Amy
The shower poured warm water on her body, but rather than the normal relief or comfort she felt, each drop of water made her aware of the cuts, bruises and abrasions on her body. No tears escaped as she felt a numbness she had never felt before, an indifference to everything around her, even Jake. He had been great since she returned, normal thoughtful Jake, but it felt wrong or different, everything felt different.
The apartment seemed foreign to her, she knew where everything was, nothing was different, but she felt like a guest in her own home. Jake's touches of comfort alarmed her every time, she would try to offer up a weak smile, but she could see the concern and sadness on his face and in his countenance, she didn't mean or want to push him away, but she didn't know how to be close to anyone right now.
Her parents had met them at the apartment the day she was rescued, her dad cried more than her mom, they both made a fuss over her, she tried to be sensitive to their needs as they were more than worried about her, but she couldn't give them what she knew they wanted. Hugging them and crying with them, she just didn't feel it, she was free, she should be happy, she was alive, she should be grateful, but instead, she just felt confused and alone. She had fallen asleep on the couch, with Jake asleep on the floor as she told him he was hurting her lying with her like they normally did, which was only partially true.
As she lathered the shampoo in her hair, her thoughts were of Jake, he was quieter than normal and stiff around her, she knew that he more than anyone could sense her struggles and she hated it. He had been nothing but grateful and loving when he returned from witness protection and when he was released from prison, even though he had faced terrible experiences each time, especially in prison. What was wrong with her? Her ordeal had not even been two days, yet she felt like it was a lifetime ago that she had taken Jake's face in her hands and told him how much she loved him and how he was not like his father. Amy chuckled coldly at the situation, Jake had been right, not about being his father, but the Peralta luck, not even three weeks into their marriage and they were off the rails.
As she held the conditioner in her hands, the bruises and small rope burns on her wrists caught her attention again, she could only picture Swayze, his mask, his monotone yet threatening voice. Was his voice threatening? Or was it only because of what followed his words? She sighed deeply as she fought back the desire to just scream, she felt so frustrated, she didn't know how to feel or what to feel, yet she felt obliged to be grateful and happy, but she felt nothing resembling those things.
She had now idea how long she had been in the shower now, she didn't care, she supposed she should care so she didn't worry Jake too much, but leaving the shower meant dealing with life again and trying to feel comfortable in her home and with her husband which felt anything like normal right now. Thinking this made her want to scream even more, she hated that she felt any of this, she loved Jake, he was amazing, he did everything he could to help her, not to mention rescuing her and putting his career on the line to do so, but she didn't feel like Amy anymore, two days had changed how she felt about herself, about life.
Jake
Jake was one hundred percent sure that he had never sat this still in his life, but he had no energy, he had no desires other than to make his wife feel safe and happy, but what he was seeing now, since he had found her at the industrial complex, she had felt different. Why wouldn't she feel different? She had been through hell, he got that, but his insecurities as a husband were thrust to the forefront again as he doubted whether he was good enough to guide he and Amy through this.
Coming home from prison had been difficult, but not with Amy, he loved every second of it, her touch, the feel of her soft lips against his neck letting him know he was safe and loved. He had no idea what she was feeling, she was unsure what to do, unsure what she wanted, even her taking a shower had been a painful process as she had been home for a day and still didn't want to, but what now? How the hell was he supposed to be there when she didn't seem to necessarily want him there. There was no doubt she loved him, but she was uneasy, any touch put her on edge, talking alarmed her, he felt completely lost as to what to do if he couldn't touch or speak to his wife and best friend without scaring the shit out of her or making her feel uncomfortable.
Their relationship had experienced more ups than downs, but the downs had normally come from outside forces, like now, but in the past, it was the struggle of just being together, getting out of Florida or getting out of prison, not now, they were together and yet felt so far apart from one another. Jake wandered to the kitchen and started cooking, Amy loved stir fry, easy and healthy, he mindlessly got out the ingredients and cooking utensils, as the oil began to sizzle in the pan, he threw in the chicken. He wasn't even sure if she would want this, if she'd be happy with this, her ordeal had essentially been less than forty-eight, yet nothing was the same, a cloud hung over them and he doubted himself more than ever.
