You can hate me Chapter 8 The Monster's secret soul, a vampire diaries fanfic

Letting out a big sigh, Bonnie packed the cupcakes that she made in a plastic box. It was a nice gesture from Elena and Stefan to invite her over for dinner but there is one big disturbing thing in the Salvatore house: Damon. She clearly stated that she didn't want to see not hear from him the night before so showing up to his home leaves you with questions...

What Stefan said in the morning…. that was scary… that was sick. How could she forget what Damon did to her? The breakfast was a nice gesture but it was very little. Too little too late. Maybe he saved her life but that's far from enough. If she still had her powers, Damon would be at her door ready to put them to good use without a second thought. He's just like the others…

Bonnie sighed again and looked into the mirror. She saw a young woman with an older lady's look of despair in her eyes. "Look what you did to me." She laughed bitterly. She missed her dad as well as Grams. They were the only ones whom she could count on no matter what. They never used her. They never asked anything from her. Especially when they knew that she might get hurt. She lost everyone who was important to her and why? Simply because of two brothers who happen to be vampires that had an obsession with my best friend's look alike bitch and now have switched those feelings towards my best friend herself. Someone who used to be her best friend but she dropped her because of some guy and who doesn't give a shit about anybody else except herself because she thinks she is the only one who has big problems.

Now she's all alone in the middle of this whole vampire crap. They only used her like a problem solver machine. And now they are trying to play the good friends with the party by creating this friendly dinner. Shit.

"Screw all of you!" Bonnie said as she hit the mirror with immense anger. The mirror shattered; one shard cut her palm deeply but she didn't feel the pain. Her pain was bigger than that cut which crossed her soft skin. Her pain was deeper than this. She watched the blood as it slowly trickled down on her forearm like a tiny river and dropped onto the floor silently. She watched the cut and she felt relieved. Like that wound also opened something inside her. She also felt ashamed but she had to say those things to blow off the steam she was building inside her. She can't walk around with a blindfold anymore. She is not an object.

She went back to the kitchen and took out the first aid kit to tie her scar then proceeded to grab the box with the cupcakes and head towards the front door.

No matter what she feels, they are her friends and she needs them. She's alone so she needs someone. After all they've been through together; she has to give them another chance to redeem themselves. And if they start to act like they own her again, she will have a scar to remember. She won't step into that trap again. Never again.

oooOOooo

"Hmm, it smells good. I'm sure Bonnie will love it." Elena watched her boyfriend and stepped behind him with a playful smile on her thin lips. Seconds later, Stefan felt those lips on the pale skin of his neck.

"I should cook more often." Stefan faced with Elena to kiss her softly.

"Yes, you should. You're so sexy in an apron." Elena runs her hand over Stefan's chest; her tongue softly danced with his.

"Why thank you. How about I take it off?" Stefan murmured against her lips. Elena smiled and untied the binding around his neck. "That would be sexier."

"Sorry, I knocked." Bonnie cleared her throat so that the birdies could scatter.

"Oh…hi…Bonnie."

Bonnie put on a faint smile and held the blue plastic box awkwardly. "I made some cupcakes." she said and opened the box to prove her assertion.

"That's my favorite! Thank you Bonnie."

"Yeah, I know. That's… Grams' recipe." Bonnie handed the box to her friend. Elena smiled at her sadly and took it.

"Thank you. What happened to your hand?" Elena didn't even notice the bandage until Stefan drew attention to it.

"Nothing serious. I didn't find a plaster; it's not that bad as it looks." Bonnie cleared her throat, she never felt that awkward around her friends before.

"But what did you do?" Elena gave the box to Stefan and held Bonnie's wounded palm to take a closer look at the bandage.

"I was clumsy. I dropped a glass and it cut my palm. That's it. Not a big deal." Bonnie pulled out her hand from Elena's hold. Elena didn't notice again that she avoided her gaze but the other pair of eyes in the room seemed to have caught on.

"Do you want some of my blood?"

"It's just a cut Stefan, not a deadly wound. I'm fine. Can we eat already?" Bonnie finished the conversation and grabbed the plates from the counter. Stefan nodded his head but looked after her worriedly as she left the kitchen.

"Was everything alright with her last night?" Elena raised an eyebrow when Stefan whispered to her.

"What do you mean?" Then her eyes widened when she understood. "Do you think she hurt herself?"

Stefan shook his head; he looked puzzled. "I don't know, but we have to take care of her."

"Of course!" Elena said like it would be obvious. "That's Damon's fault." she murmured and placed the cupcakes onto a plate. Stefan's hand stopped in the air with the glasses and looked at Elena like she was a stranger.

