Chapter 2

Roy couldn't quite make out what he was dreaming of in his fragile state of unconsciousness. As an afterthought, he could only recognize the chaos and fear that remained clamped around his chest, tightening its grip with every passing minute. But hushed voices in the background became slightly more clear; not enough for him to make out their words, but he could hear the tone and the pitch, and was comforted by it. He focused on those soothing voices instead of the horrors of his dream that circled his mind like vultures squawking at him from overhead.

Eventually, Roy found the peaceful line between his dreams and consciousness that consisted solely of those familiar tones and the state of floating in nothing.

But like all things, that too was only temporary. The voices soon grew clearer and made their way through the thin veil that divided him from the waking world until he became aware of the soft bed that took his weight and the warm blanket that covered him. Cold air blew overhead from a nearby vent, and he shuffled further into the bed to avoid it. He was sure he recognized the voices now. Their gentle hums eased him and any worries that wanted to haunt him.

But as he laid there with his eyes shut, there was a brief moment where Roy wondered why he had guests so late at night. But half a second later, the reality of the situation caught up with him and he was hit with a cold realization that it being dark did not necessarily mean it was night.

It was almost laughable that he forgot that cruel fact for a moment. A short, blissful moment…

Seconds passed by, each one forcing him to further accept that no matter how widely he opened his eyes, he would only see nothing. The many memories that built up after first escaping the crypt ran quickly through his mind as his brain craved to see color and light, if only just from the past. But even they soon disappeared, as the voices became more coherent and that low gust of conditioned air became colder, sinking into his bones despite the warmth that surrounded him.

His body tensed as revolted waves ran through his spine at the thought. And then for a moment, the two voices paused, and the only sound to be heard was the low hum of the vent; but that meant nothing to him. He only cared about the voices.

Where did they go?

What happened?

Was he alone?

Did he just imagine them?

Where did they go?!

Roy's heart began to race violently in his chest and his breathing hastened heedlessly. He wanted so badly to just open his damn eyes and look around, but it was that familiarity with being unable to do so that was so incomprehensibly damning.

He lurched his weight to sit up and opened his mouth, almost to ask for them, but black arms rushing towards him, dogs baring their teeth, failed transmutation circles, his own maddening scrawls carved into the wall with his blood-

He kicked out at the blankets that had suddenly turned into a constricting net and pushed himself up against the wall behind him. His arms grasped onto each other, fingers tense, and unable to shake the need to feel something just to know this was real. But all Roy could feel were the bandages that had returned around his hands, muting his senses and driving him mad.

A hand gently touched his shoulder and he gasped harshly on impulse. Immediately the touch disappeared. "Wait!" he cried breathlessly, leaning forward as if to follow, but freezing when he was hit by how lost he felt.

"Roy, it's just us: me and Hawkeye. It's okay."

Right. It was just them. The two people he trusted most. He was fine. In the hospital. Right…

He couldn't act like this. He had gone through his once before already; no matter how much it hurt and no matter all that he had lost, he couldn't let himself spiral into the madness that consumed his mind before. Roy was well aware of how those around him have suffered because of that. He was convinced: it would not happen again. He wouldn't let it...

The relief was overwhelming. Thoughtlessly, Roy found himself reaching forward- for what, he wasn't quite sure- but he found his friend's sleeve and held on tightly to it. "Don't leave," he burst out long before he could consider the words, far too distracted by the suffocating sense of uncertainty and fear that surrounded the dark space around him.

"I won't," Maes replied without missing a beat. That promise hung in the air for the next few seconds as Roy focused only on his breathing, unable to calm himself just yet as each heavy gasp tore through his lung. Despite all efforts, his body still shook and he could never suck in enough air for his greedy, overworked lungs.

Roy slowly willed his grip to release Maes' sleeve as he made himself sit up straight against the headboard, once again finding comfort in having a wall directly behind him. But then again, even long after being freed from his cell, that was a habit that never quite faded. By now, it was merely instinct.

