So a common request I've been getting is to write chapters based off The Stick of Truth and The Fractured But Whole. I've been wanting to do them for a while, so the asks were the perfect opportunity.
Originally, I wasn't going to write them until after the Kenny-Kyle poll ended, because Kate would logically side with whoever she was dating (unless it was Kyle in The Fractured But Whole, because she's Mysterion's partner, not Human Kite's.) Then I came up with a way with her to be a neutral party in both cases. She's like the New Kid, except she knows the people she's playing with very well. She knows Cartman doesn't play fair, and that the others won't either. She also knows my version of the New Kid (it's a kid-raised-on-the-run thing; they were bound to have crossed paths once or twice) and wants them to be a neutral party like her.
That being said, my version of the New Kid is a girl named Mikayla. She goes by the nickname "Mickey" (which is also my mother's nickname, oddly enough) and is viewed as male due to her preference of boy's clothing. I've said enough for now.
Oh, wait! This chapter details the Kate section of my version of The Stick of Truth, since I don't have the time or patience to go through the game's script. Not only that, but it will only go into detail on scenes I found amazingly awesome, like the battle against Kenny at Clyde's fortress. Kate will have a big role and a few key scenes. This includes her meeting Mickey again, so don't judge it too harshly.
Bold Italics=Facebook Message from Mickey
OWTF!
Mickey walked through town, still trying to figure out her place in everything that was going on. As much as she hated Cartman and wanted to side with Kyle and the Elves, there were a couple humans she actually felt like she could be friends with: Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott Malkinson, Token… It was a hard choice. Even Kenny seemed like somebody she wanted on her side, but Kyle, Stan, and Jimmy were good guys. She sighed and sat on a doorstep in an alley. She wasn't ready to choose, but time was running out. She only had until the end of the day.
What should I do?
She remembered something both Butters and Jimmy had mentioned, about a neutral party in their game who was difficult to find. According to them, this neutral party was both oracle and mercenary, taking the side of whoever they felt like at the time. They were powerful and unpredictable, an ally both sides coveted and feared. If anybody would help Mickey make her choice, it was the Mercenary Oracle. They could look to the future and see both outcomes, or even team up with her and whichever side they picked.
Yeah. The Mercenary Oracle. I'll find them.
"Oh my God—Mickey?!"
Mickey jerked her head up at the familiar voice. She knew that voice. It was Kate Meyercheck, a girl who had also grown up moving from town to town. Sure enough, the brunette was standing over her, a shocked expression on her face.
"It is you!" she sighed happily. "I can't believe you're in South Park!" Mickey gave her a look, confused as to why she was there. "I moved here a few months ago. Judging by your costume, the guys roped you into our game, didn't they?"
Mickey nodded, her strawberry blonde curls bouncing from where they didn't quite fit under her hat.
"Figures."
Mickey's phone buzzed with a friend request. The name was 'Kate Cartman'. She snapped her head up and stared at Kate in shock before sending a Facebook message.
'Cartman'? As in, the Wizard King?
"Yeah, it's a long story. Short version: my birth mom sent me to South Park so I could have a steady home and I got adopted by her old friend, Liane Cartman. The 'Wizard King' is my brother as a result." She tapped her chin. "Wait, you looked like you were facing a tough decision. What's wrong?"
I have to choose a side: Humans or Elves. I have until sundown. I was hoping to find the Mercenary Oracle to help me, but I don't know how.
Kate looked around. Not seeing anybody else around, she grabbed Mickey's hand.
"Come with me. I can help you."
Not having any other options, Mickey scrambled to her feet and followed the other girl. Kate led Mickey to Cartman's house, where they went upstairs instead of into the backyard. Thankfully, none of the Humans spotted either of them. In Kate's room, Mickey was sat in the desk chair while Kate shut herself in the closet. When she came back out, she was in a costume for the game.
"I'm the Mercenary Oracle," she said, grabbing a brush. She brushed out her hair, making it smooth and shiny. Instead of putting it in its usual side ponytail, she kept it out of her face with a headband before putting it in a side braid. She looked very much the part of a warrior girl. Mickey pulled her phone back out and started texting.
I have a problem. I was hoping you could help me.
"You said you had to pick a side? I almost did, too. Then I thought it'd be more fun to fuck with everybody by being unpredictable."
Help me! I can't decide who to pick!
"You see, that's where it gets simple. Don't."
What?
"Instead of picking a side for real, be in the middle and pretend to side with somebody. Something bad is happening with the Stick, and I need to figure out what it is. I have a plan, though, so you actually came at the right time."
