It probably had to do something with the fact that they had spent the night together, Sakura thought. She could hardly keep her eyes off Shikamaru and it was getting embarrassing. She really thought she knew his face well after all this time, but every time she looked at him she found something new, like those cute freckles near his nose or that little curl of hair next to his right ear. She never thought that a simple metal stud in a man's ear could look so absolutely sexy. Maybe it was because she remembered how the night before she licked his earlobe when…
"Sakura," Shikamaru said. "Stop looking at me like that or you'll never get your dango."
"Why not?" Sakura asked, a little hurt.
Shikamaru turned towards her.
"Cause if you don't stop, I'll just throw you over my shoulder and take you straight back to my bed. There's a limit to what a man can take, you know."
"Don't be ridiculous," Sakura said, giving an ugly look to a brunette who smiled at Shikamaru.
Shikamaru stopped and turned to Sakura again. "Take my arm."
"What?"
He grinned.
"You can take my arm and settle the question of ownership that way instead of giving death glares to every female passing by. I'm surprised that girl didn't faint in terror."
Now it was Shikamaru who got a death glare of the first degree.
"She looked at you as if you didn't have on a stitch," Sakura stated.
"No, that's you," Shikamaru said, still grinning. "Not that I mind, you know. I'm just rather suprised to find that the phrase 'bedroom eyes' actually means something. In broad daylight, no less."
"Oh, just stop it and get lost," Sakura murmured and looped her arm through his.
It was just to make him stop joking, Sakura argued with herself. Although… she had to admit that it was nice to walk this way. His bicep was hard, his arm solid and safe as she held on to it. 'Safe? What do you mean, safe?' Inner Sakura said with a sneer. 'You could bundle him up and start hitting the pavement with him until one of them goes, and he could do sweet fuckin' nothing about it!'
Inner was right, of course, but still… This was again something that never happened to her before. Lee always held her hand as if he were afraid that he would break it. And Sasuke was never the hand-holding or arm-offering type of guy, period. While they were dating they still walked next to each other as if they were teammates. But most shinobi couples walked that way together, didn't they?
She remembered Kurenai and Asuma. They always walked separately, as two strangers, no matter how deeply they loved each other. What about Genma and Shizune? Did they walk arm in arm or holding hands? Nope. Tenten and Lee? No.
Even Naruto and Hinata weren't holding hands on the street. The only couple who were unashamedly and proudly offering signs of deep and mutual affection in public were Ino and Chouji, but Ino never cared about anyone's opinion and Chouji was so smitten with Ino that he blindly followed her anywhere, anytime.
What if Shikamaru only offered her his arm because he thought it would please her and he never expected her to accept it? Maybe he thought she was clingy.
Maybe she was clingy. Here she was, holding on to him for dear life on their first date and after spending only one night with him, and that in itself was plain wrong, going to bed first and dating afterwards… what about 'never have sex with a man on the first date'? Hell, wasn't it 'never let a man kiss you on the first date'?
Well, she did a lot more things before they even talked about dating.
And she was the one who asked him out, not the other way around.
She frowned. But Shikamaru was ok with that, wasn't he? He was too intelligent to take something like that seriously. And Temari had been his girlfriend for years – that woman was anything but shy. Independent, proud, self-reliant, strong, bold, oh yes. Waiting for a man to take the first step – no.
On the other hand, Shikamaru was always old-fashioned, a bit of a male chauvinist, even. Kunoichi were the exception, not the rule in his opinion. Women in general should be silent, smiling, dainty, protected by strong men.
Not that he advertised this opinion a lot with Ino, Temari and his mom around. But wasn't there somewhere a civilian that he had dated for a few months when he and Temari quarrelled once again and for a while it seemed as if this time it was final?
Sakura saw the girl a few times – she was a sweet girl, really, and Shikamaru seemed happy enough with her. What was her name again? Some kind of flower. Sakura didn't remember her very well. It all happened about the time when she and Lee suddenly broke up and she just wasn't ready to meet happy young couples so she saw less of Shikamaru.
Was that really the kind of woman he wanted for himself?