Inhale, exhale, and a cough to clear his throat.

"Hawkeye?" he asked, voice far too shaken than what he would have preferred.

"I'm here," she answered, voice quieter than usual. While she may not have intended it, Roy picked up on a sadness there that he had not heard since he temporarily stayed at her apartment. Hearing it again after so much time pained his heart, especially after being plowed with the memory of one of the last sights he was able to see: Riza's throat being slit.

"Are- are you alright?"

"I'm alright," she answered with a hint of warmness in her voice. Glad that he was able to escape his own mind long enough to ask, no doubt. "I've been admitted down the hall. The doctors say I'll be here for only a few days."

In response, he could only manage a short nod as his mind traveled back to seeing a sword to her throat, followed by a pool of blood forming as she laid limp on the ground. Slowly, without thought, Roy's hand traveled up to his own throat, gently feeling for the scar that marked his skin. He imagined she had a heavy layer of bandages around her throat; one day, they would have matching scars. Roy was sure there was some ironic symbolism to be found there, but currently had no desire to search for it. Instead, the colonel just wanted to hear her voice again, but didn't have much else to say. Or at least, lacked the words. He might have asked more about Riza's well-being, but without sight, he had no choice but to take her word for it.

A minute passed as the other two said nothing. Roy could easily pick up on the hesitation in the air- he was sure they just didn't know what to say, looking at him like this. Watching him. He understood it, but god was it unnerving.

Thin black arms reached towards him as the eye in the gate stared into his soul, condemning him to Hell for unwillingly performing human transmutation. They latched around his limbs like shackles and pulled him into the darkness, deeper and deeper, colder and colder…

"Say something," he gasped at last, vehemently shaking the images out of his head. He didn't care which of them did it, but he needed something. Anything besides this mind-numbing silence where the memories would return all too easily. But he could almost feel the uncertainty floating around the room, which did absolutely nothing for his already fraying nerves.

Hawkeye cleared her throat, softly, almost inaudibly. "…Havoc came by earlier. He's been wanting to see you before he returns to his hometown."

"Havoc," Roy echoed quietly as the blond came to mind. Another casualty, leaving this war handicapped- just like him. "Is he still here?"

"He's in town," Maes supplied. "I can call him,"

Roy nodded thoughtlessly. He wasn't quite sure how that conversation would go; or how it would with any of his subordinates, actually. He felt ashamed just thinking about it- facing them like this.

Stop. Enough of that. You've already done this.

Roy sighed and shook his own voice out of his head, nearly forgetting for a brief moment that he was being watched.

The arms slithered up his body, wrapping around his scarred neck and reaching up towards his eyes.

"Sir?"

Roy grimaced and crossed his legs and folded his arms, head down as if he were staring at them, though completely unaware that his eyes were narrowed, blindly glaring at nothing. "I don't-" he started slowly, unsure what he was going to say, but the words flowed anyway. "How am I supposed to continue like this? For the rest of my life…" At least in the crypt, as he slowly lost his mind, there was a small hope in the back of his head that he would make it out and everything would turn out alright. He got lucky with that one, but this time, what hope could he possibly have? His greatest obstacle was out of the way, but only to be replaced by an impassable one. "I was so close," he added, knuckles surly fading to white.

"You don't know that," Maes replied quickly, desperation creeping into his tone. "We can find a way through this, Roy. I swear- I swear we will."

"Who would support a blind Fuhrer, Maes?! Or even a blind general," Roy heard himself growl as his head shot up to stare in his direction. "I wouldn't. I can't lead anyone if I can't see where I'm taking them."

"Roy…"

"That damn Truth could have taken anything, but it chose my sight. And so much more was taken from me because of it. How is that equivalent?!"

There was a pause that felt like it took an eternity to pass. When Maes finally responded, he sounded like he was at a loss for words.

