Everyone has different codes of conduct
Based on their values and experiences in life
So, don't get surprised if you get an unexpected
Treatment in spite of your pure virtues – Amol Gade
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Potions was very boring today. I think Slughorn is unimpressed by us after last week when only one of us managed to create a draught of living death, of course it was Sev. He won liquid luck, the potion was outrageously difficult, and it felt as if the book authors had no idea at all how it was actually produced. Today we were learning simple medical potions you could brew and use at home in case of an emergency.
Ava didn't sit with me today, she sat with Regulus at the back of the class. When it came time to do the pair work, I lacked a partner. I was more than capable of doing the work on my own but, Slughorn has a guilty conscious. Severus kindly sat with me, we weren't best friends by any means but, after my parent's death I found that Severus had attempted to comfort me a few times and it was the small act of kindness that made me like him. We talked when he tutored me or when we ran into each other in the library other than that he was quiet.
Other than the occasional remark it went well, except Severus kept jumping in his seat. I finally couldn't take it any longer "what is your deal Sev?" he looked at me quickly and his eyes turned dark but, he kept on working on his potion. Class was almost over when a bean hit my head, I looked at Severus to see if he tossed it at me and then back at Ava, it could have been them trying to get my attention. Severus nudged my elbow and pointed behind him where the Marauders were sitting. I saw James smile in apology Sirius was bent over laughing peter was red and Remus looked apologetic. I turned back in my seat and ignored them however, Severus had something else in mind, he took an entire vial of bean juice and walked over to their table. Knowing what was coming I grabbed my bag just in time to hear an explosion and clear the room with my stuff like everyone else. I don't know why Gryffindors and Slytherins couldn't get along, class would be so much more peaceful then.
No one still had found my locket and I'm beginning to think it's gone for good. I closed my sketchbook and laid my head back against the tree. The sun was warming my face, that's what I loved the most about Hogwarts, it was beautiful outside. Plenty of trees and the lake helped as long as you stayed in the shallow parts… besides the outside was a perfect place to unwind and think.
As I sat there my mind began to wander to my Ava. Ava has been spending a lot of time with Regulus, it was my idea but, I know Reg can be fickle at times. I just hope he doesn't hurt her, she is so kind to everyone and is always willing to tutor others. She's like a mom in a sense, she always hands out advice and will stop and help you collect your books if you've dropped them.
I leaned back again and looked at the clouds, my peace of mind was interrupted when I heard people laughing and what sounded like a fight.
I wasn't the type to go and watch a fight that was stupid to me, I picked up my bag ready to go study when something in the air caught my attention. I dropped my bag and walked over to the crowd "stop" you could barely hear me, I felt like I might get sick "stop, stop it." I began to run "Stop!" Severus was dangling in the air and his body was twisting around. James had his wand pointed at Severus and everyone was laughing. I was choking on sobs, I couldn't breathe but, still I desperately pushed through the crowd. "stop! Stop it!" I had pushed Sirius and was pulling on James's robes like a child, tears were pouring down my face and my vision was so blurred. James hadn't looked at me, he asked the crowd who wanted to see Severus with his pants down. I felt like I might get sick, I was sobbing "please stop" and the crowd quieted almost realizing I was not okay.
A strong voice had cut through the crowd's voices "James that is enough!" James turned and looked in the direction of the voice, Remus's face was stone, this sobered James and he dropped Severus. James looked at me as if only realizing I was there, I felt so angry and I couldn't my throat closed on itself. "why would you do that?" realization dawned on him and he moved forward. I stepped back and ran into someone, I looked at everyone they were staring at me and I was bawling. I pushed my way through the crowd, I stumbled but kept running. I hated for anyone to see me cry and I wouldn't be pitied, my family wouldn't want me to be the poor little orphan pitied by everyone.
I was running out of breath and my lungs were on fire, I had to stop two times because I felt like I might throw up. And then I did, I was crying so much I emptied my stomach on the grass, I couldn't stop crying. I crawled to the edge of the forest and rubbed furiously at my eyes. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried, I cried every tear I ever held back, every shred of guilt, uselessness, anger, and hate. I hated the people who did that to my parents, I hated everyone who still had their parents, and I hated the fact I have no one left. I was alone, and I had no one to go home to, no one to care if I get an E in school, no one. The sun had gone down, it must have been an hour it was getting cold but, I wasn't done. My heart hurt, and I didn't want to see anyone they'd all know, rumors spread like madness. I didn't want sympathy and I didn't want to cry in front of anyone.
