Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight Saga Series. Any recognizable characters/content are the sole property of the great Stephanie Meyers.
A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you for taking the time to read my little story. I greatly appreciate each review and welcome them all. As always, happy reading! :-)
CHAPTER FIVE
(BPOV)
I felt as if my whole world had spun off its axis. The reality of the situation came down heavy on me, seeing Jacobs eyes deadly fierce when they met my own. The coldness in them stunned me.
"No- Jake." I began, trying to deny it, trying to somehow protest this.
"Just stop, Please Bella." He said, sharply cutting me off. His head turning away momentarily before meeting my gaze again. "We...We can't be friends anymore. This is over. Go home. Just go. Now... Please."
He turned to walk away from me and I felt my heart rip to shreds. In desperation, I reached for his arm again. I had to do something... anything.
"Look... Jake I -I know that I've been confused and unsure of what we are. I'm sorry. I know I've been difficult to understand lately. You can't just end this. I mean... Jake, you're my best friend. You promised. Remember?" I looked up at him, seeing his cold demeanor fade almost instantly at my words.
"I know. I promised I wouldn't hurt you... Not ever and this is me keeping that same promise. Now go home. Just go." He looked in my eyes once more, before shrugging out of my grasp, and heading for the forest again. I looked ahead to see Sam Uley, Quil, Jarod, and Paul there waiting for him in the distance. My skin crawled and hot anger flooded through me as I watched him run to them, soon disappearing into dense cover of the forest.
I stood there, staring at the place where he'd just been and letting the rain pour on me, soaking me to the bone. After several minutes passed, I turned around, knowing he was gone and walked back to my truck. The pain twisted itself around the walls of my chest and radiated its way down to my stomach. I had to stop when I climbed into the truck, clutching my stomach, and leaning my head onto the steering wheel. I couldn't believe what I had just seen. It didn't make any damn sense. None of it did.
I started the truck, and lifted my head to see Jacob walking back towards me. My heart lept into my throat, seeing him approach. I slowly opened my truck door and got back out, waiting for him to speak. He looked at me, seeming to be torn in half by something.
"I'm sorry Bella. It just has to be this way. It's for the best. I'm not good for you. Maybe I used to be but not anymore." He stated in a low tone, avoiding eye contact with me. I felt utterly numb, as I watched him head into his house without so much as another word. I got back in my truck, shaking my head and feeling the hot tears run down my face against my cold skin.
I drove fast back home, pulling my truck haphazardly in the yard, running up the porch steps and through the front door. I threw off my wet jacket and collapsed down on the floor. Sobs shaking my whole body as I cried. Call me weak, I didn't care. This hurt like hell. Charlie came running to me from the kitchen. He crouched down in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders.
"Bella... honey? What- what is it? What happened? Tell me." He was frantic. I couldn't breathe, let alone speak. I continued to cry as Charlie pulled me into his arms, holding me like he used to when I was a little girl and I had fallen down and scrapped my knee. I stayed there, a heap in his arms on the floor for minutes on end. I just couldn't understand why this was happening to me... again.
When I finally had enough strength to pick myself up off the floor, I met Charlie's eyes. The look in them, the frantic look in them scaring the hell out of me. "Dad, I'm Sorry." I started, but he soon interjected.
"Bella, don't be sorry. Just..." He swallowed hard, and I saw the emotion in his eyes. "-Just tell me what happened."
I didn't know what to say. He loved Jacob and Billy was one of his closest friends. So I offered up the only reasonable explanation I could.
"It's Jake. I-"
Before I could get another word out, Charlie walked away from me and stormed off into the kitchen. He grabbed the phone and dialed Billy. I ran after him, frantically grabbing the phone away from him. "NO!" I yelled, taking the phone from him and placing it back on the receiver. "Don't call Billy... or Jake. Just let it be okay." I begged him.
Charlie's eyes were wild. He was clearly very angry. He walked over to the sink, and gripped the side board, staring out the window for a few minutes. He didn't speak for several seconds, each one ticking by agonizingly slow for me. He finally turned back to me.
"I don't know what happened, or what he did, but I'm sure as hell gonna find out and if you don't tell me, I'm going to Billy's myself." He stated firmly, grabbing his jacket from off the kitchen chair, as I hurriedly thought of something to say. I didn't want to say anything but I had to, or he was going to get into it with Billy. I knew Charlie very well, and he rarely ever looked this mad. I knew he would say things he didn't mean out of anger if he went right now, possibly hurting his long friendship with Billy. Billy loved my dad, but he was very protective of Jake as well. As he should be. I took his jacket from him.
