So here's the fourth chapter and as always everything belongs to Shonda Rhimes and CO, nothing belongs to me, obviously. In case anybody is wondering (which i highly doubt), updates will happen every week on a Wednesday, GMT+8. I won't specify when because it normally comes on random so follow ! jokes on me, i doubt it haha. anyway, hope you like this chapter. MerDer is coming, just hang in there ! Also as I said before in my story description, I will be on some pretty heavy topics but I will warn incase anybody isn't comfortable with it. This chapter does have mentions of suicide, so if you're feeling suicidal or feeling down, please contact someone because someone will always be there for you. PSA aside, hope you enjoy.
[Mention of suicide]
[]
As the day passed, the five transfers that arrived at Seattle Grace was starting to feel comfortable being around the school. It didn't help the awkwardness with other students in their years but they confided in themselves, creating their own social circle. It was a routine now to go to Meredith and Cristina's room to complete any homework before heading down to dinner afterwards.
Between the four of them, they were also starting to show their colours in class. All four of them were profoundly smart, especially in science department. Cristina became the obvious choice for memory bank and knowledge retention, knowing way past her limits all the time. Meredith was tamer, always referring back to her neatly organised notes and only answering when called. George tended to sit by the sideline, taking eloquent notes and acing quizzes with little to no effort. Izzie was the go-to for neat and accurate notes, with her rainbow coloured markers and pens.
"You know our first threeway science test first week of October and I'm psyched" Cristina said enthusiastically with her books clutched against her chest. "I know it's three weeks away but it's very exciting."
"You are the only one who thinks it's exciting" Meredith replied with a slight scowl.
"Meredith has a point, even the friend group of the Shepherds didn't seem psyched that this test is coming up."
"It's on record, report cards." George muttured. "I'm scared, honestly."
"Don't be scared Bambi" Cristina replied with a grin. "It's only a test."
"To determine our place in this schools vast totem pole of other intelligent human beings" George replied back. "I'm okay with bio but chemistry is going to be the hard one for me."
"Physics is the problematic one for me." Izzie said.
"Me too" Meredith replied. "It's not hard, just so many formulas to remember you know."
"Yeah I know" Cristina agreed. "But look, last lesson of the day though."
"And it's a friday" Meredith added with a smile. "Do you guys wanna try and crack that scavenger hunt that we were given during global studies yesterday?"
"Sure I guess, I didn't even look at it though." George remarked. "Here: 'Back when nothing mattered, small and content. We flourished and thrived without the use of men…'"
"Wow I like this already" Izzie commented, looking over Georges shoulder.
"Just read the rest" George muttured.
"God, it's easy I don't even need to hear the rest. It's referencing the founders now what do we know about them?" Cristina said to the group, but before any of them could answer she cut in and answered for them. "Easy, what did they excel at?" Yet again Cristina didn't wait for them to answer. "Science so go to the science office and find their name, the next clue should be there somewhere."
"Wow... " George mumbled, "That was… fast."
"Keep up Bambi come on." Cristina prodded. "Let's go check it out, I do like a little competition."
"Cristina Yang and competition seem to be intertwined with one another." Meredith observed, following Cristina out the door with George and Izzie following closely behind. How did you read it so fast? You're dyslexic"
"And that's the pros of you guys reading it out loud so I don't have to go through the minute struggle of focusing on the first word." Cristina said, as they walked up to the science office. As soon as they approached it, they saw an orange envelope tucked behind the small dipit near the science office, hidden from view.
"Oh, I didn't hear. I thought you read it." Meredith said.
"Are you okay? You're not normally this… unfocused."
"Yeah I'm fine" Meredith replied to Cristina. "Oh shit, Derek's group of friends are walking straight towards us. Can we get the clue and get out of here?"
"Is that what you're worried about? Seriously?" Izzie said, looking above Meredith's head to see the massive friend circle walking in there direction. "This is going to be weirdly entertaining"
"You handle him in class fine" said George "What's so different now and just know that you guys are staring. It's creepy."
"That's because in class I have you guys" Meredith hissed.