Amy and Jake
As she left the bathroom, the smell of Jake's stir fry permeated through the apartment, it still smelled appealing to her, but she was not even sure if she was hungry. Thoughts of why the hell would he cook without asking if she was hungry or even wanted it entered her mind and she hated herself for it, why was she feeling rage for what was a considerate act by her spouse? Yet she couldn't shake the rage she felt, the anger that was so close to the surface, ready to boil over and erupt. She braced herself and tried to smile and feel happy, but it felt forced and fragile.
"Hey Ames, there's stir fry, if you want it, I didn't know what you'd want, you didn't eat much yesterday, or the last few days." Jake couldn't make eye contact, it broke her heart to see him afraid of her, yet she could feel the anger taking over.
"I'm not hungry." Amy closed her eyes trying to keep her frustrations that weren't his fault from making her react angrily.
"No probs," he rubbed her shoulder, as she quickly pulled it away in a small quick motion his eyes betrayed his confusion and hurt, "I'll keep it for later, just let me know what you want and when, no probs."
"Problem." Amy knew she was about to start something, she could feel it, she didn't want to, in the back of her mind a calmer her was warning her and telling her to stop, but she couldn't.
"What?" Jake looked more confused now.
"It's problem, no probs, problem." Her face appeared angry and tense.
"Sorry," Jake said softly and apologetically, "no problem."
Amy took a deep breath and wished she didn't feel this way, she wished she could be like she was the day they got back from their honeymoon, but she wasn't, not even close. "You don't have to be sorry, I'm sorry, I just feel angry, I feel tense and I don't know what to do or how to act."
Jake tried to smile, "Ames, it's me, however or whatever you need, I'm there for you, I'll get it, I'll make it happen, just let me know."
Amy turned back to him in frustration, "That's the problem Jake, I don't know how to act! I don't know what I want! How in the hell am I supposed to act normal when I feel anything but normal! They hurt me Jake, they scared me, and now I feel broken, I feel broken and nothing about us or this apartment feels the same and I hate them for it and I hate myself for, and then I feel angry with you because it happened and it's stupid because it's not your fault!"
Jake sniffed, trying to hide his hurt and anguish, "Ames, it doesn't matter if it makes sense, you're allowed to feel it."
She raised both her arms up, "well thank you Jacob for the permission to feel, how would I survive without it?"
Jake bowed his head in defeat, "Amy, I'm sorry, I'm trying, I know this sucks, just please don't push me away, don't do that, I need to help you, like you've helped me."
"I don't need help Jake, I need people to leave me alone, I need to not feel like I'm terrified, I need to feel like I don't wish they had killed me, so I didn't feel like this!" An instant regret washed over her as she saw his face, she felt like two people at once and didn't like either one of them.
Jake turned his face to hide his reaction, "We need some groceries, I'll go to the store and give you some time." Jake considered just leaving, but he couldn't, he turned to face her and looked in her eyes, "I love you."
Amy felt it, she felt overwhelmed by it, she felt confused by it, she finally managed to reply in a faint but audible whisper, "I love you too."
Jake
Jake stumbled more than walked down the aisles of the grocery store, he couldn't remember what they needed, but going home wasn't an option, he was suspended from work, so he couldn't turn to the Nine-Nine and hide there, he was on his own. His cart had a few items, some soda, some candy, some dish soap, some beer, though he doubted he or Amy should be drinking in their current state. He grabbed some vegetables and wondered if he would even use them, but at least this felt a little normal, close to the normal routine he now longed for.
As he meandered through the store, his phone went off, he quickly grabbed it from his pocket and saw it was Victor, he had no idea what to expect, but nothing could be worse than what he came from.
"Hey Victor."
"Jake, how's it going?" He sounded normal.
"Well, I'm at the store, things are, well they are tense at home. I'm trying but failing."
"I talked to Amy, she seemed angry, but, how are you?"
