"Ladies and gentlemen we're here in downtown Tomobiki, ready for to start this legendary race that will determine the fate of the world!" An announcer said. Hundreds of people packed the sidewalks surrounding the strip of road where the game of tag would take place.
"First up, the challenger: Harem King, Ataru Moroboshi!" The announcer said.
"What!?" Shinobu shrieked. Ataru, wearing a tank top and running shorts, was naturally being followed by Shinobu and Belldandy, with Skuld a bit further behind. "Why are they calling you that!?"
"Well, they asked if I wanted to be called anything in advance and I think it fits!" Ataru said.
It took all of Shinobu's willpower not to strangle him. Belldandy put a hand on Shinobu's shoulder. "Don't let it get to you. He's not being serious."
"But- but-" Shinobu sighed, "Fine. Just win this, quickly."
"And the champion, Earth's Bane, Lum Invader!" The crowd parted, revealing Lum marching out of a parked space ship, a blonde woman in a suit and sunglasses whispering something to her walking out with her. She pointed to Ataru and nodded. Lum smiled back, and walked past her to through the crowds.
To loud boos. Lum winced and walked faster once those started.
"Earth's bane?" Ataru asked once she reached the starting line.
"Oh I was told it's a flower on earth. Thought it would be a nice way to introduce myself!" Lum said happily.
The quartet of humans and goddesses glanced at each other. "Bane means like, your enemy, the one trying to destroy you." Skuld said.
The smile vanished, "Oh. That's… she told me it was a nice flower!"
"Are the racers ready to begin? The rules are simple. You'll have six hours to play Tag. If Earth's champion can grab both of the Oni's champion's horns within that time then he is the victor and the Oni will make peace. If he fails then the match will restart tomorrow. If he does not win within one week than the Oni will invade!"
"He means 'take over without resistance'," Lum bounced on her feet. "Your technology level is at least a hundred years behind ours, and that's if I'm generous."
"She's right. They've mastered quantum transport tech and time manipulation." Skuld said, "Meanwhile you guys are still using vacuum tubes. In short, you suck."
"Aren't you supposed to be on our side?" Shinobu asked.
Skuld snorted, "I'm just being realistic about humanities tech! Projections didn't have you guys match the present day Oni until 2089!"
"So a bit more than a hundred years?" Lum said, "And how are you predicting that?" Her eyes narrowed.
Skuld laughed nervously, "Lucky guess?"
"Unless... You're those competitors that Miss Mara told me about!"
Skuld and Belldandy did a double take. "Mara!?"
In a flash that suited woman was in front of them. "You weren't supposed to bring me up!" She shouted at Lum.
"Mara! Is that you?" Belldandy said, "What are you doing on Earth!?
"Humph. I guess since I've been exposed." She pulled off her sunglasses, revealing sharp face. With red markings at the side of her eyes. "Long time no see Belldandy."
"Well hello there Miss!" Ataru was right up in Mara's face. "Mara's your name? Such an interesting one. Wouldn't expect a beautiful girl like you to have it." One hand rested on her waist, "So how about your phone number? Address? I'm sure as I'm Champion of Earth you'll soon be very interested in some discussion on how I'll be saving humanity."
Mara's eyes twitched, and a ball of fire appeared in her left hand. "Back off!" She snapped, throwing it down where Ataru had been standing. "Does your brain shut off when you see a girl or something!"
"Yes." Skuld said.
"I hate to admit it but that's right." Shinobu said.
"Ataru does seem enthusiastic about that." Belldandy said.
"Well listen here human, I'm Mara, Demon First Class, Unlimited. I'm not interested in you saving humans. I'm on her side!" She pointed to Lum.
"D-demon!?" Shinobu stepped back.
"Yeah. Mara here works for Niflheim. They have their own competing system for Earth's favor." Skuld said. "So wait, Niflheim wants the Oni to win?"
