The Legends Still Live On
Bogen Siebundzwanzig-komma-vier: Extra Zwölf
Kapitel Ein: Riesen-Arraipe gegen Ooarai Kampfgruppe – Outtakes
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Opening Narrative – Take One
"When I was young, I always felt a lot smaller whenever I looked up at the stars," Erich spoke into the microphone in the studio room, being sure to put a sort-of reminiscing tone into his voice as needed. "There were just so many of them up there. But then I grew more curious the longer I thought about them. Why were there so many? Maybe it was because the number of stars was directly related to the amount of times I reached sexual euphoria, and therefore-"
All of a sudden, the blonde German stopped his narrative upon realizing exactly what he was saying. Up in the control room, the director of the film, Chuck, raised an eyebrow. He had also sensed something obviously wrong with the narrative. Several others observing the recording also came to the same conclusion, and many tried not to snicker.
After several seconds, a sigh was heard from Erich in the sound booth. "Okay, which one of you dicks switched out my script?" he asked, unamused as he looked to the glass separating him from the rest of the crew.
"Wasn't me," Anton raised his hands in surrender. He answered only because he saw how Erich had looked at him first. Really, it was not him, though he was trying really hard not to smile and show that he found that hilarious.
"Nor was it me," David dismissed from right next to the blonde American. He had no such trouble with hiding his amusement behind his master poker face.
In the back of the recording room, the blonde German caught a vibrant brown head of hair ducking to be inconspicuous. With that gesture alone, he knew who was responsible for switching out his script. "Yes, go. Walk out that door," he spoke up, pointing to where he saw the head of vibrant brown locks and flicking his wrist, ergo directing his finger in a motion as if to shoo someone.
Almost as if bending to his will, everyone parted so that he could see who was in the back. He was completely unsurprised to discover Miho was the one who did it.
Pointing at her again, Erich stated to her, "You will pay for this in the bedroom."
In response, several people present broke into snickers, while some started outright laughing. Miho, however, simply smiled a devilishly seductive grin, as if finding such a threat wasn't truly a threat.
"Cut," Chuck called the scene finally. In response, Ray, manning all the recording equipment, cut the previous audio record and set up to perform another take.
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Opening Narrative – Take Two
"When I was young, I always felt a lot smaller whenever I looked up at the stars," Erich voiced, this time with a new script. "There were just so many of them up there. But then I grew more curious the longer I thought about them. Why were there so many? Maybe it was representative of the amount of hard, honest workers that had embraced the glorious wonders of communism-"
Again, the German suddenly stopped upon realizing that this was another false script, except rather than something straight out of a heavy romance novel, this time it was communist propaganda. Up in the recording room, Chuck covered his face with his hands, not out of exasperation, but to muffle his laughter. Ray made to cut the audio and prepare for another take, but the burgundy-haired American patted him frantically with one of his hands, shaking his head frantically in a way that said, 'no, keep rolling, this is gold!'
Back in the sound booth, one of Erich's eyebrows twitched. Next, he slowly removed his headset and hung it on the microphone. Everyone watching through the glass saw how he remained utterly still for a few seconds before just exploding in a frenzy of activity, throwing his script at the glass in fury.
"WER HAT DER RUSSE AM SET GELASSEN!?" the blonde German raged in the booth, demanding an answer as to who let the Russians on the set. "JENE SCHEIßTROLLE KÖNNEN MICH AM SCHEIßARSCH LECKEN, VERDAMMT!"
Chuck just gave up on trying to keep quiet and started laughing in earnest. He understood enough German to know that Erich was cursing quite vigorously.
A few there could fully understand Erich's tirade, namely Miho and Herz. They perfectly heard him say that those fucking trolls can kiss his fucking ass, dammit.
Just outside the studio, the German's tirade could still be heard loud and clear, and Sasha and Nudelmann just burst into laughter, "KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA!" Their prank was a success, and the two Russians high-fived to congratulate themselves.
