I know...I keep saying I'll do better about updating quickly, but the truth is I may just have to accept that my life at this point simply won't allow me to do so. Between school and my family, there's not a massive amount of time for me to write. And that's not an excuse. I promise I would love to skip out on school and studying and homework to write all the time, but that's not feasible.

I hope you can all understand, and that you won't be too angry with me for the lateness of my updates. I can only promise to do my best. Thank you for being so supportive and not getting frustrated with me. You guys are truly the best! Also, I'd like to toss out a thank you to my girls, LittlePrincessNana, GemNika, and my most important fan, nerdfightersunshine (lol love you girl) for giving this a read-through. It was a tough one, and I definitely needed the feedback.

Hiro Mashima owns Fairy Tail, which is probably a good thing because see what I do with characters? I'm so mean.

CHAPTER 40: TELL ME NO LIES

ROGUE'S POV

What felt like ages later, Cana finally made her way over to Gray and Lucy, ending what had to be the most awkward conversation I'd ever had. The woman seemed certain that she knew something I didn't, namely that I was somehow in love with the blonde I'd been protecting. Though I'd reinforced my intentions to her, she still insisted upon trusting what she termed 'her feels', whatever that meant.

The very possibility of being in love with someone without knowing it, essentially what she was claiming had happened to me, was disconcerting to say the least. But how would one not know they were 'in love'? From the way everyone spoke about the subject, it would seem to be the most intense emotion in the world. Wouldn't I know if I had succumbed to such a thing?

Puzzled, I scrolled back through the conversation, mulling over everything the brunette had said and done. She'd appeared to be particularly drawn to my eyes. In fact, it was after her gaze had locked onto mine so intently that she had suddenly become so certain. But what had she seen there? Was it something a mirror might reveal?

I glanced across the room, my eyes drawn to the trio of friends, and found myself watching Cana. I'd seen the way she was with Gray, and though I'd thought it overly familiar, it had merely been retaliation when I'd suggested she was in love with him. I hadn't actually thought I was right. Now that she'd admitted the truth though, I couldn't seem to draw my attention away. I needed to know what it meant to love someone the way she claimed she loved the dark-haired Fairy.

I studied her reactions, watched as she laughed and smiled in his direction. She seemed to hang onto his every word, her face lighting up with each glance they shared. Her body language spoke volumes too; every few seconds, her hand would unerringly find its way to him - a touch, a pat, a good-natured smack. There seemed to be no stopping the gesture, as if she simply couldn't resist.

Turning my head ever so slightly, I considered the blonde Cana supposed I loved. I took my time studying her and found myself wondering if I did all the things the would-be drunk did with Gray. Did I look for reasons to be near Lucy? Did I light up when she smiled at me? Did I subconsciously find occasion to touch her?

At best, it all seemed farfetched. I'd never loved anyone like that, never felt the pressing need to tell a woman how I felt before time ran out. Love like that left a man vulnerable, opened his heart up to immense pain. It made no sense to me. Why take the risk? It was better to live life alone, or with friends, than to subject myself to imminent heartbreak should things go wrong. At least that's how I'd always looked at it.

The card mage, for example, appeared happy. I could find nothing but contentment on her face when she looked at Gray, but how long could that last? What happened when she told him how she felt? Perhaps he'd feel the same way - maybe they'd start dating, get married, and have a dozen children. But what if he didn't love her in return? What then?

Certainly her heart would break. All the hope she'd carried inside herself for the two of them would be dashed, and she would suddenly find herself empty. Though their friendship was strong, probably one of the strongest I'd ever seen, who could say it would remain? There was simply no way to know if things would change for them.

So, why would anyone want that? Why would they ruin a perfectly good friendship by taking a chance on something else?

Still, I couldn't help wondering what it was like to feel like that, to be so certain about someone, to know they were the One. From all accounts, it made one feel like they couldn't go on without the other. What would that be like…to need someone so desperately that my very existence hinged upon theirs?

Cana seemed to think I needed Lucy that way, but did I so depend on her that, had she succeeded in ending her life, I wouldn't be able to survive?

Taking stock, I paused. I'd thought something eerily similar earlier while holding Lucy. It was scattered now, but I distinctly recalled thinking that if she'd died, it wouldn't just be her that was lost.

