Final chapter of the Coon arc, baby! WHOOP!

Warning: lots of first-person Kenny and Kate, like most of the other chapters in this arc. Kenny is my favorite character, in case you didn't notice. Little confession: the real Kimmy got pissed when she found out about the love triangle because she wanted me to put her character with Kenny. Sorry, Kimmy! So far, there's two votes for Kenny and two votes for Kyle.

OWTF!

"Yeah, but what's your power?" Stan asked Bradley. I was absentmindedly using Cartman's Chipotle-Away on the bloodstains in my skirt. I had discovered that it worked on more than just underwear; I used it on all sorts of stains. It was a multi-use product.

"The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying but tasty crunch!" he replied.

"…Nah, see, that's the problem, dude," Stan sighed, shaking his head. "That's not really a power. I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly—"

"And I have laser eyes!" Kyle added.

"And laser eyes, Melodyshock has powerful speakers and encyclopedic knowledge of music, and Mysterion can…" He looked at Kenny. "Wait, Mysterion, what is your power?"

"I can't die," he replied gruffly. I felt my heart tighten at his tone.

The day before, he'd been stabbed by the leader of the South Park branch of the Cult of Cthulhu. He had died in my arms, bleeding out all over my skirt. After that was a little foggy, I think because nobody usually remembered his deaths. We'd gone to his house that morning, blood still staining the fabric of my skirt, and found him perfectly fine. It was as if he'd never been stabbed. That was when I knew he wasn't making it up, and I remembered his previous two deaths, too. Quinn and my dad being the causes. The textbook. The bullet. He took them for me on purpose.

"Oh, yeah, good one!" Stan told Kenny. "Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible—"

"No, Stan! I'm being serious! I really, really can't die!" Kenny snapped. I bit my lip. I knew how much it killed him inside to keep it all to himself.

"… what?"

"Like last night, in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled out all over Kate! And you screamed 'oh my God' and called him a bastard!"

"When was that?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.

"All the time! I die all the time and you assholes never remember! Except for Kate, nobody remembers!"

"I think we'd remember something like that!" Stan scoffed.

"Well, you don't! I die over and over and wake up in my bed like nothing ever happened."

"Dude, you're scaring Mint-Berry Crunch," Stan sighed. "He's peed his pants." Bradley crossed his legs, trying to hide the fact he'd peed his pants.

"Mint-Berry Crunch does not pee his pants!" he whimpered.

"I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys," Kenny muttered.

"Okay, let's say it's true and you're not crazy," Kyle told him. "What's the big deal? I think it'd be pretty cool to not be able to die."

"PRETTY COOL?!" Kenny exploded. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE STABBED?! TO BE SHOT?! DECAPITATED?! TORN APART?! RUN OVER?!"

"Kenny, calm down," Stan tried, but Kenny shook his head.

"It's not 'pretty cool', Kyle. It fucking hurts. And it won't go away, and nobody except Kate will believe me." He grabbed my gun off the table and held it to his head. "Try and remember this time! Try and fucking remember!"

"Kenny!" I yelled, grabbing for my gun, but it was too late.

BANG!

He collapsed, a bloody hole in the side of his head. It wasn't the first time I'd seen him die, but it was the first time he'd killed himself in front of me.

"Oh my God!" Stan yelped. "Holy shit, dude!"

Everyone started freaking out except me.

"You promised, dumbass," I whispered as Bradley ran out of the basement.

I'm going to murder you.

A few hours later, Kenny showed up, completely fine.

"Hey, I'm back," he greeted me. I backhanded him across the cheek. "OW! GODDAMMIT, KATE!"

"YOU PROMISED, FUCKWAD!" I snapped. "DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"

"Sorry." He stared at his feet.

"Just… promise not to do that again. I hated it."

"Only if you promise not to forget."

"If you guys are done with your little lovefest, we need you in the basement," Kyle grumbled. I nodded. As soon as the rats had shown up, it was as if Kenny's body had never been there. Nobody remembered.

"We're coming," I sighed.

We began discussing what to do next to help out. Kenny gave me a look before sighing.

"None of you remember me shooting myself in the head earlier, do you?" he asked.

