Uraraka wonders if she could've changed anything at all
Bakugou doesn't come by the next day.
She understands.
She really does because at least one of them needs to stay healthy. Well, as healthy as Bakugou can be, all things considered.
Her coughs are getting progressively worse, and she wouldn't wish illness on top of what he already has.
She tells herself it's okay. But she's torn.
Waffling between wallowing in regret and psyching herself up to take action.
Even more, she hadn't thought of Deku once for the entire weekend. Which, is a milestone she should be celebrating. Instead, she's analyzing why.
Except, there's plenty of little reasons why and they all start or end with Bakugou.
The excitement she feels bantering and competing with him.
The contentment she feels in their companionable silence.
The way he seems to be in sync with her thoughts and needs, on and off the field.
The softness he sometimes shows that catches her and others off guard.
The confidence he has in her abilities.
The fierceness with which he fights her.
And so many things in between that she was only just putting words to.
And it took hearing that he's in love with someone else to make her realize it.
How...stupid, she thinks, sitting up in bed.
And it hurts. Again. So much worse than before that she's been nursing a hell of an ache in her chest. This must be what true heartache is. At this point, it's like she's being punished. What cosmic continuum did another Uraraka Ochako botch up to make her deserve this?
She's in love with Bakugou Katsuki.
And he's in love with someone else.
Perfect.
She sighs deeply, out of exasperation and a sudden craving for more air, like she's just run up many flights of stairs.
Without warning, she gags.
"Hng…" she heaves, struggling to pull in air.
The sensation isn't coming from her stomach, it's decidedly in her throat and chest, where she realizes it's been building all day. It feels like something's blocking her airway, and she can't breathe!
Utter panic drives her out of bed and across the room to the wastebasket beside her desk where she hacks violently, repeatedly, into the bin.
Eyes closed with her strain, the obstruction, or obstructions, finally crawls up her throat, and into her mouth.
Something warm splashes across her lips.
When she finally takes a clear breath, she smells iron.
It's over in a moment, but her back and chest throb painfully as she sucks in air, happy to have it fill her easily once again.
Opening her eyes stops her cold.
Blood.
Fresh blood and the smallest pile of closed buds lay atop the dried remnants of what Bakugou left behind.
"Ha!" She lets out in fright before clapping her hands over her mouth. Her heart is racing, but she feels absolutely numb.
"No...I….I…" she pants, grasping her shirt over her chest. "I can't. I can't." She says to no one in particular, realizing she's floating against the ceiling of her room.
She releases herself, already trying to reach her nightstand, and lands in a scrambling mess in an attempt to find her phone.
Keep it together. You're a hero. It's your job to keep it together, she thinks as she slows down.
She finds it amongst a pile of tissues, and hesitates, just for a moment, before searching through her contacts and pressing dial.
The tone passes for what feels like an eternity.
"Hello? Uraraka?"
"Hey!" She says too fast and cheerily. "Uh, Deku, yes, hi! You have a minute?"
"Uhh…yeh, of course, always for you." He affirms. It's so nonchalant she frowns, almost forgetting what she's called for, but then reminds herself that she's grateful his care and concern extends so far to so many people. "What's going on? You sound...upset."
"Yeh. Um, so…" she fumbles, unsure how to just come out and say it, still not believing it herself. "I…" she pauses for way too long.
"Uraraka, it's alright. I'm not sure what's going on, but...I'm here." He says, a truncated reference to their teacher's famous phrase. With anyone else, it might seem a little gimmicky, but from Deku, it meant everything.
"Right." She takes a calming breath, sensing the slight rattle deep within.
"I think...I think I'm in love."
"Oh." She swears she can hear the slight smile he surely has on his face. "That's...that's great, right?"
"They're in love with someone already."
"Oh." This one sounds suddenly uncomfortable and tense.
"They're in love with someone else, and I think I'm sick." She adds quickly, emphasizing 'sick' in a slightly higher pitch.
"Sick? Sick, like…"
"Uhuh." She cuts him off, tearing up as she says it.