If she had never fallen in love with Sasuke as a child he would not be the kind of man that she'd want for herself. She'd have wanted someone more lively, more fun. Not on the Naruto level, of course… but there should be something else in life beside duty and training and work.
That was when it began to turn cold between them – when she realized that for Sasuke she was another duty. Treat Sakura well, she's such a nice girl. Faithful, loyal, loving. She'll be the ideal vessel for your offspring. Sasuke went through all the moves like a machine. Dates, gifts, sex. And he resented that she wasn't going to cooperate. Or, rather, her body wasn't.
She should be grateful to him for providing an escape route.
Was it something that he had planned in advance? If she hadn't found them fucking like rabbits on the floor, she would have kept trying, ad infinitum. Was it part of a plan?
This way he got what he wanted and what was better for both of them in the long run, and he took the blame. When he found he couldn't give anything to her, he at least gave her this – a clean break, as Shikamaru said. And she was the wronged party, the innocent, faithful girlfriend whose heart got broken because her ex-boyfriend was careless and selfish.
Sakura found it was easier to accept this explanation. What really broke her heart was the reverberating question – was that really all I meant to him, a useless object discarded without a thought? Am I really just a peck of dirt on his shoes?
It had been completely different with Lee. When one day he looked at her and said, very seriously, that he thought things were not going the way they were supposed to and she had to agree, they stayed up all night, explaining, arguing, talking, and they both cried. It was hard to break up but it wasn't hard to stay friends.
What if she was on the way to mess this up with Shikamaru, too – wanting too much, too soon, being bossy and loud, and clingy… Did he think she was a slut? Or did he think that she was a sad, forlorn, boring creature who couldn't keep a boyfriend, no matter how hard she tried? Was that the reason why she threw herself at him without any scruples? Because she was too desperate and pathetic to have any morals?
There were so many metaphorical quagmires around.
"What's the matter?" Shikamaru asked, his voice gentle, tentative. "You look sad."
"I'm thinking of all the ways that one can mess up a relationship," Sakura answered without thinking.
"Now that's a fitting theme for a first date," Shikamaru commented drily. "You could follow it up with something on how things always get worse and worse instead of getting better, maybe something about the decline of society in general and the sorry state of the morals of younger generations – hey, Sakura, what if we just put this aside until we get to be about seventy and on the Elders' council? I'm pretty sure that by that time Ino will be a vindictive old biddy and Neji will have forgotten how to talk and will resort to hand signs… and Naruto will still be completely clueless if anything. I'm sure we'll have a field day discussing things like this."
It was simply amazing how Shikamaru could change her mood in seconds. It was almost uncanny, Sakura thought.
"Maybe you're right," she said. Then she added as an afterthought, "And what about Kakashi?"
Shikamaru didn't miss a beat.
"He'll have reached the tender age of… what, eighty-four? Eighty-five? The real Elders will call him Kid. And he'll still be reading Icha Icha. Only sometimes he will forget where he put it, and we'll turn everything upside down looking for it before the meeting."
Sakura was laughing so hard that her face hurt.
"And Kiba's dogs will be running around sniffing and barking…"
"And in the meanwhile Kiba will be telling us about how the day before she dated a young chick, not a day over fifty…"
"And Shino will fly in the window because he will be carried around by his bugs by then…"
They were both laughing now, Sakura still holding on to Shikamaru's arm.
"You're such fun," she said, wondering why she never noticed this before. She couldn't even say that it was a surprise, like his sex life was – it still amazed her how confident and experienced and… uh, masculine he was. Now she saw that each time she looked at him, the way he carried himself, not proud or arrogant, but sure of himself. But his funny, amusing side was nothing new. When she was with team 10, they always had fun together. Ino was always in the center, but it was Shikamaru who was orchestrating things from the background.
Take last summer festival, for example, Sakura thought. Her team was not in Konoha, and she couldn't accompany them on their mission because she was to be on duty in the hospital on the day following the festival. Shizune always pulled in everyone available during and after festivals – there were the firework accidents, wounds from drunken fistfights, sudden colds and the occasional food poisoning to handle the next day. Ino was supposed to work the same shift as Sakura and somehow it was the logical conclusion that they would spend the day together.
