Oh dear Mavis, this chapter nearly ripped my heart out. I won't lie and tell you I didn't sit there and sob while I was writing it. It was agonizing and emotionally wrecking for me, and I am officially a damn mess right now.

I have no idea why I do this to myself, why I do this to you guys as well, but it just feels like it needs to be told. There's something inside me that won't let this story die. Maybe it's because so many people seem so ignorant of the lasting effects of a tragedy like this. I don't know, but I want to tell this tale.

And I know a lot of you are ready to see Lucy whole again, and so do I. But the truth is, that can't happen over night. A hurt like this goes deep, and it affects every aspect of life - friends, family, relationships. Everything that was known before comes into question, because suddenly, you're not as safe as you thought you were. It's real, and it's dark.

And no, I've never been in this devastating position, and I can't even imagine how horrible it is to try to fight your way back to a place of peace after something like that. But I can try. And that's what this story is. My attempt to show that long and arduous path back to hope. To show just how much strength these people have to get through this and start anew.

I am honored by those of you who have trusted me with the truth of your own experience, and I am truly humbled by your belief in my story. I can't express how much it means to me to know that I am doing this justice, and I am so thankful to have such an opportunity.

Thank you for your support.

Hiro Mashima owns Fairy Tail.

CHAPTER 33: STILL HERE

LUCY'S POV

I was back there again. Somehow I'd returned to my house, and there he was, that awful smirk on his face as he ripped his way through my friends. I watched in horror as one by one, they fell, their eyes empty, their life force gone. I sobbed in defeat and let myself sink to the floor.

They were dead. Cana...Levy...Happy...Natsu. They were all dead because of me. They'd fought so hard to save me, to keep him from getting me again, and now they were gone.

Tears spilled down my cheeks at the loss, at the ache in my chest.

My fault...it was all my fault. I shouldn't have come back. A bitter wail shot from my mouth, and I rocked in hopeless agony.

"Oh look at the little Fairy. So sad about her friend," Tatankan mocked, stalking towards me, his lips lifted in a cruel smile. "You should be more concerned with what I'm going to do to you."

I whimpered as he reached for me, and I scrambled away helplessly across the floor, trying in vain to get away from him. But he was determined, and I was too damn slow. His hand came down hard across my face, and he spat, "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

He yanked me up by my hair, arching my head back to look up at him. He laughed as I screamed, then bent his head down to mine. "You've caused me a lot of trouble, and I plan to make sure you pay for it...for every damn minute I spent coming to collect you."

He buried his nose in my neck and took a big whiff. "You smell like fear," he growled in amusement. "I like it."

"Get away from her!"

That shout...I knew that voice, and I sobbed in relief. He'd come for me. He hadn't left me to die.

I watched as Rogue dove at Tatankan, his fists coated in shadows and flying faster than I could see. But Tatankan laughed and dissolved into smoke, appearing just behind him. "You'll have to do better than that."

Rogue spun around with a shout, his face carved in fury. "I'll kill you, you sick bastard!"

His body sifted away into his own transformation, joining the shadows of the room just as Tatankan disappeared again. I found myself alone in the room, my heart pounding in my chest.

Where had they gone?

My head shot from side to side looking for the two of them, and I stood to my feet in a panic. "Rogue!"

Suddenly, the air rippled just in front of me, and I howled in terror, certain that Tatankan had returned to exact his revenge. I whirled around to run, but a hand on my arm stopped me. "Lucy! It's me!"

A grateful sob burst from my mouth at the sight of him, and I turned back to throw myself into his arms when his face went white. "Lucy no!" he screamed.

He gave me a violent shove all of a sudden, throwing my body to the side and taking a sword right through his chest. I looked up just in time to see Tatankan rip the blade from his body, and then he dropped to the floor beside me, blood pouring from his wound and his mouth. "No...Oh God no..."

I howled as his eyes went dead, everything inside me dissolving into a mass of pain. Not Rogue. Not him too. This couldn't be happening...

Then, before I could grieve the loss, a rough hand grabbed at me, and I lost it.

A deafening cry ripped from my chest, and I fought. I hit him with everything I had. I threw my body into it, hands and nails, legs and feet. He had stolen too much from me.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. I just wanted to die, and I wanted to take him with me.