"No, that's not it. Not just his…" with that he also left the kitchen leaving a very confused Elena behind.

Bonnie sat by the table opposite the couple as she ate the delicious food. They were talking but she didn't care, she didn't hear what they said. She put on a friendly smile and nodded her head from time to time; she said words that didn't mean anything like 'yes, I know, yeah, good, me too' but all she wanted to do is go home and be done with the facade.

"Sorry guys but I have to go out." Elena and Stefan nodded; Bonnie stood up and headed toward the bathroom upstairs.

She wished Damon wouldn't be present but despite this, she walked towards the bathroom that was nearest to his room. When she passed by his door, she noticed the door wasn't completely closed. Weird. Against her will, she stepped back and softly pushed the door a little.

"Oh my God, Damon…" she breathed into the empty room. What she saw dried her throat up. She stepped in the room and looked around. There were many books all around the room. She could easily tell that every book was a spell book. On the nightstand and the bed, there were maps and papers with some writings on them. Bonnie lifted one of them and read it.

'You cannot bring back any power without some kind of balance…' said the notes scribbled by Damon's messy handwriting. What was most noticeable in the note was a word with big letters and red circles around it. That special word happened to be mother.

Bonnie had no idea what Damon was up to but she had a bad feeling about it. Damon always made bad decisions although it seems like this time, he made them for her.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps. She quickly dropped the paper and left the room, trying to close the door as carefully as she could. In the middle of the corridor, she ran into Stefan. By now, the HD(high-definition) worried expression on his face was started to get old.

"Are you alright?"

"Stefan, you don't need to babysit me. I'm a big girl; I can use the bathroom by myself." she said tiredly.

"I know I'm sorry. I'm just worried for you."

"You don't have to. I'm fine." 'Damon was right. She's really strong.' Stefan thought to himself as he looked into Bonnie's definite green eyes.

"This has nothing to do with anything but where's Damon? I thought he would be here to ruin the night." Bonnie changed the topic to something that piqued her interest.

Stefan shook his head. "I don't know. He was here in the afternoon but you know Damon doesn't really share his plans with me."

Bonnie smiled a little despite the fact that she felt anything but happy. It would be best if she just forgot what she found out and let Damon be. She can't be the one to solve his problems. He's a century old man who can live his life however he wants to live it. Even if she got her powers back, he doesn't deserve her help but thanks to him, she is sans powers.

"Well, we don't mind, do we? Let's go enjoy our time without him."

oooOOooo

The days passed and there was no sign of Damon. He wrote a message to Stefan after he called him a hundredth time to notify him that he was fine and he was attending to some business. They were already used to Damon's trips so no one really worried for him when he was away.

In the fifth Damonless day, Bonnie crossed her tress hold and closed the door with a bitter feeling. She didn't want to admit it but she missed something from the tress hold. She missed it for five days now.

She had given it a lot of thought and she decided to take a closer look at those books because she decided that it was her business as well. Damon can't play the king and do whatever he wants.

She took her jacket and headed for the boarding house. Elena opened the door and looked at her surprised.

"Is everything okay?" Bonnie rolled her eyes but forced a smile.

"Yeah, I think I left my necklace here from the last time I came for supper. Can I look around for it? It's really important to me."

Elena chewed her lips awkwardly and tried to say something. "Well Stefan and I were about to leave… can you come back later?"

Bonnie suppressed her wide grin, she had already known about the date. That was her genius plan. What surprised her was the lack of guilt because she's keeping secrets and lying to her best friend.

She put on a sad face and looked at the brunette desperately. "My dad gave me that necklace; I have to find it, Elena. Please! Give me your keys and I will lock the door. Please."

Elena's eyes softened, she looked at Bonnie like she was a little homeless cat and nodded her head with a sigh. "Okay, sure."

"Thank you, Elena!" Bonnie thanked and hugged her friend.

When Bonnie stepped into Damon's room, she locked the door immediately. She didn't know why she did that but she felt safe in his room. There was something icy in the air just like Damon. Bonnie could almost feel his presence. She smelt the whiskey and the leather of his jacket.

She sighed and started to pick the books up and put them down on the huge bed. She didn't have much time but she had a lot of things to do. Shortly, every book moved onto the bed from the floor. Bonnie watched the bed for a few minutes before she sat on it. She couldn't help but make a few hops on Damon's bed to adjust herself but she still felt weird sitting on the very luxurious piece of furniture.