"Aww, thanks Meredith" Izzie gushed slightly, placing a hand on Meredith's shoulder. George rolled his eyes and grabbed the clue from the orange envelope.
"I prefer bitchy Meredith, at least that was fun." Cristina comments. "Bambi has the clue, we can go"
Just as Cristina made her comment did Derek's gang walk past, and as per usual, Derek's eyes were straight at Meredith's before both of them averted there eye contact elsewhere. Cristina saw Owen within the crowd of McDreamys little gang.
"Cristina." He greeted as he walked past. She didn't expect Owen to say hello so she stood there vacantly staring at their group as they turned the corner.
"Did that red headed dude just say hi to you?" Izzie said, slightly taken aback. "How does he know you?"
"He did, so what?" Cristina said, shaking off the encounter. In truth she was just as taken aback as Izzie. The memory of him offering a tissue to her came back, it was a delicate and simple interaction between the two. "He was the guy who told me about Addison."
"At this point, I don't think Addison really matters. He still stares at me." Meredith yelped slightly. She was on edge, she couldn't deny it. One continuous week of him looking at her, it was getting harder to concentrate.
"That wasn't a stare, Meredith. That was a look, as in he was checking you out" George pointed out, "But that doesn't matter. Should we go back?"
"You guys head back, i'm going to head to the library and get some books."
"Books? You already have half the books from the library" Izzie said with a laugh.
"I ran out of actual fiction books to read." Cristina replied. "I'll see you, i'll be back before dinner."
"Or don't eat at all" Meredith playfully called out.
"You are so lovestruck right now it's actually funny." Cristina quipped back.
"I am not!" exclaimed Meredith. "Tell her that I'm not lovestruck"
"I hate to agree with Cristina, but the look on your face is a mixture of 'I want McDreamy' combined with your normal tired face" Izzie said, leaning in to get a closer view. "Yup, definitely."
"I am-" Meredith tried to exclaim again before being cut off.
"BE QUIET" A voice roared as a gust of wind hit the four of them. "What do you think you're doing here?" The voice boomed. "Get back to your dormitories. NOW!" Before they could give the teacher a concrete answer they all ushered there way off the flour of the science office.
"I am not lovestruck" Meredith quipped, out of breath before anybody else could say anything.
She looked at her three other friends and knew that they weren't convinced. Regardless, they shrugged it off. Cristina headed to the library without much fuss and Izzie and George opened there laptops to continue their homework.
"I am not falling for him" She whispered quietly so no one could hear her. "I. Am. Not. Falling. For. Him."
[]
Cristina rounded the corner to the library, she needed to get away from her friends. She needed her alone time, it wasn't like she disliked them. She just needed her own time to decompress and not be constantly surrounded by people.
She picked up Turtles all the way down written by John Green and read the blurb. It looked interesting enough, the library wasn't as packed as it usually was. iB students were all spread out in the long tables in the far end corner of the library, heads down, earphones in and writing furiously into their notebooks or typing there extended essay.
The librarian gave Cristina a half-hearted smile and checked out her book. It was like heaven to be absorbed in a book, not giving a rats ass about the drama that wasn't happening in real life. It had barely three weeks and there had been drama with their year relating to alcohol abuse and drug use. Or the more interesting one, in Cristina's opinion, whose getting the highest scores in quizzes and classwork. But nothing could match the enchanted world of words that engulfed any reader when holding a good book in there hand, it was near magic. It was the life she could never, ever envision. Falling in love felt far-fetched, she was in love with her studies and later she knew she'd be in love with surgery.
Love is a farfetched topic, too magical and poisonous to touch. Giving you the high without even knowing it. It was her heart that was torn in so many different directions, breaking her in ways she didn't know she could be broken. Family had been everything. Been, past tense. Now it was in the Before, she was living in the After. Her brother hit the pressure point, slowing forming cracks underneath her ribcage and her father, her fucking father, shattered it. Hitting it harder than anything before. Then her mother grabbed the tape from her drawers and flimsily taped it back together. Love had always, always tears her apart. Bit by bit, but there was nothing left to pull apart; nothing to rip out and stomp on. It had broken her.