What's the plan?
Kate pulled a whiteboard out of the closet and began drawing. When she finished, there was a diagram of the school and a bunch of warriors.
"Okay. So, my plan required two people, which is perfect since I have you. One of us—" she drew a picture of a stick figure with a braid "—joins the Elves, and the other joins the Humans." She added a curly-haired stick figure. "We'll fight to get to our classroom, and then we'll take down the leaders. I don't want to hurt Kyle, but all's fair in love and war. Anyway, once we take them down, you and I take the Stick and keep it safe until the boys get bored. Which, if I know them, will only take a week once the Stick is in my possession. They all know better than to touch my shit."
You scare me a little.
"Mickey, I scare everybody a little. So, are you in?"
Yeah. I like your plan.
"Now, which side do you want to take?"
I want to say the Elves, but I don't want to hurt Butters, Token, Tweek, Craig, or Kenny.
"Makes sense. I wanted to side with the Humans, anyway, so you can take the Elves, okay?"
Okay. I trust you.
That evening, Mickey walked up to the school with the Elves behind her. Like the Humans, the Elves had no idea she was actually a girl. She felt like the only girl they allowed in the game was Kate, and that was only because they were most likely afraid of the consequences if they didn't. One of the Elves blew the horn of battle, and the Humans prepared to defend the school.
Inside, fighting the Humans turned out to be easy. She suspected Kate was calling the shots, as opposed to Cartman. She'd listen to Kate over Cartman any day. Still, Kate didn't make it too easy, and she still ended up with a few injuries before she arrived at the classroom. Kate and Cartman arrived at the same time.
"Oh, fuck no!" Kyle snapped, pointing at Cartman and Kate. "You did not convince her to fight against me!"
"No, she decided on her own, Kyel," Cartman replied smugly. "I guess she prefers Kinney. Or she just has a fucking brain. She knows you wouldn't hurt her if your life depended on it."
Kate bit her thumb, which was the agreed-upon signal to attack. Quickly, she swept Cartman's legs out from under him, making him fall to the floor with a thud. Mickey did the same to Kyle, who Kate quickly pinned to the floor.
"Is it weird I've had dreams about this?" Kyle laughed nervously. Kate rolled her eyes.
"Get the Stick," she ordered Mickey.
"What the fuck, Kate?!" whined Cartman.
"I'm sick of all the fighting," she snapped at him. "I asked Mickey to help me end it."
"Wait, your name's Mickey?" Kyle asked, looking at the curly-haired girl.
"That's not the point, Kyle," Kate said, before looking at the desks. "Wait, something's wrong."
"You're damn right something's wrong!" Cartman wheezed, struggling to his feet. "I just got my ass handed to me by my little sister!"
"No, not that. That's normal. What I mean is that our desks don't have insides—they only have tabletops." She got off Kyle and went over to the desks. Her gaze landed on one of them. "Clyde's desk says something." She tilted her head to see it better. " 'Check my locker.' Oh, shit."
After helping Cartman and Kyle up, they ran out of the room to Clyde's locker, where Kate opened it without any issue. They were greeted by a laptop that contained a video message. The message basically said, 'Fuck you guys. I have the Stick and you can all suck my balls.'
"MOTHERFUCKER!" cursed Cartman.
At Clyde's, they found a massive Fortress of Darkness, which was populated by various kids Mickey didn't recognize. Clyde himself was standing with a smug expression, his gaze traveling from person to person until Kate.
"Clyde, you butt-fucker!" yelled Cartman. "What the fuck are you doing?!"
"I'm taking my rightful place as the dark ruler of the universe," replied Clyde. He pointed to Kate with the Stick of Truth. "And I want a queen to go with it."
"She wouldn't even be queen of the Elves!" Kyle snapped. "What makes you think she'd be your 'dark queen'?!"
"Because he's on a serious power trip and needs somebody to smack him back down to Earth," Kate sighed in frustration. "I'm still not doing it."
"Suit yourself, baby!" Clyde called. "You'll miss out on all this!" He gestured to himself.
"I'll live, thanks."
"Besides, you're too late!"
Before anybody knew what was happening, they realized that they were out past their bedtime. Kate and Cartman ran for home, their mother rushing after them, chiding them for being out so late. Even Mickey's parents showed up to drag their daughter home.
The next day, Mickey went to Kyle's house, where Kate was in the front row waiting for her.
"Hey, Mick," the brunette greeted her. "Saved you a seat!"
