Amy and Jake

He woke up on the floor, next to the couch, Amy hadn't felt like sleeping in the bed yet and Jake insisted he didn't mind sleeping on the floor, he knew she was a long way from wanting prolonged physical contact as her body had felt betrayed by the physical and emotional abuse she had suffered, so he was pleasantly surprised when he realized they had been holding hands while sleeping.

"Morning." He jumped slightly upon hearing her voice, he thought she was still asleep.

"Hey." He smiled as best he could, they were far from being past the turmoil of everything that had happened, but this was an improvement.

Amy reached forward with her other arm and her fingers gently brushed his hair. "Thanks for being patient."

Jake nodded numbly, he had no words, there was no playbook for this, he was still terrified of his world crashing down on his head, but right now, she was here.

"Jake, don't be like this, I can't handle it if you are scared to even talk to me, I'm trying, but I need you to be normal for me, one of us has to, and I know it's not fair, you went through hell too, but I need it Jake." She pulled him forward, pressing her head to his.

"I'll try, I'm soops worried about you Ames, with what happened, I know what you'll say, but I feel so bad it happened that they took you, when I was there."

Amy sighed, "it would have happened regardless Jake, these men were professionals, failure wasn't an option for them."

"I know." Silence followed, each of them searching for words to make the situation less awkward, to make the other feel less tense, but no words came to either of them as their thoughts were wrapped up in the other. After several minutes of silence, Jake caressed her back with his hands, moving slowly, not sure of himself, not sure of what her reaction would be, but wanting to comfort her in the ways he knew how.

"Jake?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yeah Ames?" He braced himself, the past days had taught him to expect anything.

"If I had left, and not come back…" She didn't finish the question, as she spoke he closed his eyes, he knew exactly what she was hinting at.

"I don't know. I would have left New York, after a while, I would have tried to win you back, or whatever it is, but yeah, I would have eventually had to leave, everywhere I would look I would see you."

"It's not about winning me back." She poked him, the first sign of playfulness he had witnessed since everything happened.

"I know Ames, I just don't know what else to call it. I don't think they have a name for it, I could come up with one."

Amy covered his mouth with her hand, "no, please no, you're the worst at that. Remember the night you got home from prison, you kept referring to our first time that night as prison sex and freaked out a lot of people later at the Nine-Nine."

Jake laughed, he savored it, it had seemed like a lifetime since he had laughed, especially with her. "Yeah, good call. Remember when Terry's bone poked through the leg and I kept calling it a boner? HR still sends me emails reminding me not to talk about Terry's boners at work."

Amy sighed, but a much different one than she had recently, it was a sigh on contentment, she still hurt, she still felt conflict, but this, this felt nice. "I'm sorry Jake."

Jake pulled back and looked at her, "Amy, there is nothing to be sorry fer girl, sorry, but seriously, this straight up sucks. I'm just glad you're here. What made you decide to come back last night?" He knew he was taking a risk, but he felt that if they could start talking about things, they could improve more and decrease the risk for another episode.

"Gina came over, she reminded me that we're a team, you and I. I can't do this alone, and I was stupid to try, but…I was so angry, at the men who did this to me, and then at you, because it happened to me and I felt so alone, and it was stupid to be mad at you."

"Anger doesn't have to make sense, mine never does."

"No, it doesn't, but I realized that I was angry that I could never confront Swayze, that I couldn't face him without the mask and get justice or even revenge, and that scared me, I've never been a revenge person, but I wanted to make him suffer Jake, and I was pissed that I couldn't even have the chance."

Jake was silent, Amy noticed the tears beginning to pool in the corners of his eyes, she immediately followed his train of thought, "Jake, you are not to blame, at all. Let that go, please, if we're both holding on to this, we'll never make it."

"I know, I know, it's just, I'm so fucking tired of feeling like a victim, I know you were the victim here, but look at all that has happened, and I feel powerless, I just have to ride wave after wave of intense suckiness."

"I know, but at least we're riding through it together."

Jake nodded, "that's the only thing helping me keep my shit together."

The rest of the day went without incident for them, there were many awkward moments and times where they each was unsure what to do, but they were both aware of the other and Amy began to feel more comfortable in their apartment, she was still uncomfortable with many aspects of life after her ordeal, but at least being in the apartment with Jake no longer felt wrong.

As Jake nodded off on the couch late that night, Amy nudged him, Jake rubbed his eyes and grinned at her, "you want to spread out, I'll go to the floor."

Amy shook her head and lowered her eyes, "No, I want to try to sleep in the bed, I may still need some space there, but baby steps, right?"

"Bill Murray, What About Bob, nailed it."

Amy smiled, not her normal smile, but a smile that was a work in progress, it still had shades of the sadness and conflict she felt, but it was closer to her real smile than the previous tries. "I knew you'd like that reference."

They both walked slowly, Jake got into bed first, he tucked himself into the fetal position facing the wall on his side of the bed, he was surprised when Amy finally climbed in the bed and proceeded to scoot over next to him and drape her arm over him, "I know, I'm a hypocrite, but victim's choice, right?"