"Lucy! Lucy stop!"

I could hear him calling to me, hear that voice that always brought such peace and safety with it, but it was a lie. He was dead. Rogue was dead, and somehow Tatankan had found a way to use him to hurt me.

"Lucy, it's me. It's Rogue!"

"Liar!" I wailed, railing at the arms that tried to pin me down. I wouldn't believe him, wouldn't let him trick me into letting down my guard.

A new voice joined the other, that beautiful copy of Rogue's voice, and I knew this one too. "Princess! Dear God...Lucy stop! You're gonna hurt yourself!"

A gasp flew from my mouth as I opened my eyes, and there they were, both of them leaning over me, their hands fighting my still flailing body. I shook at the sight of Rogue, my breath coming in short, shuddering sobs that I couldn't stop. "R-Rogue..."

I hiccupped and stilled, not quite believing he was alive. It had seemed so real, so painfully real, but as I looked around the room, taking in the sight of my guild members surrounding us, I realized it had been a dream. It had all been a horrible, devastating dream.

They were alive. Natsu and Cana, Levy and Happy. They weren't dead. They were okay and staring at me with plainly fearful expressions, and I sobbed. It was a dream. Oh thank Mavis, it was a dream.

"Shh...It's okay...you're okay." Rogue gathered me into his arms, and I went willingly, desperately. I was still so terrified I would wake and find that it wasn't real, that I was back with Tatankan fighting for my life.

I clung to him with every ounce of strength I had inside me. I couldn't let him go because I was so afraid he would disappear again. He couldn't leave me again. "Don't leave me...please don't leave..."

"Lucy, I'm right here. Shh...you've gotta calm down." He sounded worried, panicked almost, but I couldn't help it.

I was hysterical. Somewhere in my mind, I knew that, but I couldn't seem to stop. I couldn't convince myself to calm down. Something in me had snapped, the line between what was real and what wasn't had blurred and left me broken and frantic. I couldn't seem to make sense of anything. I didn't know what to believe, and I was desperately trying to find my way out of it.

But he couldn't hold me tight enough, couldn't whisper loud enough to drown out the fear that welled up inside me.

And then, I felt a small hand on my head. "I'm sorry Lucy."

In the next instant, her touch changed, warming that spot on my head and making my eyes droop. She was putting me back to sleep, putting me right back into hell, and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

I looked up at Rogue in terror. "No...Don't go..."

He gave me pained eyes and followed me down onto the bed. "I won't leave. I'm right..."

But his words were lost as the magic seeped into my brain and the darkness took me.

NATSU'S POV

I watched through tear-filled eyes as Lucy slumped onto the bed, her body settling limply atop the violently strewn covers. Rogue eased in beside her, his face for once empty of his usual distance and carved in utter despair. It was unsettling to see his façade so ruined, but I realized it shouldn't be. If anyone in the world could have reached through that cold exterior, it would be Lucy.

She was remarkable, astounding in so many ways, and it broke my heart in two to see her so broken. It was wrong for her to be anything but happy, for that beautiful face of hers to house anything but a smile. She didn't deserve this, damn it. She deserved light and joy and every goddamn good thing in the world.

I let myself drop back on my bed and closed my eyes, willing the tears to stop leaking out. But it was useless. I was in a place I'd never found myself before, one where I didn't know what to do. I had held that bastard off long enough for our friends to get to her, but I couldn't save her from this. I didn't know how. And that ate away at me like nothing ever had.

We had been so close, and my foolish actions had nearly destroyed all that. But somehow, in the midst of that fight, she had forgiven me. I'd seen it in her eyes, felt it in her hesitant touch, and it had damn near demolished me.

I'd thought I was as good as dead, and I was okay with that. I couldn't imagine a better way to leave this world than protecting someone I loved, saving my friend. But she had turned right around and saved me. And how that was possible after everything that had happened, I didn't know.

I'd seen firsthand how hard it was for her to touch someone else, especially a man, most especially me, and yet she had refused to let me die. She'd put aside her anger at me, found a way past her phobia, and she'd saved my life.

And now, she was breaking apart, her mind simply unable to handle what had occurred, and that scared me. What if she couldn't come back from this? What if we never got her back?