"Okay. I'll tell you." I sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table, feeling the tears come again with my words as I spoke.
"Jake... is different... he's... I don't know exactly what's going on, but it's awful!" I stated to him, tears welling up and rolling down my cheeks. Charlie knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his. "He's with Sam Uley and a few others from the reservation. He cut off all his hair, and got a tattoo. He's just so different, dad. It's like I don't even know him anymore. I tried to go see him today, and that's when I saw how different he had become over the last few weeks. I don't know what it is, but it's definitely not Jacob. I'm scared for him." I sobbed again, throwing my arms around Charlie's neck.
"Okay Bella... shhh. It's okay, honey. I'll get to the bottom of this. Why don't you go get warm and change? You're gonna catch your death if you don't, honey. You're soaked."
I nodded, and let go of him, heading for the stairs. I took them one at a time, willing my legs to move. I finally reached my room and grabbed a change of clothes, quickly heading to take a hot shower. When I finished, and dressed, I blow dried my hair, holding the dryer close to me and trying to get warm. More tears came to me as I remembered who used to be that warmth for me. I was brushing my hair when I suddenly heard yelling coming from downstairs... Charlie's yelling. I opened the bathroom door and listened closely.
"Billy- What the hell is going on? (Long pause)... No... No- ... That's bullshit and you know it. He's not sick! How do I know that?... Because Bella just came home a wreck from seeing him... Where the hell is he? (Another long pause) He is?... I know he's there... Put him on the phone Billy... Now! No... No you listen... You tell Jacob that I'll be watching him and Sam Uley, and whoever the hell else I see fit... And You tell them that if I so much as see them toss trash on the wrong side of the road, I'll haul their asses into the station for questioning... Something is going on! ... I'll get to the bottom of this Billy... Mark my word- ...Yeah,You heard me. I know he's your son. Hell, I love him as my own for shit's sake. He's been like a son to me for as long as I can remember!... This doesn't make a bit of sense, Billy... Yes, and Bella's MY daughter, Billy!... Yeah... Yeah, you tell him... I mean it- ... I'm watching them!"
He slammed the phone down, and my heart lodged into my throat. I had never heard Charlie so angry. I quickly went to my room and sat on my bed as I heard Charlie coming up the stairs. I didn't want him to know I was listening.
He knocked and peeked his head in. "You okay, honey?" He asked.
"Yeah, thanks. I'm sorry for earlier." I said to him.
Charlie sat down next to me, and sighed. heavily. "I don't know what the hell to make of this, Bella... I mean- I've known Jake since he was just little, when you guys made mud pies together in the Summer and would chase each other along the beach. Nothing about this sounds like him."
I nodded in reply, staring blankly ahead at my wall. Charlie's words resonating within me. He was right, this wasn't Jacob. Not the Jacob I had known.
"Well, If it's okay I'm gonna lay down for a while?" I said softly to him, feeling drained from all this.
"Okay... let me know if you need anything?" He replied, offering me a weak smile as He headed out of my room, closing the door behind him. I looked out my window, running over everything that Jake had said. "I'm not good for you. Not anymore."
How could Jacob, warm and loving, be anything but good?
I sighed heavily, placing my head in my hands and pulling my knee's up to my chest. I felt like someone had reached their hand in my chest and ripped out whatever remained of my already shredded, bleeding heart. Leaving me with an even bigger whole punched through me. I laid down, and to my surprise, soon fell asleep. I didn't dream at all. I slept for ten solid hours, awakening later to hear the sound of my phone ringing, over and over again. I sat up, reaching blindly for it and seeing that it was Jacob. Everything in me wanted to answer it. But I shut it off instead. I was so hurt that I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. I just wasn't up for it right now.
I went into the bathroom and pulled myself together, hearing the T.V. on downstairs and knowing Charlie would still be up. I couldn't believe I had slept all day, but I knew how bad I needed it. I walked downstairs to the living room, and stopped dead in my tracks to see Billy in a deep conversation with Charlie. A familiar pain came back to me when Billy's eyes met mine. They were so much like Jacob's. Seeing them now only hurt, cutting me deep. I couldn't look at him anymore. So I walked into the kitchen as my eyes welled up with new tears, getting a bottle of water and patiently waiting for Billy to leave. I heard him wheel himself into the kitchen behind me. "Bella..." He said, a sincerity in his voice that I immediately recognized. I didn't want to turn around and look at him, simply because I had fallen apart enough today but I did anyway, out of respect. This wasn't Billy's fault. I looked at him, folding my arms around myself in an attempt to hold myself together.