Mickey took the seat, and she could feel everybody's eyes on her. She slid down in her seat.
"Dude, you fucked up," Cartman sneered from Mickey's other side. Kate got out of her chair and made a fist.
"You wanna repeat that, fatboy?" she asked.
"No, ma'am!" he whimpered.
Thanks, Kate.
"You're welcome, Mick."
Kyle got up in front of the crowd and began talking about Clyde's fortress of darkness. Cartman made fun of him for using PowerPoint and an argument broke out when Kyle declared that their two factions would have to join forces in order to kick Clyde's ass. It escalated quickly, and Mickey could tell Kate was getting agitated. When Kyle got off the platform in the front to get in Cartman's face, Kate got out of her chair and stood on the platform in Kyle's place before she let out a loud whistle by sticking two fingers in her mouth. That got everybody's attention.
"WILL YOU ALL FUCKING LISTEN?!" she yelled, her voice reaching every person there. The boys stopped fighting and stared. "There. Listen. Clyde is deciding to be a dick and we need to kick his ass before this escalates. You all saw what that green stuff can do. If we don't do something, all of South Park is going to become Nazi Zombie capital of the world and the start of something much worse."
"And what are you suggesting?" Cartman asked his sister.
"We'll storm the fortress and take Clyde down."
"Right," Kyle agreed, coming up next to her. "We'll recruit more factions to help—the Pirates, the Federation, and… the Girls."
"The Girls are not going to fucking play with us, Kyel!" snapped Cartman.
"Maybe not, but the New Kid has a power we have yet to understand." He gestured to Mickey. "He makes friends on Facebook faster than anyone we've ever seen."
"He is really good at making Facebook friends, I'll give him that."
"So, New Kid, do you accept your task? Recruit the Girls and bring them here."
Mickey gulped and nodded, realizing she was in over her head.
"Good. Kate, go with him."
"Okay," the freckle-faced girl replied.
"Oh, and, uh… be safe."
"Kyle, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."
"Don't be afraid to ask for help."
"Kyle—"
"And—"
Kate gave him a hug, which shut him right up long enough for her and Mickey to get out of there. They headed off to meet with the girls and learned of the whole 'Monica-Ryland-is-a-two-faced-bitch' thing. Mickey gave Kate an odd look.
"And this is why I hang out with the boys—too much drama here," Kate whispered.
"Kate, would you and Mickey be willing to help us?" Wendy asked. "He can pretend—"
"She," corrected Kate. "Mickey is a girl."
"Oh. Can she still help with the Monica Ryland situation?"
"We both can."
"We're going to need somebody to go undercover and pretend to be Bebe's long-distance boyfriend. You know anybody?"
"Kenny or Kyle should work. Probably Kenny."
What about me?
"You're super important. If this goes south, we need somebody who can… bounce back."
Mickey had no idea what Kate was talking about, but they called Kenny anyway.
"(You owe me, Princess,)" he told Kate. She laughed.
"Ugh," Bebe grumbled. "Is he really all we have to work with?"
"Kenny, hood," Kate said.
"(Oh, right.)" Kenny loosened his hood and pulled it off his head, revealing his face and messy blonde hair to the assembled girls. Several of them gasped and started giggling and whispering. Kate rolled her eyes.
"We'll see you later, Kenny," she called as she pushed Mickey out the door.
They set up camp at the playground, where the other girls soon arrived with a made-over Kenny in tow. Somehow, the Girls had tamed Kenny's wild blonde hair and it called attention to his baby blues. Kate got a weird look on her face and Mickey pinched her friend's elbow.
Focus, Buttercup.
"Right. Kenny, if Monica tries anything, we'll rush in and stop it before it goes too far, okay?"
"You got it, Princess," he replied, smirking.
Is there something going on between you two?
"Uh… it's really complicated…" Kate replied as Kenny approached Monica.
Before they knew what was happening, Monica's boyfriend, Jake, came up and picked a fight with Kenny, killing him.
"Oh my God, he killed Kenny!" gasped Bebe.
"YOU BASTARD!" Kate yelled, landing a punch to Jake's gut.
After all that, it still turned out that they needed to help further. Now they had to sneak into the abortion clinic and get a picture of the records. Kate ended up voluntold that she would be the 'pregnant whore' since she had more than one guy after her. That almost ended with Bebe getting a punch to the face, but Wendy and Mickey broke it up before it got too ugly.
I'll do it.
"Are you sure, Mick?" Kate asked.
