Hello, hello. I didn't manage to write anything while I was in Prague. When I came home I had a lot of stuff in school and outside of it so I wasn't able to upload new chapter. And I'm truly sorry for that. I wrote this as soon as I could and it might not be best. It's Sunday 6 a.m. and I will check it again a little later to see if something could/should be fixed. I had to upload now because I was so angry and sad because I didn't upload for so long. I usually write it and reread it with a few hours in between. I'm uploading this as soon as I wrote it. So it will be checked a bit later than usual, after I learn Sociology for tomorrow -.- . That will be all. Enjoy.

P.S. I do not own Naruto.

~x~

Last 9 weeks have been boring for Sakura. She doesn't do almost anything in the hospital. She's called only for emergencies, which luckily was only a couple of times. Her days are filled with reading and meditating. She tries to practice with Neji or Lee or someone, but her friends are all busy. The only time she can spend with Shikamaru is when they play shogi. He has a lot of missions to go through but it's all classified, so they can't talk about it. She still didn't tell him about her joining Anbu. Until she is accepted, she won't tell anyone. Well, she told Neji but he doesn't know she talked to shishou about it.

When she trains alone, she practices ninjutsu. She was given good chakra natures and it would be a shame to waste it. That's what she would be doing now if she wasn't lying in bed with high fever. It's funny how she can heal lethal wounds but is powerless against fever. Ino visited her yesterday and helped her clam the fever down since it's really hard for Sakura to control her chakra flow. She's still storing chakra in her seal, just not as much as she would if she was okay.

But that's not the worst of her worries. She started having those dreams again. Dreams with emotionless eyes and bloody bodies, those which once belonged to her parents. Her mother's energy which once shined out of her, warming those around her and made them feel loved was replaced with cold aura that screamed hate, disappointment, pain, sadness...

Her father's angry stare and words that tear her soul into pieces every time she hears them:

"It's all your fault."

"You should have protected us"

" You should have done something in The Forest if Death."

"You are too weak."

"You are not cut out to be shinobi"

"You are disappointment to everyone around you and mostly to us."

"It's you who should be dead, not us."

And then there is Granny with the same words, even tho she willingly gave her life for Gaara, Sakura still blames herself:

"If you were faster, I wouldn't have had to give my life"

"My brother is all alone because you were useless when confronted by Itachi"

"It's all your fault."

Sakura always wakes up soaked in sweat either from fever or from nightmares. Probably both. It's been like that for 3 days now. She can't rest properly because of her 'oh so beautiful dreams'. It's funny how she never told anyone about it. Sure Kakashi-sensei figured it out on one of their missions when she had them while he was on guard. He talked to her about it and with time they stopped. They came back around 2 years ago when she lost two patients. They were the only cases that she lost, but it scared her for life.

First was jounin, 19 year old Matabi Kuisho. He was blond, few strings of his hair were always in his eyes. They were familiar since he often got hurt on missions. He was much like Naruto. It seems being knucklehead is blond thing in ninja world. He was beautiful. He had nice nose, lips, lines of his face. Sakura never felt anything towards him but that was a fact that she admitted the first time she saw him. When he was brought in, he had one clean stab in his stomach and another one in his liver. There was absolutely nothing she could do. She was 16 year old medical ninja, student of Yondayme Hokage and she was helpless once again. She tried healing him but she didn't have time nor skills. The thing that broke her heart was when she saw the look on his teammate face when she told her he didn't make it.

Pain, sorrow, sadness. All the emotions she was familiar with. They were in love. It was obvious to everyone except to them, as it never is. He was just a 19 year old boy who was yet to experience love, have family, rise his kids and be happy. But he will never experience those things because she couldn't save him. She stayed back with his teammate after his funeral. They talked, his teammate cried for hours. Sakura did her best to explain to her that it wasn't her fault. He died honorable death protecting the village and those dear to him. But Sakura couldn't listen to her own advice. She stayed up for nights and nights studying, meditating so she activates her seal sooner, trying to find a way to heal those types of wounds.

The breaking point for her was an event week and a half later. He was civilian, 24 with wife and a little kid who couldn't be older than 3. He was construction worker and that day he sacrificed his life for his friend when he pushed him out of the way when a pile of big pipes started falling down. It fell on him, crushing his collar bone and chest along with his ribs. One of his ribs stabbed his lungs and once again there was nothing that Sakura could do. Tsunade was out of the village on some summit about chuning exams. The hospital was in Sakura's hands and she failed. Miserably by that. The look on his wife's face will be something she will never forget. She was all alone in raising a child, child whose father won't attend her birthday's anymore. Who won't kiss her goodnight, won't be there for her first day of school.

After that Sakura didn't sleep. Every time she would close her eyes she would see them laying lifeless there and people crying around them. She would hear words that she was too familiar with. Words lased with hate, with pain. She would hear people crying their names out begging them to come back. At first she struggled, she ran away when they started chasing her. But after some time she stopped. She let them do whatever they wish to her: kick her, stab her. She was left lying next to them. All alone. Left to absorbe the scene of her failure. The pain was all too real and she knew it was dream only when she woke up, tears going down her cheeks. She was waking up in the same pose she fell asleep.

She had completely accepted it. She felt dead. Dead inside. She had 2 hours per night the most, but she didn't feel difference whether she did or didn't sleep. When Tsunade came back she was petrified in state Sakura was. She was locking herself in her house. Outside she was putting a fake smile, but people close to her knew all too well it was all an act. Shikamaru would stay with her for nights and nights, trying to make her talk to him. He left when he realized she won't sleep at all, as long as someone was there. Ino, Naruto, Ten Ten, Hinata, Neji even Sai tried to get her to talk. Tsunade was drinking sake even more than usual. She couldn't help Sakura. She knew how it was to lose someone. This was the first time Sakura has failed. It was something she had to fight through on her own.