Love had torn her into pieces and, now, she couldn't put herself back together.
[]
"Mark, do me a favour. Can you get Cristina Yang away from Meredith so I can talk to her for a second?" Derek said, peeking over to see if they had left yet.
"You're asking me to do this?" Mark said, taken aback. "Look-
"I mean just flirt with her or something." Derek cut in, trying to omit the desperation in his voice. He wanted an actual conversation with Meredith. Not just stolen glances in classes and hallways. The other two friends weren't a problem. They were sitting at the common room, talking about random things before the other two, Izzie and George, left. Cristina was there with her book by her side, talking next to Meredith.
"Derek, it's nearly dinner." Mark argued back.
"What's happening?" Owen said, walking up to the two boys. "Mark if this is about your string of lovers-"
"Look Derek, she's not my type." Mark interrupting Owen but ignoring his statement. "Yang? Too serious, unfunny, cold as well."
"She should be your type, she's intelligent, complicated" Derek commented. "Oh I know, you're scared she's going to reject you."
"You want to flirt with Cristina Yang?" Owen asked, jaw-dropped. From what he's seen of her, there is no way that Mark's antics could get him past first base. "That isn't- that's not a good idea"
"Oh I know, you're scared she's going to reject you." Derek said with a grin. "I mean, you're right probably, not your type. But she's feisty, look at her in math and science. But you know, I get it. Mark Sloan is scared of rejection."
"What, you think I can't do it Derek?" Mark asked, flashing a sly grin. "She's not my type but i'll give it a try."
"No, no I get it. You don't think you have a shot." Derek said. "You're probably right… guess I won't talk to Meredith after all." Derek sighed with a grin concealed behind his composed face.
"Oh I have a shot." Mark threw back. "Mark Sloan always does."
"You don't have to do it Mark." Derek was just mocking him now. "I get it if you don't want your ego bruised."
Owen head was just pitching back and forth between the two men. "You don't want to flirt with Yang. That's really not a good idea."
"See even Hunt agrees" Derek said with a grin.
"Okay fine, I'll give it a shot." Mark said, disgruntled.
"Thank you." Derek said. "Good luck, you're going to need it."
"Derek's not wrong for once!" Owen said, giving a small laugh. "Cristina Yang is going to make Mark Sloan cry."
"I know" Derek said, his cheekbones hurt from smiling at Marks lack of responses and overconfident self. "I know."
Owen watched from the sidelines with Derek as Mark approached Cristina and Meredith. He's never grinned so much in anticipation. There was a part of him that screamed at Derek for even suggesting that Mark flirt with Cristina, it angered him ever so slightly. He didn't know why, he barely knew her. The only thing he knew was she wasn't as cold as people make her out to be, but nobody believed him. They were civil at least, and Owen knew that she didn't cry or show emotion- except that one time when he found her sitting in the common room that night with tears streaming down her face.
"Oh here it comes" Derek said, hitting Owen's arm. They were close enough to hear the dialogue between there friend and Derek's definite crush.
"I can't even believe that you've on from Addison." Owen said, shaking his head. "I was betting good money on you with Mark."
"I don't know. She told me she liked Mark instead. After leading me on for so many months, she finally told me she actually didn't like me."
"She what?" Owen exclaimed. "When? Holy- what? Shit."
"She told me when we were over at Mark's house at the end of summer." Derek said.
"Mark Sloan, you've got to be kidding me. How can Addision like Mark?"
"That was my reaction, whatever i'm over it."
"Do you think they've slept together?"
"That just put a very disturbing image in my mind that I can never erase" Derek mumbled, unable to keep his eyes of Mark as he attempted to win her over.
"I don't think they've slept together" Owen said, answering his own question.
"Urgh whatever, I don't want to think about it. And besides-
"-you have a new crush now" Owen said, cutting into to Derek's sentence "Don't deny it."
"It's… I don't know what it is. I just want to talk to her, alone."
