Oho! "Mysterion Rises"!
We were in front of the store, selling lemon bars and Kate's fudge. She had offered to make plenty of it, and it was selling, too.
"It's just terrific what you kids are doing," a woman commented as she took some fudge.
"Thank you, ma'am," I replied.
"I'll take twenty bars, you little rascals," a man told us as he handed us twelve dollars. Kate was busy waving people over. At our suggestion, she'd worn her hair in pigtails held up by lavender bows, making her look even cuter than usual. I chose to focus on the task at hand rather than my growing attraction to my partner/female best friend.
"A terrific human-interest story here, Tom," a reporter stated as he stood in front of our booth. "As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little 'superhuman' themselves. They call themselves 'Coon and Friends', and they've been baking and selling lemon bars and fudge to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis."
"We believe that every little bit helps," I told the reporter.
"Their little 'super club' consists of eight young heroes." We each struck a pose as we announced our names.
"Toolshed!"
"The Human Kite!"
"Mysterion."
"Melodyshock!"
"TupperWear!"
"Mosquito!"
"TIMMAH!"
"Mint-Berry Crunch!"
"Melodyshock has also stated that there used to be a hero called 'the Coon' actually in the group, but they had to let him go because he was being, quote, 'a dick'."
"Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves 'Coon and Friends'?" Stan asked me.
"Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that extremely funny," I chuckle.
"My brother's probably never thought about another person in his life if it didn't benefit him," Kate commented, keeping her smile plastered on her face. "God, my cheeks hurt."
"You look pretty when you smile," Kyle told her. She turned bright pink and looked away.
"Support the Gulf!" she called out, glancing at her dwindling fudge levels. Her fudge and the lemon bars had been selling extremely well, so we were close to running out.
"That's about it, superheroes," Clyde announced. "We're almost out of fudge and lemon bars!"
"Then perhaps we should go back to our secret base and make some more!" suggested Stan.
A man approached and Kate slipped behind the table, ducking behind me. I was confused; the only person she'd been afraid of had been her birth father, but she'd faced him down and he was in prison. Then I got a look at the guy. He was smiling creepily and I wanted to hide behind somebody, too.
"I'll take five lemon bars and five pieces of fudge," he said, grabbing the last two bags and handing us six dollars. Kate relaxed and stood up.
"Five of each! Yes, sir!" Clyde told him.
"That's definitely the last of them!" Kyle added.
"You'll never stop him, you know." We all looked at him. Kate gripped my arm.
"Stop who?" Clyde asked, tilting his head.
"The Great One. Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon." He took the bags with him. "Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here!" He walked away, sampling some of Kate's fudge. "Oh, this fudge is really good!"
" 'Necronomicon'?" Stan repeated.
"What's a mythos?" Token inquired.
"I'll tell you later," Kate said, shaking her head. Her pigtails bobbed distractingly.
"We'd better get back to the base," Stan decided.
When we all got back to Kate's house, she was the first to enter the basement. She screamed and I rushed to her side to find our base in ruins.
"CARTMAN DID THIS!" Kyle snarled.
"No," I said as we reached the bottom of the stairs. "Whoever did this was looking for something. It wasn't Cartman; this is his house."
"And I cleared his stuff out," Kate added, picking up her earbuds off the floor.
"Don't anybody move!" a drunken voice slurred. Captain Hindsight came out of the shadows, holding a gun. "So, you're the superheroes who are trying to blackmail me!"
"Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight," stated Stan.
"I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels," Hindsight groaned. "I shoulda just gone to bed last night."
"Um, dude, are you okay?" Captain Hindsight cocked the gun.
"Where are the pictures?!" he yelled. "Give me every copy of the pictures now!"
"P-p-please, sir, we don't know what you mean!" Bradley begged.
"You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love!" He pulled some out of his pocket and Kate's eyes widened.
"Uh-oh," Butters muttered.
"Chaos," sighed Kate, going over to his cage. "Why did you take those pictures?"
"The Coon said he'd let me go if I did 'em, and I've missed four days of school now because I've been here." Kate bit her lower lip and unlocked the cage.
"Go home and lay low for a while," she told him. "If we need you, we'll call."
"Thanks!" Butters ran up the stairs.
"All right, enough!" Hindsight shouted, stomping over to Kate. "What's going on?"
"Leave her alone, Hindsight," I instructed. "She's not your enemy. She was against what our former member, the Coon, did. That isn't Courtney Love; the Coon tricked you!"
"It's not Courtney Love?"