I pulled my knees to my chest and cried more, it felt so good to cry. My shoulders got heavier as I felt something put over them and then I felt someone sit next to me in the grass next to me.
Remus, he didn't say anything as he nestled next to me. I wasn't long before he broke the silence "do you want to talk about them?" he looked at me evenly, and calmly. No one really asked me that, everyone normally acted like it never happened, and he's acknowledging they did happen. I didn't know how to feel opening up to an almost stranger but, Remus was kind much like Ava and I knew he had something in his past too.
Perhaps that's why I chose to trust him. "My moms name was Alana and my father's name was Simon and they were the most wonderful people I ever met." I don't know how long Remus let me talk but, once I started talking, I told him about our Christmas traditions and every new years we'd cast fireworks all in the backyard. I told him about getting my wand and how my mom and dad taught me how to ride a broom and how excited I was when I found out I'd have a baby brother. I told him how my mother had taught me to cast a patronus and how much they loved me.
"you know Remus, I have no family left an aunt but, she only wants the money. She doesn't care about me truly, and she would actually be happier if I did die. My parent's land, money whatever else there is it would all be hers. What I'm getting at is when school is over, when I turn eighteen and I've left Hogwarts behind I will go home to my parent's house, their money, and their land but, that's nothing without them. Hogwarts will forget me my friends eventually will too, what's the point of living if no one remembers you?"
Remus had listened to me but, hadn't said anything to me yet. I was beginning to think I hadn't said any of those things out loud and maybe I had imagined it. He had his head up towards the moon and he was staring at it so intently as if it might answer to him. He spoke "often when things go wrong, we question our sense of self and our reason for being here. I often feel like my entire life has gone wrong and though I may not have lost as you have, I have still lost. There are many things I can never have and because of that I wonder what is the purpose of me being here if I cannot have such things? We may want certain things for ourselves in life and we may never get them but, we may still get everything we need."
His eyes had reached mine and though I can't explain it but, I felt a jerk inside my chest. It felt as though the paper airplanes we turned into hummingbirds were trying to escape my chest.
At some point we had found our way back to the entrance to Hogwarts, despite how much time I felt had passed it was only an hour before dinner which means I'd have to face everyone. I began to wall my emotions away and bring my strong face out. Remus had steered me in the opposite direction of the Great Hall though and instead led me to some corridor I didn't quite recognize. He walked us to a painting of a bowl of fruit, he then reached his hand out and tickled the pear in the bowl, it laughed and turned into a door knob. He twisted the knob and it swung open to reveal the largest kitchen I've ever seen. House elves were everywhere too! there was hundreds all walking around, I felt Remus put his hand in the small of my back and I walked forward.
Elves were everywhere preparing the food for dinner. I turned to tell Remus perhaps we should go when a house elf approached us.
"Mr. Lupin and mistress Dietrich." He bent his head as if we were regarding adults of a house. He addressed me how the house elves at home would regard my mother. He gestured for us to follow him to a table with only two chairs. Remus pulled mine out for me and I whispered a thanks in response. The house elf left us with a promise to return.
I turned to Remus who blushed slightly in response. "so, this is what you guys do at night?" he stared at the table and looked everywhere but at me. "yeah, you could say this is what we do…" Remus was quiet and almost bashful, I believed him to be the mature and smart one of the group. I knew James and Sirius were intelligent but, Remus was book smart. Remus wasn't only book smart though, he was mature for his age. I don't know what happened to him but, I know something happened to him that made him have to grow up. I can recognize it and earlier he had said he lost the ability to have certain things, what could he have lost? What could poor Remus possibly never have?
The house elf had returned with our favorites? He brought me a French dip sandwich with fries and a glass of sparkling apple cider. He brought Remus a steak that was very underdone with mashed potatoes. I knew we were enjoying our meal but, I couldn't help but ask him. "Remus?" he put his fork down and wiped his mouth, "yes Emery?" I don't know why but I was nervous to ask. "Remus, can I have a drink of your pumpkin juice?" he smiled kindly and nudged his goblet in my direction "I won't pressure you to ask your real question, I will tell you I would never judge you and if you find the question too personal I will let you know I am uncomfortable to answer."
I smiled at him, he wasn't complicated, and he knew people. "I think it's not my place but, I will say thank you for showing me such kindness I schätzen- I mean I appreciate it." His eyes had turned darker and he blushed slightly. Clearing his throat "I wanted to Emery."
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