"You have a new crush" singsonged Owen, grinning happily for his friend. In all honesty, he had never felt this excited over this whole 'Mark talking to Cristina thing' but it had given him some much needed excitement. He still remembered his sister and the fact that he didn't have any parents but aside from that, everything was fine. Just fine.
"Shut up, Hunt." but he was also smiling with Owen. "Oh here we go."
They watched as Mark tried to get into Cristina's good graces, and Owen could tell she either: 1. Super uncomfortable or 2. She had no idea what's going on. Watching Mark Sloan flirt was like watching an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, it was absolutely revolting while also amusing.
Cristina just looked puzzled at his advancement and quickly got up from her seat, dragging Meredith along with her. Owen suppressed a grin as Mark came back and Derek looked like he was about to die of laughter.
"Shut up" was Mark's only response.
"That was much needed entertainment" quipped Owen.
"You know what's entertaining?" Mark said, "Having your girlfriend come up, asking me why the hell aren't you speaking to her."
"Don't tell me you haven't spoken to Beth?" Derek exclaimed. He didn't think it was too far fetched considering what happened to Owen during the summer, but he would have thought that Owen would put it off for so long after he came back. "I don't know whether to cheer or disapprove."
"Why would you cheer?" Addison said as he walked up to join the three boys.
"We don't like Beth" Derek and Mark said in unison while Addison gave a audible "Oh," getting what Mark and Derek were saying.
"She's perky and annoying." Derek chided. "But I would have thought that you would have talked after you came back to school."
Owen shrugged. "I don't have any classes with her… and I kinda broke up with her during the summer."
"You did what now?" Addison yelped. "You broke up with her?"
"So?" came Owen's response. The last thing he wanted to talk about was Beth, his ex-girlfriend. He was really hoping that they wouldn't realise but, of course, in true Beth fashion, she got all of his friends involved without just walking up to him and asking why.
"How'd you-" Derek started before he was cut off by another person.
"OWEN!"
"Speak of the devil" Mark mumbled and Addison rubbed her temples. None of them were particularly fond of Beth Whitman but somehow Owen managed to date someone like that.
"Oh god please hide me." Owen whispered.
"Hide us all." Addison muttered. "Oh for fuck sake, she's coming straight at us."
"Hello Beth" Owen cringed at the sound of his own voice. "How was your summer?"
"How was my summer?!" She screeched back. "How was my summer!?" Here shrill voice rang through the corridor of the dormitory.
"Beth-" started Addison.
"No Addison, this is between me and Owen." She said holding her hand up at the other woman. Her voice softened slightly but still had the edge that made the other tense. "Owen, what is going on? Breaking up with me like that? What's happening?"
"It's really hard to explain, I would rather not explain okay." Owen sighed. "I can't explain."
"Can't or won't?" Beth asked. "I think I deserve more than a two line email Owen."
"You broke up with her through email?" Mark gaped. "Even I don't do that."
"Have you ever even had a relationship last longer than a night?" Derek asked.
Owen ignored his friends bickering in the background, "Yes you deserve so much more than two lines in an email Beth. You deserve more than me."
"You don't get to guilt-trip me Owen. I just want a reason why you want to end this, I just need any reason to why you wanted to end us."
He couldn't tell her about his sister, that's not how it worked. She didn't get to know about it, only Derek and himself. Owen knew how the rumour mill went around here, he didn't fancy to go around it in that way because of a death. "I'm sorry Beth. I really am, i'm just not in the right space or head game at the moment… I'm sorry, I really am."
"God, Owen you're unbelievable. I'm asking for a reason not an apology."
"Then I can't give one to you" His tone turned flat. He will not talk about this.
"Why?" She pressed, growing irritated by Owen's refusal to give her an answer. "Why can't you give me a valid reason? Do you like someone else?"
Derek could sense the heat that was emitting from Owen, it made his blood run cold amidst all the heat that was being thrown around. He knew he had to intervene, he knew the reason for Owen's breakup with Beth. He knew it but Owen didn't want anybody to know.