"What?" Stan asked. Everybody started talking about things me and Kenny didn't really care about.

"Hey, guys," an all-too-familiar-yet-obnoxious voice greeted us from the top of the stairs. I leapt to my feet. "What's going on?" It was Cartman!

"Go away, Cartman," Stan snarled. "We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember?"

"No. I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable." I narrowed my eyes; he was up to something. Cartman never acted apologetic.

"You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Kate, Clyde, and Bradley for no reason!"

"No, you're right. For no reason. Clearly, something is wrong with me. But guys, what should I do?"

"You should fuck off, that's what you should do," Kyle snapped. Cartman's expression changed and I knew something was up.

"Hmm. Well, I just wanted to say you guys were right. Bye now." He turned to leave but faced us again. "Oh, and there's a double rainbow outside."

That was unexpected. Bradley rushed outside to see it, and we were all curious.

What we found was nothing.

Cartman had tricked us, and Cthulhu sent us to a dark dimension. Before he could, though, Bradley made a break for it, abandoning us. We were helpless as the dark energy surrounded us.

"Dude, where the fuck are we?" Stan asked, looking around. I felt a feeling of déjà vu.

"I don't know, but I feel like… I've… been here before," I replied. A huge butterfly-like creature flew out of the bushes, straight for us.

"OH, SHIT!" Stan yelled as we all started running from it. Kate had her speakers out and was blasting every obnoxious genre of music she could think of, but it wasn't working. We reached a cliff and the creature vanished.

"We aren't going that way," Kyle panted.

"You guys, I wanna go home," Clyde whimpered. Kate patted his back.

"We all wanna go home, Clyde. We're just not going to last long out here."

"Look, maybe we should just find a place to hide and wait for help."

"What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here!" An idea formed in my head. It was risky, but it just might save our asses.

"You guys find a place to hide for as long as you can," I instructed. "I'll try and find help."

I had to break my promise again. Kate got my meaning and pulled Clyde away from the cliff. I didn't want to regret anything if this didn't work, so I grabbed her by the wrist.

"Kenny, what are you—" she began, but I cut her off by pressing my lips to hers. She was wearing minty lip balm, and it made her lips incredibly soft. I liked the way they tasted and felt, but it wasn't the time to have a massive make-out session with the girl who might be my girlfriend.

"No regrets," I told her once I pulled away. "I love you, Kate, and I'm sorry."

"KENNY!" she screamed as I took a running leap off the cliff. I landed in the pit of spikes below.

"OW!" I screamed in pain. "THAT FUCKING HURTS!"

I felt the world around me fade and go dark.

"OH MY GOD!" Stan yelled. "KENNY!"

"You crazy bastard," Kyle muttered, looking at me. I touched my lips where Kenny had kissed me.

"No regrets," I whispered. The others turned away from the edge as Kenny's body vanished. I felt like crying. This wasn't like the other times. We weren't in South Park. He might not come back.

I started bawling like a baby and Kyle noticed

"Kate, what's wrong?" he asked, putting an arm around me.

"Kenny," I sniffed.

"Kenny ditched us, Kate. He's not here." He shook his head in anger. "That bastard. I'm not going to leave the team alone like that."

"I know." I looked back at the cliff. "No regrets, right?" I wiped my eyes as Kyle led me towards the others. He liked me; I could tell, and I liked him back. But…

I think I love you, too, Kenny.

Just like I hoped, I woke up in my bed in South Park. I checked myself up and down, making sure I was all there. I could still somewhat taste Kate's minty lip balm on my lips, and that was when I knew it was real. I rushed to get my costume on and get out of the house. I'd catch hell from Kate once she was home, but she'd be safe and I'd have actually kissed her. I needed to talk to the Goth Kids again and figure out how to bring Kate and the others home.

They were at Henrietta's house. I sat on a branch outside her window and listened to their conversation.

"This freaking sucks!" one of the ones I didn't know complained. "We worshipped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking gay."

"I thought when Cthulhu rose from the dead, all was going to be darkness and pain," Pete sighed. "I thought at least school would be cancelled."

"How do I fight him?" I asked. They all turned to look at me.