"Our projections show that Oni rule will increase our market share by 8.4% more than otherwise." Mara said, "So once I picked up the scent of divine intervention on this match I knew I had to stop it! But to think, a goody two shoes like you Belldandy! Getting involved with the third biggest letcher on earth!"
"Third?!" Ataru huffed, his pride wounded. "Who the hell - " he stopped, looking the demon up and down. "Who's numbers one and two?"
Mara glanced over at Shinobu, "Well I can't mention number two but number one will hopefully never escape to bother any woman again."
"Must be pretty bad if a demon doesn't want them around..." Skuld observed.
"So you three know each other?" Lum asked.
"Humph! All I know is that she's going to be beaten!" Mara turned around, "I don't know what blessing or cheat you goddess have on that boy, but I'll make sure it fails!" She stomped off into the crowd.
"Well that's interesting. I suppose it's not just us that's interested in Earth, tcha!" Lum said, "I'll have to ask Daddy where this Niflheim planet is."
"I don't think you'll be able to find it." Skuld muttered.
"Are our contestants ready?" The announcer said, "Any hanger on, including girlfriends, harem members, and mysterious benefactors please step away!"
The three women quickly backed away from Ataru. "Good luck!" Shinobu shouted.
"You do realize he doesn't have any of that?" Skuld said.
"Let her wish him well Skuld."
Mara ducked into the crowd, watching the race start. Sure enough, Ataru jumped immediately at Lum. But Lum revealed to the world that Oni could fly. She felt a bit of enjoyment about him falling flat on his face. Hrm. Too soon for a maniacal laugh, best to save that for later. She held up both hands and began accessing the system. Now, normally she would not be able to directly interfere with the actions of mortals without extensive costs paid and paperwork filled out. But the presence of not one, but two goddesses changed things up. If Heaven for whatever reason was acting on Ataru Moroboshi than Hell would respond in kind.
Her plan was simple. She just needed to tank Ataru's luck, so any attempt to catch Lum would fail hilariously.
Beep! the sound of the system denying her request rang through her ears. But that was to be expected. She knew that Ataru had to have some Divine Protection, as a Demon First class she should be able to work to bypass it! She brought up a console, ready to analyze why her curse had failed.
"...Luck Cap reached?" Mara said incredulously. "The hell? Mortals have a Luck Cap?" She cast the curse over Ataru as he tried to grab at Lum's legs. She floated away just in time for Ataru to faceplant again. Again the error popped up.
"Warning. Ataru Moroboshi's Luck is at lowest possible point? As of Patch 7.3 x 10^453 a Luck Cap has been introduced to prevent… underflow errors!?" If it wasn't a magical weightless projection it would have hit the ground with a clatter. "Underflow error!? This boy is literally the least lucky being alive!? Huh! Heaven must have taken pity on him, that's why they sent two Goddesses along! Or... Maybe they're investigating why he has such poor luck? It's not our doing!" Honestly the boy was so unlucky Hell would have arranged his death to put him out of his misery by this point. Heaven's Mercy was always crueler like that. Extracting any form of energy or payment from him would be like trying to get blood from an anemic.
That's when a fire hydrant near the racers suddenly exploded! Water streamed upwards, propelling the hydrant up with it! Mara's eyes widened as she did the calculations. That hydrant would hit Lum straight on the head! Stunning her enough to have Ataru grab the horns! She needed to get Lum out of the way!
But she couldn't do anything to help Lum! Lum hadn't paid any price, so Mara couldn't assist her directly! What do do… of course! She could interfere with Ataru's wish by giving him a burst of strength and speed! Casting the spell, she enhanced his jumping length and power. Sure enough, this gave him the force needed to tackle Lum out of the way! It hit the ground with a heavy thud, bouncing a bit towards the crowd.
Thankfully Lum pulled away a moment later. "You grabbed my chest instead of my head!?" She shouted at him.
"I wanted to get a good grip on you before I won!" Ataru shouted back. "Trust me, you're going to like being in my harem. Ooh, I might even make you the head girl..."
