The Spirit of Crustymas
BUM BUM BUMMMM!
* … bro, listen, i dunno how many times i gotta say it, but you really need to get over this.
WHAT EVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, SANS? HERE. EVEN MY EXPERT NARRATORIAL SKILLS CAN BARELY SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF HOW AWFUL THIS DENTIST IS, SO I DREW HIM! CHECK IT OUT.
* it was just a movie. a cheesy, low budget, b-grade flick that used claymation for the nasty bits. the final fight? all green screen.
AH, YOU MISUNDERSTAND, DEAR BROTHER. THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH SOME DEEP-SEATED PERSONAL TRAUMA YOU PRETEND I HAVE HAD SINCE CHILDHOOD.
*I like your picture, Papyrus.
THANK YOU, FRISK! DID YOU SEE THE EXTRA BLOOD I DREW AROUND HIS MOUTHPIECE? I WAS GOING FOR HYPER REALISM THERE!
"Welcome, brave adventurers!" The Dentist smiles haughtily, teeth as white and glistening as his long coat, and holds his arms out above his glorious chamber from on high. "I assume you are here to make an attempt on the candy? Excellent! It has been a long time since someone has made it past my Administrative Guardian."
Undyne steps forward. "You stole Crustymas joy away from countless children… for what?! Why do you hate Crustymas so much?"
The Dentist leans forward and glowers down at the intruders. "Oh, it isn't the holiday itself, per se. It's what it causes. In the weeks following Crustymas, dental issues increase tenfold—cavities, root canals, gingivitis, you name it … Honestly, it gets so bad, you'd think peoples' morals decayed as much as their teeth did. But by replacing all of this … junk with healthy, sugarless substitutes, I have extracted the root of the problem." He shrugs. "Doesn't it all taste the same, anyway? What's wrong with a little artificial sweetener?"
"Uh, everything?" asserts Hotdoggins. "Take it from a guy who's around food on the reg'. That stuff's gross." He turns to Undyne. "Anyway, Fluoride Face here is nuts. I'd tell you to hit him but I got no clue how to reach him."
"And I would tell you I cannot hurt an innocent person, but this sorry excuse for a Dentist is far from that. I came here to kick his butt, so that is exactly what I am going to do." Without another word, Undyne rushes the mountain of candy the Dentist is perched atop and uses her incredible strength to try and haul herself up. But parts of the pile are unstable. Like bits of gravel, some of the smaller pieces give way underneath her, dragging her down to the base. She continues to climb, claw over claw, basically swimming against a current of candy! But it is too much. She slides to the bottom, exhausted. Frisk and Hotdoggins rush to her side.
"Nice try, Gym Rat." Again, the Dentist laughs and shakes his head. "But if you think I'm going to let you or the kid or the grease stain get anywhere near this perfect smile of mine, you are horribly mistaken." He snaps a finger. An odd, scratching noise echoes around the chamber. "It's been a while since I've had some entertainment, so I'll let you in on a little secret before I thoroughly clean your teeth. Because I'm a Dentist, I can control every piece of floss in a short radius. Be it one strand or many, it does whatever I bid! Like steal candy, for example. Or…" Suddenly, all the strands of floss from the torture rooms in the hall slither and twist their into the throne room. They snap together, one after the other, and line themselves up vertically to form a razor sharp wall between our intrepid adventurers and the candy they so desperately seek. "If you can get through my flossfield," the Dentist challenges, "I promise to numb you before I bring out the drill."
Undyne cracks her knuckles. "Well, if it is a wall, it can be broken." She grasps a bundle of the floss in her powerful hands and pulls! The strands bend this way and that. Some rip free, but are replaced by floss anew! The more Undyne tries, the more pieces of floss that appear!
The Dentist mockingly calls down to her, "Did you know the average roll of floss is 200 yards long? Combine that with the hundreds of boxes of it found in a typical dental clinic, and you have a near endless supply."