Jake wanted to cry and laugh, but he slowly nodded, "for sures, whatever you need."

Amy sighed, a contented sigh again, a sound Jake could listen to forever, "two days ago I could have slapped you for that, I was so angry because I didn't know what I needed and was upset others expected me to know."

"And now?" He took a chance, but she had been opening up and acting more like herself.

"Now? Now it feels like I still don't know exactly what I need, but I want to try normal things again, I was so sure nothing could go back to normal, but then as I drove home to you, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to surrender that to Swayze and his minions, that they did their harm, but they couldn't steal my normal, my life. It is still hard to not break down or think about things, but I'm trying."

"Your dad told me we only fail when we stop trying, never heard that before, but it meant a lot to me."

Amy awoke the next morning to the sound of the toilet flushing, Jake came out with a guilty look on his face, "sorry, I didn't want to wake you, but peeing the bed wasn't an option either."

Amy sleepily shook her head, "it's okay, it's almost nine, I need to get up. I want to be more active or proactive, or something."

"Ames, we have a month off, so we can do some things, but let's not go crazy."

Jake laid next to her, barely touching her, she purposely scooted into him more, increasing the contact. "C'mon Jake, I said I wanted normal, not you being scared, if I want you to back off, you'll know."

"Yes ma'am."

"Jake, there's something that's been on my mind, since I was captive, well, while I was captive, and I want to talk about it, it might be difficult and don't let your mind wander, it's not about us splitting up, I never want that."

"Okay," Jake's mind didn't know where to wander, he inhaled deeply and hoped for the best.

Amy looked at him and cupped his cheek with her hand, "as I contemplated my chances and thought of all that has happened to us, I decided or logically deduced that I don't think we should have children."

Jake said nothing, Amy had always made starting or having a family an if when they talked, but this, this was real, this had a finality to it, but this was also his wife who had been tortured because of cases he worked. He exhaled and kissed the top of her forehead, "okay, I get it. Do I need to get neutered, Bob Barker would be thrilled."

Amy's face looked sad despite the slight smile on her face, "no stupid, and they don't call it neutered for humans. I'm on the pill, that should be good enough."

Jake nodded, "okay, you're sure."

Amy shrugged, "one big decision at a time, I can decide the fate of your sperm later. You're okay with not having kids or kidz with a z as you say?"

Jake's eyes wandered around the room, as if he were escaping her scrutiny, "I mean, I wanted a family, with you, but I will never force you, and you were tortured while kidnapped, I was in prison, a bad one, hard to raise a family like that."

"Exactly. Plus, I feel like with what happened, my life has changed more than I wanted it to anyways, I don't know if I could handle more big changes."

"Gotcha. Ten-four, loud and clear."

Amy gently smacked his stomach, "spill Jake, what else are you thinking?"

"Nothing, it's sad our DNA can't mix and make a superbaby, but again, keeping you here with me, priority number one."

"You can't tell Charles, he would collapse and then die. He's wanted us to have children literally since the moment we met."

"I know. It'll be crazy hard for him, but since he has his own family and doesn't control us, he'll live. He may annoy the bejeezus out of me when he realizes we won't have kids, but I can go undercover or something to avoid him. What about your parents?"

"Huh, well…honestly, I think they'll just be happy I'm happy and happy I'm with you. They were worried I'd do something stupid and leave you."

"Really? I think Victor may like me."

"He loves you, a lot I think. I asked them what they'd do if I left you and quit the force, they were stunned but supportive, to both of us."

"Wow, your parents like me and didn't urge you to leave me, that's insane."

"Not really. I'm in danger as a cop no matter what, so having a husband who can track me down and still treats me like I'm special, that's important to them, especially my dad."

"Who wouldn't treat you special, have you seen your bod?"

Amy frowned slightly, Jake felt instant regret, "sorry Ames, but you have to know I will always think you are hot, or beautiful or whatever sounds the least douchey, they could never do anything to you that would make me change my mind."

"I know, I'm just a visitor in my body still, it feels so weird, with everything…"

"Sorry, I'll do better."

Amy grabbed his hand, "Jake, you're doing great, I wanted normal, this is normal, this is very normal."

Jake offered a weak smile, "I just gotta make sure I'm doing good enough Ames, I'm scurred, real scurred, you know me and my doubts, everything you go through, I sorta feel like it's on me, we're partners."

"Jake, think, if you're to blame for my stuff, then I'm responsible for what's happened to you, which is a lot more."

Jake fidgeted, "it's different."

"Because I'm a woman? C'mon Peralta, that's not like you."

Jake shook his head vigorously, "no, not that, it's that, well, when we got together and so much went to crap so fast, I told myself I would not let that happen, I couldn't lose you."

Amy smiled and hugged him tighter, "Jake, that's sweet, but ridiculous, we're cops, things will happen, but this, the support we give each other, that's what matters, that's what will save us, not from harm per se, but from losing each other."

"Smort." Jake smiled at her.

"Toit."