The fire hydrant hit Ataru in the head. "Excuse me!?" Shinobu shouted, having just thrown it. "I thought I was your number one!"
"S-Shinobu! I was just being nice! It could be rotating!"
"Wow he's basically unkillable." Mara mused. "Maybe Heaven did try and put him out of his mis-" Her head snapped to the left, hearing the loud honk of a semi-truck's horn. "That sounds like…" A bit further way, a semi-truck's brakes had failed,and the driver was doing his best to keep from running over people, but now there was this big crowd coming up! The crowd parted, gasping at the sight. Did they think it was some hero trying to run over the alien! Since she was too busy enjoying Ataru's antics to notice!
Naturally, Ataru and Shinobu noticed, and their eyes bugged out. Shinobu opened her mouth to scream, but Ataru's instincts took over and he charged towards Lum! Gritting her teeth, Mara cast more buff spells on Ataru, grab her bridal style and leap clear over the truck!" Mara forgot to protect his feet from the landing, so he lout of a cry of "Damn it that hurts!" When he hit the ground.
Lum's eyes glanced between Ataru's face and the still moving truck they had just avoided. "That… no!" She flew out of his grip before he could get at her horns!
Meanwhile, Belldandy held her hand up, and the truck was enveloped in a white glow, coming to a complete stop inches from Shinobu. "I think the Ultimate Force is getting desperate." Belldandy observed as the truck driver stumbled out and thanked God for letting him stop. He had no idea how right that was.
"At this rate the Americans might up end up launching a nuke at her to get their victory." Skuld groaned. "How the hell is Ataru saving her like that!?"
"You've clearly never seen Ataru when he's girl hunting." Shinobu said. She let out a sigh that was either resigned, wistful or long suffering. It was the auditory equivalent of the picture that's either a rabbit or a duck depending on how you look at it.
Then above the crowd an airplane's engines suddenly cut out! The ever growing shadow was aimed right for Lum! She'd be hit with it and surely lose! Mara gritted her teeth and began casting another spell on Ataru. Greater speed, strength, endurance.
The crowd noticed the crashing plane, screams and panic began quite swiftly. Even the announcer ran away, the only people not running were Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Belldandy, Skuld, and Mara. Lum was too busy trying to keep away from Ataru to notice, Ataru was too busy trying to catch Lum to notice. Shinobu was paralyzed over what to do, and the two goddesses knew this wouldn't hurt them.
Mara? She was pulling her hair out. "What the Fresh Fiery Hell is going on!?" She knew this many disasters were not scheduled! The numbers were run, and of course the plane was going to hit Lum. This time, she was in the air, and nothing Mara could do but watch in horror as the right wing of the biplane slammed into Lum. The pilot's jaw dropped seeing a girl in a bikini on his wing, and it was about to drop even further if he wasn't careful.
"Oh no!" Ataru could see it, the wing was about to hit a nearby billboard labeled 'Please don't crash airplanes into this'! He ran towards her, ready to jump! Mara's magic unwittingly giving him speed and ability beyond the norm! He jumped up! Landing on the crashing plane, grabbed Lum by the arm and pulled her off! The they jumped off just in time, the billboard was knocked to the ground. The back of it labeled 'Damn it we told you not to do that.'
Skuld pulled out a grappling hook, shooting it to grab the plane and pulling it down to the ground with relative safety. Again the pilot gave thanks to God. Mara twitched, hearing the heartfelt prayers of thanks decreasing the market share.
"W-well I'm a bit surprised folks, today's race has been plagued with problems!" The announcer came back. "But Mr. Moroboshi and Miss Invader still look ready to go at it! And such sportsmanship too! If Mr. Moroboshi had not saved her from all those disasters he could have easily won! He's doing the human race proud - wait, he could have won this already if he'd let her get hit! You idiot!"
"He's so brave and noble…" Lum whispered, "He isn't cheating at all!"