"Okay, okay, cut," Chuck regained his composure a few minutes later, sitting up straight. When Ray cut that audio recording, the burgundy-haired American leaned over and whispered, "Save that." The Night Lightning pilot quirked an eyebrow, to which Chuck answered with a look saying to just trust him. Ray just decided to go with it and saved that recording, before setting up for another take.
Chuck finally paid his attention to Erich in the sound booth. The blonde was taking no chances this time, skimming through the entire script he was given this time to see if anything was wrong with it. Finally, after seeing nothing was amiss, Erich set the script before him, and then Chuck spoke up, "Okay, from the top, Erich."
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Erich Informs Miho Scene – Take One
"Hey, that didn't do jack," Miho heard Erich's voice over the radio in her Panzer IV. The Bf 109 Erich flew was plenty audible over the line.
"What? Seriously!?" the light brunette reacted in disbelief.
"Nichts," the blonde confirmed. "I think all we did was piss it off."
"Ugh…" Miho groaned and rubbed her forehead. She then smoothed her hand over her dark blue Ooarai Panzerkraft jacket. For several seconds, she remained silent.
Several seconds became too long to ignore any longer, and finally Erich came in over the radio again. "You forgot your line, didn't you?" he asked, saying it like it was a statement.
Miho flushed red in embarrassment, and she looked about ready to refute him, but instead just sighed and hung her head. "Yes," she quietly admitted. She hated admitting he was right when he was so smug about it.
Chuck sighed from behind the cameras. "CUT!" he declared, and the scene was cut in response. The cameras kept rolling still, however, for reasons exactly as this: to capture bloopers.
"Bubi, you better stay quiet or I will gladly remove your ability of speech at the next opportunity," Miho grit out over the radio, completely intolerant of the impending smug attitude she was predicting would come.
"With what, exactly?" the blonde retorted, not seeming to care in the slightest. "Because there are… enjoyable ways to be deprived of it."
"I swear, I will sew your mouth shut," Miho threatened, not even bothering to say anything about the innuendo he just made.
"Bah, that's not original enough," Erich countered as if it was no big concern. "I don't feel scared enough, yet. Surely you've got something better?"
One of the vibrant brunette Panzerkommandeur's eyebrows twitched.
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Sodoko Informs Miho Scene – Take One
"Captain!" Miho heard Sodoko's voice come over the radio. "We finished up with excavating the- oh, dammit!"
The entirety of the Panzer IV crew broke into giggles at the goof, except for Mako, that is.
"Tongue-tied, Sodoko?" the aloof driver asked with a straight face.
"Shut up, Reizei!" the Public Morals Committee head retorted. "You hardly have any lines, anyway!"
"As do you," Mako countered smoothly.
"Shut up!" Sodoko demanded, unable to come up with a counter to that. Until she did, "And don't call me Sodoko!"
"CUT!" Chuck declared again, and the scene was cut.
However, before he got the chance to say anything else, the burgundy-haired American noticed Christian on one of the computers manipulating a chronologically earlier scene, the so-called 'Defeat of Hetzer and I-Go Scene,' messing with CGI to generate a scene of the volleyball girls literally flying out of the top hatch of their tank like they were superheroes.
"Christian, for fuck's sake, what are you doing?" Chuck shook his head in disbelief as he asked.
The crack pilot momentarily turned to Chuck, briefly acknowledging him before turning back. "Pulling a Marvel," he explained, going back to what he was doing prior.
"'Pulling a Marvel?'" the burgundy-haired American repeated, not quite understanding what he meant by that. Of course he was aware of Marvel and all their films, but what Christian had meant he did not know.
"Yeah," the crack pilot confirmed with a nod. "Absurd villain, humorous heroes, near-nonsensical plotline, the works."
"Just find a way to make Thor fight Hulk again and I'll be happy," Kay chipped in to the Marvel discussion from where she controlled all the lighting.
