again. "You're right. Kyle would be angry at me if he saw me sulking like this." He straightened his back. "I'm still creeped out by what happened but I won't let that stop me." And with that he stood up. "I can't." He then noticed the bag of bread was gone and the flock of ducks was fighting over the slices in an epic battle royale. "Look at those greedy little bastards," Shinji said with a disappointed look on his face. "They're worse than Pen-Pen. C'mon," he said helping Rei to her feet. "Let's go home." Neither noticed that they held hands the whole way back.

When Shinji returned to the apartment Misato was just starting to dial Section 2 to put out a search. "Oh, Shinji," Misato said as he hung up his jacket. "I was getting worried."

"Don't be," Shinji smiled. "Like I said…I'm fine. I'm actually feeling a little better now though."

"Do you want to talk?"

"Not really," Shinji said grabbing an orange soda from the fridge. "Like I said. It was mostly weird dreams." He at least appeared to be back to normal.

XXXXX

The next day the pilots had a harmonics test. "That's it?" Ritsuko asked.

"He's right on the edge of the contamination zone," Maya replied. "Any deeper and we risk causing him psychic injury."

"I was afraid of this."

"What is it?" Misato asked from the side. "You two are killing me with the suspense."

"Shinji's scores have dropped by fourteen points since the last test," the Dr. Ritsuko Akagi explained.

"I guess he's still a little shaken up from that last angel," Misato said. "I can't imagine that it was any way pleasant for him in there all alone like that."

"But he still hasn't given us a full debrief."

"Shinji's not the type to just open up with those kinds of things, Rits," she then looked over at the scientist. "And I doubt you'd have any luck trying to pry it out of him; especially since you were so willing to sacrifice his life like that."

"Are you still upset about…" Misato's chuckle interrupted her.

"Heh, 'upset'? Ritsuko, I'm not 'upset' with you. I'm pissed." And with that she marched out of the control room.

"Alright," Ritsuko said turning to the intercom to the plugs. "You three can exit now."

As Misato was walking out of the test facility she spotted Kaji sitting on a bench overlooking the lake in the Geo-Front. "No, nothing serious…" he was on a phone. "He doesn't appear to be suffering any mental trauma or contamination…That's right…No, that won't be necessary. He's still functional…I understand…I recommend proceeding…Yes, sir." He then hung up. "Hey there, beautiful," he said looking up at Misato.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Oh, just some girl in Sendai," Kaji shrugged.

"Yeah, bull shit," Misato said sitting down. "It was someone you 'work' for wasn't it?"

"Don't get so gruff, Katsuragi," Kaji said leaning back coolly. "She's actually a relative of mine so you don't need to get jealous."

"Stop playing games, Kaji," Misato snapped. "You were talking about Shinji weren't you?"

"This last incident has raised quite a few eyebrows, and not just here at NERV," Kaji explained. "The UN has taken notice, as have the governments of America, Russia, China and a few others. The SEELE Council has too."

"What's SEELE so worried about?" Misato asked as she folded her arms. "They virtually picked my bones apart yesterday trying to get 'answers'. But, they didn't seem to be worried about Shinji. At least, not directly; instead they were asking if it seemed the angel had tried to communicate with Shinji. And they seemed worried about something happening too soon for that. It didn't make any sense."

"Little does with SEELE," Kaji said leaning closer to the point where it looked like he was about to kiss her. "This isn't the first time my group has butted heads with them. They're shady, slick and dangerous. We've never figured what their game is and everything here at NERV doesn't seem to play into anything else they've been involved with either."

"This sounds like something out of a bad conspiracy movie," Misato said leaning closer, the two of them playing the role of 'star crossed lovers' in case anyone was watching them.

"You have no idea how 'bad' it can get," Kaji replied, stroking her cheek.

XXXXX

John Price, recently promoted to Major, hung up his phone. He didn't understand half of this high end science shit but he understood black operations and their associated cluster fucks. "The situation is getting hotter, sir," Price said to Colonel Marshall. "And with the last two reports…"

"I agree," Marshall nodded. "Tokyo-3 is looking to be the basket where SEELE's putting all their eggs."

"Right. I recommend we pre-deploy Trident element to Atsugi and put Razor and Hunter elements on stand-by."

"I agree. I brief the President in a couple hours. I'm going to recommend that we notify 7th Fleet and have them start working up contingency plans. I'll also recommend that the 15th and 31st MEU's be place on stand-by alert. We may even need the 3rd Fleet to speed up the reactivation of the Missouri and Iowa. The Navy just finished up the test trials for their new SEA-EXCALIBER guided rounds for the big sixteen guns."

"Is all that firepower necessary, sir?" Major Price asked the 141 C.O. "A Marine Expeditionary Unit isn't exactly subtle, let alone two. And that doesn't even touch the attention a couple of battleships would draw."

"If we're right about the relationship between NERV and SEELE things will come to a head soon. And when they do, SEELE's not exactly going to be subtle." He then brought up the satellite imagery showing the build-up of airborne units in northern China. The paratrooper units were receiving double the average rate of deliveries of munitions and equipment for normal training exercises. "They only receive that much extra supply for two things: large scale exercises, none of which have been announced, or…"

"A military offensive," Price observed. "But, this kind of posturing is typical of China."

"True. But then we got this as a 'courtesy gift' from the Russians," he then brought up a report on the SSDF.

"That's a lot of training evolutions for units that are supposed to be standing down," Price noted. "And it's all focused on urban warfare."

"It gets worse. This is concerning their 'Special Mission Unit'. There's a similar report concerning their conventional forces, too," Marshall added showing a report indicating the increase in munitions manufacturing. "All this happening at once…"

"Tokyo-3 is a fortress," Price observed pulling up the schematic on all the observed weapon placements for the city. "Any force trying to assault the city will be picked clean. It was built to fight angels. And even if they get past the defenses, they still have to get inside NERV."

"True, but since when has SEELE been concerned about casualties?" On that Price was silent. "And you read the insider report…NERV's internal security is not set up to repel human invaders. And you know the SSDF-SMU's reputation. Once they're inside…"

"Yeah," Price grumbled. "No such thing as 'non-combatants' with their ROE."

"Against cold blooded motherfuckers like that, we'll need all the firepower we can get our hands on."

"You have a particular response scenario in mind, sir?"

"Only one fits the bill," Colonel Marshall thought back to his days at West Point. "Some seventy years ago General Douglas MacArthur, Admiral Chester Nimitz and other Allied leaders drafted up operations orders for a similar mission towards the end of the Second World War. The order of battle will obviously be much different in terms of manpower, weaponry and expected resistance as well. But, the basic plan should still be applicable."

"You'll have to forgive me, sir," Price rubbed the bridge of his nose. "But my history is a little rusty."

"Operation Coronet…This will be bloody."