"Please, sir, put down the gun."
"No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?!" I looked to Kate, who mouthed 'I have no idea.'
"Look, dude, we don't need to play superhero anymore," Stan said cautiously. "We can just go home."
"No! Because then I could realize I should've killed you all!" He put the gun to Kate's head. While her face remained calm, I could see the fear in her eyes. Fear is one emotion I never wanted to see her have. I lost it.
"THEN DO IT!" I roared, prying Kate from his grasp and putting my forehead to the barrel of the gun. "PULL THE TRIGGER, HINDSIGHT! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! PULL THE TRIGGER, YOU PUSSY!"
"D-dude, Kenny, chill out!" Kyle tried. Kate was staring at me in shock. It wasn't the first time I'd sacrificed myself for her. I'd told her that the bullet that hit me when her father tried to shoot her was an accident, but in truth, it had been going to hit her. I stepped in front of it because I knew she wouldn't come back if it hit her.
"You guys go; I'll deal with this prick," I declared.
Everyone except Kate left me alone with Hindsight.
"Why isn't she going?" Hindsight asked, pointing at her.
"Because I'm his partner, dumbfuck. I don't ditch my partner," Kate told him.
I wanted to kill her and kiss her at the same time.
In the Gulf, Cthulhu was tearing through civilization like it was made of paper. Cartman climbed up on a roller coaster to try to get the behemoth's attention. He wanted to use him to destroy his enemies: hippies, the Jews, gingers, and, of course, Coon and Friends. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord didn't appear to want anything to do with Cartman and ignored him.
I stood with Kenny and Captain Hindsight in the basement. I'd retrieved my own gun from its hiding spot in the basement and stuck it in the back of my belt as insurance in case things with Hindsight went south. As soon as I'd declared my loyalty to Kenny, Hindsight blinked and broke down. It was a little weird watching a grown man cry on the floor in my basement—at least he wasn't trying to kill himself.
"It doesn't matter," he said, clearing his throat once he'd calmed down. "Even if the pictures are fake, I can't take it anymore." As he talked, he took a swig of his alcohol every so often. He turned away from us. "Do you have any idea what a curse it is to have perfect 20/20 hindsight?! As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could've been avoided. I can't take it anymore!"
I looked at Kenny, who looked surprised at Captain Hindsight's admission.
"People need you, Hindsight," I spoke up.
"Without you, they feel helpless and stupid," Kenny added.
"Well, I don't want the power anymore, all right?!" he snapped. I blinked and reached for my gun. Kenny grabbed my wrist and shook his head before facing Hindsight.
"You think your power's a curse? Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker, because there are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing! Trust me, I know." I looked at him in shock. I knew he was telling the truth whenever he said that he was immortal, but telling somebody we barely knew? That was new for him.
"What is your power?" Hindsight inquired.
"I can't die." He sighed. "I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see Heaven, or Hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes." He turned away from us and I wanted to give him a hug. "And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like, 'Hi, Kenny!', even if they saw me get decapitated before their own eyes." He turned back to Hindsight. "You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy."
After that, Hindsight left me and Kenny alone in the basement. Kenny was staring at the floor, the awkward silence filling the room as I opened and closed my mouth, not knowing what the fuck to say. He'd just revealed that he thought his power was a curse. In a way, I understood being cursed with something awful that you couldn't control; after all, Mike Silverton was my father and Eric Cartman was my brother.
Screw it.
I ran forwards and hugged Kenny from behind.
"Kate?!" he yelped, dropping the Mysterion voice. "W-what the hell are you d-doing?!"
"You needed a hug," I stated firmly. "Don't deny it."
"Let go," he grumbled. I did, reluctantly, and he turned to face me. He then wrapped his arms around me and I reciprocated the action. "Kate, you are the best goddamn partner I could have asked for."
"Same to you."
"I need to think," he declared. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye, Kenny." He let go and I watched him disappear down the street once I followed him upstairs.
I spent my night deep in thought. Even if my power was a curse, I wasn't alone. Kate had my back. I didn't want to drag her into this, but it seemed like she was jumping in after me headfirst. I was still wondering what was up with that hug and my powers when I went to Clyde's the next morning. Everyone else was already there, except Kate, who arrived after I did.
"Take the bed," Clyde offered. "Our lady deserves the finest seat."
"Okay, since when are we in the Dark Ages?" she laughed nervously.
"You're our only female member and you and Mysterion are calling the shots now," Stan explained. "You're basically one of our leaders, and the leaders get the best stuff." He looked at me. "It's open to you, too."