"Honestly, something like this is probably best fit as a Thor film," Naomi contemplated with a hand below her chin in a thinking pose. She was over to the side of the set. "The otherworldly monster just kind of pulls it into that group."
"Well, hey, it could also be a Hulk film!" Alisa retorted, looking over toward the crack shot tank gunner from the other side of the set. "Monster versus monster, just like with the first one!"
Chuck looked up to the sky. 'God, give me strength…' he prayed silently.
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Miho Asks for Erich's Music – Take One
"Hey, Bubi, can you put on some Musik?" Miho asked over the radio in the Panzer IV to Erich.
"Oh, so now you ask me for my Musik, now do you?" the blonde returned in mock-offense. His Bf 109 was easily heard in the background.
The vibrant brunette grew an amused grin at his response. "Yes, I am," she confirmed her wish. "It would fit the mood very well."
Erich let out a long sigh of mock-exasperation before he said, "Alright, I've got just the one."
As her Panzer IV kept driving, Miho soon heard over the radio, "Do you have bugs infesting your apartment?"
"Oh, come on!" Erich complained simultaneously as the other voice continued on. "Goddamn ads…"
"Are you suffering from literal bedbugs at night?"
"CUT!" Chuck called the scene. At that, the camera crews stopped recording.
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Miho Asks for Erich's Music – Take Two
"Hey, Bubi, can you put on some Musik?" Miho asked over the Panzer IV's radio to Erich.
"Oh, so now you ask me for my Musik, now do you?" the blonde retorted as if having taken offense. The Messer he flew was easily heard in the background.
Miho grew a smile in answer to the blonde's behavior. "Yes, I am," she responded. "It would fit the mood very well."
Erich let out a long sigh of exasperation, even though it was also obvious he found the situation amusing as well. "Alright, I've got just the one," he said.
Miho's Panzer IV kept on its predetermined path, but what she heard next from the radio was, "Are you suffering from incompetence?"
The vibrant brunette laid her head back and closed her eyes, knowing already that they would have to do another take. Just from his silence, she could tell that Erich was about a millimeter away from blowing a gasket.
"Is your little man just not up to snuff?"
"CUT!" Chuck called again. The cameras stopped recording yet again.
"Situations like this is why I absolutely despise Amerika…" Erich gritted out through the radio. "Damned ruthless, vulture capitalists…"
"Well, fear not! Because with the brand new, absolutely one-hundred percent proven-to-satisfy Orgasma, you, too, can go screw an entire brothel without even breaking a sweat!"
Admittedly, Miho felt the same way as Erich did about the onslaught of advertisements the Americans were so fond of orchestrating, but not even she could stop herself from lightly snickering at this ad. Many others on the set just broke out into howling laughter.
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Miho Asks for Erich's Music – Take Three
"Hey, Bubi, can you put on some Musik?" Miho asked Erich over the Panzer IV's radio.
"Oh, so now you ask me for my Musik, now do you?" Erich's voice returned with something resembling an offended tone, yet also amusement. His Bf 109 was clearly audible in the background as the DB 605 continued churning out power.
The vibrant brunette nearly giggled at the blonde's words and tone. "Yes, I am," she answered him, still with a smile on her face. "It would fit the mood very well."
She heard the German ultra-ace let out a long sigh of exasperation or annoyance mixed, yet she could just hear the smile on his face nevertheless. "Alright, I've got just the one," he promised.
Miho's Panzer continued driving along its route, the girl herself silently hoping no ads interrupt this take as they did with the last two.
However, it was not meant to be, and she merely sighed as she heard over the radio, "Sind Sie stocksauer, wie der Präsident Schwarzwaldspitzes?"
'Wait a minute, I remember that ad!' Miho mentally realized, eyes widening in recognition of the narrating voice, as well as the slow-motion playback of her old Präsident yelling in the middle of one of his tirades that overlapped that line simultaneously. The narrating voice belonged to his Manager für Öffentlichkeitsarbeit, or Manager for Public Relations. 'That's the ad for the Bleistift des Verhängnis!'