"You're starting to sound like Ed," he breathed softly, as if he was forcing a small smile into his tone, desperate to lighten the mood somewhat since he had no other response that would ease Roy's despair.

Roy dropped his stiffened shoulders with an exhale, not realizing that he became so tense. "…how are the Elrics doing?" The energy from his tone had completely disappeared as he silently chastised himself for erupting on Maes, while Riza was present no less. He needed to stop. They all knew his previous life was over at this point.

"They're doing well," Maes replied cautiously. But there was a subtle weakness in his voice that restored itself somewhat, grateful for the change in topic.

"Edward came in to visit a few times," Hawkeye added. There too was something odd in her voice, but Roy wasn't quite able to catch it before she steadied herself, as diligently as always. "Alphonse is still recovering, however. It'll likely be a while until he can make his way over here."

"I should go see them," Roy murmured, mostly to himself, not entirely aware that he was just trying to give himself a distraction from his own shuddering.

"I don't think you should be moving around yet," Maes' interjected, as sternly as his soft, saddened voice could manage.

Roy shifted his weight, mutely pondering his own injuries. In addition to the stab wounds in his hands, it all felt like old injuries had reappeared; he could ignore them easily enough, as he did so many times in the past. But that may have been thanks to the needle he noticed had returned to the crook of his arm. But for his friend's sake, the colonel did not argue. "Fine, but I still want to see Fullmetal." The words left his mouth before he could pick then out, and he couldn't help but grimace at the taste of saying see. He willed himself not to think about it.

"I'll find someone to check if Edward is awake," Hawkeye announced as there was a shuffle of fabric, followed by the quiet squeak of the door's hinges. Her soft steps trailed out of the room before he could think to argue, and Roy immediately missed her soothing voice. Should she really be moving around? He hated being unable to gauge her state with his own eyes...

He leaned his head back against the wall behind him to gaze at nothing, hardly aware that he was likely unnerving Maes, judging by the quiet beats that passed between them.

In spite of how adamantly he tried to fend them off, the images still appeared in his mind due to the lack of anything else to focus on.

Being swallowed by the gate, Truth smiling mutely at him. The homunculi laughed at his expense- at his suffering. He was powerless to fight back.

Maes cleared his throat with a soft cough, which was just enough to have Roy blink out of the images that kept harassing him, followed by an irritated growl from deep in his throat. He was going to lose his mind very quickly if he kept falling into a pit of vivid memories every time he wasn't in the middle of a conversation. But unfortunately, he had no idea how he would go about stopping it when he was reminded of his fate and the events that caused it every time he tried to open his eyes.

"…Roy?"

He hmmed lightly in response, mouth having gone dry.

"You holding up alright?"

The colonel found himself not wanting to answer the question, but Maes' heavy gaze resting on him didn't really allow him the freedom to keep his mouth shut. "Don't know," he eventually murmured, well aware of how unhelpful of an answer it was. Saying "yes" would be a flat out lie, but "no" tasted sour on his tongue. He couldn't keep letting everyone hang around to pity him.

Although, it wasn't like it was capable of stopping them, or giving them any real reason to stop…

"Let me know if there's anything I can do, alright?" his friend asked softly.

Roy just nodded stiffly and managed a clipped "sure". It seemed to be enough for Maes, but he couldn't help but doubt that he would ever want to take the man up on his offer. But as he stewed on the words for a moment, the silence continued, and he changed his mind- at least, in this single case. "Could you… keep talking?"

"Of course," he replied readily with an eased quality slipping into his tone. Roy could nearly feel the faint relief that floated from his friend. Happy to please, as he always was… Not like Roy could blame him; he knew very well how it felt to be useless.

And so, for the next several minutes, Maes rambled on about multiple topics, none in which had anything to do about their current situation, for which Roy was grateful. He mentioned his family of course, a new neighbor that moved in, made a few vague plans for things they should do later on, which Roy didn't bother agreeing with. He stayed silent throughout all of it, keeping his eyes shut and allowed Maes' voice to distract his mind from the demons that circled nearby.