Shikamaru was rather different when he wasn't concentrating on his work. He looked the same – bored, distant, aloof; his remarks on the other hand were anything but. Ino and Chouji were totally focused on each other, and the whole day was bearable only because of Shikamaru's company. He took care of Sakura like a big brother would, bought her sweets, complimented her on her dress and told some funny stories about co-workers and friends. One of them was about how Ino and Tsunade-sama, who used to frequent the same shoe store, once found that they wanted the same pair of sandals which happened to be the last one, and an epic battle of catfighting and name-calling followed, while all the men in the store stopped and looked and took bets on who would win.
Sakura laughed like crazy, then Ino turned back and asked what was so funny and they both said 'NOTHING!' like frightened kids, and then started to laugh again, and then Shikamaru said he wanted to take a picture of them. He was ANBU by then, and his grim smile told them everything that moment that they needed to know – how many more summer festivals till they were all together, how many more till he was alive?
Then he said something about wanting a pic of his most beautiful friend, and when Ino asked 'what, me?' he said no, and then Ino asked 'Sakura?' and her tone was jealous, and Sakura was already opening her mouth to say something to alleviate the situation when Shika said coldly, 'I'm talking about Cho, of course – he broke my heart when he cheated on me with you!' and Chouji said in a false surprise, fluttering his eyelashes, 'But you promised never to mention it, sweetheart – let bygones be bygones!' and they carried on and on for minutes, the accusations and endearing terms were getting nastier and funnier, the boys just kept going, their faces serious, and her throat was getting hoarse with laughing… and then Chouji just pulled her and Ino next to him and Shika took the photo of the three of them laughing together.
"Does the mental image of Shino flying around make you so happy? If it does, we could always ask him to…" Shikamaru said, interrupting her thoughts.
"No," Sakura said slowly. "I was thinking of the summer festival, the day I spent with you and Ino and Chouji. You were so sweet," she added, looking up into his face.
"Really?" he asked. "I'd like to know more about that."
"Why did you stop, anyway?" Sakura asked, stalling for time.
"This is the teashop I mentioned," he said, looking at her with a lopsided smile. "Shall we go in?"
Sakura didn't like the place. It was a pity, really. She could see why Shikamaru liked it – it was near the codebreaker department and it was a really friendly little teashop, offering a wide assortment of desserts and sweets and different brands of tea and coffee. The shop also had a back garden with some tables and chairs, and Shikamaru was shown straight to the one in the corner where it was quiet and the commotion outside was almost invisible behind the foliage of the creepers and bushes that separated the garden from the street.
And the waitress was very friendly. Very, very friendly.
Sakura hated this place.
The waitress, a beautiful blonde that could have put Naruto's sexy no jutsu to shame if her skirt was just a tiny bit shorter, was bending forward to Shikamaru, flashing a lot of cleavage and busily pointing out things on the menu that, in Sakura's opinion, needed no pointing out at all.
Shikamaru was smiling politely, either being used to this kind of treatment or not caring one way or another.
Sakura was busy taking turns hating the busty blonde waitress and hating herself. It wasn't as if they were married, for heaven's sake! Shikamaru could talk to whoever he wanted to - especially if he was a regular customer here.
She wasn't unfamiliar with this kind of behaviour from other women, after all. The members of her team were all extremely good-looking. With Kakashi's reputation of having the face of an angel, Yamato's rugged manliness, Sasuke's dark good looks, Sai's almost feminine beauty and Naruto's boyish charm she had to be extra assertive to have her order remembered by swooning waitresses whenever they went out together. She could put this little… this girl in her place with a look – but what if Shikamaru got angry with her – or, even worse, found her jealousy ridiculous?
"So it would be jasmine green tea and dango for you, sir. An excellent choice."
"What would you like, Sakura?" Shikamaru asked.