Positive. Nobody really knows me, so it won't hurt if I do it.
"I'm still going with you for backup. You need somebody who knows how to fight, and me and the boys will be right behind you."
After going through the abortion clinic, being forced to perform an abortion on a grown-ass man, and fighting Nazi Zombie Fetuses, Kate and Mickey escaped and returned with the required pictures, which turned out to be entirely in French.
"Can anyone read this strange Orcish?" Kyle asked.
"I know bare-bones basics," Kate replied, looking at the document. "All I can understand is 'five'. So… five of something. We'd need somebody who speaks it fluently."
"The Kingdom to the North," Cartman suggested. "I know that is where this strange tongue comes from." He turned to Mickey. "Sir Douchebag, will you journey to the North and translate the document."
Mickey nodded, before grabbing the document.
"First you must obtain a passport." Cartman went to the other side of the yard and pulled out a passport that just needed a photo to finish it. "Your name is no longer Sir Douchebag. You are now Larry Bobinski, from Cleveland."
"Why do you even have that?" Kate sighed.
"Why do you carry a handgun?"
"That's different. I'm defending myself. At any rate, I'm not going to goddamn Canada. Somebody else is going this time." She smiled at Mickey. "Sorry, Mick. I don't feel comfortable leaving town with all the Nazi Zombie shit going on."
I get it. It's fine, Kate. Hold down the fort for me.
What happened in Canada surely cemented the game as some kind of RPG, fetch quest and all. Mickey found herself fighting Dire Wolves, Bears, and Snakes, all the while meeting the nobility of Canada before she met Terrance and Phillip. Naturally, she learned a new form of magic from them: Nagasaki. She was certain that it would come in handy down the line, especially once the document was translated. Mickey returned to South Park and the Girls with the translated document.
"It says here that five women were at the clinic that day," Wendy read.
"And right here, it says 'Nancy Turner, 3 PM'," Bebe added.
"That's Heidi's mom!"
"So Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch!"
"Jesus fucking Christ…" muttered Kate.
"All right, Mickey. We will join your game," Wendy declared, once they'd made up with Heidi. "Let the boys know, and call us when you need us."
Mickey saluted and headed out the door. Kate let out a squeal and started hugging Mickey.
"Dammit, Mick!" she gushed. "Who knew you'd get the Girls to play along?!"
I did. Now shut up before you alert the Nazi Zombies.
"Right."
They arrived at the Elven Forest safely, and once Kate confirmed that the Girls were onboard, the entire kingdom began celebrating until Kyle reminded them of the battle to come. Everyone began to prepare for battle, Kate sticking ammo into the pouches on her belt and loading her gun, plus a spare. When Cartman asked her why, she had a simple and logical response.
"Left side is blanks to scare the shit out of the people I'm not trying to kill. Right side is actual bullets for if there's Nazi Zombies. I'm not going in there unarmed, dumbass."
"Be careful," Kyle warned her. "I know you can shoot better than almost anybody else here, but it's still dangerous."
"Kyle… you're so sweet to worry about me." She gave him a quick hug.
"Could you talk some sense into Kenny, then? He's been talking about dropping the Princess Kenny thing to back you up."
"The fuck?!" She headed across the yard. "KENNY!"
"Good luck in there, Douchebag," Cartman told Mickey. "Oh, I mean, uh, Mickey."
"You're the chosen one," Kyle added. "That's why Kate…" He cleared his throat. "Never mind. Good luck."
Thanks. And, no, Kyle. Kate does not think of me that way. And I have no interest in her beyond friendship.
"(Jesus Christ, Kate!)" Kenny groaned. "(Fine. I get it! Don't switch characters right before a big battle! Fuck!)"
"Right. And be careful. Even though you're a dude, there might be some guys up there who think a little boy dressed as a princess is sexy as fuck," Kate warned.
"(Mama Hen.)"
"Asshole." She swatted his arm playfully. "See you later."
"Our friendship is worth more than that Stick!" Kyle declared. Kenny and Kate looked at each other and nodded. They both went forward as Kenny took the Stick from the Big Bad Government Guy.
"What the fuck?!" Cartman yelled. Mickey, Stan, and Kyle stared at Kate and Kenny in shock.
"Why, Kenny?" Stan asked.
"And Kate, you too?" Kyle added.