Then quite abruptly, Roy paused and straightened his back as he heard familiarly uneven footfalls down the hall. They steadily grew louder until the door handle clicked to turn and the hinges were pushed open, causing Maes' current story to freeze.

"Fullmetal?" Roy asked abruptly, then coughed to rid of the hoarseness he felt in his throat.

"Uh- yeah," the kid's tone responded, with a quiet touch of surprise that was almost missed.

But he only heard one set of feet. "Where's Hawkeye?"

"I think the nurse sent her back to her room. And she mentioned calling the rest of the team about something. I'm not really sure."

Why would she… oh. Hawkeye was probably calling to update the team on his sorry state. He could probably expect to see them soon.

"I see." Roy sighed and shook his head as he pushed himself to the edge of the bed. Stop thinking about that. Stop, stop, just stop. "How are you and Alphonse doing?"

"We're good," Ed replied with a smile in his voice that Roy was more than pleased to hear, hoping it would lighten the depressing air that suffocated the room. "Did you- um- did you hear?"

"I haven't heard anything."

"He's been asleep until recently," Maes jumped in. "I figured you would want to tell him personally."

"Tell me what?"

"We did it, Colonel," Edward supplied as a proud eagerness radiated from him. "We got our bodies back."

Roy froze, trying to comprehend the words that were just said to him. He tried to picture it, but the manufactured images in his mind were far from good enough. The statement recalled memories of the promised day after he had already lost his sight, but they were all such a blur. "I- that's- that's great." A lame response for such an amazement announcement, but he felt a smile pull at his lips as he allowed himself to revel in their success for long enough to briefly forget about his own state.

"Yeah," the blond added warmly as he shuffled further into the room. "Al's body needs to recover and he still needs to get used to- well, feeling things again. It'll take time, but we have all the time in the world now."

But still, he could not picture it. "And what about you? You… have your arm back?"

"Yep!"

Amazing… it should have been easy to imagine Edward with two flesh arms. And yet, it proved relentlessly to be a challenge. Roy had been imagining it since he first met the boy, before he so much as got equipped with automail. And now that they have finally accomplished their mission, merely imagining it was wasn't good enough.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"Uh- yeah, I- I suppose I… can't believe it," Roy replied with a short, clipped laugh that didn't quite reach any other part of him. But as an idea occurred to him, the colonel visibly hesitated, but persisted regardless. His left arm rose carefully, embarrassed as he lightly held onto the cold air. "Do you… could I…?"

He trailed off pathetically, unsure how to string his words together into something that didn't sound idiotic. But thank god, he didn't need to. He may have been asking for it, but Roy still managed to jump when Edward's hand fell into his. His right hand; his small, frail, weak, unfamiliar flesh right hand.

A quiet gasp escaped his gaping lips as it began to sink in. He was completely still for a moment, mind blank. His right arm rose as well to cover Edward's hand, holding the kid's frail limb inside his grasp. The sensation was muted slightly by the bandages there, but at the moment, he couldn't bring himself to care. There were days there he thought he would never experience such a thing, whether it was due to doubt in himself, or the boy's incredibly ambitious quest. And yet here they were. With Ed's hand enclosed within his own, the pieces in his mind fit together a little more snug. While it wasn't ideal, it was better. It would do.

Or at least, that's what he told himself.

"You did it," Roy whispered as he lowered his head, his smile growing wider. "You really did it. You and Alphonse." As he mentioned the younger Elric, the image of the suit of armor flashed in his mind. An arm was something, but… Just as quickly as it appeared, his smile fell as a new reality struck him. "I… I've never seen him."

"…huh?"