Sakura was angry with herself. Angry and ashamed. Here she was out on her first date and as possessive as a matriarch. She decided to be extra nice to the waitress so she turned to her with a smile.
"What would you recommend?" she asked.
The waitress shrugged. "All our sweets are fabulous. But if you're on a diet, I'd recommend the fruit salad."
She only took her eyes off Shikamaru to send Sakura a smug smile.
Sakura was also used to other women being bitchy to her – dating Sasuke had its drawbacks. But had this woman just called her fat in front of Shikamaru? She blushed and bit her lip.
Before she could decide whether to excuse herself and run out to the girls' loo or resort to saying something equally bitchy, she felt Shikamaru's hand on her own.
"My friend will have the same as me, thank you," he said to the waitress.
His voice was decidedly colder than before and when Sakura looked up, she saw that this time it was the waitress who blushed.
Shikamaru waited until she disappeared, then he leaned to Sakura and kissed her face.
"Don't think twice about it," he said. "Silly cow. Usually I only come in here when the other waitress is working. I hate it when a woman dangles her breasts in my face without being asked to."
Sakura frowned.
"I can't remember you doing any asking in my case."
"I can't remember you ever throwing yourself at me against my will," Shikamaru said. "It would have been nice to get the VIP treatment just once."
"You just said the words 'against my will,'" Sakura said slowly. "Would that be the VIP treatment you mentioned?"
Shikamaru looked away. Was that a blush on his face? When he looked at Sakura again, the look in his brown eyes was breathtakingly sincere.
"I never envied Uchiha his fangirls. Except for one."
She didn't know what to say, but he changed the subject.
"So… summer festival, hmm? Did I hear you say I was… sweet?" he said, mocking her.
She was saved from answering by a waitress with a teatray in hand who appeared just in time. She was a middle-aged woman, a bit chubby, her shiny dark brown hair in a big but tidy bun. Her hair must be very long, Sakura thought. She resembled Chouji a little, except for her eyes which were sharp, dark and shining with a bird-like curiosity and intelligence.
"Oh, here she is!" Shikamaru commented happily. "My favourite waitress! I thought you were ill or something."
"Nah, I was in the kitchen and didn't hear you coming in, Nara-san," the woman said, busily distributing teacups and plates.
"Suzuki-san - meet my friend, Sakura Haruno. Sakura – this is Suzuki-san. I was talking about her earlier."
"Oh yes," Sakura said with a warm smile. She was ready to embrace this woman if Shikamaru wanted her to. Thank God Shika wasn't referring to the blonde beauty as the reason of his visits here! "Nice to meet you, Suzuki-san. Shikamaru said you were a wise woman but he didn't mention you had such beautiful hair. When you let it down, it probably reaches your waist, doesn't it?"
The waitress tilted her head to one side, like a bird.
"Nice to meet you, Haruno-san. Now I can see why Hikaru is huffing and puffing in the kitchen like someone stepped on her toes."
She turned to Shikamaru. "She's truly beautiful, Nara-san. I've never seen hair like that before. A nice girl, too. So you finally took the courage to ask her out?"
Shikamaru hummed something unintelligible under his breath.
Sakura felt her face redden. "Uh… from a technical point of view… I think it was me doing the asking, Suzuki-san," she said timidly. She could absolutely imagine this woman scolding her for her unfeminine behaviour.
The waitress clucked her tongue.
"Intelligent, too," she remarked, picking up the tray. She turned to Sakura.
"You realized it would take ages for him to make a move?"
Sakura took a look at the man sitting next to her who was clearly embarrassed now and couldn't help rising to his defense. "He likes to plan things well in advance. I can't see anything wrong with that. Anyway, up to recently I was dating someone else."
"Who?" the waitress asked.
It wasn't as if it was any of her business… but it wasn't a secret either.
"Sasuke Uchiha," Sakura said.
"How long?"
The discussion was starting to look like something straight out of a dream, surreal but interesting.
"Four months," Sakura admitted. She felt no pain and no pride mentioning Sasuke's name. She felt nothing toward him any more.
