March 8, 2017
"Today marks four years since Private Finn Hudson from Lima, Ohio went missing in action in Afghanistan," the news reporter said, Rachel quickly turning the television off. She knew what day it was, she didn't need news outlets across the country reminding her. She had enough reminders every day. Plus, it wasn't like she could forget that day, no matter how much she'd tried. And everyone knew she'd tried. How do you forget the worst day of your life?
"I'm looking for Mrs Rachel Hudson," she heard from the door. Kurt had answered, Rachel working on homework. She stood up, walking over to see a man in a military uniform standing there. "Are you Mrs Hudson?" he then asked.
"Y-yes. Is there something wrong?" she asked, not knowing what to expect. Every movie she'd seen had told her this was the point she would be told that Finn had been killed. But her reality was much worse than that.
"Ma'am, your husband has gone missing in action. He was on a mission and his platoon was attacked. We have found no evidence he was killed, but we are doing everything we can to find him and bring him home." He hadn't told her they were trying to find him alive. Rachel felt like he was saying they were trying to find his body.
"Oh my god," she said softly, leaning into Kurt who had his own tears. Finn was his brother, not just her husband. "Oh my god!" she said again, much louder with tears. She could hear Santana walking out of her defined living space.
"Ma'am, is there anything we can do for you and your family during this time?" the soldier had asked. All she wanted to say was to bring him back. That's what they could do. But no words came out as she opened her mouth, just another sob. "If there is anything you need, don't hesitate to call." He handed Kurt a business card before walking away.
"What's wrong with the hobbit?" Santana asked. Rachel couldn't look at her, continuing to lean on Kurt for literal support. She felt as if her legs would collapse under her if she let him go.
"Finn," Kurt said softly over Rachel's cries. "He's missing in action, Santana." Rachel could feel a second pair of arms around her, knowing it was her other roommate. She knew what she had to do though, when she could see through her tears. She had to tell Carole.
Rachel wasn't ready for this. Mr Schuester had convinced the original members of the glee club to come back for a memorial for Finn. She hated that everyone acted like he was dead. The military hadn't found a body, so she could continue to try and be optimistic.
They all joined in the auditorium, dressed in black. Rachel looked to Kurt, knowing what song Mr Schue had them learn before coming. Even though he technically wasn't their teacher anymore, he was still their mentor. And this had all been his idea to help them process the day. They'd gotten together every year, but this year, Will had been adamant about it. He'd said he had something for them to see.
"Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes," the group sang, coming together on stage as Will watched on from the auditorium seats. Rachel was doing her best to hold back her tears, not wanting to cry again.
She'd spent the night at Carol's house, in Finn's room. They hadn't changed any of it, all of it looking the same. It still smelled like him. She'd put on his letterman jacket, sitting on his bed as she looked around, trying to imagine him still there. She could remember when she'd told Carole seemingly forever ago.
"What do we owe this surprise," Burt had asked when Rachel and Kurt came knocking on the door. They'd driven nine hours to Lima to tell Carole in person what had happened. It had given Rachel time to think about how to tell her, and to cry. She didn't know why she wasn't out of tears yet.
"Is Carole home?" Kurt asked his father, Rachel unable to say anything. Burt ushered them inside to the living room.
"Carole, the kids are here!" Burt called out to his wife. Rachel sat down on the couch with Kurt, continuing to lean against him for comfort. Burt sat down on the loveseat, waiting for his wife to come in the room and join him.
"What's going on kids?" she asked. "Are you pregnant?" Of course her mother-in-law's first assumption would be that she was pregnant after Finn had been deployed. Honestly, she wished she was instead of this. Now, she didn't even know if she'd ever have Finn's kids.
"It's Finn," she managed to say before a sob escaped from her lips. The look of fear on Carole's face broke Rachel's heart even more as the woman reached over to grab onto Burt's hand. "He's missing in action."
Her mother in law didn't do anything to hide the tears that began trickling down her cheeks, unable to say anything. Rachel understood. How are you supposed to respond? She surely didn't know.
The group finished their song, looking out at Mr Schue, waiting for him to say something. Mostly waiting to find out why this was so important.
"You guys always amaze me," he told them, walking up to the stage to stand in front of them. "You've also just sang the first song in the Finn Hudson Auditorium."
Rachel couldn't believe it, and the looks of surprise on her friend's faces meant they had the same feelings. He wasn't dead though. When places were named after people, it was because they were dead. And she refused to believe he was dead.
"Mr Schue," Puck said before their teacher cut him off.
"Since McKinley is now becoming a performing arts school, I and the board saw it fit to rename the auditorium after someone who not only sacrificed himself for his country, but who was a huge part in making this school into what it is. He was the defining factor when it came to the social construct of the school, of how people were defined," he explained, Rachel nodding along. "Now, with it being four years since he went missing, I saw it fit to have a memorial for him. Not for his death, because we all know Rachel is adamant he's not dead. As are the rest of us. But to celebrate his life. So, the next two days, I want us all to sing something that reminds us of Finn, okay?" The group nodded. "My door is open if any of you want to talk. As is Emma's. You may not go to school here anymore, but this place is as much of yours as it is anyone else's."
Rachel waited for everyone to leave, sitting on the edge of the stage. It was their Jerusalem, all of theirs. But it was where her and Finn always came when it was important.
"How are you holding up, Rachel?" Will asked as he sat next to her. She shrugged, continuing to look out at the chairs, fidgeting with her wedding ring.
"It never gets easier." Her voice shook as she spoke, tears burning her eyes. "Every day I just...I wake up and expect him to be there. I talk to him a lot. I can see his face and hear his voice so clearly, it's almost as if he's not gone. Do you think I'll ever forget it? Because I'm afraid that one day," her voice cracked as she tried to hold back the tears. "I'm afraid that one day I will." She leaned her head on the man's shoulder as she felt his arm wrap around her shoulder.
"What do you talk to him about?" he asked, and she knew he was just trying to comfort her. Without them ever finding a body, it was like she was in a constant state of grieving because she couldn't move on without knowing.
"Everything. Even when he was here, it was me talking all the time and him pretending to listen, so it's not that much different." The two were able to chuckle for a moment. A brief moment of happiness.
"So, what now?" he asked her, pulling back. She looked at him, shrugging again.
"I don't know. I'm not ready to give up on him. I don't know if I ever will."
Will nodded, standing and helping her do the same before walking to the choir room where everyone else had gathered. She joined them in the familiar, red chairs. One was empty, sitting where he always sat near the drum kit. Their teacher walked to the whiteboard, writing one word. 'Finn.' They all knew what their assignment was, but seeing his name up there was different for her.
"I'd like to start," Mercedes said, standing up before them all. "I remember Finn telling me, uh, that he sang this song to his baby's sonogram. Before baby-gate," she said, glancing at Puck. Rachel just listened, wanting this to be for them. She would never be able to move on.