It was odd to be thinking this way - evaluating everything, calculating the possibility of being in love. Still, I couldn't agree with the brunette. I was an astute man, well aware of my feelings and thoughts, and I just couldn't fathom loving someone and having no clue about it.

Certainly, I cared for Lucy. She was special to me, had grown a special place in my heart, but love? It couldn't possibly be. I'd known her for all of a couple of weeks. How could I possibly develop such all-encompassing feelings for a woman I barely knew?

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

The interruption was so unexpected that I started, stumbling back a step in my surprise before I realized it was Gray that had spoken.

A snort of laughter pulled his lips up on one side. "You alright there, man?"

"I am…fine." I blinked, tossing a quick glance in Lucy's direction to ensure her safety, and, if I was honest, whether she and her friend were sufficiently distracted. Something told me the card mage would have a field day with my reaction, and that wouldn't do. She'd already caused me enough grief with her bizarre hypothesis about my emotional state.

"You sure about that? You just about jumped out of your skin," Gray murmured, his brow lifted in question as he became serious. "Something else going on with Lucy?"

Immediately, I shook my head. "Not at all. She is…fine."

"Okay, what's the deal? You're fine. She's fine." His eyes narrowed, Gray studied me. "There's obviously something on your mind."

I turned to him surprised. "It's…nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing."

"It's just something your…friend said," I hummed quietly, keeping my voice low so as not to incur any more unsolicited advice from the brown-haired woman.

Gray's eyebrows pulled together, his gaze straying toward the female in question. "What did she say?"

I paused, wondering at the wisdom of answering him. It could very well invite more of the same, but as I perused the man beside me, I discarded that notion. Though I didn't know him all that well, he didn't seem the type to match-make or whatever the term was. And perhaps he could shed some light on why his friend had said what she'd said.

"She believes that I'm…" I shifted nervously, then forced my hands into my pockets to hide the sudden need to fidget. "She seems to believe that I am in love with Lucy."

The words left my mouth in a rush, and I clamped my teeth together for fear I would reveal even more, like the thoughts that were even now hurtling through my mind like a band of wild horses across the plains. While I didn't mind extolling the depth of the woman's insanity with Gray, I wasn't about to reveal quite so much about myself to a man I hardly knew.

Gray blinked dumbfoundedly for a moment before coughing out a laugh. "She said that to you?"

"It's not funny." I frowned in his direction, perturbed to see that he found the situation so amusing.

"Sorry man. It's just…Cana's not normally like that. That's usually Mira's thing." Gray shook his head, a wry smile on his face. "I can't believe she actually told you that."

I pursed my lips at that, wondering what difference it made whether it was Mira or Cana delving into my business. Either way, someone was pilfering in what wasn't their concern. Though I supposed the Fairies would certainly see it as their business if it involved their blonde guild member.

"So…what did you say?"

"What?" I hadn't anticipated him asking me that. I'd thought for sure I'd be safe discussing this with him, but I supposed I should have considered his relationship with Lucy before opening my mouth.

"What did you tell her when she asked you that?" Gray reiterated, looking rather expectantly in my direction.

I swallowed slowly, licking my lips as a sudden bout of nervousness shot through me. The man was probably the closest person in the world to Lucy, and I'd just made him wonder if I was carrying the proverbial torch for her. Certainly, he'd be angry. "I…I told her that she didn't know what she was talking about."

The ice mage studied me for a moment, some thought I couldn't discern skittering across his face, and then he expelled a long breath. His head bobbed slowly, his shoulders sinking an infinitesimal amount as he glanced at the floor. "I see."

His reaction was nothing like I'd expected. It was…bizarre, so far from what I'd been anticipating that I almost missed it. It was only a moment really, a flash of some strange emotion in his eyes. Was that disappointment? Regret?

But what did that even mean? Had he hoped I'd answer in the affirmative? Did he want me to be in love with his sister?

I was so confused. I'd thought, given the way our association had begun, that he'd frown on that sort of thing. He hadn't exactly been happy to have me around in the beginning. Granted, things were far more civil between us now, but could things have changed so much that he would now be fine with a relationship between Lucy and me?

Once again, I found myself at a loss. These Fairies were beyond confounding, constantly changing their minds. It was as if they were incapable of remaining steadfast in anything. How was a man supposed to keep up?