"I'm sorry." He said, "Very sorry... Jake's-" He paused looking down at the floor. "He's a mess right now. I wish I could tell you more than that, but I can't." He finished, giving me a nod, and wheeling himself around to head out the front door. I don't know what came over me, but I had to say it. I wanted Jake to know. The words came bursting out from within me before I could stop them.
"I love him." I said, as my tears welled up and spilled over.
Billy stopped where he was, slowly turning himself back to me. I looked in his eyes, seeing in that moment, that he already knew my blunt confession. "You hang in there, Bella. Just hang in there, dear." He sighed, as Charlie began pushing him out into the damp night and helping him into his ride's vehicle.
"Sorry, Bella." Charlie said in a defeated tone when he came back inside."Honey, I tried, but Billy won't saying anything to me either. Just that he thinks it's a phase."
I rolled my eyes, and wiped away the tears. "Yeah, right. Some freaking phase." I said, with sarcasm to Charlie, not meeting his eyes, as I walked back up the stairs and to my room. All I wanted to do was sleep. There was no point in staying awake just so I could feel more misery. My phone rang again, and I glanced over at it, seeing it was Jake for the tenth time. I reached for it, debating on whether to take his call. No... Don't. He said all he had to say. There was no sense in answering his call to hear him say it all again.
I shut the phone off again and laid back down, wanting nothing more than for sleep to take me away from this hell I was living.
The days rolled by, one by one and I went on with life as best I could. I would go to school, and come home to make dinner for charlie. That was about it. I cringed every time Jake called. Which was at least four times a day. I wanted to talk to him, so much it hurt, but I feared it would probably be more of the same. Him telling me things were better this way. I simply didn't want to hear any of that Bullshit. So I used my phone rarely. Keeping it off most of the time. Each time he would call, I found it increasingly difficult not to answer him. Like my heart and my head were fighting with each other, and I had no idea who was winning at this point.
A week had passed since I had seen him outside his house in the pouring rain, and nothing seemed to be getting any easier. I needed to do something... anything.
I remembered a time when Jake had seen Sam Uley and Quil, cliff diving when we were driving to test out the bikes. It nearly gave me a heart attack. I thought Sam had pushed Quil off the cliff and into the water below. Jacob had assured me it was harmless cliff diving, and nothing more. He had said it was a total rush... A Rush...
I decided to take the highway to the cliff in La 'Push, desperately needing to hear that angelic voice again. I craved it like never before, after days of nothingness... No Sun. No Jacob, I was in complete darkness, and I urgently needed something to pull me out of it. I drove to the spot where the cliff was, parked the truck, and climbed the small hiking trail that lead to it. I came out of the forest, and was standing on the cliff I had seen that day with Jake. I walked slowly towards the edge, peeking down, seeing the mighty waves slam into the rocks below. The sea was rough because it was windy. I didn't care, I would do whatever it took to hear his voice again, to feel something... anything.
I took off my jacket and my shoes and socks, tossing them on the ground next to me. I removed my watch too, and laid it there with the rest of my belongings. I slowly closed my eyes, feeling the wind whip around me, blowing my hair behind me fiercely, as I softly heard the small angelic voice I had been craving, come back to me like a sweet melody.
I took a few steps back and ran full tilt forward, jumping off the rugged cliff. The wind flew up under me. The speed was a thrill. I soon splashed into the water below, feeling the coldness of it, and swam madly for the surface. I came to the top of the water, inhaling deeply, and seeing all the waves around me, smiling for a moment, thinking I had done it, only to turn around and see a massive swell of waves coming at me. I plunged under quickly, holding my breath for as long as I possibly could. The waves knocked into me, one after another, after another. The angry sea seeming to take its wrath of vengeance out on me. Thrashing my body about like a rag doll helpless to it's rage. I fought hard to resurface and felt my energy begin to squander fast. I knew then that this might be death staring me in the face. My lungs burned with the need of air my body was not receiving. The darkness took me under and I selfishly, willingly succumbed to it.
I soon, suddenly felt a wave of heat run through me, warming me to the bone. I thought maybe this was how death really felt. Warm and not cold like everyone had always thought it had been. The pain in my head, lessened, though my lungs continued to burn with great intensity. I felt like I was being suffocated. My eyes flew open in shock, seeing the grey sky above me. I stared up at it, not moving, not blinking, and feeling a warm hand touch my face .