"No, I don't like someone else" Owen shot back. His thoughts went to Cristina for a minute but it quickly evaporated. He didn't see her as a romantic girl. And he didn't know if he ever liked her at all, at least not in that way. Sure, he found her attractive but that was because of her cold stoic personality and how he knew that just wasn't the case. "I don't like anyone, not anymore anyway."
"So you just grew tired of me then? Is that the case?" Beth hissed back.
"God no Beth. Does everything have to be about you?" Owen said sharply. "This isn't about you, it's about me!"
"You broke up with me, this has everything to do with me! So what happened Owen? You just wake up one day, go out with Megan or them" Beth indicated at the other three standing next to the fight. "Then you realise that you didn't like me and you sent me a two line email!."
Owen's blood rushed to his ear, everything was mute. His pulse was escalating and he could feel his breath starting to quicken at the mention of his sister's name. Clasping his hands together to stop them from shaking rapidly. God, this can't be happening, not now. Please not now. Owen begged himself. The tears threatened to spill, he could feel his eyes start to water. Images of her lifeless body flashed in his mind as he tried to push everything down to rebuttal Beth's argument.
"Beth why don't you stand down and take a deep breath." Derek said, he knew how this was going to go down.
"To hell I will Derek. You're just protecting him, like you guys all do. All your smart asses bond and think you're all so clever and smart. Top 5 of the class, big deal Derek!" She snapped at him.
"Clearly both parties need some much needed air,x" Addison said, now raising her voice to match Beth's escalating barrage of insults.
"No Addie stop, let me take care of it… Look Beth, I didn't just break up with you because I didn't like you. Not like that, I just couldn't do it okay?" He blinked away the tears, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Derek's crush, the perky blond that reminded him of Beth, George and, of course, Cristina in the background witnessing the hallway showdown.
"Just be a vague bastard, like you always are." she spat before sighing a deep sigh. "I deserved more than a two line email Owen. And you know it and I know it. I hope you're happy." The last part sounded forced by Beth's part but Owen didn't think much of it, he simply nodded and watched as Beth disappeared back to her dormitory.
His whole body was on the verge of collapse before he felt the light touch of Derek. "Are you okay?"
"I just need a minute, I'll meet you downstairs." Owen said, softly.
"I'll stay with you. You guys can head down" Derek indicated.
"No, Derek. I'm okay. Go down with them, I'd rather be alone if you don't mind."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I am. I'll meet you downstairs."
Derek sighed but headed his words, he didn't want to leave Owen all by himself but he knew better than to argue with him. "Come down when you're ready."
Owen nodded and went back into his room, shutting the door quietly behind him. And only when he knew it was safe, he fell onto his bed burrowing his head into the pillow releasing every ounce of pent up emotion that he kept in. His sobs wracked his body, causing him to shake and not allowing him to breath without the muffled breath sounds that he so often heard. Soon his sobs turned into periodic hiccups as he tried to find feeling within his body, but it wasn't there. Nothing, he could feel absolutely nothing.
Feeling numb was worse than feeling every emotion thrown into his body, he rather hurt than be numb. The devoid of feeling chipping away at every cell that kept the body intact, throwing everything out of the window- trying, attempting- to heal ourselves.
There was a hole in his heart where his sister was, he missed her so much. The guilt that wrecked his every movement, knowing that he should have waited for her after school but never did. And now, he could never see her again. Not at school, not at home; never. He's never going to see her wavy dark brown hair when he trails behind her friends.
He's never seeing her again. And he could never, ever tell her how much he loved her or hold her when she cried herself to sleep or stitch her up when she cut a little too deep. He wasn't going to ever do it again. A tear escaped his eyefolds, trailing down. Owen quickly wiped it away, trying to eliminate the numbness that eclipsed his entire body.
The sun was starting to rise, bits of orange starting to creep in but still Seattle was shrouded in darkness, he was shrouded in darkness. Owen's body refused to sleep for the whole night. Tossing and turning until he just gave up. There were too many things going on to allow him to sleep, too much to think about and regret and guilt wracked his entire body.
The lack of sleep he was getting didn't waiver his days trying to find his little sister, but it was over. The search was over.
