Quinn Bitch is back. Back again. Bitch is back. Tell a friend.
The day started like any other at South Park Elementary. Nobody could've predicted what happened that week, what bloodshed it would bring. It was a beautiful week, with the sun shining on the snow and no town-destroying catastrophe on the horizon.
No, instead, the order of the week was bringing down a beauty queen.
"All right, children, we have a lot to do today," Mr. Garrison announced. "First of all, I'd like to welcome a visitor to our class. She'll be here for a week as part of an exchange program between our school and East Park Preparatory School. Please give a warm South Park welcome to Quinn Hart."
The door opened and in walked a pretty blonde girl wearing an East Park Prep uniform. She looked around the classroom, locking eyes with Kate. That was when Kate recognized her; it was the girl who'd tried to attack her at the Little Miss Park County pageant.
"Now, Quinn, I'd like you to sit next to Kyle, okay?"
"Sure thing, Mr. Garrison," Quinn replied, her voice oozing with charm.
"Kyle, raise your hand so Quinn can see you."
Kyle sighed and raised his hand. Quinn flounced over to her seat and gave Kyle a winning smile. She then turned her gaze to Kate and gave her a nasty look.
That had just been the start of Quinn's campaign to discredit Kate. She wormed her way into each of the groups in the school, spreading rumors about the Jersey girl's pageant win and making it believable enough for everyone to think Kate had bribed the judges. You know, except for a few people, like Cartman and his friends. They knew Kate hadn't, since they'd been there, but the rest of the school was fair game for Quinn's poisonous tongue, especially once the rumors changed from the pageant to who Kate had been before South Park.
"There goes the Jersey whore."
"Jesus, what a bitch."
"I heard she's running from her exes and that's why she's here."
All it had taken was one petty bitch for Kate's new life to come crashing down. What made it worse was that Quinn was going after Kate herself. She constantly tried to get Kate's attention, but the brunette ignored the stereotype and walked away each time.
"You can't ignore me forever, bitch," Quinn sneered. She threw a textbook at Kate, who dodged it. Unfortunately, it hit Kenny in the face and broke his neck with the force. He laid on the floor, bleeding out as he died.
"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!" Stan yelled at Quinn.
"YOU BASTARD!" added Kyle. Kate stood over Kenny's body, shocked, as rats began swarming.
"That could've been you," Quinn told Kate.
"Look, Quinn, I asked you to leave me alone," Kate sighed, already forgetting that Kenny had died. "Why are you bugging me?"
"Because I don't tolerate girls who fake their way through pageants, win the crown, and completely ignore the true winner!"
"I didn't fake my way through the pageant."
"Puh-lease! The whole 'people who are horrible behind closed doors are the worst kind of people' thing was so rehearsed!"
"Rehearsed?!"
"Yeah!"
"So abusers aren't the worst kind of people?"
"No, obviously the worst kind of person is a murderer!"
"So what about abusers? What about when they hurt their partners so much that they drive them away and force their child to grow up on the road, unable to have a permanent home until the parent gives them up?"
"Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a river, road baby! All you were back then and all you are now is a fake-ass, freckle-faced, Jersey Shore wannabe bitch-whore!"
"OOH!" the gathering crowd yelled.
"Get away from me, you walking one-dimensional bleach-blonde valley girl stereotype."
"OOH!"
"Ha! As if you can take me, you little skank. Let's see you try."
"Fine." Kate's voice held no anger. She was strangely calm, and her voice had a chilly tone that made almost everyone shudder in fear. "Meet me at the U-Stor-It after school at four. We'll settle this there."
"Fine! Hope you have your plastic surgeon on speed dial!"
Quinn flicked her hair and walked away. Kate flipped her off.
"Holy shit," Cartman whispered. "Quinn's gonna die."
"What?" Kyle asked, confused. "Kate didn't sound that mad."
"You don't know her, Kyel. Not like I do. When Kate gets like that, she'll be out for blood. Just ask poor Clyde Frog."
"She ripped your toy?"
"No, she tore his limbs to shreds and burned what was left."
"HOLY FUCK!"
"I know."
"We should take bets!" Clyde suggested. "Kate or Quinn? Who is the true queen at our school?"
"I vote Kate," Cartman said, handing over twenty bucks. "My sister doesn't fuck around if she wants to hurt you."
"I'm voting for Quinn," Craig butted in. "She sounded serious."
"Quinn's a rumor-mongering bitch," Stan decided. "Kate's got my vote."
What about poor Kenny? He has to miss the fight because of Quinn.
Well, he would have, if he hadn't gone to Hell. When that textbook killed him, he wound up falling down the pit to the gates of Hell, where Kimmy happened to be working that day. She was checking off each entrant: murderers, thieves, drug addicts…
"Oh, hey, Kenny," she greeted him. She was in her demon form, including red skin and horns. "Lemme guess. You died at school."