Before I could voice my thoughts or even make sense of them, Gray offered a terse smile, tipping his head in the direction of his female companion. "I uh…I should probably get Cana home. She needs more rest, and I'm sure Lucy does too."

The abrupt change caught me off guard, and I barely managed an, "A-Alright," before Gray was heading off.

I followed him to the bed and watched as he bid Lucy farewell, his embrace just a little tighter than before, and then he wrapped an arm around the brunette's shoulders and steered her toward the door. In only a few moments, Lucy and I were alone again, and suddenly, I found myself feeling uncertain. Cana's words resounded in my mind, mocking my refusal and causing me to question myself.

Could what she said be true? Could something have changed while I wasn't paying attention?

My gaze strayed toward Lucy again, and I couldn't help wondering once more over my feelings for her. Thanks to the other woman, doubt now sat in my mind, pushing aside the certainty I'd once possessed. I found myself swaying under the weight of such an incredible suggestion, pondering everything I'd said and done until this very moment. Had I been acting out of some hidden attachment I knew nothing about?

Tamping down the endless questions, I straightened, giving my head a toss to expel the craziness Cana had infected me with. That wasn't me. It was all in her head, and I'd simply fallen prey to that knowing look in her eye. There was no way what she said was true. It was simply too implausible to be fact.

After all, if anyone knew what was inside my own heart, it was me. And I hadn't done anything other than what I'd told Lucy I would do. My role here was clear. I was there to help her through this tough time; no more, no less. We were friends of course, but that didn't mean there was more to the story.

Regardless of what the card mage claimed, she did not know me better than I knew myself.

"Rogue?" Lucy called, effectively breaking me from my musing. "Is…is everything okay?"

I found her watching me with those deep brown eyes, and I hurried to ease her mind. "Yes, everything's fine." I smiled as she continued to study me, her concern obvious in the wrinkling of her brow. Raising my hand, I brushed a thumb across her forehead. "Lucy, I'm fine. No need to worry."

"But…"

"But nothing," I hummed, reaching down to lift her legs back onto the bed. "Let's get you settled. You need to rest."

Her response was immediate, her body flying up into a sitting position, the calm of her earlier expression replaced with fear. "You're…you're not leaving, are you?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured. I had to fight the wince that threatened appearance as a wave of regret blossomed in my chest. How quickly she'd forgotten my promise. Or perhaps that wasn't it. Perhaps she simply didn't trust it anymore.

I couldn't fault her for it. I'd caused it. And though it pained me that I'd lost her trust, I understood. I didn't have the right to be hurt by her need for reassurance. I'd broken my word, abandoned it at the first sign of failure. Why wouldn't she doubt me now?

Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I shook my head. "I told you I'd be here, Lucy, and I meant it."

At once, her features smoothed, and that small reaction was a comfort I neither expected nor deserved. But I couldn't discard it. Her immediate acceptance of what I said meant the world to me. It brightened a corner of my heart to know she was willing to take me at my word, if only just this once.

She leaned back gingerly, her wide eyes locked onto mine. "Will…will you lay with me? Just until I go to sleep?"

Her voice was timid and uncertain. It was as if she wasn't sure the response she'd get, and it hadn't ever been that way. She'd always asked for what she needed from me without hesitation. She'd known I would give her all if she required it.

The revelation brought my rage with Sting back full force, and I found my hands tightening into fists.

This was precisely why I was so angry with him. I'd lost so much ground with her, made her doubt both my sincerity and my dedication to her…all because I'd left when I should have stayed. Her faith in me had waned, and it was all his fault.

Then again, that wasn't exactly true either. He might have known exactly why Lucy was telling me to go, and he'd let me believe it was my failures that caused her to send me away; but I'd made my choices. I could have stayed anyway, honored my vow to her, but I'd tucked my tail between my legs and left like a coward. I'd made that decision, no one else, and it had been the wrong one.

I could never forget that, never forgive my part in her attempt on her life. As long as I lived, that would remain with me, another scar to add to my collection of failures.

"Of course," I hummed, shoving aside my worries in favor of taking care of her.

She scooted over, making room for me to join her on the bed, and I slid in beside her and opened my arms. An instant later, she was sinking down under the covers, her head nuzzling gently at my chest. A smile lifted my lips as I watched her settle against me, her fingers latching onto the edge of my shirt and her eyes drifting closed.