"Resilient, too," Suzuki-san nodded. She turned to Shikamaru once again. "Keep her, by all means. And drink your tea before it gets cold. No kissing and squeezing and embarrassing the other customers in my teashop, may I remind you. Thanks."
She disappeared through the back door, carrying the empty tray like a trophy. Sakura looked at Shikamaru, half expecting him to be annoyed, or maybe laughing. But Shikamaru was stirring his tea with a faraway look on his face.
"Interesting," he murmured. Then he looked at Sakura and everything was back to normal. "Drink your tea and hurry up or I'll eat your dango, too."
"In your dreams, Shikamaru Nara," Sakura retorted. Sex and dating and love affairs were one thing but sharing her sweets with a man was…
Wait a minute. Love?
Sakura concentrated all her will to banish the only really scary four-letter word from her head.
"And now what?" Shikamaru asked. They left the teashop a minute ago and only stopped in the street for a second so that Sakura could take a look at the dresses in a shopwindow. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and looked at Sakura questioningly. "You don't mind, do you?"
"It's ok," she said. He lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke deeply.
"What, no lecture on how smoking is bad for me?" he asked mockingly.
Sakura shrugged. "I've heard Ino tell you about all the harm it could do a thousand times," she answered truthfully. "You're one of the smartest people I know, you could probably recite her little speech word by word after the first time, not to mention the thousandth. Anyway, you usually only smoke for one of three reasons."
"Namely?" Shikamaru asked, happily puffing away.
"When you're nervous, when you're very happy... and when you want to badger Ino with it," Sakura answered.
"And which option is it now?" Shikamaru asked.
"I think it's the third," Sakura laughed. "Ino isn't here but I imagine that any overworked medic nin would do if need be."
"Well, that's an option, too," Shikamaru nodded. "But I'm surprised that you chose not to say anything."
"I really don't like it," Sakura said slowly. "I mean it's really quite harmful. But Asuma sensei didn't care either... so as long as you're careful and don't smoke too much, it's your choice. We're shinobi, we'll probably die quite soon anyway..."
"No," Shikamaru said sharply. He threw down the cigarette and stepped on it, then turned to Sakura and cupped her face in his hands. "Don't think of it, Sakura. Not now. I'm sorry, it's my fault."
"No," Sakura whispered. It really isn't, she thought. It's just not. He just had this strange way of making her react with an astounding sincerity, telling him her needs and hopes and... yes. Fears.
But it was not his fault. She smiled up at Shikamaru.
"I'd hate it too if every time you saw me eating chocolate you told me how easily I could put on weight and how ugly that would be," she said, trying to amend the situation.
Shikamaru gently brushed her cheeks with his thumbs before he let her go.
"Not to mention that it wouldn't be true," he said. "If anything, I would tell you to eat more chocolate. I'm not that fond of broomsticks. A woman should be... you know. Full in the right places. Curvy. Feminine."
For the first time since morning Sakura felt really awkward. Was he saying that he didn't really find her attractive? Or the opposite?
Shikamaru either sensed the change in her mood or he was thinking, too, but he stopped talking. They started walking again, Shikamaru taking the lead and Sakura returned to her thoughts.
She was never tall and willowy, that's true, but she didn't consider herself curvy and feminine either. Her breasts were too small for that. They weren't awfully small, thank God, but compared to Ino, well… Hinata and Tsunade were even better examples. She would never be like them. She was more angular and muscled and... well, kind of stocky. She had no extra fat on her – no kunoichi would allow that. It meant too much food and lack of training and that could very well result in failed missions. And failed missions often meant death for someone – be it you or your teammates.
But curvy and feminine? That would be someone like Kurenai. Ample bosom, wide hips, narrow waist, long, beautiful, shining hair and a soft, perfect, oval face.
And perfect manners to go with it. Sakura loved Kurenai, she often babysitted for her and she found her charming and sweet – but she couldn't help envying her just a little for her beauty.
No one ever called Kurenai a hag. Or ugly. Or annoying. Or bossy. Or loud.
She didn't have a wide forehead, either.