"(Yep.)"
"How?"
"(Quinn Hart accidentally threw a textbook in my face and broke my neck. I died right at Kate's feet.)" He gasped. "(Shit. Kate. Kimmy, Kate's having some trouble.)
"What kind of trouble?"
"(Quinn Hart, the transfer student from East Park Prep, is super pissed at Kate for beating her in a beauty pageant, and she's been spreading rumors about Kate. The textbook that killed me was meant for Kate.)"
"WHAT?!" Kimmy's eyes blazed with the fires of Hell behind her. "BEELZEBUB! TAKE OVER! I HAVE A BITCH TO SMACK DOWN AND BURN ON EARTH!"
"Yes, ma'am," a tiny demon agreed.
"Let's go, Kenny. You're coming with me. Nobody remembers you died."
"(As usual.)"
"Sorry, kid. I'll figure out a way to help you one day."
Meanwhile, on Earth, the students of South Park Elementary were eagerly discussing the upcoming fight. Most planned to go, but some were eager to avoid being accomplices to murder. Cartman was trying to dissuade his sister from fighting, but she wasn't having it.
"I'm going to put a stop to her being such a bitch," she snarled. "Quinn needs to be knocked down a few pegs."
"Just try not to get arrested."
"You know the cops ain't gonna do shit, Cartman."
"I know, but I'm the one who's supposed to have the criminal record in this family."
Kate huffed out a groan and headed down the hall.
Four o'clock came and Kate was at the U-Stor-It. She was ready to smack a bitch—specifically, a blonde bitch who thought the world needed to bow to her.
"Oh, you were serious," Quinn laughed as she strolled up. She looked at the nails on her right hand. "And here I thought you were out to prove girls from South Park aren't violent sluts."
"I'm not a violent slut. You're an attention whore who feels the need to validate herself with rumors and winning stupid pageants that don't even matter in the long run." Quinn gasped, offended.
"TAKE THAT BACK!"
"I won't."
Quinn leaped. Unlike their previous encounter at the Little Miss Park County pageant, she managed to grab Kate. Her nails raked down the brunette's arm, leaving deep scratches. Kate punched Quinn in the face, knocking her backwards. Quinn screeched and attacked harder.
"GO, KATE!" Kyle, Stan, and Cartman cheered.
"KILL HER, QUINN!" Craig, Token, and Clyde yelled.
Quinn went for Kate's hair, getting a firm grip as she yanked her to the ground.
Bingo.
Kate swung her legs around in a quick motion, making Quinn lose her grip as she hit the ground. She then landed a blow to Quinn's nose with a loud pop. Quinn started wailing in pain.
"I GIVE UP! YOU WIN! MY NOSE! MY PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL NOSE!"
"Chill, Drama Queen. I just knocked the cartilage out of place. Any doctor can—"
WHAM!
Kate fell backwards, clutching her now-injured eye. Quinn smirked, blood dripping from her nose as she advanced. Kate tried to fight back, but Quinn landed another blow to Kate's abdomen. The brunette coughed up blood, but managed to land a knockout punch to Quinn's temple.
"HOLY SHIT!" the boys screamed.
"Don't fuck with a Cartman, bitch," Kate wheezed before she passed out.
"Kate!" Kyle yelped. "SOMEBODY CALL 911!"
"I've got it," Kimmy said, appearing suddenly in her column of fire with Kenny.
Within a few minutes, Kate and Quinn were both taken away by the ambulance. Kimmy was a little upset that she hadn't gotten to burn Quinn for hurting her friend, but she was more worried that Kate was hurt.
"Hey, Kimmy, why was Kenny with you?" Kyle asked.
"Um… he was in Hell," Kimmy replied. "That's how I knew him the first day we met. I see him in Hell all the time."
"(Not all the time,)" Kenny corrected.
The next day, they found out Quinn had gone back to East Park, and that Kate had a black eye. It was obvious to the students that Kate had won the fight, so her supporters got the results of the bets. Kimmy had gone back to Hell and promised to come visit.
"Hey, great job kicking ass," Cartman complimented his sister at home.
"Thanks, Cartman. Sorry about Clyde Frog. I'll make you a new one."
"As long as you promise never to wail on me like you did with Quinn, we're cool."
"I promise."
"KATHERINE! ERIC! WHY DID I GET A CALL ABOUT A FIGHT WITH A GIRL FROM EAST PARK PREP?!" Liane yelled.
"Oh, shit," the siblings said in unison.
Quinn will return again, but it won't be quite like this. I can promise you this. It's also not going to be for a while.
So long and thanks for all the fish!