So yeah, this story is going to be largely episodic, with occasional actual arcs. Ships include Creek, Stendy, Heidman, and KateXKyle. No ship name yet.
"All right, children. Let's take our seats," Mr. Garrison declared to the class. "Today we're going to be discussing our upcoming school play. Now this is an unusual play because it's not an actual play. It's based off an old Greek myth and it's about love." Kate raised her hand. "Yes, Katherine?"
"Which myth, sir?" she asked. "There's a lot about love."
"Good question, Katherine. This myth is about Eros, the god of love, and Psyche, a mortal princess. Now, as far as the story goes, Psyche was seen as the sexiest person ever to exist, which majorly pissed off Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty who also happened to be Eros's mother. Do you know this story, Katherine, because all I know is the part about Aphrodite being pissed off?"
"I do."
"Oh, God," groaned Cartman. Kate went up to the front of the class and took a deep breath.
"Okay, so because Aphrodite is one goddess you do not want to piss off, she told Eros to go down to Earth and make Psyche fall in love with a hideous monster because Aphrodite is a massive bitch. He goes down there and he's going to hit her with one of his arrows because he's basically Cupid, but he sees Psyche and he's so flustered by her beauty that he accidentally stabs himself with one of his own arrows."
"BORING!" Cartman fake-coughed.
"Anyway, Psyche's parents want her to get married, but even though Psyche is really beautiful, nobody wants to marry her because she's the kind of beautiful that people admire from afar. They go to the Oracle of Delphi, who is a psychic, and she says that Psyche will find a husband, but he'll be a monster that even the gods fear."
"BOO, KATE! BOOOO!"
"You wanna tell this story, Fuck Trash?!"
"I can do it better than you, Freckle-Face Whore!"
"FINE!"
She went back to her seat and Cartman took her place at the front.
"So, basically, Eros takes Psyche to his house and she's not allowed to look at him, even when they're banging each other. Her sisters, when they come visit, are all pissy because Psyche has a great guy and they're stuck with old dudes. They convince her to betray him, and long story short, Psyche has to go on a big long journey for Aphrodite before she can be with Eros, which she does, and they live happily ever fucking after."
"Thank you, Eric," sighed Mr. Garrison. "Anyway, we'll be having auditions today, so everyone head down to the auditorium and we'll get started."
In the auditorium, the kids were in their seats, ready to get it all done and over with. It was a schoolwide show, meaning every kid from second to fifth grade was there. Kenny waved to his little sister, who gave a shy wave back. The auditions involved a cold read of the script and a monologue. Some people, like Craig and Heidi, volunteered to work backstage rather than be in the play. That knocked out about half of the prospective actors, but that helped narrow it down quite a bit.
The next day, the results of the auditions were posted on the bulletin board by the cafeteria.
Eros and Psyche: Love and the Soul Cast
Narrator: Kyle Broflovski
Psyche: Karen McCormick
Aphrodite: Bebe Stevens
Eros: Butters Stotch
King of Miletus: Stan Marsh
Queen of Miletus: Wendy Testaburger
Zephyr: Kenny McCormick
Sisters: Jenny Simons and Lola Young
Persephone: Katherine Cartman
Zeus: Eric Cartman
Chorus: Stan Marsh, Wendy Testaburger, Kenny McCormick, Jenny Simons, Lola Young, Katherine Cartman, Eric Cartman, Rebecca Newton, Victoria Sawyer, Tweek Tweak, Token Black, Nichole McKinnon, Jimmy Valmer, Timmy Burch, Nelly Greene, Clyde Donovan, Scott Malkinson, David Rodriguez, and Monica Ryland
"Yes!" cheered Bebe. "I'm the goddess of love and beauty!"
"Oh, yeah?" giggled Kate. "I'm queen of the underworld!"
"I can't believe some bitch in a lower grade got the lead," complained Monica.
"(Hey!)" Kenny yelled. "(That's my sister you're talking about!)"
"Sorry, Kenny!"
"I think she'll do a great job," Kate assured Kenny.
"(Well, as long as Butters doesn't touch her…)"
"I won't, Ken!" Butters told Kenny.
Rehearsals proved to be simple yet fun affairs for the next six weeks until opening night. Despite certain people (Cartman) causing problems, the Greek story proved to be a popular one once it got going.
Before anybody knew it, opening night (and the final night) arrived and everyone was frantic.
"Brown chestnut, brown chestnut, make us act well, make us act well…" chanted Kate under her breath as she paced back and forth. Karen was nervously clutching Kenny's hand. It was the first time many of them had seen him without his hood, so he was uncomfortable under everyone's stares.
