The Legends Still Live On
Bogen Einundzwanzig: Der amerikanische Weg
Kapitel Ein: Es ist Weihnachten in Saunders!
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"Hey, whatcha got there, Miholein?" Erich curiously asked as he approached Miho.
The light brunette Panzer ace was standing by the table in their shared apartment sifting through a package when she heard her companion's inquiry and briefly turned her head to look over her shoulder at the blonde. She smiled and turned back. "Saunders sent us a package with some interesting stuff inside," Miho responded as she held up a calendar to inspect.
"Oh?" Erich raised an eyebrow. He came up behind the light brunette to get a closer look. "Like what?"
"Well, there's this calendar," Miho shook the calendar in her hand to emphasize. "Plus there's also a flash drive in there. We'll have to find out later what's on it." She then flipped open the calendar to the first page. "So you want to see what this calendar is all about?"
"Sure," the blonde shrugged as he observed from over Miho's shoulder as they both dived into the calendar.
The first calendar picture was one of Kay, Naomi, and Alisa on top of one of Saunders' numerous Shermans. The American tank had a gun barrel that had 'Saunders' painted on it in white, reminiscent of the famous Fury Sherman. The three American tanker girls were perched atop the tank with confident poses. Kay was perched on the hull crouching right next to the gun barrel, while Naomi and Alisa were on the turret standing through the open hatches.
The next portrait was, again, of Kay, Naomi, and Alisa. This photo was far more indecent in nature, as the three girls stood facing the sunset and away from the camera, wearing nothing more than the bottom garment of a bikini and with their arms around each other's backs as they looked back to the camera. Kay, in the center of the trio, was the only one that looked like she enjoyed that shot, as Alisa had a face tinged with the red of embarrassment while Naomi was just nonchalantly blowing a bubble with some gum. One small detail that Erich almost immediately caught sight of was how there were letters written across the girls' backs with sunscreen that, when read from left to right, read 'Saunders.' Alisa had 'SAU' on her back – the blond-haired German snorted in amusement at that, as Sau was also the German word for a female pig and sometimes used as a prefix for rather creative insults, which earned him a smack from his companion – while Kay had 'NDE' on her back and Naomi rounded it out with 'RS' on her own back.
The next picture was mostly of Kay, as the other two girls were in the background doing their own thing. Kay was photographed up close as she removed her sunglasses while giving a wink. All in the photo were in the Saunders Panzerkraft uniform somewhere near some shrubbery.
Another photo only included Kay in the same Saunders Panzerkraft outfit, and she was crouched atop the hull of another M4 with her shirt ridden up, exposing her midsection. She held an arm up behind her head to seemingly quell her flowing hair from rippling with the wind, unsuccessfully though. Said arm was outside of her jacket, which allowed the garment to join her hair and ripple as the wind passed by.
The next photo put Kay in a skimpy cowgirl outfit, with a leather corset that nearly had her cleavage spilling out of her shirt. It didn't bother the American one bit, though, as she grinned and winked at the camera while toting a revolver with one hand.
Along those same lines, another photo had Kay in a skimpy waitress outfit this time, including a collar with a bowtie. She was bent over, being sure to expose as much of her assets to the camera as possible, while holding up a tray of cocktails with one hand.
Both Erich and Miho continued flipping through the calendar gazing at more pin-ups of Kay until reaching the final month, December. It was, predictably, a holiday-themed portrait, with Kay wielding a sack in one hand while waving to a crowd enthusiastically with the other hand. She had on that same skimpy Santa-like outfit that she always seemed to prefer to wear at that time of year. It included a relatively short skirt, an upper garment that only covered her upper abdomen and most of her cleavage, gloves that reached the middle of her forearm, a collar with a yellow bell, and a Santa hat, all in the same red color with white edges.
An awkward silence ensued between both Erich and Miho, as each comprehended exactly what they had just seen from the calendar.
"Well…" the blonde broke the silence eventually, as well as unceremoniously. "I'm assuming that was Kay's gift." He then looked over to the light brunette to find her blankly staring at the calendar's last portrait, as if broken from the onslaught of pin-ups. Erich gently pried the calendar out of her hands and shut it before putting it back on the table and grabbing the flash drive. "And I think this is what Chuck gave us. Let's see what's on this now. How about it?"