Shikamaru liked Kurenai, too. He was always there for her. He wasn't much more than seventeen when Asuma's baby girl was born but he behaved like a family friend, a man decades older than his actual age. He moved Kurenai closer to the Nara family, helped her buy clothes and toys, painted the rooms. He held Kurenai's hand when she was giving birth. He was the first to hold the baby after she was born.
He was the one who held Kurenai when she sobbed for Asuma who would never be there to hold them, who would never see their child.
Sakura knew that she would never be someone like Kurenai - as feminine as her or as beautiful or as nice.
If Shikamaru wanted someone like Kurenai, Sakura simply wouldn't fit the bill.
Was he secretly in love with Kurenai?
Sakura tried to push these thoughts away. Shikamaru usually wasn't talkative or open, that's true – but he always kept his word. Sakura was one of the privileged few who actually saw him open up and show his private face. Most people he met everyday would have been astounded to see him joke and smile at her. Most of the time he was the living embodiment of rule 25 – expressionless, emotionless, bored, distant. Temari sometimes called him a crybaby and Shikamaru gave his usual reaction – none.
The general opinion in Konoha was that Temari had a strange sense of humour. Most people would have sooner imagined Ibiki parading around in a Speedo than Shikamaru expressing emotions. But there was still a limit, a difference. Shikamaru was reserved and aloof but he didn't lie. He didn't manipulate people. Most of the time he was contented with the role of the spectator, he only participated if he was explicitly asked to do so or if he felt he needed to.
That led straight to another question that suddenly cropped up in Sakura's mind - why was he acting now in this unusual way with her?
Sakura knew that she was a smart girl. She was also aware of the fact that Shikamaru was even smarter. What's more, she knew that while Shikamaru planned everything in cold blood and his plans usually worked, she was impulsive and emotional. She relied on her instincts.
But right now her instincts didn't seem to be working properly. Last night Shikamaru didn't behave like he usually did and she reacted impulsively. He set things in motion, true. He invited her out for a drink, but that was all. He stopped there. The snowball effect that followed was her own doing. They had sex, yes, and it was very good. He said some very flattering things to her, too. But. There was always the little word 'but' in the back of her mind.
But which man would refuse sex with no strings attached? Not a single, healthy man, that's for sure.
But did that mean that he had feelings for her?
Probably not. They'd been working next to each other in the lab for weeks and he was almost cold to her.
Was she making the same mistake again?
Once she thought that Sasuke loved her – behind the cold exterior he had feelings for her, he felt she was special. It would have been the perfect solution – things never worked out with Lee because she loved him but she wasn't in love with him. He was not the One. Sasuke was.
Then suddenly she was forced to see that she was just daydreaming. He felt nothing.
It was a lasting lesson.
People usually don't change the patterns of their behaviour unless they absolutely have to.
Shikamaru was now behaving in an unusual way – but did that mean that he felt something more than satisfaction?
Sakura had no answer. She only knew that if she thought it carefully over again, it was quite likely that Shikamaru did not change his behaviour patterns. She was simply looking at him in a different situation. His usual partners were ANBU, right? He wouldn't try to play games with them. Those girls would just kick his ass if they found out. He probably behaves like that with every new partner of his, Sakura decided. Nice smiles, kind remarks. No reason to hurt them or be rude to them. Maybe next time he would need them again – it wouldn't do any good to make them angry.
On the other hand, her behaviour patterns were nothing unusual, either. She was like every other woman in the village – she heard her teammates' stories so many times she could recite the moves by heart.
Praise her eyes. Praise her hair. Praise her legs (or her bone structure, if you want to sound sophisticated). Buy her a drink.
She's all yours.
Next day you'll be thinking of your next mission and whether to buy some new kunai.
She'll be thinking about dating and flowers... and maybe love.
Sakura was deeply ashamed. How could she have been so shortsighted, so ridiculously biased to think it meant anything to him? Sure, Shikamaru was taking extra care to be nice to her – of course he was! Ino would just kick his ass if he hurt her! He was probably thinking about how he could let her down without any pain!