The officer told them about her the night before, the wails and cries that the walls heard were unmatchable. Most of them were from his mother while his father would weep in silence. He knew what he did, it was his fault and he knew it. Nothing could ever replace the feeling of emptiness that washed over every single cell in his body.
Owen looked out the window, expecting the night sky to soon be replaced by the optimistic, happy blue skies. The red and orange starting to seep in but below, he saw a figure stumbling down the street. His gaze didn't falter as he watched them walk closer to his house, dark brown medium length hair with both arms slightly bent at her side with something dark looking gushing from her arms. But he couldn't make out what it was from the lingering darkness.
Suddenly he saw the tired looking person walking down the street, drop onto the street. Owen saw no precautions to stop themselves from falling, and as she went down; he saw her eyes. The unmistakable brown eyes that met his gaze.
Relief flooded into his mind, she wasn't dead. The officer revelation was dying before every bit of euphoria was replaced with fear. He flew out of his room, trying to dismiss the smell of cigarette and alcohol lingering in the kitchen. The multiple broken glasses that seemed to be shattered amidst the revelation by the officer.
The cold air of morning greeted him as he swung the door and the gate open, there was a trail behind where she was and then… Megan. She was lying there, a pool of crimson blood slowly growing as she laid there; unmoving.
"Megan?" He whispered. His voice couldn't raise past a whisper, he couldn't scream or shout or yell at anybody to get her help. He heard a faint whisper from her and he felt his knees thud onto the ground, as he picked up her pale body, cradling it back and forth. He applied pressure to her wounds but it was too late, she had lost too much blood.
His shirt started getting soaked with her blood but he ignored the growing wetness as he rocked her body, whispering in his ear. He knew he should have gotten help, why didn't he?
She was fading, and as the sun rose it the background, he felt her slip away. The pulse slowed down- little- less- nothing. No pulse, nothing.
Just her cold body in his arms, with blood soaking his clothes. No life, just holding death in his arms.
He couldn't let go now, not when he was so close to her. The tears that were brimming finally cascaded down his face, tired eyes finally gave in as he let out anguished cries of despair. He bit his bottom lip hard so he tried to prevent himself from being too loud, he started to taste the metallic of blood leak from the cut.
Owen didn't know how long he sat there, holding her body. The sun was beating down on them, but he couldn't bring himself to move. The blood dried and flaked off, leaving a bloody stain mixed with gravel.
Finally his parents came out, and gaped at the sight. It was a bittersweet moment of relief and sadness. His dad was holding his mom as she broke down in tears, in her bathrobe nonetheless. His father was standing there also unable to contain his emotions, but Owen refused to let go of his sister.
Sweet little Megan. Always sweet little Megan.
She was dead, she died in his arms. And he didn't even call for help. He couldn't call for help.
Why didn't he call for help?
"God, Megan. I'm so so sorry" He whispered to himself, "I'm so so sorry"
He didn't know how long he sat on the bed staring at the ceiling above but it felt like eternity, staring at the ceiling, feeling the aircon blow on-top of his own body sending a chill through his body. Soon he couldn't take it anymore, he had to get out of the room before it drove him insane.
Owen knew he should have headed down to the cafeteria where his friends would be waiting for him, but he knew that they'd ask question and Owen wasn't in the mood to be interrogated by Addison or Arizona. He found himself walking towards the common room and in the finding a relatively quiet area. To his pleasure, the common room wasn't even that packed. There was barely anybody except the fair few who were gaming in the corner. It would be good enough for Owen, and good was hard to come by these days.
[]
After the screaming match in the hallway, Meredith and the others agreed to go to dinner later than usual. They wouldn't have cared, they would have went to dinner anyway if not for Meredith insisting that they eat later.
So Cristina told them that she'd be reading in the common room without distraction, Izzie shot her multiple glares while the other two shrugged and continued playing whatever game they were playing.
Cristina found a relatively quiet corner to sit and read her book. Then she saw the redheaded man- Owen- sitting near there too. He looked absorbed into his book but questions started whirling in Cristina's head. How did he get down here so fast? I just saw him a minute ago. In truth it probably had been thirty or so minutes from the screaming match that took place outside and considering Meredith was trying to argue against the fact that she was lovestruck with McDreamy.