The light brunette blinked rapidly a few times before coming back to the world. "Oh! Yes!" she responded while pointedly keeping her gaze aimed anywhere besides the blond-haired ultra-ace in front of her, lest she feel even more awkward.
They both headed over to the computer in the corner of the apartment, where Erich occupied the chair and Miho stood behind him. The blonde plugged the flash drive in and, upon opening up its contents on screen, found a single video file within it. He opened the file and hit the play button.
Immediately, a ton of fanfare went off as horns blew while streamers and confetti rained down from above. Miho's hands went up to cover her ears the instant the horns started blowing, but Erich simply sat there and watched, completely unaffected by the noise. His hearing was already accustomed to extremely loud noises considering his preference to listening to heavy metal music.
"MEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS!" the two heard the distinctively loud and boisterous voices of Kay and Chuck boom over the speakers. The camera then moved to display the two Americans themselves.
"Hiya, Miho!" Kay waved to the camera with one hand while holding a few streamers with the other. "And you too, Erich! You're watching this, too, I'm guessing. If you were forced to by your girl, then my apologies in advance for the struggle!" The blonde buxom American had on that same skimpy Santa-themed outfit she had worn in one of the calendar portraits, with one change: instead of a skirt, Kay had gone with a thong that had two white puffs like the one on the end of her Santa hat, one per side.
"Anyway!" Chuck got them back on track. He was wearing a typical Santa outfit, albeit with the notable exclusion of the large white beard. Add to that his far more slender build compared to Saint Nick, and how the outfit was specifically tailored to such a body. "Today, we're gonna show you our traditional Saunders Christmas party!"
"YEEEEEAAAAAH!" all of the other party attendees cheered, clearly upholding the image of the wild party they were involved in. Over in the corner of the camera's view, it was possible to see Naomi and Christian clinking some glasses together, filled with who knew what. While it wasn't legal for the Americans to have alcohol below twenty-one years of age, it wasn't possible to determine if anyone at Saunders had managed to disregard that law and bring in some alcohol anyway.
It made no difference to Christian, as he immediately knocked his drink back, finishing it in one fell swoop. The two crack shots of the school also wore festive outfits like Kay and Chuck did, though they were more reserved than the two captains. Naomi had a simple red strapless dress to go with a bell that hung around her neck as well as her Santa hat. Christian, meanwhile, had on one of those godawful Christmas sweaters that nobody wanted as a gift, yet the brunette crack pilot didn't seem to mind that. In fact, he seemed to embrace how everyone cringed when they caught sight of the sweater, as if it was his plan to just troll everyone at the party with it. Nevertheless, he also had a Santa hat on.
"Well…" Erich began from his place watching the video, which had changed somewhat. While still seated in the chair, he himself was also being used as a chair by Miho, for whatever reason. "Seems the Ami have to make Christmas ultra-flashy, too…"
"So, Miho, Erich," Kay said to the camera with all the pep of the party around her fully embracing her. "We really wanted to invite you two here along with the rest of Ooarai, but unfortunately our ships were too far away from each other for you to just fly over."
"We're somewhere around Hawaii right now, I believe," Chuck specified the USS George Washington's rough location. "And I don't think your 109 can fly far enough to reach us, Erich, even with that triple drop tank setup I've seen a bit of."
"So that's why we sent you this video!" Kay interjected again. She continued as she gestured around the place with one hand, showing nothing less than a full-swing party. "That way, even if you guys can't come here, then you can at least enjoy the atmosphere!"
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"Hey, you getting all this, Ray?!" Chuck hollered over the noise of the party to Ray, who was recording the American Squadron Leader's actions with a video camera.
The American night fighter pilot took a second to stop chewing on a chicken leg to respond, "Yeah, I'm getting it." Ray was looking rather nonchalant about the whole ordeal, which was somewhat humorous when one got a look at his outfit. It resembled those worn by one of Santa's elves; green coat, pointy ears, and everything.
"Well, in that case…" Kay turned around to address the party. "Everyone! Let's all have a fucking blast tonight!"
"YEEEEEAAAAAH!" the cheers of agreement resounded from the other partyers. All except for Ray. He handed the video camera off to Alisa, dressed for the occasion in a strapless dress with multiple graphics adorning it that eventually came together to resemble outer space, with several stars and rings to stand out against the dark fabric of the dress.