"Oh, great," Michael muttered. "It's Underwear Boy again."

"That god you pray to just took away all my friends," I snapped, thinking of Kate.

"Not our god," Pete snorted. "He promised if we worshipped him, everything would change, but instead, we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes." He took a drag of his cig as he paused. "It's like Obama all over again."

"How do I fight him?!" I repeated.

"Cthulhu isn't living or dead, alright?" Pete sighed.

"Tell me what that means!"

Before he could answer, Mrs. Biggle appeared in the doorway, insisting Henrietta let her little brother play with her. It turned out Henrietta's little brother was Bradley, who ran away as soon as he saw me. Henrietta, evidently hoping to avoid her mom, pulled out a copy of the Necronomicon.

"Alright, look, the Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them," she began. I saw a couple illustrations of a prince interacting with an Old One.

"Old Ones?" I inquired, feeling a little confused.

"Deities that existed before man," Michael clarified. Maybe he wasn't a dick.

"It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And in another dimension," Henrietta added, showing me another illustration, this one of the place where the others were trapped.

"That's it!" I declared. "That's where I just was!"

"You've been to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh?!" Michael gasped.

"Lucky!" Pete whined.

"Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years, cultists have tried to bring them into our world," Henrietta continued.

"And what about Cthulhu's power?" I pressed. "Why can't Old Ones die?"

"The only thing that can destroy an immortal is another immortal."

Suddenly, I realized what she was saying. Either I had to destroy Cthulhu, or he would destroy me. And I wouldn't come back. It was my way out. Kate had said my powers might be connected to the cult somehow, and she could be right.

Kate…

Before I could do anything, Bradley burst in, dressed as Mint-Berry Crunch, ready to help. I excused myself from the room and headed down the street, only for Bradley to catch up with me and insist upon helping me.

We arrived at a stadium, where Cartman and Cthulhu had just killed Justin Beiber. Normally, I'd be pissed that Cartman had succeeded, but it was Justin Beiber. I was indifferent. Still, he had to be stopped.

"Hey, fat boy!" I yelled. Cartman stared at me in shock.

"Kenny?! What the hell?! I sent you to the—"

"To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars!" I finished, good and pissed as I approached him. "You little fucking prick! What is wrong with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends and his sister?!"

"It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!"

"You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!"

That quickly escalated as we found out Bradley actually had powers! He managed to take down Cthulhu and bring everyone back from R'Lyeh, including a Kate who looked like she'd spent most of her time there crying.

"Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mint-Berry Crunch," Stan sighed.

"Oh no, we worked as a team," Bradley insisted. "All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP-DP oil crisis!"

Cartman was in the cage we'd kept Butters in for so long. Right where he belonged, behind bars. Kenny was stupid again and shot himself in the head rather than walking home.

That night, Kenny and I met up for patrol. He was perfectly fine, and that made me a little angry.

"Kenny McCormick, you are so frustrating," I informed him, crossing my arms.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't have any other way back."

"I know, but we could've at least coordinated that better."

"I'm sorry I kissed you." My eyes widened.

"No! It's not about the kiss!" My cheeks burned with embarrassment. "It's about you randomly killing yourself instead of walking home like a normal person!"

"Look, Kate, I was exhausted. I wouldn't have made it home without dying in the snow. By killing myself, I made the process quicker and I got home safely."

"You could've spent the night."

"I know…"

Awkward silence.

"I liked kissing you, you know," he said, clearing his throat. "Your lips taste and feel good."

"And… I don't know how I feel about you, Kenny, but I do like the way you kiss. The only other boy I've ever kissed was Kyle, remember?"

"Let me guess: you still like him."

"I like him, I like you; I don't know who to pick."

"I'm not going to pressure you to pick me. Just… listen to your heart."

I smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

Unfortunately, I forgot we were on a rooftop and Kenny fell off, being startled by my display of affection.

Just another day in South Park…

Yes, Kenny and Kate kissed. Poor little Katherine; she's so confused. The boys know what they want. You guys decide what she wants. I'll try to write more chemistry between Kyle and Kate. Vote in the poll if you haven't already!

So long and thanks for all the fish!