She saw everything that went down, the screaming with Beth who was in her history class. Cristina never took much note of her since she didn't really stick out as someone who was smart. She normally just sat in the corner waiting for people to answer the question.
Owen looked… sad. Fucked up and sad, while reading a book in the corner. This was probably what she looked like on the first day back at school. When he came in and saw her sitting in the corner biting her arm. Cristina Yang didn't do emotions, she locked them up but this was the least she could do. She knew how it felt to be sitting there with nobody but your inner demons consume you.
"Hey, you okay?" She asked. She surprised even herself for being so soft. "I don't have a tissue to offer you but I will ask you if you're okay."
"It's okay, i'm not crying." Owen replied, laughing slightly. "Yeah i'm okay. Just frazzled."
"I could tell" Cristina said, "Can I sit?"
Owen bit his bottom lip, thinking about whether or not sharing or even talking to her was a smart idea… but he needed the company that wasn't his regular gang of smart idiots. "Be my guest"
Cristina now had no idea what she wanted to say to this barely stranger. This might have been a mistake, but nonetheless she sat down anyway. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah i'm fine."
"I'm not good with the whole emotion things so I won't bullshit it." Cristina intoned, "I've seen my fair share of couple drama." She started. "There's always the 'BS' one. The one where people break up for bullshit reasons...then there's the one where it just burns out… "
"Okay…" Owen didn't know where she was going with this. He already knew that she didn't show emotions, that was almost established from when he met her. "Where are you going with this?"
"What I'm trying to say is that, there are different types of breakups and I've seen a lot. Probably to a disturbing degree… what you had with Beth, i've only seen one of"
"Who?" Owen asked, intrigued.
Cristina closed her eyes before taking a deep breath in. "My brother."
"What happened? If you don't mind me asking of course."
"He had ADHD" Cristina's hand wandered to her necklace. "He would play with our neighbours cats to help his impulses and the neighbours let him so it was fine. But one day, one of them died in his arms. Overeating I think. I wasn't there but he was, he would kinda detract from everything then he broke up with his girlfriends because he would forget to take his meds." She smiled fondly at the memory before.
Owen noticed her use of language, not 'has' but instead 'had. Past tense. Throughout her whole explanation she was speaking in past tense, he didn't know whether to comment and he knew that she probably didn't mean for it to slip out. "Oh, I'm sorry about the cat."
She waved her hand in dismissal "It's fine, I didn't play with them often. It affected him more than it affected me… what i'm trying to say, is that, it's okay. I'm sorry about whatever happened."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about yours too." Owen said, he didn't mean for the last part to slip out. Her use of language was only a small observation but his subconscious warped it into a full on sentence.
"Mine?" Cristina asked, slightly taken aback. She didn't recall telling him about her brother.
"You use past tense when you were explaining about your brother's breakup" explained Owen.
Cristina cursed inwardly at her own stupidity, how could she had let it slip?
"You probably didn't mean for it to come out, sorry for bringing it up." Owen said in reply to Cristina's discomfort at the mention of her brother.
"You're right, I didn't mean for it to come out." Cristina said, trying to keep her voice steady. "But things happen, it happens."
"It does" Owen agreed, "Things always happen."
"Do you mind me asking what happened?" Cristina asked, it was worth a shot. Like how he asked her when she was crying.
Owen hesitated in answered her question, this seemed completely out of character for her. "I don't know."
"You don't have to tell me" she shrugged, "You did the same thing for me, I thought I might return the favour."
Owen struggled with his answer, on one hand he wanted to break down and cry about everything that had happened but would it be worth the scrutiny or the reaction by her? He didn't know what happened to her brother but it was something bad for her to be using past tense. "It's about my sister… she's not here."
He could tell by her reaction that she knew, on some level, how to relate to sibling drama. Her hand, again, wandered to her necklace. She kept tracing back and forth, with her fingers- obviously with some sort of attachment associated with it.