Eventually, Undyne's paws drop to her side. They are red and raw with exertion. "My strength … it isn't enough."
"Don't worry. I got this."
"Hotdoggins?"
*i do a cartwheel—
NOW?!
*—but with a little help this time. gonna need two of those dice, bro: one for tori.
"Undyne, can you gimme a boost?"
"O-oh! Of course!" It takes all of her remaining strength, and both of her arms, to get a good enough grip on the Mascot's cumbersome cotton. She spins once, twice! Then, she gives a mighty heave! Phase one: Success!
But phase two? Well, if Hotdoggins couldn't land a cartwheel while on the ground, he certainly couldn't land one from mid-air! It is an absolute failure, just like his last two attempts. However! The momentum from Undyne's powerful launch puts a unique spin on things—literally! What he lacks in grace, Hotdoggins makes up for in propulsion! He has become a one-man wrecking ball rolling towards the flossfield at startling speeds!
The impact is enough to bend a section of the wall inward—but only just. Hotdoggins barely has a chance to recover when stray pieces of floss immediately set upon him. If but one can make a mouth bleed for hours, then dozens of them in a coordinated attack are a true slicing force to be reckoned with!
"Hotdoggins!" Frisk cries.
Fortunately for the greasiest of the three adventurers, his armor takes the brunt of the assault. He is unharmed. Unfortunately, he is also down to his skivvies! Oh, his poor costume, his inconvenient pride and joy, once hand-sewn from only the rarest of fabrics—it's been torn to smithereens!
There go the buns, flung to the far ends of the room.
The fake lettuce: lathed!
* wait, lettuce?
The cheese: chopped!
*hey, uh, papyrus?
The Janitor who comes in after hours will be picking sequined sesame seeds out of the carpet for weeks!
* yo, underground to papyrus.
WHAAAT.
*why does my guy sound more like a burger than a hotdog?
BECAUSE HE IS A BURGER.
* he is?
YES.
* he's been a burger this whole time.
UH, DUH?
* even though his name's hotdoggins.
HE WAS ADOPTED! IT'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR CHARACTER SHEET.
* oh.
…. YOU DIDN'T READ THE FINE PRINT LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, DID YOU?
* whoops.
OH MY GOD SANS. WELL, SURPRISE, I GUESS?
* adopted, huh? interesting…
WAIT, SANS?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
* to help save crustymas the only way hotdoggins knows how.
From within the sad shreds of his former glory, Hotdoggins stands. "Undyne," he says. "You were right."
"What do you mean?"
"When we first met, you said if I convinced myself I was cursed, it would hold me back from making progress. And you know what? That's exactly what happened. I thought, even though I'm a Hotdoggins in a family of 'burgs, I was just as cursed as they were. But not anymore. I'm done making excuses." He glares up at the impenetrable wall of tooth cleaner-y. "Hey, Fluoride Face, there's something I wanna ask you."
"What now, grease stain?"
"What's a dentist's favorite time of day?"
The Dentist draws back in his chair at the odd question. "Nine to five? It's when we enjoy the screams of the innocent. "
Hotdoggins smirks. "Nah. I was thinking more… tooth-hurty." He braces himself for the pain to come. It doesn't. He squares his shoulders, his growing confidence now doubled as his joke coaxes a chuckle from the Dentist. He then asks, "What's a musician use to brush his teeth?"
"Why, a toothbrush, I would hope."
"A tuba toothpaste!" That one catches the Dentist by surprise. He thinks the response over a second, and then it hits him. His chuckle becomes a full-blown laugh. The wall of floss wavers slightly. Hotdoggins' smile grows even more. Still, he feels no pain. He tries again! "Why did the doughnut go to the dentist? He needed a filling!"
On and on it goes. Hotdoggins fires zinger after zinger, all completely pain free. It is as if the curse … cannot reach him! Soon, the dentist is clasping at his gut, tears streaming down his face, utterly consumed with laughter! With his concentration broken he is unable to keep his flossfield standing. It wilts, piece by piece.