She opened the first book and started to read the underlined sentences. She took a look over the other books and saw the numerous words highlighted in bright yellow. Damon really worked hard on this but why? His guilt couldn't be that big! What if he really wants to help? Or is he only doing this because he needs a powerful witch since it's hard to find a new one who will willingly cooperate with him…

Bonnie closed her eyes for that thought and took a few deep breaths. "I need a pen and some paper." she said to herself and pulled out the drawer. She didn't think that she was breaking into Damon's privacy with that gesture because it's not like he even cares about such things like privacy…

Bonnie's hand bumped into something hard. She pulled it out and looked at it with a puzzled look because it was a…

"…a diary?"

Her mind knew that she should put it back and forget about it because that was a whole other level of privacy but before she could think twice about her decision, she had already opened the little leather covered book.

She didn't want to read it word by word, she just wanted to take a look at it. She leaned back and turned the pages indifferently. As expected, there was a lot he had to write about Katherine; she rolled her eyes and turned the numerous pages on her quite rapidly. Suddenly her eyes caught up a name and her heart leaped painfully. It's not like she didn't except it but still… Elena's name looked at her defiantly and …perfectly.

She wasn't jealous. Damon didn't care about her and the feeling was mutual but why Elena? Why does everyone want her? Why is she so damn perfect? Was it just something about her that was repulsive? Does she appear to be less pretty, less beautiful? Why was it always Elena? What's wrong with her? She didn't deserve a boyfriend who loves her more than anything in the world? Hell yeah she does but that wasn't in her life's current agenda!

She pushed the book onto the mattress and stood up vehemently. There's always going to be the precious Elena. You can do whatever you want; you can't get competitive with Elena.

Bonnie's thoughts started smoking on her head as she paged the books but she didn't see the words anymore. She was starting to get angry. She wanted a boyfriend. She needs a boyfriend. She wants dates and dinners and dances. She wants someone who she can hug and kiss endlessly. But that's just a dream because everyone she's loved was never safe or too far away from trouble. It seems like Elena seems to get the best privileges because everyone takes care of her safety.

She threw down a book and turned to leave the room but she halted. She saw something…she turned and looked at the diary laid like before but it was open somewhere else. It was open and there was an unmistakable Bonnie in it.

She lifted up the diary with shaking hand and started to read.

My father was right. I'm a monster. I'm a monster and no one can help me.

I don't know how I was even able to do such thing. I deserve to die; I deserve to suffer even more.

Seeing her every day and knowing that I was the one who caused her misery.

I took everything from her; I used her like a puppet. How couldn't I realize what I was doing before?

She did everything to help us but we never appreciated her.

When I held her in my arms, I felt something. Finally, I felt something but I can't tell her.

Why is it so hard? She didn't deserve all the pain I've caused her since I entered her life. I ruined her normal life and I didn't care.

Now, it's time to care for her. I will give back her life no matter what. I know she hates me but I will help her.

I was terrified that night when I thought I was going to lose her. It was then that I realized that I didn't hate her. I think I never did.

She is one of the strongest women whom I've ever had the chance of meeting with or without her powers.

I will never use her again and I won't let anyone else use her. She has suffered enough because of us and she deserves to have her life back.

Why is it so hard to talk when it's so easy to write? Why can't I just tell her that I'm sorry?

I'm sorry, Bonnie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…

Bonnie slammed the book before she read anything else and rushed out from the room, from the house. She drove at home at a crazy speed due to what she had just read that she didn't notice the diary still being held with her wounded hand.

That was a mistake. She never had to see this. Damon has no feelings. Damon can't feel like this, he can't say those things, he can't care for her.

She decided she was gonna forget what she saw. She made some tea and tried to calm herself with the warm liquid. She tried to empty her mind as much as she could hard but nothing seemed to work.

She couldn't sleep either cause every time she closed her eyes; she saw the I'm sorrys that covered a full page in Damon's diary. He's lying. Everything that she read was a lie. But why would he lie in his own diary? Bonnie had had enough of her own conspiracy theories; she sat up and took her phone. She searched the number then pushed the call bottom.

Her intrepidity disappeared as soon as she heard the first ring. She quickly hung up the phone before it could be noticed on the other side. She sighed and bent down her head onto her knees. What a stupid idea. She calls Damon and what? What would she say to him?

Suddenly her phone vibrated, her heart skipped a beat and she lifted up her phone with shaky hand. She got a message. It was an address…

Thanks for the reviews and everything I'm so grateful! I hope you like this chapter as well. :) Please tell me what would you like to see in the next chapter and what do you think of this chapter. ;D

Thank you randomlittleme to help me again! I was listening The One X album by Three Days Grace while I wrote. Another fantastic band with an awesome album!