However, one night after drinking too much sake, Tsunade went to Sakura's house. Before Shizune found her Sakura received an earful and half of her living room was out of place. Like for example her couch was placed vertically in the corner. Sakura was just standing there first emotion visible on her face after weeks of emptiness. It was shock. Shizune somehow made Tsunade leave Sakura's house but before she left through the door she looked at Sakura and said words that Sakura will remember forever: " Don't make the same mistake as me".

After that, Sakura was thinking the whole night about what her shishou told her. How Tsunade couldn't see blood and it almost coasted Naruto his life. How she can't let these events discourage her. The number of casualties will only increase if Sakura gives up. How she has great potential. But what really brought Sakura back was how her master was acting. She didn't realize how it affected people around her. Looking back, her house was almost never empty. Her friends would bring her food because they knew she didn't eat, they would talk to her about their days and Sakura would participate. But the moment something made her remember the deaths she blamed herself for, she would close up. Just like that. They were all worried about her. She had burdened them again. That night she decided that she will find a way to fix any wound, no matter how long it took. And it took her 2 years. It all went easier when she got the seal . She could turn theory into practice. Tsunade says she had been truly trying to figure it out for 6 months because she couldn't feel it before. When chakra heals her wounds and when she shares chakra with Katsuyu. It all contributed to her new technique. But Sakura is still haunted by their faces. After snapping out of her depression state, Sakura helped with raising that girl, her name is Tori. Since she is now 5 Sakura doesn't see her as often. She will start academy next year and Sakura promised her she would help her practice.

Sakura was snapped out of her thoughts when her doorbell rang. She snorted. Slowly, she got up and when she went down the stairs she looked at the clock hanging on the wall. Half past 2? Sakura woke up at 7 and drifted in her thoughts after her breakfast. She was thinking for some time.

She got to the door and unlocked it. She pushed the doorknob down and pulled the door towards her only to reveal Shikamaru standing there, holding bento in his hand.

"Shikamaru?" Sakura asked cocking her head to the side.

"I ran into Ino today when I was with my mother and she told me you were sick. My mom made chicken soup and told me to deliver it to you." He scratched the back of his neck. "How are you feeling?"

"Aww, you brought me chicken soup even if it was a drag, I feel so honoured" Sakura giggled. She enjoyed teasing him too much. Shikamaru turned his head but Sakura noticed a tint of pink on his cheeks.

"I've been better, but also worse. Thank you for the soup, really. Do you want to come in. Knowing you, you probably didn't eat because it's too troublesome" Sakura moved so she made space for Shikamaru to come in. He smirked and shook his head.

"Sometimes it's creepy how you know what I did and didn't do. If you weren't sick I would have thought you stalked me." He sent her side glance as he made his way to the kitchen.

She made slow movements that imitated his, but by the time she was in kitchen the table was made and he was heating up the soup.

"All you need is apron and you will make a perfect housewife" Sakura giggled as she sat at the table. He just smirked as he was used to her provocations.

"A housewife comes in handy when you are sick, doesn't it?"

" I must admit it does" She smiled sweetly at him, thanking him with her smile.

Chicken soup was delicious. It was Sakura's favorite. She occasionally got sick because of her overworking habit. She always get a lot of flowers and chicken soups from different people and clans because everyone feels like they own her or they simply care for her. But the one from Shikamaru's mother is the best. It reminds her of the one her mother made for her. After they ate, they sat on the couch and talked. Sakura told him about her work in the hospital and the seal but not about ANBU. Words that Neji said rang in her head and if he was right, there would be an argument. Or heated discussion. Whatever it was she didn't have energy for it. She was simply too tired.

He talked about the mole, since she already knew. As he talked he felt shifting next to him. If he wasn't ninja he would have missed the all to quiet words - "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". He immediately turned to look at her only to find her asleep, having really restless dream if it was to judge by her furrowed eyebrows and sweat on her forehead. He knew what that meant. He gently but quickly pulled her next to him and hugged her whispering reassuring words like " It's okay, I'm here" and "You are safe".

After few minutes of gentle soothing, Sakura slowly calmed down but didn't wake up. She continued to sleep peacefully.

He took her to her room and made sure she was cozy and comfortable. He didn't leave her room, he just sat there looking at her.

Shikamaru was fully aware that her nightmare could come back at any given moment, so he decides it was best to stay with her just in case. He wondered if her nightmares came back because she was sick or did they appear much longer before she even got her flu. If that was the case, he will have a really big talk with her. It was true that she didn't scream, but it doesn't change the fact that she is not okay, mentally. Shikamaru was supposed to write some reports but he couldn't leave her like this. He knew Tsunade-sama will understand.

It was night when he looked out of the window. As far as he was concerned, he will stay 2 days if it he had to, just to make sure she rests. When he came to give her soup, he knew something was off, she was too pale even for a sick person. He will have to talk to Tsunade-sama. They can never let what had happened to her happen again.

He watched her sleep peacefully, chest slowly rising and falling in an even manner. When looking so calm, it was hard to imagine Sakura being one of the most powerful kunoichi's out there. Small frame of her body tucked under the sheets resembled one of a girl who was kind, loving and… fragile. But the girl lying in front of him was all but fragile. She was strong, independent, hard working, smart, hot headed and merciless if it was needed but soft and caring nevertheless. Shikamaru watched her sleep for a long time. Term 'time' became all but a distant idea of something it should resemble as he sat there, at the edge of her bead, watching her like a hawk for any sudden movements or whispers. But luckily, none came.

Thank you for reading. I'll talk to you soon. Kisses.