"Because Kenny is a half-Orc," Morgan Freeman replied, "and Katherine is the Priestess of the Stick. The first to hold the Stick of Truth was an orc who knew that the Stick would not be safe in the hands of Elves or Humans, so to protect his baby daughter, he appointed a Priestess to watch over the Stick. When that Priestess died in the attack on the village where the little girl lived, the new Priestess and the little girl worked together to take the Stick back. Princess Kenny is the true heir to the Stick of Truth, and Katherine is the Priestess who is to help keep it out of untrustworthy hands."
"Hey, Morgan Freeman, how come every time something convoluted gets explained, you're the one to do it?" Kyle asked.
"Because every time I explain something, I get a freckle." A freckle appeared on his cheek and he went on his way. Kenny laughed and ran off with the Stick, Kate right behind him.
"GODDAMMIT, PRINCESS KINNEY! GET BACK HERE!" Cartman yelled, running after them. "KATE! I'M TELLING MOM!"
At the top of the fortress, Kate and Kenny looked for an escape route. Unfortunately for them, there wasn't one, and their former teammates caught up with them. Cartman gave his sister a dirty look before flipping her off.
"FUCK YOU, JERSEY BITCH!" he snarled.
"SAME TO YOU, FATASS!"
A battle began raging, with Kenny proving to be difficult to beat. Kate was fighting back, but they managed to 'kill' her. She limped off the battlefield and went to heal, but she was horrified when she saw Kenny pull out a vial of the green goo from the alien ship.
"WHAT THE SHIT, KENNY?!" she snapped. She managed to get over to Mickey. "You've got my support now. That was not part of our plan and we need to kill him."
"Whoa, wait a sec," Stan interrupted. "Kate, I know he's turning into a Nazi Zombie, but he's still Kenny."
"He's a traitor. We were going to take the Stick and end the fighting for good, but apparently, he's deciding to be a jackass about it." She narrowed her eyes.
The battle continued, but it seemed Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny wasn't going down. Every time they killed him, he got back up and kept fighting. He hit Kate with enormous force, and there was a snap as she hit the ground hard. It was her arm. He'd busted her arm.
"Fuck!" she swore, cradling her arm. "Dammit!"
With no end in sight and most of her allies unable to fight alongside her, Mickey was beginning to become exhausted. Cartman came up with an idea.
"Douchebag, I told you to never fart on another man's balls," Cartman sighed. "I'm afraid you're now going to have to break that oath."
Mickey felt horrified as Cartman held Kenny back.
"DO IT, DOUCHEBAG!" he yelled. Mickey had no choice.
She farted on Kenny's balls.
Once everything was back to normal, Mickey found herself with the guys and Kate at Stark's Pond, Kate holding the Stick in her unbroken right arm.
"Do we really have to do this?" Butters asked.
"It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all," Stan sighed. "Do it, Kate."
Kate threw the Stick into the pond. They watched it float for a moment before it sank into the water, never to be seen again.
"So what do you guys wanna play now?" Kyle inquired.
"Nothing," Kate replied. "You're going to have to play without me for a while. The doctor says I have to rest my arm until it heals. Fucking Kenny." She shook her head.
"What about you, Mickey?" Kyle asked. Mickey looked around at the friends she'd made since moving to town and decided to speak.
"Screw you guys; I'm going home," she said, turning away and walking towards her house.
"What a dick!" Cartman snarled.
That night, Kate headed out on patrol just to talk to Kenny. He was waiting in their normal spot, but when he saw her arm in a cast, he leapt to his feet and pulled her into a private spot where he could take off his hood.
"What happened?!" he asked.
"You happened, jackass."
"What did I do?"
"You busted my arm after you drank the green goo. Mickey had to fart on your balls to get everything back to normal."
"I'm so sorry! Don't hate me!"
"I don't hate you, but it's going to be a while before I forgive you." She glared at her arm. "This isn't something I can easily forget about, either."
"Guess you're not going on patrol, eh?"
"Nope. I just came to talk to you. Bye."
He watched her leave with a dejected look.
"I'm sorry."
Yeah, that ending scene is something I felt like I needed to include. This is a valid reason for Kate not to side with Mysterion in The Fractured But Whole, and she refuses to side with Coon and Friends because Cartman is a dick and nobody is being reasonable.
Next time will be The Fractured But Whole, and after that, it will either be the Valentine's special or "Marjorine". Most likely, it'll be "Marjorine".
Also, if you still want to vote, I have an actual poll on my profile that you can vote on in just four clicks: click on my name, click on the poll, click your choice, and click submit.
Also, also, HOLY SHIT! This chapter is over 4500 words! How the fuck did I manage that?!
So long and thanks for all the fish!