"Thanks, but I'll stand," I replied.
"All right, superheroes! Time to find out more about this Necronomicon thing! Based off Kate's message this morning, a mythos is a mythology, so that helps clear that up."
"Every culture in the world has a mythos," Kate added.
"Here we go!" Kyle announced. " 'The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them.' "
" 'It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu.' "
"A-ha!" Bradley piped up. "That's the cult the creepy man talked about. Uh, you okay, Mysterion?" I realized they were all staring at me.
"I'm fine."
"Ten arrested in South Park for cult activity," Kate read aloud. "Jeez, this is like, from ten years ago."
"So these people have been preparing for Cthulhu for a long time…" I muttered.
"There's a picture. Make it bigger, Human Kite!"
"Whoa, dude! Mysterion, it's your parents!"
That caught my attention.
"Uh, what?" I asked, going over to the monitor. On the screen was a picture of my mother—heavily pregnant, I might add, probably with me—and my father in handcuffs. "What the fuck?!" My disguised voice dropped for a second, but I cleared my throat. "Uh, I mean, what the fuck?!"
"Clyde!" Mrs. Donovan called through the door. "I told you to take out the trash this morning!"
"Uh…" Clyde pulled off his mosquito nose. "Right away, Mom!" He put it back on and rolled his eyes. "Nag, nag, nag!"
"Listen to your mom, dude, unless you want to become Cartman," Kate chided him.
"Fine."
Meanwhile, in the Gulf, Cartman managed to get through to Cthulhu, who agreed to help him destroy everything. Yeah, not interested in that for now. Let's get back to the cult business.
"You're hogging it all, asshole!" Mom snapped at Dad. Great, they were smoking something. I hoped it was marijuana and not crack or meth.
"'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch!" Dad growled.
"You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden!" I could hear them fighting inside, so I hopped up on the windowsill. Dad pushed Mom off him.
"I told you to shut up!"
"Give it to me, you prick!" She looked over to see me on the windowsill and he noticed, too. "AGH!" Both of them fell off the bed and stared up at me in fear. "Oh, God, he's back! It's that mystery kid again!"
"Uh, what the hell do you want this time?" I fixed them with a disapproving stare; it only ever worked on them when I was in costume as Mysterion. "Hey look, we did what you asked. W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much."
"And we gave our sons allowances and stopped getting high every night," Mom added. Dad chucked the joint into a corner, hoping I hadn't noticed it.
"I'm not here about that," I told them.
"Oh. S-so, what's this about?" Dad asked.
"Ten years ago, you were arrested for being in some sort of cult." Mom looked at Dad.
"We were?" she asked, confused.
"We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio," Dad said.
"Mysterion," I corrected. "What is the Cult of Cthulhu?"
"Oh, that thing. Look, we were never members; we just went because they offered free beer at their meetings, so we'd go."
"What happened at the meetings?" I pressed.
"Trust us, we don't remember. We were really drunk the entire time, if you can believe that."
"I don't find it hard to."
"I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings since, even though we get invited all the time," Mom assured me.
"These people still meet? Where?"
"Where they always did," Dad sighed. "Jim McElroy's house."
"They used to meet every Friday night," Mom added. "I think they still do."
Satisfied that my parents weren't useless for once, I jumped down from the sill and disappeared into the night.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtgan."
"The Old One has awakened!" declared their leader, throwing back his hood. It was the creepy man from earlier. "A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well, for all our South Park Cthulhu members, old and new, it is time to par-tay!"
We sat outside, listening to everything that was being said. Kate had lowered a small microphone into the room and hooked it up so we could hear them clearly. She looked alarmed.
"It sounds like some kind of commencement," she whispered.
"There must be clubs like this all over the world!" I hissed.
"We know some of those people!" Stan gasped. "There's Mr. Adler from shop class, and those two geeky computer guys!"
"Oh my God, look!" Kyle whispered. "Back row. Aren't those the Goth Kids?!"
"Shush!" Kate ordered, listening again.
"I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists," Pete commented.
"Yeah," Michael agreed. "I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel."
"Dude, why would the Goth Kids worship Cthulhu?" Stan asked.
"Makes sense," I replied. "Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth."
"Will you all shut up so I can hear?!" Kate snapped in a low tone. The anger in her voice did not match her appearance, so I was trying hard not to laugh.
"Now let us read from the Necronomicon," the creepy guy continued. Kate leaned in closer. " 'That which is not dead can eternal lie, and with strange aeons…"
" '…even Death may die,' " the followers finished. My eyes widened as I ran off, and I didn't notice that Kate went after me immediately.