"Widerspricht irgendjemand all Ihren Plänen?" the advertisement continued on. Partway through, something was heard opening up, and the sound of rushing wind invaded the radio. "Vielleicht ein fischliebender Kartenperverse-"
All of a sudden, the ad was cut off. Following this, there was a clunk, and the rushing wind noise stopped.
Outside, Chuck and Kay were both looking up at the sky with binoculars, watching Erich's Bf 109. "Did he just…?" Chuck asked, hesitating as he wondered if what he just saw did indeed just happen.
"Yep," Kay answered, popping the 'P,' as she continued watching the Messer. "He just threw his phone out of his plane."
"Ugh…" Chuck groaned, looking straight up in exasperation as he brought down his binoculars. "CUT!" He then turned to Alisa who wasn't far away. "Get a recording of the song and play it over the radio." Turning back to the scene, he added, "I'm sick of these fucking ads."
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History Buffs in the Pond Scene – Take One
As the cameras began recording, a few seconds elapsed until the entirety of Hippo Team broke the surface of the pond. All of them gladly started taking in deep breaths to get precious oxygen into their starved lungs.
"That Arraipe's got quite the surprise attack!" Erwin remarked in the midst of regaining her breath.
"I don't think I can be surprised anymore than that," Caesar thought aloud.
During the Italian buff's line, Erwin had lazily looked around and discovered a garment of clothing floating on the surface. "Hm?" she hummed in question, reaching out for it and inspecting it. "This is… Oh." Her eyes widened in alarm upon discovering she was holding a skirt.
Saemonza started to climb out of the pond as was scripted, but Erwin hurried over to stop it. "Wait, wait Monza! Don't get up!" she called out to the Sengoku-era buff.
"Hm?" Saemonza went, wondering what was up. "What?"
She had not realized it, but Erwin had: the skirt the German had found had belonged to Saemonza, and apparently had come off sometime while the four of them were in the pond. Ergo, she had nothing covering the lower parts of her body.
Erwin had already rushed over and cast a hand in the path of the camera to prevent it from catching sight of Saemonza's unmentionables. "CUT!" the German declared. She then glared dangerously at the camera. "And do not even try to record that!"
Chuck turned his head down and shielded his eyes with one of his hands to give due respect. The rest of the film crew found ways to avert their gaze as well, whether it be through physically covering their eyes, turning around, or reorganizing to perform another take when ready.
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Saki Runs to Arraipe Scene – Take One
Saki was urgently running down the hill as fast as she was able, taking care to keep her balance the whole way down. Behind and trailing with their multi-ton selves were the Panzer IV H and the M3 Lee.
But she tripped over herself partway down, and lost her ability to stay upright, collapsing to the ground and into a barrel roll. She rolled down the hill like a log, arms stretched forth and legs straight. She rolled as such for several rolls until she slammed straight into the camera.
As a result, the camera and the crew for it got taken along for a ride, as well. The camera captured all this tumbling and all the crashes and smacks that resulted. Finally, the camera came to rest pointing in some direction of hilly scenery. That is, until it turned towards Saki, by her own hand.
Coming down the hill and clearly audible through their footsteps were the members of Anglerfish Team and Rabbit Team. Coming from the mouths of the various members of the two teams were things like, "Saki!?" "Saki, are you okay!?" "Are you all right!?" and things of that nature.
"Camera…" was all the normally-silent Saki said. She said such while looking into the lens with her not-all-there expression.
Chuck had repeatedly winced with each impact Saki and the camera crew made. "Cut," he wearily declared.
