Tord now got to sleep in what he remembered being Tom's room, before he apparently took over Tord's old room. He was a tad concerned over his secret lab, but otherwise didn't pay it much mind. It's not like he was planning to stay on the long term. He hadn't been planning to come back at all, honestly, but well, he was here now.

Sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the guest bedroom of the house he used to live in.

Or, well, trying to sleep at least. Thomas had brought him here after cleaning up his embarrassing breakdown over nothing and had seemingly attempted to keep watch as Tord rested, not saying a single word about the little incident thankfully. Keyword being attempted, of course, as he'd fallen asleep not long after sitting down at the edge of the mattress.

Tord would've made an unheard scathing remark on lack of discipline, except it was hard not to notice the dark rings peeking out from under his visor. He wondered in the quiet of the night when the last time Thomas had slept was. He certainly hadn't on the way back to England, although he'd seen Matthew and Paul napping in the plane.

Tord himself felt exhausted, even after his short nap previously. Plus he'd had to have his side redone after accidentally pulling the stitches during his... his panic attack.

Because that's what his little incident had been. He'd heard the tale of his own rise to power and great success and then he'd had a panic attack. He couldn't even blame the pressure of expected performance and so on, he was confident that he'd eventually achieve his goals. He'd been prepared to do absolutely anything-

Or at least he'd thought he was. But hearing about the bloody, corpse laden path he'd carved out on his way to the top as history, as fact, instead of imagined scenarios...

It put a whole new perspective to the whole thing that he wasn't terribly sure he'd ever have wanted to acknowledge.

Tord groaned miserably. His head hurt and he was overthinking things again. Needing something to distract him from his thoughts for at least a bit he decided to get a glass of water. Grabbing the crutch that Thomas had somehow magicked out of thin air, he slowly stood up, mindful of his injuries, and headed out the door.

The walk down the hallway was slow and humiliating and more of a limping hobble than anything else really. He was just glad no one else was awake to witness him making an utter fool of himself-

This train of thought halted entirely and died a swift death once he turned into the living room, where a now familiar figure currently sat on the sofa, decidedly awake. A trail of cancerous smoke drifted from both his lips and the cigarette in his hand and for just a moment Tord longed dearly for a nice cigar to take a drag of. The moment passed and he pulled himself together. He was military, no place for such decadence (and no money for it either if he wanted to have any sort of funds).

"It's a nice night out there."

The man's gruff voice snapped him away from his musings and the question slipped out of him before he could stop it.

"What are you doing?"

Paul turned his head towards him just enough that his raised eyebrow was visible, "Moon watching."

"Ah, no, I meant..." he trailed off, not really knowing why he'd asked in the first place.

Paul hummed for a moment, "You mean what am I doing here?"

"Uh, yeah."

He took another drag of his cigarette, lungs filling up with smoke and then emptying out in a long exhale. "Same as you I guess. I was broken out of prison by a couple of strangers who decided to take me along." he sent Tord a sideways glance, "Though I guess they're not quite strangers to you, hm?"

Tord swallowed dryly, his voice coming out hoarser than he'd expected. "No. They're not."

Paul nodded, as if confirming something, before he looked back out the window of the living room. There was a moment of silence between them which might not have been awkward to Paul but it sure as hell was to Tord. Finally he decided to say something-

"So I heard you're practically guaranteed success as a world class tyrant."

-and promptly choked on his own spit, prompting a coughing fit. Once it calmed down he shot Paul a wary look.

"What's it to you?"

Paul shrugged. "I'm a soldier on the run with no job, I don't really have anything better to do." And yeah, alright, that made sense, "But you don't seem too keen on the idea yourself anymore."

Tord's gaze focused entirely on the man on the sofa with laser-like intensity as a growl slipped out of his throat, "Don't presume to know what I want, Paul."

Paul returned his stare with all of the same confidence and none of the intensity, eyes half-lidded and smoke drifting lazily around his head. He was silent for a few beats before drawling out, "Would you like to sit down, maybe?"

Tord was about ready to refuse out of sheer spite, scowl darkening, but his side and leg were actually getting to be pretty achy so he reluctantly took the soldier up on his offer and sat down on the armchair so as not to come too close to him.

Paul watched him with an air of entertained bemusement, "You know how I got myself in prison?"

The subject change was jarring and Tord needed a few seconds in order to answer, "...you said desertion."