"Bella... Bells..." The voice called to me. My eyes slowly followed it, landing on the most handsome face... Jacob.
I tried to speak but couldn't. My throat felt like sand had been in it, scrapping raggedly up and down with every breath I took, making the seemingly simple task of breathing become a struggle. I sat up quickly, causing my head to spin, water pouring from my mouth as I coughed up the remnants of the salty sea. Jacob scooped me up, holding me to him. I was so confused. What the hell happened? Why was he here? He carried me over to a piece of driftwood, and sat me down there, crouching in front of me. I looked down into his eyes, seeing they were not the cold eyes I had been met with before. They were Jake's. Warm, caring, fierce, and nurturing... All Jacob. He took my hands in his.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He asked me in a tense tone. I blinked, trying to find an appropriate response and ultimately failing to provide him one for my reckless behavior.
"I... wanted to-... see something."
Jacob shook his head. "Come here." He said scooping me back up, and taking me to my truck. He placed me in the passenger side, and swiftly drove me home.
The ride there was silent. I didn't know what to say. After days and days of ignoring his every call, he still showed up when I needed him the most.
"You didn't have to save me." I whispered, barely loud enough for my own ears to hear.
Jacob hit the brakes on the truck, suddenly slamming them on and pulling over to the side of the road. He looked my way, eye's piercing through me. "I will always save you, Bella. No matter what."
I was beyond confused as I stared back at him, biting my tongue and holding in all I had to say until I couldn't anymore. I shook my head fiercely, feeling angry as the hot tears soon clouded my vision. "Really... Really! Cause a week ago you said we couldn't be friends anymore, Jake!" I yelled in frustration, though my tone was shaky with emotion.
I saw him visibly wince at my words. "Bells- I..."
"No! Don't! Just take me home!" I turned my face away from him, and stared out my window, watching the tree's blur by as he pulled back out onto the main road and already feeling immense guilt for taking such a harsh tone with him.
Jacob soon pulled into my driveway, and thankfully Charlie wasn't home. I got out, freezing cold, and didn't say a ward to him as I took my keys out of his hands. "Thanks" I quickly muttered to him, hurriedly walking away from him and into the house, before I lost my nerve and did what I really wanted to do... throw my arms around him and tell him how damn much I missed him.
Jacob stayed where he was until I reached the front door. It was then that I heard him as he ran up over the steps, stopping me from going inside. "Bells... Wait... please." The pleading I heard in his voice almost did me in. But I was head strong and still angry as hell from before.
I whirled around, looking him square in the eyes."Go home Jake! Call your new best friend Sam! I'm sure he can give you a ride back to the Reservation!" I said, turning his own words against him now. He visibly winced and reached for me. I pulled away from him, and went in the house, shutting and locking the door behind me. My resolve slipping away from me like sand through ones fingers. I leaned my back against the closed door, feeling my throat grow thick with emotion. I swear I could feel Jacob still on the other side of the door, as I reached my hand up, almost turning the knob to see but thinking better of it. For I knew that if by chance he was still there, I'd never be able to keep this act up.
After a few minutes, I pulled myself together, and went to take a hot shower. Anything to warm up a bit. I threw my wet clothes into the washer, knowing they would need to be washed to get the sand out of them. I didn't need Charlie finding them like this. He would surely ask me some questions. I dressed and dried my hair, picking up any evidence of my little adventure on the cliff... If Charlie knew... I shuddered at the thought and checked my clothes in the washer, shaking all the sand out of them prior to starting the load. When I had finished erasing any and all physical evidence of my rash decision, I went to my room and crawled in bed under the covers, trying to get warm. I laid there thinking of the pain I saw on Jake's face before he left and reaching over for my phone, seeing he had called me again.
I thought of all the times he had been there for me, knowing I at least owed him the chance to explain. Placing my phone back down, I decided I would call him tomorrow upon feeling my eyes get heavy. I fell asleep and awoke to the sound of tapping on my window a few short hours later. It was pitch black in my room when I forced my eyes open. I glanced over at my alarm clock, seeing it was midnight and getting to my feet slowly, feeling a bit of fear as I looked out my window. I reluctantly glanced down to see Jake standing there at the bottom, his eye's meeting mine through the window. They pleaded with me to talk to him and I could no longer deny him that, or anything else for that matter. I turned on my lamp, and went into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face and quickly brushing my hair and teeth. I couldn't believe I had slept the afternoon away again.