"Kenny," she said, getting my attention. I whipped around to see her standing right behind me. She was biting her lip.
"What?" I asked.
"I think… I think this cult has something to do with your powers. Wasn't your mom, like, super pregnant when she got arrested for being in the cult? Which of her kids would she have been pregnant with? Why did they offer free beer and continue letting known drunks attend their meetings?"
"You think it had something to do with me?"
"What if it was like an Antichrist type deal? They wanted a vessel, a baby."
That made sense, but I needed to talk to some of the members. The Goth Kids were the best option, so we'd talk to them. I then realized Kate was still talking.
"Of course, there's already an Antichrist. His name's Damien and he's our age. Kimmy's nephew."
"Princess, we need to talk to the Goth Kids."
"Oh, right. Sorry. Got sidetracked." Her mind seemed to be elsewhere. "I'm just worried about Cartman."
"What? Why are you worried about that fatass?"
"He… he's been missing for a few days now. He may be a dick and the embodiment of everything wrong with humanity, but he's still my brother."
"We'll find him," I promised her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "I promise."
"Okay. Let's go find the Goth Kids."
We followed the Goth Kids to a dark alleyway, where we could hear their conversation from where we were hiding.
"Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school?" Pete asked, kicking a can.
"No, assmunch," Michael snorted. God, were all guys named Michael or Mike such assholes? "Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness."
"Good, because if I had to go to PE again, I was gonna kill myself." Kate and I took that as a signal and jumped into their path. "Who the f'ing H are they?"
"What does it mean?" I asked. " 'That which is not dead can eternal lie'?"
" 'And with strange aeons, even Death may die,' " Michael finished.
"What does it mean?" Kate coaxed.
"It means everything is going to be black and awesome forever, like a Nine-Inch Nails concert that never ends," Pete explained. Kate rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, so go home and put your underwear on right, you poser," Michael snapped at me. I was about to punch him until Kate grabbed my arm and shook her head. She was right. This was not a battle we needed to fight.
"You're going to tell us everything you know," she told Michael, crossing her arms. Firkle (the tiniest goth) pulled out a switchblade.
"Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now!" he declared. "All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck."
"Dude, that kid is hardcore goth," Michael marveled proudly. Henrietta and Pete nodded in agreement.
I grabbed Kate and put her behind me, acting as her human shield.
"Dude!" she squeaked.
"You aren't going to touch her," I snapped.
"The child is right, you know," a voice said. The creepy guy and one of his lackeys came around the corner and faced us. "Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Come give us a hand."
"What?! Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody," Pete insisted, backing away.
"We're dark lord minions now, wuss," Michael snorted. "What did you think we'd be doing?"
"Ugh, whatevs." We were trapped, but I made sure Kate stayed behind me.
Suddenly, we heard a buzzing noise above; it was the rest of our team!
"Let them go!" Clyde declared. Kate shook her head.
"Not the time for a roll call, guys!" she called. They looked disappointed, but while they were distracted, the cult leader snatched the switchblade from Firkle and stabbed me. Kate screamed as the cult members fled, cradling my head as I bled out.
"Ha, not the worst way to go," I croaked to her. "At least you're here…"
"Kenny!" she wailed. I could hear Stan talking.
"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!"
"YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle added. I could feel myself fading, and Kate's tears on my cheeks.
I woke up in bed, a knocking at my door. Stan and the others rushed in, fully costumed. Kate's skirt still had small traces of blood on it.
"Dude, why'd you run away?" Stan asked me. Kate was just looking around my room, obviously disgusted by the state of it. Then again, she lived with Cartman, so it couldn't have been that bad.
"Yeah, c'mon!" Kyle added. "Get your costume on, lazyass!"
Everybody ran out, except Kate.
"You died, didn't you?" she whispered.
"(Yeah,)" I replied. She shook her head.
"The blood was in my skirt this morning. I vaguely remembered you bleeding out on me. Kenny, that was terrifying."
"(I'm sorry, Princess.)" I gave her a gentle hug.
"Just promise me you'll be more careful."
"(I promise.)"
Whoo! "Mysterion Rises" is finished!
Yay!
That is probably the longest chapter of the story so far. I didn't include Cthulhu very much, but he'll be here. Also, yes, Kate still cares about Cartman. He's her adoptive brother, even if he is a dick. Don't forget to vote in the poll!
So long and thanks for all the fish!