"You don't have to say anymore than that if you don't want to." Cristina said, it hurt to think about her brother. It still hurts her. "I get it."
"You do?" Owen said, puzzled. "You probably don't, you're just saying that-"
"I do know, I do know how it feels" She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to try and suppress the incoming emotions; bracing herself.
"You don't have to say anything" Owen started.
"He's not here either, he died of an overdose when I was nine" She said, looking straight into Owen's blue eyes. She didn't expect herself to connect with someone who she had barely any history but it felt good to suddenly let it out. Nobody knew, everybody in Cali knew but nobody here knows except Owen. "I found his body in an alleyway."
"I'm sorry about your brother."
"I don't need the sympathy, I get what you're going through. I don't know where she is, but she's not here. She's not there to say good night or snuggle up to you or whatever. I get it and I don't want you to get it."
Owen was surprised, she was formidable. Not allowing emotions to control her, she was strong. Stronger than Owen could ever imagine himself being. "She's not here anymore, you're right. She's not there to snuggle up with me or do whatever because she's gone..."
"Take it slow or if you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to say it." Cristina said, she knew what she dropped was big. She just needed Owen to understand that she knew what it was like.
"She died" The words were like acid in his mouth. "She bled out in my arms." He expected the tears but none came, all of them were already in his pillow. He didn't feel anything at all.
"Welcome to the club." Cristina mumbled. "I'm sorry about your sister."
"Club?"
"Dead family club." She said, "I'm so sorry that you had to join the club."
Owen had no words, if it was just siblings it would have been called the 'dead sibling club' but she named it instead the 'dead family club'. Why? She was so much stronger that Owen could ever imagine, she's been through so much, and he could finally see the stoic facade fade away and the soft, emotionally vulnerable Cristina creep in.
He wanted to ask, but suppressed the urge to do so. Cristina could see his reaction, he wanted to know why she called it the 'dead family club' instead of the 'dead sibling club'. Was it worth sacrificing her mental sanity? She's never going to feel okay, but it was better than feeling like shit all the time. "It was my dad, we were in a car accident earlier this year." She said softly.
He took a deep breath, absorbing the information. "I'm sorry about him as well."
She sighed, "I don't need your sympathy, but yeah, i'm sorry about him too."
"I broke up with her so she couldn't see the change in me. She's going to see the harder 'Owen' not the 'Owen' she liked you know? I'm saving her the pain of dealing with me later."
"Now I have two examples in my roster." She said, giving him a small smile. "It's okay to give it up for a while, just be yourself. Don't let any other person rule what you want, be you."
"I'm trying to be me, but I don't know where to start."
"From the beginning" she said, "You find your own way, you alway do."
"Is that what you did?" He asked, "Did you start from the beginning?"
"Why do you think I moved to Seattle?" She didn't wait for him to reply. "Sometimes starting over is better than working through the trauma that you experienced. But it's also important to let it shape you, it makes you different… it always does. Starting anew doesn't mean forget everything, it means learning and being better than you were before"
"I'll keep that in mind, thank you" Owen said. Cristina Yang was a true force of nature, truly driving force.
"Cristina!" Someone called into the room, it was Meredith. "We're going down to dinner, are you coming?"
"Yeah I'm coming" She yelled back before turning back to Owen. "Come to dinner and go meet your friends?"
"That sounds good." Owen replied. It was nice finally letting it out about Beth, about Megan. It felt good to talk to someone with no history at all.
"You can talk to me if you need too, but it's best if you work it out on your own. It kills you all the time, every minute of every day. But you learn to live with it, and it dulls out." Cristina voiced, she never thought she'd be emotionally connecting with a complete stranger.
It'll always hurt, she learnt it the hard way.
Cristina could feel her heart rate escalate every time she talked about her brother or her father. It was always a pounding pain, from morning until night. She knew exactly how Owen felt- the guilt, the grief, sadness and anger- it was all there, eating at her mental sanity.
It was killing her, slowly and painfully until she would be nothing but an emotionless shell waiting to be brought back from death.