Chapter 3: Hole In My Heart
Bella's POV
Sometimes I wish that it were possible for me to cry. Just to let out all of my emotions. I could never do that though. Being denied the simple action of crying made it next to impossible for me to convey to the world just how much I was still hurting after all these years.
26 years wasn't even close to being enough to erase the pain caused by the loss of a baby. A baby I never even got to see or hold. A baby that never even got the chance to live.
I can still remember the day that I found I was pregnant as if it were just yesterday. I never imagined myself as a mother. The thought of having a child had never even crossed my mind. Yet, the from moment I found out that she was coming I loved her with all of my heart. I vowed to do everything and anything that I could to protect her.
Protect her I did. From the very beginning. Edward wanted me to abort because he thought I would die if I didn't abort. Carlisle desperately wanted to perform the procedure because my baby was incompatible with my body and as a result was killing me. My whole family had wanted me to abort. They saw my baby as nothing more than a fetus that was slowly sucking my life away. Everyone except Rosalie that was.
I'll forever be grateful to Rosalie for helping me so much during my pregnancy. For keeping everyone else at bay so that my baby might have the chance to live.
Even Jacob wanted me to end my pregnancy. I took a deep calming breath as I thought about my best friend. I hadn't seen Jacob in 26 years. Not since the night I gave birth. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times Jacob angrily told me to "get rid of that thing," . He kept on insisting that my baby was just a bloodsucking monster that was killing me.
Yet, despite everything, Jacob still stuck around. His presence still made me happy despite everything that was happening. Even if he didn't agree with what I was doing he was still there for me.
Edward told me that after I gave birth Jacob thought that I had died. Jacob ran off into the woods as a wolf never to be seen again. If I had to guess I would say that Jacob never phased back. Pain he had said before was easier to handle as an animal than as a human being.
I wish that I had that luxury. When I woke up three days later as a vampire my daughter was the first thing I asked for was my baby. Nobody dared to answer me at first. So I asked for my baby again.
"I'm so sorry Bella but she didn't make it," Carlisle informed me in a sad tone of voice. "Edward said that when he got her out it was already to late. She suffocated,"
"Where is she?!" I demanded to know. "Where is she?!" I cried out in pain.
"I buried her already," Edward said. "I thought it would be best if you didn't see her deceased body so I buried her before anyone could see her,"
I attacked Edward for that. I was beyond angry that he denied me the one chance I had to see and hold my daughter. My Renesmee. How dare Edward make decisions like that for me without even so much as consulting me.
What bothered me even more was Edward's total lack of emotion as he told me everything. As if our daughter meant absolutely nothing to him. It was infuriating. When I confronted him about it he just said that was "his way of coping," . I didn't believe it but I let the subject drop.
Nothing was ever the same after that. In the short amount of time I had Renesmee inside of me she made a lasting impact on me. She had left a whole in my heart that would never ever be healed. My baby girl. My sweet innocent baby girl.
Edward didn't understand why I still mourned her loss so many years later. How I not still mourn the loss of a sweet innocent baby girl that never got the chance to live? What I never understood is why he never appeared to mourn in her the first place.
"Mom?" I looked up when I heard my 16 year old son Anthony walk in. "Are you okay?"
Ten years after losing Renesmee Edward suggested adopting another baby. Thinking somehow that would lessen the pain of losing Nessie.
I went along with the idea thinking that it would work. We found Anthony in the foster system when he was a newborn. I loved my son but he could never replace Nessie.
"Mom?" he looked at me worriedly
"I'm okay honey don't worry. Just go to school already. I'm probably not going in today,"
Adopting Anthony had been dangerous in more ways than one. There was always the risk of one of us losing control and hurting him or worse. Of course there was the Volturi. If they even found out about him, well, just the thought made me shudder. Yet both Carlisle and Edward thought the benefits of me adopting another baby and raising him as my own outweighed the risks.
We agreed to turn Anthony into a vampire when he turned 17. Anthony wanted to wait until he was 18 so that way he'd "legally be an adult," but I didn't want to wait that much longer. The Volturi hadn't bothered us in 26 years but that could always change at any moment.
I loved my son but he could never replace my daughter. No one would ever replace her. Nothing could ever take away the pain that comes with losing a baby. Nothing could ever heal the hole in my heart.
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