"Places, everyone!" Heidi, who'd been made stage manager, called. "Curtain goes up in two minutes. Kyle, be in position."
"Got it!" Kyle replied, running for his spot. He bumped into Kate, who fell backwards before he caught her in the nick of time. They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment.
"HEY!" Cartman yelled. "GET IN POSITION, JEW!"
"S-sorry, Kate!" Kyle stammered, setting her upright. "See you later! Break a leg!"
"Same to you!" Kate replied, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
"KYLE!" Heidi snapped.
"Coming!"
The curtain rose to reveal Kyle in a kingdom set, sitting on a bench in a garden.
"Our story begins in the kingdom of Miletus," he began, holding a prop storybook titled simply Greek Myths. "The king and queen were proud people, most of all when it came to their youngest daughter, Psyche." Stan and Wendy walked onstage with Karen, smiling proudly on either side of her.
"Oh, Psyche," Stan declared. "We're lucky to have a daughter as beautiful as you."
"Yes!" Wendy chirped in agreement. "So many people admire you!"
"Ps-Psyche is the m-most be-beautiful girl in ex-existence!" Jimmy announced as he came onstage with most of the chorus.
"Yes!" Clyde agreed.
"See?" Wendy sighed. "In fact, Psyche, you're more beautiful than Aphrodite herself!"
"Don't say that, dear," Stan chided. "The goddess may hear, and then we'll be in trouble."
"Don't be ridiculous! She won't hear what I said!"
"Little did the foolish queen know that the goddess did hear," Kyle continued as the others moved offstage and Bebe came onstage, looking very regal as she sat in a fancy-looking throne.
" 'More beautiful than Aphrodite herself'?!" she snarled. "That little hussy thinks she can take my place?! I'll show her! Eros! Get out here!"
Butters ran out onstage with fake wings and carrying a bow. A quiver of arrows was strapped to his back.
"Yes, Mom?" he asked.
"There's a girl on Earth that I want you to have fall in love with a hideous monster. She's the plainest, ugliest girl I've ever seen and she has the gall to think she's prettier than me. She needs to be taken care of."
"Well, Mom… okay. I'll do it."
"Good. Her name is Psyche, and she lives in the kingdom of Miletus. I don't care what you make her fall in love with; just make her miserable."
"Yes, ma'am."
"And so Eros, under the cover of darkness, went to Psyche," Kyle continued. Karen came onstage in a bed, asleep, while Butters came through a window.
"All right," Butters said. "Let's see this girl." He lifted up a small lantern and looked at Karen. "Well, gee! She's beautiful! Why did Mom lie?" He pretended to be distracted and pricked his hand on the arrow in his hand. "OUCH! Wow, she's really amazing! I can't force her to love a monster… unless…"
Karen yawned and sat up. Butters ducked under the bed.
"Is someone there?" she asked sleepily. When no answer came, she went back to sleep.
"As time went by, with no possible husbands for Psyche presenting themselves, her parents decided to take her to see the Oracle of Delphi to ask if she would ever find a husband."
Victoria stood in a cloak, looking very much the part of an oracle as Stan and Wendy approached with Karen. They pushed her forwards, towards Victoria.
"Go on, Psyche," Stan urged. "Ask."
"Oh, Oracle of Apollo!" Karen stated. "Will I ever find a husband? Will I marry like my sisters?"
"Yes, young princess," Victoria replied in a hissing tone.
"You hear that?" Wendy squealed. "There's hope for her yet!"
"However… your husband will be a monster that even the gods fear. He has already set his sights on you, and you must go to him, little princess."
"Oh, gods!" Wendy wailed. "This is my fault! I insulted Aphrodite and she has cursed us!"
"Go to the cliff at the edge of your kingdom. There, the monster will take her for his bride."
"With no other options, the king and queen of Miletus left their youngest daughter on the cliff as instructed, mourning that a girl so fair was going to be tied to a monster." Karen sat while Kenny came onstage. He extended a hand to her. "Zephyr, the West Wind, took the young princess to a beautiful mansion, where she was to meet her husband."
"Hello?" Karen called as Kenny ran offstage.
"Hi!" Butters replied.
"Where are you? I can't see you!"
"And you can't! I'm too hideous! Trust me. You're safe here."
"And so Psyche began her new life. She was happy with her husband, until her sisters arrived to visit."
"Hi, Psyche!" Jenny greeted Karen as she walked onstage.
"How's married life?" added Lola.
"It's great. My husband is the nicest one I could ask for."
"The sisters were jealous of Psyche because she had a kind and attentive husband, while they were stuck with old men who barely paid attention to them. They decided that they needed to ruin Psyche's life."
"So, what does he look like?" asked Jenny.
"Oh, I'm not allowed to look at him. He says he's too ugly for me."