I wasn't foolish enough to believe that everything would automatically be fine. Lucy's attack had cured me of that notion, that fanciful belief that everything would work in our favor. And I knew there was a good possibility that she'd endured too much, that her mind might not make it through this latest thing intact.

Watching her thrash around on her bed had hammered that home. She'd seemed so lost, so frantic, and I wanted so badly to take her in my arms, to fight her demons for her. But I couldn't. All I could do was pray she would find her way home, to beg whatever deity would listen to bring her back to us.

"Natsu..."

His voice was uncertain, hesitant in a way I'd never known him to be, but the real shock was the fact that he was speaking to me at all. Gray had been clear how he felt about me, and I respected that. I even understood it because I happened to believe he was right. I was a shit.

Swiping my knuckles beneath my eyes, I looked up and found his face similarly wrecked. It was easy to see how much Lucy's melt down had affected him, and I could definitely relate. Out of everyone in the guild, we knew Lucy the best, had loved her the longest. It was no wonder it was hitting us so hard.

But none of that explained his presence at my bed. Why had he sought me out?

"I..." He paused as a fresh bout of tears slipped down his cheeks. "I'm sorry..."

My eyes widened at his statement, and I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Why?"

He dropped bonelessly down in the seat beside my bed and shook his head. "I blamed you for what happened to her. I was so angry, so fucking pissed at you, and I was wrong."

"No you weren't, Gray." I shifted uncomfortably into a position better suited to conversation and sighed. "If I had handled things better, this never would have happened. She's like this because of me. You've got nothing to apologize for."

"Yes I do," he whispered brokenly. There was anguish in his voice, so much pain, and I didn't know why. "I left her Natsu. I took Rogue away to talk to him. I didn't want her to hear how that bastard was coming back for her, and I took Rogue away and let her get hurt. I let them all get hurt."

His words were a harsh whisper, a bitter heart-wrenching echo of all the guilt I'd been carrying since her attack, but he was wrong. "Gray, don't be stupid. You did what you thought was best."

"But I was wrong! I should have been there! I-"

"You what? You could have stopped it? You could have kept them all from getting attacked?" I fired back. "You don't know that. He was coming after her with or without you there, Gray."

A sob choked its way up his throat, and his voice was soft when he replied. "But it was my choice. It was my decision that left her alone."

I sat up, wincing at the pain in my gut. It hurt like hell, but I was going to smack some sense into his dumb head. I must have made a noise, because his head flew up, and he put his hand on my shoulder to push me back. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm going to beat your ass," I wheezed, smacking his hand away and reaching for the covers to climb out of bed.

He stood up quickly, his face marred with confusion as he shoved me back down. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're being a damn jerk." I scowled up at him but stopped trying to get up. It hurt too damn much anyway. "You're acting like Levy and Cana are chumps. You thought they were good enough protection before. Why are you acting like they aren't good enough now?"

Gray gazed down with a look of disbelief, like he couldn't believe I'd insinuated that he didn't believe in them, but I could see the light dawn in his eyes. He was so busy beating himself up about not being there that he wasn't seeing that he was discounting his friends.

They'd done their best. They'd fought hard, and they'd held out just long enough for me to get there. Just like I'd done for our other guild mates, and in my eyes, that was a good damn thing. We might not have come out of this unscathed - Lucy damn sure hadn't - but we'd survived. And it was time Gray started getting that.

And maybe he was because he shook his head and said, "I...I didn't mean it like that."

"I know you didn't," I sighed, letting my body relax back on the bed. "But if you ever do that shit again, I swear I'll beat the shit out of you."

He nodded, the ghost of a smile on his face as he stood to his feet and walked away.

Maybe we wouldn't all come out of this the same as we'd been before. More than likely, none of us would, but one thing was clear. We couldn't afford to wallow in guilt any longer. There wasn't time for that shit. Because that bastard was out there, and he was determined to take Lucy away from us.

So, we needed to come together, all of us working as a team to stop him. We had to be smarter, think before we made a move. That's where I'd failed with him. I'd let my anger get the best of me, and I'd attacked blindly. But I wouldn't make that mistake again. No, the next time I saw him, he'd be the one going down.