"How much worse can the Ultimate Force thing get?" Shinobu said, "This is getting stupid!"
"PIllar of salt! Remember that!" Skuld said.
"Also, Shinobu, dear, asking how much worse things can get is a guaranteed way to make them get worse."
That's when the road began to crack, and the earth began to tremble. "And here comes the earthquakes." Skuld muttered, "What's next? Fire from the sky? Locusts? Everybody's First Born dying? How is this idiot making things worse!? The Ultimate Force is trying to grant his-" Skuld stopped, both she and Belldandy looked at each other. "Mara." They both said.
"Oh wow, your planet has tectonic activity?" Lum said, floating a bit into the air.
"Yes! Doesn't yours!?" Ataru asked
"Not since we figured out how to get the continents to move smoothly and volcanoes to erupt on schedule." Lum said.
Crack, crack! The shaking earth managed to hit the nearby building Lum was floating of in such a way that it began to slowly, slowly tilt.
"It makes for a nice fun family day out," Lum continued. "We all get together, put on our lava proof cream and watch it flow!"
A loud crack! And the building's momention snapped forward! Lum spun around, seeing that the building was positioned to fall straight on her, leaving Ataru untouched! "Eeek!"
As if Ataru would let a pretty girl get hurt! He ran under it, no time to grab it. He'd just have to- have to-
"Is he going to try and hold the fucking building up!?" Mara shouted, "This moron! That dick brained asshole! Aaggggggg!" She held out her hands, "At this rate I'm going to be owing people favors for all this magic!" She executed a dozen extra programs, drawing upon the aid of several evil spirits that owed her favors. Pumping power into Ataru's entire body!
Lum knew this was going to hurt. It might even kill her. Seeing the building crashing down, she froze, much like a splorch in the space-lights. Everything moved in slow motion, any moment it would all collapse onto her. And then!
"Rrraaaaaaggggghhhhh! Ataru was in front of her, hands holding up the building! "N-no way am I letting a pretty face get messed up with some brick!" He shouted.
Lum's face reddened. "S-So cool..." she whispered. This guy, he had to be the coolest guy in the galaxy, no, the universe! And he wanted her! He wanted her to be one of his girls! Like, no wonder those two beauties had fallen for him! She had fallen for him! Her heart opened up, and she realized she was in love with Ataru Moroboshi.
"Move!" Ataru said.
"R-right away! D-D-Darling!" Lum flew out from under the building. "Now you get-" Then Mara's magic ran out.
Crunch.
"...did he just die?" Mara asked incredulously, seeing the collapsed building where Lum was now openly weeping in front of. "Did that idiot seriously just kill himself!?"
"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog…"
The music entered Mara's ears, her body twitched. "N-No!" Rock music! Classic rock! " Her body began shaking and dancing, "Who's playing that-"
"There you are." Belldandy said. She and Skuld had found her. Skuld was holding up a record player. Elvis's tunes keeping the demon dancing and harmless. Belldandy smiled serenely at the dancing demon. "I must give credit where it is due. That was quite a clever way to exploit the rules. What was less clever - Oh dear, I hate criticising like this. It feels like I'm giving you advice on how to be evil."
"Allow me," Skuld coughed. "You idiot! Dummy, dummy! Going up against the Ultimate Force like that, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? Let me check the weather report: Cloudy with a 75% chance of no you weren't."
"The Ultimate Force!? What? I mean, I knew it would be trying to get that idiot some harem girls, but come on! He can't get every girl into the harem he wants, that violates free will!" Mara snapped at her childhood playmate in irritation.
"Miss Lum promised to join it if he won." Belldandy said in response.
Twitch. "She… did not mention that." Mara said. "But then why all these disasters!?"
"Because, idiot, didn't you notice that moron's luck? It's so low causing explosive events like this all the Ultimate Force can do!"
Mara groaned, still swaying her hips to Elvis's greatest hits. "Well, the idiots dead now, and by his own hand so hopefully it won't-"
"Oh Ataru's not dead." Belldandy said.