"God…" Ray shook his head in exasperation before bringing up a fresh chicken leg to eat, leaving Alisa to deal with the video-making business. "I'm already fucking exhausted. Such is what happens when you get to put up with idiotic superiors whose favorite hobby is partying. Because only from one of their minds would the idea hatch to throw a party for any reason at all." The American night fighter pilot took a bite out of his chicken leg before resuming his contemplations. "Besides, how is it that Kay isn't cold wearing stuff like that?"
"Oi, Ray!" Chuck's voice called out before the American Squadron Leader's hand grabbed Ray's collar and dragged him over. "Get over here!"
Ray nearly choked on his chicken leg, but was somehow able to avoid doing so as his captain dragged him over for a picture.
"One, two, Saunders!" Chuck gave the count for the photographer to take the photo, which involved him, Ray, and Christian. The captain had his arms around the two in a brotherly way, while Ray uncomfortably smiled for the camera. Christian just stood there in an aloof manner with a cool grin that time and time again proved to immediately have girls fawning over him.
The photo was taken, and afterwards, Ray took the chance to run off, away from the invasive Chuck. He chose to make his way to the food table and become even more of a glutton than he was already being with his downing of chicken legs.
"Ah, food…" the American night fighter pilot moaned in delight. "Sweet, glorious food…"
As Ray reached for the chicken leg bucket, a pair of smaller hands plucked the entire bucket up from the table and walked off with it, which stunned the night fighter pilot a bit, until he saw who it was. He had to fight the overwhelming instinct to punch Kay in the face and instead with a scowl watched as she walked off with the entire bucket. The blonde buxom American didn't seem to notice anything amiss with her actions as she took three chicken legs and started to wolf them all down simultaneously.
And then came the orders from superiors. The night continued on with Ray being brought along to do favors or do something that either Chuck or Kay had asked of him, with neither of the commanders bothering to pay any mind to his wanting of just a moment to relax.
"Hey, Ray!" Kay called with a wave at one time. "Take one over here, too!"
"Yeah, I'm getting it," the night fighter pilot replied as he fiddled with a camera to take a photo of the Panzerkraft Captain and the rest of the party.
Another time began with Chuck interjecting with a, "Hey, Ray, hold this for me please!" That was followed up with the Squadron Leader dropping a large box into Ray's awaiting hands.
"Yes, sir," the night fighter pilot automatically replied.
"Take this, too!" Kay came by and dropped several excess decorations into the box, the weight of which nearly made Ray double over with trying to keep the load held up.
And yet another time came the orders, which this time had Ray on a ladder by the large Christmas tree after Chuck had barked, "Ray, what are you doing?! Those decorations are way too thinly dispersed!"
"Yes, sir," Ray gave the automatic response as he continued to sling up ribbons and ornaments onto the tree.
Eventually, after getting that tree decorating business sorted out, Ray had enough of being a grunt. "Agh! God-fucking-dammit!" he snapped. "I can't even get a fucking minute just so I can eat!" He then caught sight of Christian skulking his way out of the area while silently chuckling. "And of course, that slippery snake, Christian! He thinks he's so clever with sneaking away and making sure I get all the dirty work!"
He then looked down into one of his hands, which held the video camera he was entrusted with to record the party. Turning it to face him, he calmed down rather abruptly and grew a dastardly grin.
"Well…" he began to contemplate as he looked into the camera, still recording, by the way. "Normally I would've boiled over and raged by now, and I would leave it at that."
"Hey, isn't it about time now?" a shorter fellow asked Ray, cutting him off from continuing his mantra.
"Yeah, okay, I'll be there!" the night fighter pilot quickly dismissed him, not even bothering to note that it was his usual radar operator he was talking to. Nevertheless, the shortie took the hint and left to go elsewhere.
Ray then turned his face back to the camera, still with that same grin of mischief. "But things are going to be very different this evening…"
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Later, in a secluded area of the party where almost nobody went, Ray emerged in a completely different outfit. Overall, it was a typical Santa outfit, though there were some unusual additions, like spiked shoulder pads and a hockey mask. Also added to the ensemble were a hatchet that rested on his right hip in a Jerry-rigged holster and an M4 Carbine that had been slung over his right shoulder.
"All ready to carry out today's special event, Operation Charm Chucking, better known as Operation Bloody Saint Nick!" Ray announced as he saluted crisply.