"Hmmm, yeah. To be more precise, I realized pretty late in the game that I didn't particularly agree with a lot of the government's policies, which I was bound to serve. I would've probably handed in a resignation after my time of service or something, but I just so happened to come to this realization while I was absolutely hammered." he chuckled, taking another drag from his barely there cigarette, "So instead I decided the best thing to do with that was stealing a plane, loudly declaring I was deserting, and almost crashing said plane into Command."

Tord blinked, taken aback by both the ridiculous feat and, well, "That's... great and all, but why are you telling me this?"

"Hm,well, I guess my point is that just because it something seems like a good idea at the time doesn't necessarily mean it actually is one."

The scowl returned full force, "I'm not drunk." Tord practically snarled out. "I've been working on this for years, of course I've thought it through-!"

"I'm not saying that you are, and that you haven't," Paul interjected, "That probably wasn't the best analogy to use anyway. But I am saying that since the moment you came up with this whole idea, you probably haven't considered once that it might be a bad idea. And I'm also not saying that it is." he said quickly, forestalling Tord's heated protests, "I personally believe it's admirable actually." that was his honest opinion actually, and it seemed to mollify Tord for the moment, "But the thing is, sometimes you get an idea that seems amazing, enlightening, eye-opening, so you don't get around to really looking for any cons. And the more time passes the more invested you become, the more you sacrifice for it and the less inclined you are to look for anything wrong. That's just how people work." he shrugged.

Tord gritted his teeth, "Get to the point." he demanded, and was a bit thrown off when Paul huffed out a short, amused laugh in response.

"My point," he said with grating emphasis, "is that you've been faced with the reality of your decisions, the whole outcome of your plan, and you reacted badly to it even though you felt like you should've been celebrating. So maybe try looking if there isn't something wrong with it after all, for change, instead of uselessly agonizing over your own inner struggle."

Tord clenched his fists. There were a great many words he wanted to fling in the Polish man's face, none of them fit for polite company, but something stopped him. A voice long ignored that whispered insidiously 'Maybe he's right. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe your grand purpose is nothing but a self-constructed farce. Maybe maybe maybe you're just a failure'.

He couldn't allow himself to dwell on maybe's, never had and never would. Except he was now, because this man was offering him a sound opinion that made way too much fucking sense and now he couldn't shake the seed of uncertainty that had been planted.

Had he gone wrong somewhere?

Was Red Leader really what he wanted to become?

Had the last few years been a grand waste of time?

Every great revolution came with sacrifice. He knew that. He sought to incite conflict where the rest of the world strove for a delicate, unbalanced farce of peace. He wanted change, and for that some things had to topple over and would inevitably smash something or someone else in the process. That was all the natural progression of the world.

But was the suffering he'd inflict upon the world worth the war he wanted to wage?

He'd always thought 'yes', it had been his steadfast belief that the world as it was now didn't deserve his mercy.

Except apparently he couldn't stomach his own ruthlessness.

And maybe, just maybe, that might be a sign that something was off.

Ugh, it was too late (early?) for these kinds of thoughts, he was exhausted and had way too much to think about. He glance warily at Paul, who was eyeing the stump of his cig with a despondent air.

"You weren't nearly this chatty in prison." he remarked, startling a rough laugh out of Paul.

"Prison isn't really the best place for three a.m. philosophical discussions while moon watching. I promise I'll be much quieter come morning." he hummed, "There's something about this time of the night, I guess."

Well, Tord couldn't really deny that. There was something alright about this time, undefinable yet undeniable. It opened you up and made you vulnerable and transparent and Tord hated it with a passion.

Because when he was transparent he could see through his own bullshit.

AN;

holy shit this chapter fought me tooth and nail. and yeah paul, youre being awfully, uncharacteristically chatty. damn you. not proofread because i seriously do not feel like it, this is hot stuff, fresh out the oven, have fun with that. i need to get tord to speak up more ugh... also his character arc is progressing mcuh faster than id planned UGH

last time ill be posting the link to the poll on this fic's title, if you still want to participate
/forms/AQnvRFTnQrty2zi52

lastly i wanted to get this out today because i wont be around to write until sunday. yagirl's going to a con, whoo! (going to a weeb con as taako prob isnt the smartest cosplay decision ive ever made but meh, im a wizard and im absolutely fabulous). ill probably still reply to any coments (BECAUSE IM ALWAYS STARVED FOR COMMENTS) just with a bit of a delay, but dont expect another chapter until monday at the absolute earliest

please leave a comment for me to grin at like a maniac through the weekend on your way out!
and talk to me on tumblr! i am also starved for human interaction but without like, human faces. arent screens great?