"It just hit me so suddenly, the pain, and I didn't know what was going on until I couldn't breathe and it was like something was tearing its way up my throat. I couldn't….I couldn't do anything." She cries softly, all her numbness now turning into fear.
"What do I do? I don't think I can...I don't want to get in the way, of...but I'm…" she stops herself, remembering her vow to Bakugou not to let anyone know. Surely he wouldn't appreciate her revealing it to Deku of all people.
"Are you sure? I mean, people can change their minds. It's so early, there's still time if you want to…"
"They have it too. For someone else." She sucks air between her teeth as something twinges in her chest, and her body shakes with quiet sobs. She can't stop what she's feeling, but she doesn't want Deku to hear her fall apart.
"You said…" she sniffles, "...the doctor's told you it's possible to remove? You think...I should?"
A moment of silence passes, and she knows Deku's brain is busy analyzing the situation. Looking for every possible chance to reach a conclusion that doesn't hurt someone. She's stupidly daring to hope.
"Uraraka, that's a permanent change too, and they couldn't guarantee what would happen to you. Some people lose all memory of the person, many people lose their ability to love altogether. No one's ever just been okay at the end of that. I can't...I don't know what the right answer is here."
A loud gasp of a sob escapes her, into the line. There's no hiding it. But Deku won't say anything. He's too nice.
"I already...promised...I would help them." She justifies quietly, hiccuping as she tries to stop her tears. She hadn't pried into the alternatives before because she was so focused on saving Deku. Now that she knows, they don't sound much like options.
"You don't…have to." He says it in a way that sounds like he doesn't even agree with himself.
Now that she understands the stakes, Uraraka knows exactly what Deku would choose. He chose it already. He'd vowed to die if Todoroki didn't accept him. Not out of a belief that Todoroki's love was all that mattered, but because he wasn't willing to risk losing his ability to empathize and love others. It's what made him who he was. It's what made him a great hero.
And she's inclined to think she couldn't bear to lose it all either. What good is life without one of the things that gives it so much color; that makes it worth living - and saving.
"This situation is...awful. Listen, let me...talk to Todoroki, and my mom. We'll head back to school to be with you. I don't want you to be alone right now."
"No. Don't. Please. I'm trying not to panic. I just needed to hear...I guess...now I know what I'd choose. I only needed to be..sure." She sniffles, searching for a tissue. Her heart is still racing, but she feels much calmer.
"Uraraka…"
"It's okay Deku. You're right, there's still time to think about it more. I just should've realized sooner. I'm sorry I put all this on you."
"No, don't be. There's no way to predict these things. I'm glad you told me. I want...to do…" he sighs in frustration. "I hope...Kacchan's at least not making things harder for you."
"Oh, yeh, we're actually talking now. No worries there." She chuckles the practiced laugh that's been part of her mask for all these years. "I'll call you tomorrow, once I sleep on it. I just need to process so more."
"I'll be right here if you need me."
"Thanks, Deku."
She ends the call, walking over to the wastebasket, staring at the physical proof of her feelings.
She can't lie to herself or reason her way out of this anymore.
She hides the evidence, tossing scrap paper into the basket before sliding back into bed.
If she had realized sooner; had...understood what she was feeling...would it have made a difference?
Does it matter now?
It doesn't change what she learned yesterday.
It doesn't change anything about what Bakugou so obviously feels for someone else.
She'd hoped to help him. Still wants to, in fact. But had ignored how wrapped up her heart was in Bakugou. Too busy thinking things had to be a certain way to see.
And now, as terrifying as it is to...face her death, Bakugou is there too, closer even.
Helping Bakugou means he lives.
And that's all that matters.
Her fever's not gone, and her body's still throbbing with soreness, but she wants to do something; think, plan - anything, despite what it will mean for her.
It's just that, by the time she's determined that she needs to buck up and find the strength to put her feelings aside, it's dark, and she barely has any fight left in her to keep sleep at bay.