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Rabbit Team Report Scene – Take One
"Saki found the little Arraipe on the beach yesterday…" Yuuki revealed with hands clasped together and an overall nervous demeanor. To her side was Karina, whose heart beat in sheer anxiety for her own upcoming line. But she did a great job in not showing this in her actions. "… We had thought about reporting it somewhere…"
"But it only wanted to be around Shaki-D'oh!" Karina said her line, but goofed at the end with Saki's name.
"CUT!" Chuck declared, and the film crew reset for another take while the other Rabbit Team members all had a giggle. Even Karina herself managed to laugh off her goof.
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Rabbit Team Report Scene – Take Two
"Saki found the little Arraipe on the beach yesterday…" Yuuki reported with hands clasped and just looking pretty nervous in general. "… We had thought about reporting it somewhere…"
"But it only daunted-Augh!" Karina said her line, but she goofed again with saying 'daunted' instead of 'wanted.'
"CUT!" Chuck declared again. In response, the film crew again began resetting for another take. In the meantime, Karina held her face in her hands as she despaired over getting her line wrong again.
During the intermission, Karina took the time to drill the line into her head, and even gave herself some motivation by lightly slapping her face to focus herself even more. No, she would not get her line wrong again.
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Rabbit Team Report Scene – Take Three
"Saki found the little Arraipe on the beach yesterday…" Yuuki said with hands together, looking nervous. "… We had thought about reporting it somewhere…"
"But it only wanted to be around Saki…" Karina said her line. Correctly, this time.
As the scene moved on to focus on Saki and Miho's interaction, Karina triumphantly raised a fist.
"Yukyuari…" Miho began her part, but her face scrunched up as if she was about to sneeze. "Ah…!"
"CUT!" Chuck declared. Obeying his word, the film crew began resetting for another take.
"Ah, never mind, caught it!" the vibrant brunette reassured, having managed to avoid sneezing. Immediately after, she was practically assaulted by Karina, the girl being immensely frustrated at having to perform yet another take of her scene.
"Dammit, Captain, why!?" the ninth-year went on her tirade, swinging her fist animatedly as she ranted. "I worked so hard to get my line down, and now we have to start all over again!"
Miho held her hands up in a placating gesture, looking rather guilty about being the cause of Karina's misfortune, even if unintentional.
"From the top again!" Chuck called out to the actors and actresses.
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Words of Wisdom Scene – Take One
"However, the heart that tries to understand the unknown, the yet unknown things that are yet unknown unknown…" Miho spoke her piece as the sea breeze blew against her hair. "Mankind's… Naaaaa…"
However, she started tripping over her words partway through. At that, Chuck sat back in his director chair, threw up his hands, and declared, "CUT!"
"Naaaa, what was it again…?" she asked, suitably mortified by her forgetfulness.
Erich shook his head in exasperation from behind her, crossing his arms. "Mein Gott, you are the worst actress ever," he commented on Miho's acting. He brought one of his arms back up, to use to pointedly gesture with finger waving as he recited the line in question, "However, the heart that tries to understand the unknown rather than conquer it might be the more important thing. And we showed that to the Arraipe." He finished with a face that effectively said, 'there you have it.'
Miho looked with a pouty face towards Erich, pulling such a face due to his perfect recital of her script, even though she knew he hadn't gotten more than a quick glance at it. "Chuck, do you have some string and a needle?" she called out to the director, keeping eye contact with the blonde in the process. "I have to sew someone's mouth shut."
Chuck probably shouldn't have answered, but he was just so exhausted from all the shit he had to deal with to film this short movie that he just pointed and wearily said, "Stage left."
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The television that the St Gloriana folks were watching the film on then blacked out as it reached the end of the outtakes collection, with the screen saying such.
Among them, Darjeeling was bent over and just about choking on her own giggles. She was just laughing that hard. The others around her – Assam, Orange Pekoe, Arthur, Douglas, and Dennis – were all just silently wondering if the Churchill commander was crazy.
"Why the hell is this lass enjoying this so bloody much?" Douglas asked in reference to Darjeeling's uncontrollable laughter.