"Maybe you should try to get a look," Lola suggested.
"What do you mean?"
"Sneak into his room tonight with a lantern and this dagger." Jenny handed the prop to Karen. "Look at his face, and if he's really as hideous as he claims, kill him before he kills you and your unborn baby."
"Okay." Karen took the dagger and Jenny and Lola walked offstage.
"That night, Psyche snuck into her husband's room with a lantern and dagger. She was ready to kill him, but then she saw him."
"Oh my gods," breathed Karen. "He's beautiful. He's… he's not a monster at all! He's a god!"
She reached forward but pricked her hand on one of the arrows that laid by the bed.
"Unfortunately, the oil in the lantern also wanted to be closer to Eros, so it splashed on his shoulder."
"OW!" screamed Butters, looking at Karen. "You-you—" He ran offstage.
"Oh, no!"
"Psyche longed to apologize to him, but unfortunately, Aphrodite had other plans. She was now twice as angry with Psyche and vowed to make her life even more miserable."
"Hey!" Bebe snapped, coming onstage.
"Aphrodite!" gasped Karen, bowing.
"You little hussy! First, you try to claim you're more beautiful than me, and now you've burnt my son!"
"I'm sorry! I just wanted to know what he looked like…"
"Well, I suppose I can forgive you, if you do some things for me first."
"Whatever you want, ma'am! I just want a second chance!"
"Is that so?" Bebe took on an evil smirk and fake-punched Karen across the stage. "There. Now I feel a lot better. Here." She dumped a little bag of fake grain on the stage. "Sort these by sundown if you value your life." She walked away.
"Poor Psyche was distraught. Luckily, a nearby nest of ants took pity on her and sorted the grain." A third of the chorus walked onstage dressed as ants and 'sorted' the grain. "Aphrodite wasn't happy that Psyche had succeeded and gave her an even more dangerous task: gathering the fleece of the man-eating and vicious sun sheep."
A third of the chorus came out dressed as fluffy golden sheep.
"Oh, no! They'll eat me alive!" fretted Karen. "I should just drown myself."
"Hey!" snapped Nichole, dressed as a water nymph. "Don't pollute my river!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Why do you want to drown yourself?"
"I have to gather the fleece of the sun sheep or Aphrodite will kill me!"
"Oh. That's easy. Just gather it off the bushes and you'll be fine."
"Thank you."
"No problem. It's about time someone took her royal vainness down a peg, and you're pretty enough to do it."
"Psyche gave the fleece to Aphrodite, who was again enraged that the mortal had succeeded. She gave one last task to the princess: go to the Dread Queen Persephone and get some of her beauty."
Karen walked into a fake throne room where Kate sat, dressed like a queen of the underworld.
"Excuse me, Persephone?" Karen asked.
"Yes, little one?"
"Aphrodite sent me… to get some of your beauty." She held out a fancy box. "I'm sorry if you're offended."
"I'm not. Here." She did something to the box and handed it back to Karen. "Give Aphrodite my regards. And don't open it until you get back to her."
"Yes, ma'am."
"And so Psyche began making her way back to Aphrodite. As she walked, she realized that she looked very worn-out and unappealing." Karen looked at the box in her hands.
"If this box has pure beauty in it, maybe I should use some of it to look nice for Eros. I'm sure Aphrodite won't mind…"
Karen opened the box and fell backwards.
"Psyche had died, since it turned out nothing was in the box but death. Luckily, Eros had long since forgiven her, and he escaped his mother's grasp long enough to save his bride."
"Psyche!" Butters yelled, kneeling next to her and lifting her head. Karen opened her eyes and smiled.
"You came," she murmured.
"Of course I did. I forgave you a while ago. Mom just wouldn't let me go."
"And so Eros brought Psyche to Mount Olympus, where he asked Zeus to make her his equal and a goddess."
"Well… I don't know…" Cartman said as he sat onstage. "Why should I?"
"Because I love her, and I want her to live here with us," Butters replied.
"Not good enough."
"She's pregnant and Aphrodite will be a grandmother if you make this happen," Kate told Cartman.
"Done!"
"But—" Bebe whined.
"Shut up and sit down, Aphrodite!" Cartman snapped.
"Psyche was given nectar and ambrosia, the food of the gods, and became a goddess herself. She and Eros had a baby girl, whom they named Bliss, and they lived happily ever after."
The cast did their bows, everyone looking extremely pleased with how the play had gone. Apparently, the audience agreed, since they gave the kids a standing ovation.
So yeah, no signature South Park craziness yet. Next time, we'll have a little insight into Kyle's feelings on Kate. How does that sound?
So long and thanks for all the fish!