"A building fell on him." Mara said. "That's generally a cause of death!"
"No, I'm picking up his life signs now. He's not even really injured." Skuld said, one of her scanners held up in front of her with the hand not holding the record player.
"HOW!? Mara asked, and the two Goddess shrugged.
Lum now knew what heartbreak felt like. She had found him! Her soulmate! Her one true love! He had been there, perfect and ready for her… and now he was gone! Lost to her forever! She knelt by the building, weeping. "I'm sorry! I should have been paying more attention! I should have gone easier on you! I shouldn't have shown off by flying! I'm sorry Darling! I'm sorry!"
Crunch.
"Huh?" Lum pulled her face from her tear soaked hands. "That sound…"
Crunch.
Shinobu was now behind Lum. "I'm somehow not surprised about all this." She said.
"Surprised about wha-" Lum began to ask. But then the side of the fallen building exploded!
"Harrreeeemmmmmm!" Ataru Moroboshi flew out, rubble flying everywhere, "Got you!" He shouted his hands wrapping around both of Lum's horns! The force of his flight looped them both through the air, and by some perverse luck he landed right on top of Shinobu! The trio rolled down the road for a second, before stopping against the truck from earlier.
The crowd filtered back, gawking at the sight. Ataru was sitting on Shinobu's lap, his hands firmly grasping Lum's horns! "Welcome to the harem Lum!" Ataru said happily.
There was a puff of smoke, and Lum realized she was now wearing a different set of bottoms. Much poffier, and softer. Still tiger striped though. "Oh. O-of course! Of course I'll be your darling!" She flew out of his grip, wrapping her arms around him. "Oh course love! Of course dear! Oh thank you God for finding me my soulmate! I'm so happy!"
"FUCK!" Mara shouted in the background. Still dancing away. "Fuck fucky fucky fuck fuck..." she swore to the classic Presley melody. This in no way diminished the rage she was expressing at this turn of events.
Belldandy was up next to the group again, "Well it was a bit more explosive then I would have liked but it looks like the Earth is saved from alien invaders now."
"You two are darling's other girls right!" Lum flew up and grabbed both Belldandy and Shinobu, "You'll have to tell me how you met him!? And what do we do now!? Oh right I need to get the paperwork set up move to Earth and maybe we could all hang out with some snacks and movies and oooh Setsubun is coming up won't Benten be surprised and-"
Shinobu put a hand over Lum's mouth. "M-maybe we can talk about this later Lum."
Lum examined her outfit. "Wow, can Darling summon these outfits?"
"Technically it's not him." Belldandy said. "It's us. Whenever we feel like being a harem girl, our clothes change." She closed her eyes, and then... All of a sudden a lot of men temporarily lost some dice on their perception roles, and maybe some for their intelligence too. A couple women, too. "You see?"
"No way," Shinobu said indignantly. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would we ever want to be -" Poof! Harem girl Shinobu, unconsciously shimmying her hips from side to side "- wearing those silly harem girl outfits? It's so... Demeaning!" a shudder shot through her and Shinobu's eyes twinkled with wonder. "So... Naughty. So wrong. So dirty and forbidden... Gah! Ataru! Change me back!"
Her clothes remained in harem form, and if anyone was looking closely enough while thinking about such matters, they might note that her attempts to "cover her body" were actually putting quite a bit of emphasis on her feminine figure.
Across the street, Skuld finally stopped playing the record. "So, question, where does Shinobu rank on lechery?"
Mara's eyes twitched. "Not telling you dumb goddess. I am in so much trouble. Everybody's thanking you guys for my actions!" She stepped back, "Don't think I won't be back! I'll be getting you stupid goddesses off this world, and breaking up that idiotic harem!" She vanished in a flash of fire.
Skuld sighed, "Well, we agree on one thing Mara." She needed to find a way to get Belldandy out of this wish, and fast!