Arthur looked to him with a look saying it was obvious. "Because it's Darjeeling," he reasoned.
Assam and Dennis both reinforced that reasoning by leveling a look at Douglas that dared him to argue. In the end, he came to the same understanding as the others. "Well, okay, that's true," he admitted.
Orange Pekoe was looking at the case the disc had come in, looking over what was included in the disc's contents. "We've seen the film itself…" she said to herself as she read off the list of content. "We just finished watching the outtakes… There's an audio commentary… Actually, there's two audio commentaries: one called 'military' and another called 'cast.'"
"We'll watch both…!" Darjeeling managed to utter amidst her perpetual giggling, weakly lifting a finger to illustrate her point.
"Uuuuugh…" the other five Brits groaned in unison.
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Over on the beach of Ooarai, it was a bright, sunny day with the relaxing sounds of the sea about the only thing one could hear.
"Making that film was an absolute blast!" Karina happily said. She and Saki were at the beach to hang out together after all the filming was done.
"Yeah…" was all the normally-quiet ninth-year said.
Karina turned to Saki, just remembering another thing she wanted to say. "Saki, you just nailed the heroine role in that!" she complemented in her typical highly energetic tone. "Just…" She waved her hands around wildly, not even being able to put it into words how awesome it was. "It was just awesome!"
"You performed well, also, Karina," Saki replied as she looked out over the ocean.
But her attention was soon captured when she thought she saw something move under the waves. She blinked once before slightly widening her gaze, perhaps in alarm, at what she was seeing. Whatever it was, it looked incredibly similar to the Arraipe that was just present in the film. It had all the same features: numerous tentacles surrounding a distinctly fleshy body.
That was what she thought she saw. However, next she knew, Erich was jumping out of the water just ahead of the creature in question in nothing but his black swim trunks, laughing hilariously as he continued running while periodically looking back. Saki didn't know what was up with him, so she turned her attention back to the creature.
However, as soon as this 'creature' came up and surfaced, she understood Erich's running off. Truthfully, the 'creature' was just Miho, in her pink two-piece swimsuit, with an Arraipe mockup on top of her head. The vibrant brunette looked absolutely pissed, and with that, Saki could somewhat predict what had happened to make her such.
"KOMM HIERHER ZURÜCK, BUBI!" the German Panzerkommandeur screamed at the fleeing blonde to get back here. She had begun sprinting after him as soon as she left the water, not wanting to fall far behind. "ICH WERDE DICH NACKT AN DEINEN FÜßEN AM MARINETURM AUFHÄNGEN!" she next screamed how she would hang him naked by his feet from the Ooarai Marine Tower.
Of course, Saki and Karina did not understand any of that and simply saw a furious Miho screaming her incomprehensible rage at Erich as she chased after him, with a ridiculous Arraipe mockup on her head. Both of them found it extremely odd that, even though Miho had more or less been the real star of the film, she was next doing this, whatever it was she was doing with chasing down Erich like she wanted to rip him limb from limb. The incredible silliness of the entire situation was something neither of the underclassmen would've ever expected out of the incredibly timid yet strong-willed girl and the boy that expressed himself fearlessly much to the chagrin of well-mannered people yet held an incredible sense of righteousness as well. Both Karina and Saki wondered if this was the real Miho and the real Erich, what they were like when they had no obligations. Because now, they almost seemed like children.
"That was weird," Saki commented. Karina nodded in agreement as she stared at the two Germans as if they had both grown another head. Ironically, she noted, that was almost exactly what Miho looked like with that Arraipe mockup on her head.
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Part of Projekt Jägermeistern.
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The author doesn't claim to own "Girls und Panzer" or any other references made. "Girls und Panzer" belongs to Actas. Any references made belong to their respective owners.
Feel free to ask any questions if you have them. Please note, however, that questions asked without being signed in will not be answered. The author would prefer to address questions outside of the story, and leaving questions while signed in provides that ability.