"Hooah, Lieutenant Ray," Christian acknowledged with a nod. "Now we'll go over the operational plan!"
"Sir, yes, sir!" the night fighter pilot stood at attention to be briefed.
"Now," the crack pilot began to brief in earnest, and Ray followed along mentally. "Disguised as jolly old Saint Nick, you'll infiltrate the house via the chimney, barge out from the fireplace, and then pass off the charming Christmas gift to the target! Then, firmly capture the moment the charm is a grand success on a spectacular photo. That's the plan, hooah?!"
"Hooah!" Ray confirmed.
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"Oh, I'm so looking forward to what kind of face Chuck'll make when I come down all guns blazing, hahahaha!" Ray rambled on aloud to himself as he waited around for the go-ahead signal. Not much time had passed since the briefing, only a few minutes. "That'll be the height of tonight's party, I'm sure of it… Maybe if I'm lucky I can find some girl fawning over me and make her mine…"
"Oi, it's about time, Ray!" Christian alerted from nearby as he brought his head back behind the corner he was peeking around.
"Understood!" the night fighter pilot saluted an affirmative. "Ray, moving out!"
"Good luck, and God speed!" the crack pilot returned the salute and wished good fortune.
Ray moved into position, getting to the top of the house quickly and onto the roof in no time at all. A few people accompanied him on the journey before they halted at the chimney, where Ray began to climb in with a sack over his shoulder.
"Good luck, and be careful!" one of those with him said as the night fighter pilot began to descend.
"Go take a peek at where the Squadron Leader is inside!" Ray requested before donning his hockey mask and holding his M4 Carbine at the ready. "I'll come in at the critical moment!"
"We'll be expecting you!" the other that accompanied Ray informed.
"All right!" the night fighter pilot began to descend in earnest. "Here we go!" And descend he did.
Until it all came to a slamming halt, literally. The walls of the chimney rapidly came down on Ray and halted him dead in his descent, putting him in the awkward position where he couldn't really move. At all.
"… Huh?" was the blank response from Ray initially. After squirming and trying to flex all the muscles in his body, he then started to panic. "Wait, what?! No! I… I can't be stuck!"
But the night fighter pilot knew it was no use denying it, because he indeed was stuck in the chimney. And perhaps the worst part in all that was that nobody noticed. To everyone inside and around the fireplace, there seemed to be nothing wrong. So the party raged on with its same intense vigor.
"M-Mayday!" Ray tried to report in. "Mayday! Fucking mayday! Can anyone hear… Oh, fuck me! I didn't bring my phone!" He tried to move again in the hopes of trying to at least slide a bit in any direction, to no avail. "Dammit, what now? I can't head back up, nor can I slide down… Goddammit, I'm fucked! I can't slide down any farther than this…" The night fighter pilot finally sighed in defeat. "I'm finished… Might as well call for help."
'But wait!' a dissenting part of his mind thought. 'If that happened…' Ray's mind filled in the blank with an image of literally everybody laughing at him, Kay the loudest of all. Also there was Christian who was simply shaking his head in disappointment, and it was easy to tell that it was disappointment in Ray himself.
"Just light up the fireplace and burn me alive…" Ray pleaded, even though nobody could hear him. "That'd be better than utter humiliation for all of eternity…" He remained silent as he silently begged for somebody to simply notice him and get help to get him out of his humiliating position.
He got his prayers answered, seemingly, when he heard someone call out below, "RAY!" His eyes shot downward as hope flooded through him.
"Ray!" Chuck called out around the party down below as he looked around for the black head of hair that belonged to Ray, to no success. "I haven't seen him around for a while now. Where'd he go? Raaaay!"
"Huh…" Christian hummed in response while he thought how to answer Chuck's question, soon coming up with a suitable answer that didn't give away anything he knew about Ray's current whereabouts. "Well, ain't that something. I don't see him, either."
Chuck soon tried calling Ray on his phone while Christian kept on subtly dissuading the Squadron Leader from finding out where the night fighter pilot went. "Maybe he just went out to get something real quick?" he offered as a suggestion. He kept his poker face like a champ.
"Well, fuck, I can't get a hold of him…" Chuck noted in disappointment as his call went to voicemail. He didn't take too much notice of Christian's assuring, as he was bent on trying to find Ray no matter what.
'Why do I feel that he just wants me to do some more grunt work…' Ray thought from his place stuck in the chimney as he listened to Chuck and Christian talking.
"Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back before you know it," Christian continued his game of subtly dissuading Chuck. "So let's just keep on partying our asses off here and-"
"Wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Chuck interrupted with a booming amount of incredulity in his voice. "What kind of words are those?!"
Ray turned his attention to listening again, hearing Chuck full well and curious about what he was up to now.
"What the fuck are we gonna do if he finds himself in a heap of trouble and we're not there to help him out?!" Chuck fired back at Christian.
The crack shot held up his hands in surrender, wisely choosing to concede to the Squadron Leader rather than continue trying to push him away from Ray's whereabouts. If he had continued his attempts, Christian knew that Chuck would eventually go look for Ray on his own, and that he wouldn't be able to be stopped.
Chuck switched gears and moved to gather everyone's attention. "Hey everybody, listen up for a sec!" he beckoned with a booming voice to the party. "Did anyone here see Ray within the last few minutes? Because I know Ray, and he's not the kind of person who just leaves without a word!"
"Huh?" Ray muttered in confusion bordering on shock at Chuck's sudden passionate speech. "What the hell is going on down there?"
"Chuck, come off your soapbox," Christian sarcastically begged his superior to just drop the subject. He deliberately chose to be sarcastic, when in fact it was a very real beg, to prevent Chuck from unearthing his part in the little conundrum that, with the Squadron Leader's calling, had become a big conundrum.
"I'll stay on my soapbox as I damn well please, which won't be when I'm still hopped up like this!" Chuck returned to the crack pilot. "Because Ray's one of our brothers-in-arms, and we don't just leave behind a brother!"
The night fighter pilot stuck in the chimney lost the ability to form words for a moment as he replayed the words of Chuck in his head, just to make sure he heard them right. Finally, he renewed his struggle to break free from his trapped position in the chimney, armed with the motivation he had taken from his Squadron Leader's strong words on camaraderie.
"Ngh… Come on!" Ray grunted as he squirmed a bit more, until he realized it wasn't necessarily him that was stuck. It was just the clothing that was caught, which wasn't a surprise given how thick his outfit was. The night fighter pilot noticed that, and so he relaxed himself as he slowly but surely started to make his way out of the outfit, one twitch of his muscles at a time.
Ray soon got free of his outfit, which resulted in an unceremonious plummet into the fireplace. "Ow, fuck!" he grunted on landing. At least the fireplace wasn't lit, luckily for him. The night fighter pilot was now in just an undershirt, a pair of boxers, and his socks thanks to shedding his Santa outfit. "Oooooh, that hurts!" He recovered from the stab of pain very quickly, though, as he grew joyous from finally being free. "But I did it! I'm finally out!"
He was ecstatic at being free… until he looked up, and his heart leapt into his throat from the stab of fear he felt.
"Merry Christmas!" everyone at the party wished as they surrounded the fireplace. Everyone was wearing hockey masks and wielding weapons of varying nature at Ray, ranging from Beretta M9s to M4 Carbines to hatchets and even lightsabers and chainsaws. At the very front closest to Ray were Christian, Chuck, Kay, and Naomi. Christian had two Winchester Model 1887 lever-action shotguns, wielding one in each hand, Terminator style. Chuck had a sledgehammer, Naomi had dual Berettas, and Kay had a simple ball-pean hammer. But Kay's other hand held a far more devastating weapon to Ray: the video camera, recording him.
"Reverse Charm, a grand success!" Kay declared.
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"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Ray's bellow of terror forced Miho to cover her ears yet again, which saved her from the sounds of all of Saunders' weapons going off as well.
Erich, as usual, wasn't bothered one bit by the sound. In fact, he looked giddy as he watched the rest of the video carry on as the partyers all chased down the fear-ridden Ray. "You know, now I really want to head to one of Saunders' parties now," he opined. "Because they look fun!"
"Yeah… 'fun,'" Miho left her reply as it was while she watched Chuck and Christian demask themselves and share a grand laugh beside a caught and soulless Ray. 'Fun' wasn't the word the light brunette would use to describe Saunders' parties. "Saunders sure throws… interesting parties…"
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Part of Projekt Jägermeistern.
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The author doesn't claim to own "Girls und Panzer" or any other references made. "Girls und Panzer" belongs to Actas. Any references made belong to their respective owners.
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