She seemed utterly at peace in that moment, and such a sight was a balm to my soul. Maybe I hadn't ruined everything. Maybe there was still some part of her that trusted me completely, and if that was the case, then I could build on it, get us back to where we'd been before.

I sighed contentedly and finally let myself relax, my earlier pique forgotten in the presence of such a peaceful moment. With her in my arms, everything was as fine as I'd claimed it was all day. She was safe, and she was accepting my comfort. And though nothing had really changed about her situation, I found myself feeling happy.

It was silly really because she was still in just as much danger, and I was still in just as much trouble if my guild master found out what I'd been doing for the last couple weeks. For some reason though, it all felt so far away. Just then, it was me and her and the quiet assurance that we were together. Just then, nothing could touch us.

Silence reigned for long minutes, and I began to think Lucy had fallen asleep. It was just as well; she could use the rest. But she discarded that theory only a minute later when she shifted against me. Her movements were curious, a twitch here and there as if something was on her mind.

Finally, after much pointless wiggling, I stopped her, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze. "Lucy, what is it?"

She was quiet for the count of ten and then finally spoke so softly I nearly missed it. "Why are you doing all of this?"

Blinking down at the top of her head, I frowned. Hadn't we already gone over this? "I told. I made a promise-"

"I know," she rushed to say, the timidity in her voice falling away to reveal an urgency I wasn't prepared for. "But…why? Why promise at all?" She pulled back, her eyes rising to meet mine. "I don't understand. You didn't have to stay with me. It would have been so easy for you to go back home after you saved me… why didn't you?"

I was speechless, completely at a loss in light of the conviction in her words. There would be no assuring her that she had all the information or that everything I'd told her was all there was to say. She was absolutely positive there was more to my story than I had revealed thus far, and she was right. But could I break down and tell her my secret? Could I bear to reveal my failings to someone whose opinion mattered so much?

Throat tightening, I dropped my eyes. I didn't know if I could relive the pain of her loss all over again. It was an almost constant ache in my chest, and talking about it would surely make it worse. More frightening to me though was the thought of Lucy's reaction should I tell her all. Would she ever look at me the same way after knowing what I'd done? Could she somehow still find it in herself to trust after hearing how badly I'd failed?

"Rogue?" she asked, her voice lilting in question.

She wasn't going to leave this alone. Looking in her eyes, I could see that. There was a desperate need for her to understand my reasons, and I couldn't tell her no. Truth be told, she deserved her answers. She alone had the right to know the deepest, darkest secret I held within me, because truthfully, it wasn't fair to ask her to trust me with her safety unless she knew everything.

I drew in a shuddering breath and prepared myself for what was to come. If she was to turn away from me, I wanted to be ready.

"I…had a friend a few years ago. Her name was Mara, and she was…wonderful. Bright and funny. She could make me smile like no one could." I could still see her in my mind - her long chestnut hair, her bright green eyes, and that mischievous grin I missed so much. "We were inseparable, much like you and Gray. She was…the first person I ever really trusted after Skiadrum left."

I kept my vision firmly aimed at the far wall. I had no way of knowing how long I'd be able to keep my emotions in check, and I knew if I took one look at Lucy, it would demolish the fragile control I still had. "Then one day…" I halted, trying valiantly to push the words from my mouth. "One day, she was attacked. She was hurt so…badly that the doctors were forced to induce a coma so her body would heal."

Images flooded my mind - the stark white of her hospital room, the tubes that ran from her nose and arm, the machines that beeped incessantly in the ever present quiet. It had been the hardest moment of my life to sit there helplessly while she rested on the edge of death. "It took her days to wake up, and I…I remember thinking that everything was going to be fine now." I shook my head and gave a mirthless laugh. "I was quite the optimist back then."

"Rogue," Lucy sniffed, tears evident in her voice as she reached forward and placed a gentle hand on my arm. "Rogue, you don't have to-"

"I had no idea what was coming or how to help her," I continued. I knew if I stopped now, I would never say it again. It would remain inside me for the rest of my life, and she needed to know what she was getting herself into if she decided to trust me to take care of her. "But I tried. I was there for her every chance I got, and I watched her…try to cope with what she'd been through, but…" My voice cracked, and I struggled to pull myself together as the memories came, prancing through my mind in a sick parade of pain – each one more awful than the last. "She just couldn't. She couldn't be around anyone but me, but not even I could touch her anymore."