Roy pursed his lip as more damn emotions began to bubble at the surface. He tried to push it down, but didn't have much faith in his ability to do so. "Alphonse," he supplied quietly, fearing that his voice was about to give him away. "I've never actually seen what he looks like… I met you two right after you put his soul in that suit, and I became blind right before he finally gets his body back." He had seen a picture or two of them as children years ago, but…

Edward's hand tensed and he did not respond.

"I always thought that I would see what he looked like someday. I looked forward to it. I…" Roy shut his useless eyes, before they would further betray him with any more damning emotions. But even though it tore at what little dignity remained, he sniffed miserably, glad that he already had his head bowed. But with how much his hands were surely shaking, he doubted he was fooling anyone.

Roy released Edward's hands, unwilling to let him feel how his own limbs shook shamefully. He cursed under his breath, silently chastising himself for being so selfish. He was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to smile and congratulate them!

Pathetic. You're supposed to be better than this. Weak.

Becoming blind was like taking a canon to every one of his emotional walls. What the hell…

Neither Ed or Maes said anything, but he could sense their discomfort. Because of him.

Control yourself, damn it! Don't do this to them again!

Roy tensed his jaw and pressed his palms against his closed eyes, fingers curling into his bangs. "I'm sorry," he said through his bared teeth, unable to raise his head even if his eyes worked properly. "I'm sorry you two have to deal with me. I'm happy for you. I-"

A weight plowed into him, cutting Roy off. He straightened up in shock as two arms wrapped around his back. Edward hugged him with such determination that left the alchemist speechless, briefly fending off the coldness that had set in his bones and refused to leave him be until then.

"Shut up, dumbass," Edward huffed, his saddened voice muffled slightly through the thin fabric of Roy's shirt. "You're allowed to be upset."

"But-"

"I said shut up. Idiot." Ed's coarse words did not quite reach his tone. His shoulders shook and his voice quivered. Despite the insults, Roy felt a small pitiable smile pull at his lips as he lifted his arms and returned the hug, pulling the kid closer to him.

Edward talked big, but he was too sympathetic for his own good.

"It's not fair," he went on, resting his head against Roy's shoulder. "It's not fair at all."

Now there was something that Roy didn't quite understand, he mused quietly. He felt so useless. Pathetic and useless and invalid. But even as he was weakened and blinded, he could still do this much. He could somehow still comfort Ed when he needed it, despite knowing that it was really he who needed that comfort. Edward must have known that too.

And Maes was still watching, wasn't he? But for the moment, Roy allowed himself to not care. Besides, his friend was the last person who would somehow judge him for this.

"You should be celebrating right now; not comforting me."

Edward inhaled harshly through his teeth, then exhaled deeply before he could muster up a response. "I don't care," he huffed. "It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not going to stop until it's made right."

"Life's not fair," Roy heard himself say over Ed's shoulder, partially talking to himself. "All things considered, we were lucky. At least I survived." The words may have been said in his voice, but Roy failed to truly believe them. He tried to force the mindset onto himself, tried to convince himself that it was true- that it was okay. And yet, his chest only felt hollower the more he went on. "I could have died long ago. But I'm still here."

"But you're miserable," Edward replied sullenly into his shoulder as if he was reluctant to admit the dour truth.

Roy took a short, quiet breath and willed his tone to sound as lively as possible- which all things considered, was not saying much. "I did it once, I can do it again." But as he said that, Roy's heart ached with doubt. He felt a pressure in his throat as his briefly thought about a sightless future before quickly casting it away before Ed could notice.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Edward pulled back just enough to study Roy's expression, unwittingly making him feel extremely exposed when he couldn't do the same.

"It's not your responsibility to fix my problems, Edward," he said, fighting the urge to shy away from his piercing stare. "When you leave here, you and Alphonse need to go back home and enjoy your lives." Roy meant that, he realized only as the words left his dry mouth. And yet, he couldn't help the regretful stab he felt in his chest when Edward didn't seem to respond. His silence drew on for several beats. He might have wondered if the kid had disappeared if it were not for his hands were now holding his shoulders by arm's length.