I quickly tip toed my way down over the stairs, so I wouldn't wake Charlie, who was sound asleep in his room. His loud snoring evident proof of that. I threw on my jacket by the door and took a deep breath before opening it. Jake stood over by my truck, pacing back and forth. His new look, still shocking me a bit. He was still just as handsome as ever, just not what I was used to. I already missed his beautiful long hair, but his face remained to be the one I loved so much. With his now short haircut, I could see more of his handsome features, which was the only small added bonus to whatever the hell he was into with Sam Uley. I shuddered at the thought, and zipped up my Jacket, placing my hands in my pockets and slowly walking toward him. He saw me and stopped pacing instantly. A mix of longing and hurt crossing his features.
"So, I'm here." I whispered to him, not knowing what else to say. I noticed his dark eyes sweep over me once, as if to be sure that I remained in tact. After my ridiculous stunt earlier, who the hell could blame him? His eyes met mine and I felt my heart begin to race. He took three long strides, closing the distance between us.
"Look, I'm sorry." He whispered, in a desperate tone. I stepped back from him, feeling his inviting warmth make me want to wrap myself in him, but I needed answers. Right now.
I placed a hand on his chest, keeping it there for a few moments, marveling at his warmth. He felt warmer to me somehow. I quickly removed my hand, remembering to keep my nerve.
"For What? Not telling me the truth? What exactly is the truth?" I asked him in a clipped tone of my own.
"I screwed up Bells, I'm sorry." He said, taking another small step toward me. His warmth surrounded me, and he hadn't even touched me yet. I nodded slowly, trying to understand. He reached for me, slowly pulling me to him. I didn't fight him because I truly didn't want to. I wanted him with me. He sighed and held me tight. "I'm sorry." He whispered, warmly into my ear. "Can we talk? Please Bells?"
I slowly pulled away from him, hearing his voice become shaky on the last word. I felt like someone had stabbed me when I saw his eyes brim with tears. The knife twisted in my stomach when I realized I had hurt him worse than I thought.
I didn't hesitate to hug him. Heavy guilt for my actions washed it way through me now. "Jake... I- I'm sorry... I..."
"No, it's not your fault. I pushed you away. They told me not to come, but I did anyway. I had to see you." He stated, his arms tightening around me.
I was infuriated to think that Sam, and the rest of them, had told him to stay away from me. Clearly against his own wishes. What kind of people do that?
"Okay. Let's talk, but we're gonna have to be quiet... for Charlie." I said glancing up at his bedroom window.
Jacob nodded, and reached for my hand, taking it securely in his and lacing our fingers together. My very heart began to warm at his touch. We both stopped walking, glancing down at our hands together. I gave him half a smile when his eyes met mine, and saw a small smile of his own form in return. I didn't pull my hand away. I didn't want to. I had missed him in a way I could not describe. In a way that shocked even myself as we walked back into the house, silently going to my room. I slowly closed the door behind me as Jake sat down on the bed, running a hand through his newly chopped hair. That would take some real getting used to. But as I stood there, and looked at him in the light of my room, I noticed more of his features and felt the new haircut slowly beginning to grow on me. Butterflies invaded my stomach as his eyes met mine from across the room. I stood nervously over by my window, anxiously awaiting for him to say something.
He glanced up at me, looking to be deep in thought. "Bella... I've alway's been able to tell you everything."
"You can." I said softly. Wanting to know what was going on and desperate to find out.
He sighed heavily, clearly frustrated. "But this is different. I literally can't tell you."
His eyes pierced mine as he stood up, and I knew he was being honest. I walked over to him, reaching up and running my fingers through his now short hair.
"I hate this, Jake! I hate this! I hate the secrets and being away from you. I hate what they've done to you." .
Jacob reached up, taking my hand in his, and looking down at it. His breath hitched momentarily when he saw my crescent shaped scar from James. He stroked it lightly with his thumb. I pulled my hand away, feeling exposed suddenly and sliding my sleeve down over it.
"I hate this, too. The crazy thing is... you already know." He said urgently to me. I thought hard as to what he could be saying. What he could possibly mean but I ultimately still came up empty.
"Bella, I want to tell you. I really do. But I just can't. I'm bound not to."
His words made me lift my head to meet his gaze instantly. Anger uncurled itself within me as I looked him in the eyes, seeing the truth to his words. Whatever he was into with Sam was seeming to be as dangerous and as serious as I had feared it may be all along.