Distantly, I heard Lucy let out a sob, but I was too far gone into the past with Mara. She was never far from my mind, but now, her memory was clouded with images of her skin marked by cigarette burns, her hands shaking, and her eyes ringed with bruises. She'd been beautiful even then, but inside…inside, she'd been so broken. "I barely recognized her anymore. She couldn't sleep, and she wouldn't eat. She just existed there in her little apartment."

I drew in a shaky breath as I stared down at Lucy's hand on my arm, and before I could think too hard on the action, I'd moved my hand over hers. "Then one Saturday, I called her. It was something I did every day, just after I woke up. I had planned to go over there… just spend the day with her so she wouldn't be alone, but she told me I didn't have to. She said she was fine." My eyes watered at that point, and I drew up tall, trying to put my mask back in place. I'd never cried in front of anyone other than Mara and Frosch, and I couldn't bear to do so now. I didn't want Lucy to see me this way. I was supposed to be strong, not give her even more reasons to think I couldn't protect her.

But nothing I did could shield me from the memories that awaited me. The final scenes played out in my head, and I had to swallow hard against the bile that rose in my throat. Regret and anguish sat on my chest, pressing against my ribs and forcing air from my lungs, and still, I fought to keep my face placid as if I was telling a bed time story. "I believed her, and since I had nowhere else to be, I stayed home. And I fell asleep. I laid there on my couch and slept while…"

I choked on the words, the tears I'd been so intent on smothering clogging my throat. I buried them, just like I'd buried my friend. "I found her the next day. I tried to call her, and when she didn't answer, I went over there. I had a key to her place, so I…I let myself in, and…" I coughed, determined to get through this without exposing my grief, and forced it all back down. "And there she was…hanging from the rafters in the living room."

"Oh my God, Rogue," Lucy cried, her hands flying up to cover her mouth.

I shuddered as I pictured her broken form dangling there. All these years later, and I couldn't stop seeing her like that. The memory had never dimished in spite of how I'd prayed to forget. "She left me a note…" I said, my voice struggling to maintain its conversational tone. "Thanking me for being there for her. Can you believe that?" My laugh was swallowed up with anguish and disbelief. "I abandoned her, and she thanked me."

Almost immediately and suprisingly, Lucy reacted, her tiny body diving at me, her arms flinging about my waist as she buried her face in my shirt. "No…you didn't abandon her. You didn't."

I drew her in tight against me and had to fight to keep my tears at bay. Just that small measure of comfort, and everything I'd tried to hide wanted to come pouring out. I shook my head and tried to push it all away. I didn't want to think of Mara anymore. I didn't want to see her the way she'd been at the end. I wanted only the memories of her silly grin and her infectious laughter. But the sight of her lifeless body would never leave, just as the guilt I bore would never fade away. It was ironic, in an agonizing way, that I'd left her alone, and yet, even now, she wouldn't leave me behind. Her very memory haunted me, and I was powerless to move beyond it.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry, Rogue."

Her words were repeating, punctuated by great welling sobs, and I hated hearing her so hurt, so pained. I didn't know how she could feel such empathy for me, how she could hold me so close after finding out just how badly I'd failed the last girl needing my help. She'd lost her life because of me, and Lucy very nearly had followed the same path. All because I wasn't there!

"No, Lucy…don't." It destroyed me to hear her apologize. She was the one betrayed. She shouldn't be apologizing. That was my job. "I shouldn't have-"

"Oh God, Rogue…I'm so sorry I put you through that again," she whimpered pitifully, her arms quivering around me. "I didn't know. I didn't know."

I held her as she cried against me, and I felt something inside me break. I'd been so certain she'd want nothing to do with me after this, so afraid that she wouldn't be able to look past my mistakes to trust me again, but here she was, only seeing how her suicide attempt had brought back the past for me. Didn't she understand what I'd done?

My head shook as I pushed her back. She had to understand. "Lucy, stop apologizing. I…" I winced, regret a bitter taste in my mouth. "Don't you get it? I'm the reason she died. I'm the reason you almost died. I wasn't there…for either of you like I said I'd be. I promised to protect you both, and I failed you. I failed you just like I did her. You have to-"

"You didn't fail me, Rogue," she denied, her face ravaged with tears. "And you didn't fail her. She was just in pain. She was sad and broken. And she just…she couldn't be the same again."