*Are you ready, Frisk?
*For what?
*I have an idea, but I will need your help. Papyrus, may I see two dice, please?
Undyne looks to Frisk. They give her a thumbs-up. With Hotdoggins' rapid-fire jokes returning the strength to her muscles, Undyne lifts Frisk into her arms and swings! Whoosh! The Average Student is much more airy-dynamical than a round-y Mascot. They sail through the air, far above the shrinking the flossfield.
"Now, Frisk!" Undyne shouts. "Give him a taste of his own medicine!"
They pull their treasured jawbreaker from their pocket. In this moment, they know it is all or nothing. Undyne's aim might be true—her Accuracy-ness is off the charts!—but is Frisk's? They are so very, very Average. Will that one week they didn't sit out during volleyball in gym class be enough?!
Frisk smacks right in to the distracted Dentist and drops their candy down his gaping mouth! The Dentist's laughter becomes a painful shriek. He puts up mighty struggle, thrashing this way and that! It is enough to shake the foundation of his sugary stacks. The mountain gives way! Down go Frisk and the Dentist in a cacophony of candy!
When the dust settles, the entire room is covered in a thick layer of sweets and dental floss.
"You alright, kiddo?" Undyne and Hotdoggins wade their way over and sift frantically through gumballs and rock candies alike until Undyne pulls Frisk free from the sugary depths. It takes a good pull, too, for clinging on to Frisk is none other than the Dentist. Undyne promptly wrenches Frisk away as the Dentist sits up fully.
"Unhand the child, you dental school drop-out," she cries.
Despite the harrowing fall and hurl of insults towards his pedigree, the Dentist seems no worse for wear. In fact, he's smiling! It's an honest, genuine smile—not that gross, smarmy thing he was doing earlier.
"What in the world is this?" he said, his voice muffled and spitty thanks to the jawbreaker couched in his cheek.
"It's a jawbreaker." Frisk said from within the crook of Undyne's overprotective arm. The Dentist swished the candy about.
"Not a fan of the name—but the taste! This is real sugar isn't it?"
"See?" said the underwear-ified Hotdoggins. "Much better than that artificial crap, huh?"
Undyne hugged Frisk tighter, still glaring daggers at the trio's adversary. "You had better appreciate that. It was a gift from Frisk's mother."
The Dentist's eyes widen, and he looks to the Average Student. "It's true," they say. "And it could also be true of a lot of the candy you stole. Even if its store-bought, it might be a gift for somebody else."
"But no matter where the candy came from or what kind it is," says Undyne. "There is love in it—and while I am no Dentist, I think we can forgive a few tooth problems if they are caused by that."
"Love," the Dentist mutters. "Love. It's … love?" The strands of floss strewn about the room begin to rise once more. But it is not in attack—no! Like skinny little soldiers, each one bundles itself tightly around gobs of candy and carries them out into the world, back to where they belong. Thanks to the Dentist's power, it will only take but a few short hours for every single piece to find its way home. (Not sure how he remembers where it all came from. But still! A Crustymas with mixed-up candy is better than a Crustymas with no candy at all.) The last few strands of floss then pick up the Dentist himself. He watches our adventurers for a moment, tears visible in his eyes, and then says,
"Thank you. I don't fully understand it, but I feel like I was somehow wrong about this."
"Yeah, workin' overtime'll do that," said Hotdoggins. "Go take a break."
And with that, the floss carries the Dentist away.
By the time the party leaves the lair of the former Anti-Claus, it is the dead of night—yet the village is wide awake! Crustymas music rings out from every street and alleyway. Frisk, Undyne Hotdoggins … they have not only solved the candy crises, they have also reignited the Crustymas spirit within the cold heart of a lost, tooth-obsessed soul. All across the Surface, they are hailed as heroes.
Congratulations, brave adventurers! May all your Crustymases be candy-full—and cavity-free!