Edward's hands tensed right before he wordlessly pulled himself back into the embrace, which Roy returned without a second thought.

The sun began to set at least, streaming it's dying light through the open windows. The pale orange rays might have appeared to be calming to some- tranquil, perhaps, as it splashed color through this entirely white room. But to Maes, all it signified was the end of another challenging day, and bringing him closer to the next.

Roy and Edward continued to sit in a comfortable silence for several moments longer before it morphed into idle conversation as Maes stood off to the side earlier that day. At the very least, the colonel had unknowingly dropped much of the effort that was ordinarily put into controlling his face while he listened to Edward ramble on about nothing, allowing Maes to see the many emotions that crossed his visage. It was almost too much for him to take, at some point. The raw sadness, despair… but there was also a calmness that lasted for a few blissful minutes that managed to somewhat ease the ache that had been pulling on his heart for days.

But eventually, the blond had to leave and return to his brother's side, but not without once again declaring that he would find a way to heal Roy's eyes. As much as Maes wanted to believe him, he fought to keep himself from anticipating anything. Edward had proven time and time again that he was capable of accomplishing amazing feats, but he couldn't put all his hopes on the kid when he still had so much on his plate.

Once he was gone, Maes halfheartedly tried to get conversation going, but Roy seemed too drained to participate. He laid back down on the bed, vacant eyes staring out at the ceiling as his arms loosely hung around himself. To give it a word, he looked… resigned.

He spent the next half hour trying to come up with something uplifting to say to his poor friend, but before he could find the words, Roy had fallen asleep. It was better that way, Maes told himself somberly as he remained there for a few minutes for. But after some time, he decided to take this moment to grab something to eat in the hospital's cafeteria, seeing as it was unlikely Roy would wake up too soon.

The lieutenant colonel only noticed then that he hasn't eaten anything all day. No longer ignoring his empty stomach, he quietly left the room and began his walk to the bottom floor.

However, he did not get far before he heard the jostle of a door handle further down the hall, and saw Riza poke her head out, leaning slightly against the frame.

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes," Hawkeye's quiet, steady voice said behind him. He paused to face her, unsure if he was glad or disappointed that his quest for food was halted, considering how he was unsure if he'd be able to actually swallow anything at the moment. "

"Shouldn't you be resting?" he asked carefully, knowing she was the last person he should have to monitor.

"I was, but there was a call from headquarters. Fuhrer Grumman is asking about Roy."

Hughes bit his tongue as he pondered the many ways to approach his response. He knew Grumman and Roy were close, but he wouldn't dare risk saying anything that could jeopardize Roy's career. The new Fuhrer was a good man, but there was no telling how he would respond to the colonel gone blind. He had visited while Roy was asleep, and thankful did not have to see the extent of his sorry state. Since then, he had been too busy to return.

Roy's words had a ring of truth to them when he asked who would follow a blind leader. Anyone close to him would follow no matter the disability, he was sure. However, when it came to the rest of the military or the nation for that matter…

"I'll tell him Colonel Mustang has a long road ahead of him… but he'll manage."

Hawkeye nodded as she processed the words. But a moment later, she looked back up at him with a touch of uncertainty in her sherry eyes. "Do you really believe that?" There wasn't any doubt in her voice, but nor was their certainty. Only a curious question as she searched in his expression for anything to grasp onto. She was looking for hope.

As for Maes, he wasn't sure if he had what she was looking for, or if he was just being too stubborn to accept to facts and what they painfully tried to spell out. It was foolish to imply to Grumman that Roy would be back on his feet as if nothing had happened. He was being unreasonable by doing it- he knew that. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to take the words back.

If he was to be proven wrong in the long run, then so be it. Maes would deal with it then.

But for now, admitting that Roy's career was over was too much for him to bear.