A plaintive cry flew from her lips, and I realized she was describing herself as well as Mara. They'd both gone through so much, and if anyone knew Mara's pain, it would be Lucy. She'd been there. She was walking that devastating path every day.

"Lucy…"

"Rogue, it wasn't your fault." She shook her head emphatically, the soft blonde strands of her hair stirring with the motion. "You couldn't save her from her own mind, from her memories. You tried to be there for her. That's all you could do."

The air stalled in my lungs as I stared at her. I knew how her memories haunted her, how her dreams sometimes reached out and swallowed her whole. I'd seen it, watched the terror darken her eyes in the moments before she remembered she was safe. It was horrific.

And it had been the same with Mara. She'd tried to hide a lot of it from me, probably to protect me from her pain, but I'd seen enough to know that her attackers were ghosts in her mind, plaguing her every second of every day. Had she felt the same way Lucy had? Had the fear and pain just become too much?

Why hadn't she asked for help? I'd have given anything to make things better for her. But maybe that was the point. There was nothing I could do to erase what had happened. I was too young and too inexperienced to go after the men who had harmed her. I wouldn't have even known where to start.

But I was her friend. I should have known she was hurting so much. I should have insisted on going to see her even when she told me to stay home. Maybe if I had, she would still be here. I'd still have her with me.

But what would that have meant for Lucy? If everything had been averted, would I have known how to help her? Had my losing Mara given me the tools I needed to be there for Lucy the way she needed me to be?

It was all so confusing, the old pain mingling with the new, and everything all messed up inside me. And the questions…I had more questions now that I'd had before without an answer in sight.

Reaching out, I pulled Lucy in again and let her scent wash over me and ease the tightness in my chest. She didn't hate me, and that was something incredible. I had no idea why, but I couldn't bring myself to question it fully. I was too overwhelmed - by both the old memories of Mara and by the woman next to me - to fight it. I needed Lucy with me just then. I needed to know she was safe, and that she hadn't relinquished me to a life of guilt over her as well.

Somehow, I would make it up to her. I would make it right for both her and Mara, and maybe then, I wouldn't hate myself so much. Maybe then, I could make it through an entire night without seeing Mara in my dreams.

LUCY'S POV

I awoke to warmth surrounding me, and I found myself curling into it. I wasn't ready to dispel this sensation, this calm, so I fought to sink back into that blissful peace that could only be found in the deepest, dream-free sleep. But there was something niggling at my mind, some thought that threatened my present condition, and it wouldn't go away. It was waiting for me to abandon rest, as if it knew I wouldn't be able to resist.

Perhaps it was right. Slowly, I eased my eyes open and frowned when the skin of my face pulled. It felt stiff, as if I'd spent the night crying.

All at once, the cloud of sleep fell away, and memories stirred. It came back to me in pieces, the visit with Gray, my question to Rogue, and finally Mara. Something inside me sank as her name flashed in my mind, and I found myself wondering what they'd been to each other. Had Rogue loved her?

My eyes clamped shut as emotion welled within me. Of course he had. In spite of the stalwart expression he'd adopted in the telling of her story, I could tell. She'd meant a great deal to him, and it wasn't difficult to see that it had devastated him to lose her. Calm façade or not, I could still hear what he hadn't said.

He had scars from it, not like the ones that littered my body, but ones that cut deeper. The kind that sat inside and ate at you, memories that could never be forgotten. It had been years since he'd lost Mara, but he hadn't moved from that spot. He was still just as lost without her.

And his guilt…the man was swallowed up with it. Somehow, he'd gotten into his head that he could have prevented her suicide, and had he been there at that exact moment, maybe he could have. But if Mara had been determined to end her life, she would have still found a way. I knew that better than anyone, but it was obvious that Rogue couldn't see it. He blamed himself for letting her down, and with everything that had happened recently, he'd added me to that list too. He'd taken the entire weight of my decision on his shoulders, and that wasn't right. It wasn't because of anything he'd done or failed to do. I'd just felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

I was so tired of feeling this way - being afraid of my own shadow, worrying every second of every day that I'd be taken again – and I'd taken the easy way out. At least, I'd tried to. It was the coward's way, and until now, I'd never been that. No matter what I'd faced before, I'd never let my fear dictate my actions, and that shamed me. I would have left my friends in pain, and I was too selfish to even see that at the time.