Jake frowned, he knew the answer, yet he didn't know if he even had the right to tell someone his feelings and problems with what Amy was going through. "I'm, uh, I'm okay. I have to be, right? She's safe, she's back, I have to do what it takes."
"Jake," a small silence followed, "I can't imagine what this is like for either of you. I know she is angry, she will lash out, maybe a lot, maybe for a long time. I know you, you know I didn't like you at first, first because of how your life seemed so crazy, but then because I saw how much you loved my daughter. It was terrifying that someone could finally take my place and be the man in her life, but you've stepped up time after time, but this is different Jake, there are no right answers and a lot of wrong answers."
Jake chuckled numbly, "yeah, that's exactly how it feels. I made stir fry and got yelled at, I apologized for the grammar she was correcting and got yelled at, so then I did the cowardly thing and escaped the apartment, just like my dad, I left because it was hard."
"Jake, you are nothing like your dad, nothing. He left you to fend for yourself, he didn't care about you, you care deeply for Amy, you're just trying to make her happy and she doesn't know what that is right now, it's a terrible lose-lose situation."
"Thanks Victor, you may be the only person who knows her like this, I'm trying, but I feel so powerless and like an utter failure."
Victor laughed lightly, "Jake, you will only be a failure when you stop trying."
Amy
As she watched him leave, her dual personalities took over, one felt sorry for her actions, the other only felt rage. Amy slammed some things around the living room and then went into their bedroom, it was exactly as it had been Monday morning when Jake was searching for his badge, everything was the same but some clothes they had taken from the closet last night. His dress Vans were on the bed, he hadn't been home once when she was missing, but now he was gone, as much as the voice of rage in her head wanted to put all the blame on him, she knew she pushed him out, she knew she was pushing him away, she didn't want to, yet she felt this need to do so.
Amy plopped down on the couch, almost as an act of surrender, as she landed hard on the cushion, the house phone from the edge of the couch fell on her lap, she considered it for a second and then picked it up and dialed.
"Captain Raymond Holt." The same voice, always.
"Captain, it's Amy, Santiago, er Peralta."
"Sergeant, good to hear from you, is everything alright?"
Amy sighed, nothing was, "no sir, I'm scared, of everything, I'm mean to Jake, on purpose, I hate myself, but I really hate the men who did this to me, but there's nothing I can do, the worst one is dead and yet here I am, alone in my misery."
"Where's Peralta, I mean your husband?" She thought she might detect actual concern in his voice.
"He's at the store sir, we did need some things, but I yelled at him, for anything and everything."
"I see. Are you angry he left?"
Amy could feel tears and emotions, not just anger bubbling over, "no sir, I get it, I do, I'm mostly angry at myself and my kidnappers, but that's not helping either, so I lash at him, also not helping."
"Hmm, is there anything I can do to help you Sergeant?"
"I doubt it sir, that would require time travel."
"Sergeant, please heed my words. You are allowed to feel anger, but also feel the love around you, your husband would have traded his life for yours, he didn't care about his career or anyone or anything else when you were gone, and we wouldn't have found you without him and his slightly reckless behavior."
"I know, I know, I should feel so grateful, but instead I'm angry, and at him which is so stupid. He's been through a lot, through so much and he didn't take it out on me, not like this."
"No, but you're different people. He struggles with emotions, you do not, you struggle with being perfect, he does not, so the events, though seemingly similar, would naturally affect you both quite differently."
"I don't want to hurt him, but I think I should go to my parents for a few days, and just see how I do there."
"Do you think that will help or solve your problems?"
Amy pounded the counter with her fist, "I don't know, but it's something, it's something different and I feel like I should at least try it."
"What will you tell Jake?"
"I don't know, I'll figure it out." Tears were now cascading down her cheeks, "thank you sir, I should go."
"Any time Amy, take care of yourself."
She allowed herself a moment to cry and recompose herself, she then gathered a few items and took her bags to the kitchen where she wrote a note.
Jake, I'm sorry for the yelling, you don't deserve this, neither of us does. I'm going to my parents, not to get away from you but to spare you from a little of this, please don't be hurt, I don't know what to do or feel.
Love, Amy.