But none of that was Rogue's fault. Yes, the thought of going on without him here to lean on had frightened me, but that hadn't been the reason for my decision. That was all on me. He was innocent, just like he was innocent in what had happened with his friend. He just couldn't see it. All he could see was the need to fix his mistakes. He'd told me several times since his return that he would make it up to me, but there was no need. He'd done nothing wrong.

If anyone needed to atone for something, it was me. I'd very nearly done the exact same thing to Rogue that Mara had done. He hadn't said so, but it didn't take a genius to see that he'd made the correlation. And that had clearly devastated him.

I paused there, remembering the look in his eyes when he'd busted through the bathroom door and seen the pills in my hand. I'd thought at the time that he'd been so panicked because he was afraid to lose me. He'd said that my death would have destroyed him, but what if it wasn't losing me that he was afraid of? What if it was the fear of failing again? What if the reason he couldn't bear me killing myself was because it was too much like Mara?

Sadness flooded my heart as I came to the realization that it wasn't necessarily about me. It was about her. My death would have destroyed him because it would have been like losing her all over again. All this time, I'd wondered why he was here, why he'd stayed by my side, but I'd never imagined it was because of guilt. His pain must have been so great to do all this to atone for his failure.

I couldn't imagine how devastating it must have been for him to find another woman in the same position as his old friend. It must have torn him apart to be in such a situation again, and yet, he'd offered his assistance anyway. In spite of all the ways it would hurt him, he'd stuck around and been there for me.

Still, it was difficult to accept that it hadn't been for me. He'd helped me in more ways than I could even count, and to learn that none of it had been specifically for me was incredibly desolating. I had no right to the grief I felt, since I'd as good as used him from the moment he'd found me, and yet, I felt it anyway. I'd lost so much in such a short amount of time, and I couldn't even blame Tatankan for this.

My eyes watered as Rogue shifted beside me, his arm tightening for a split second before relaxing once more. This wasn't right. It would only ease me back into a false sense of reality, and I had to start facing the truth. If I was going to make it, I had to find a way to stand on my own. I couldn't do this to Rogue anymore. His involvement with me was far too unhealthy to continue. He needed to move past Mara's death, and being near me was never going to accomplish that.

I had to let him go. It would be difficult to convince him it was for the best, especially considering what had happened the last time he left, but somehow, I had to make him see the truth. This couldn't continue. He deserved more.

Gently, so as not to disturb him, I eased out of his grasp and slipped from the bed. I stood there staring down at him and found myself aching to climb back in beside him. I didn't want to let go of the comfort I'd found with him, but I couldn't keep doing this. Now that I knew why helping me was so important to him, I couldn't bring myself to stay there. For now, I needed space. It was the only way I'd be able to push him out of my life.

The truth was, he couldn't stay here anymore. The longer he stayed with me, the worse it would be for him. I could never be his Mara, and one day, he would figure that out…and it was going to devastate him all over again. I just couldn't do that to him. As much as I wanted him here, he needed to be as far away from me as possible.

And I would help him with that. He wouldn't understand, and maybe it would hurt him for a while, but in the end, it would be for the best because I refused to destroy him.

He needed to be free. He deserved that, and the only way that would happen is if I removed myself from his life. Maybe then he could let go of all this madness, of me and Mara, and finally find some peace.

I took a step back and found another bed at my back. My hands shook as I forced myself to crawl up onto the cold, empty mattress, and I had to bite my lip to keep from sobbing aloud. Before I'd been attacked, I'd all but begged for a bed all to myself, and now that I had it, I didn't want it. It felt so lonely to have so much space, to know I could roll over in my sleep and not worry about waking anyone else.

Eyes welling, I laid my head on the pillow and took one last look at Rogue before turning over and curling in on myself. I had to do this...for him. I kept telling myself that, kept reminding myself that it would save him, and if I had to keep repeating that to drown out the little voice that said I was trying to spare myself, then so be it. It didn't matter anymore anyway, because I'd already figured out there was no way to spare myself. The pain was here to stay, and it was time I got used to it.