It took all her strength to push back the tears. Sakura found years ago that if she gave herself a straight order as if it came from her sensei or from a team captain, the tears would stay where they belonged, safely and invisibly in her eyes. Don't even try to cry, stupid. Don't you dare.
But why was it so important what Shikamaru might be feeling?
There was something here, Sakura thought with growing fear. Shikamaru didn't see anything wrong with the way things turned out. He didn't treat her condescendingly, he wasn't impolite or impatient. He seemed to find the situation completely normal.
In fact, he was a perfect gentleman, not only in his manners but in the way he handled the whole situation.
Sakura tried to remember something, anything about rumours on Shikamaru's partners. She came up with absolutely nothing. Shikamaru wasn't extroverted like Naruto – Shikamaru resembled Sasuke, if anyone. He never shared information if he could avoid it, never pried into other people's affairs unnecessarily, and was discreet to the point of obsession.
He was not the type to kiss and tell.
She was free to go if she wanted to, and Shikamaru made it clear that they would stay friends. She had nothing to lose.
Sakura considered her own growing uneasiness. Yes, there was definitely something here that she still needed to think about.
Yesterday everything seemed easy. It was something she wanted to try, just out of curiosity. But this morning... there was the yukata. The way he made breakfast for her. The way he could change her mood with a laugh, with a remark. He knew how to handle women, that was for sure.
Oh, the shampoo. The towels, too!
Sakura gave a tiny nod, completely forgetting for a moment that she wasn't alone. He was brilliant, she had to concede that.
Only a man who 'entertained' a lot would give a thought to these things – how women and men used completely different brands of shampoo and soap, and how it was a dead giveaway if a girl went to work smelling of one of those mossy or lemony things that shops love to advertise as 'a deeply masculine brand'. A woman could just as well wear a sign around her neck – 'wild night with a random guy' – because if it had been something mutual, something planned, she would have taken her own things with her. Oh hell.
Double hell, now that she thought of it. She used his shampoo and soap without thinking. It was because it was his smell, his possessions, the objects he touched every day. She should have chosen the other brand.
And the towels! "Take as many as you want."
Most men don't even know, much less care that a woman would need at least two towels, one for her body and one for her hair, but if she has long hair, it might take even more, and if she has make-up to get rid of...
All his gestures betrayed nothing but gentleness toward her and a deep understanding of the female psyche. That, that was the problem! He was too smooth, too refined – his gestures were meant to appease her, ease her fears. It was like a shogi game – he foresaw not only all her moves, but all the underlying motives, too. She stood naked in front of him – naked not only in body, but in soul and mind while he kept his distance.
She was in his power and he was still a free agent, aloof, distant, cool as usual.
Sakura didn't like that. Not a bit. It was Sasuke all over again. Hell, it was Sasuke with a double turbo. He had all the winning cards and she had fuck all.
And Sakura desperately wanted him to feel more. She didn't want to be a common one-night-stand, a passing moment in his life. She wanted more. But Shikamaru never offered anything more. He'd never promised her anything. He asked her out once, because she asked him to, had sex with her because she asked him to, and now he was spending time with her simply because he felt like it.
That was why it was not Shikamaru's fault. It was her problem and hers alone.
It was impossible to tell what his deeper emotions were – but why should he have any?
That was not part of the deal.
There was no way she could change that.
She felt a strange calm, not unlike the feeling she usually had on missions in the middle of action. There was nothing she could do. She should have waited and measured the possible outcomes, she should have thought it over instead of throwing herself headlong into the unknown. Now it was too late.
She might as well enjoy it as long as it lasted.
She should try to play it cool for a while, though, she thought. Shikamaru had done nothing wrong, it would be unfair to burden him with further expectations. Expectations were a burden on a person, right? He said that himself, right? The least she could do was act like an adult and not like a greedy, pushy, immature child. She would never look at ANBU girls the same way again, Sakura thought bitterly. But enough of that - she still had this day.
Tomorrow might never arrive anyway. She was born just after the last ninja war ended, but in her lifetime she already survived several invasions and death was now more a passing acquintance than a stranger. Carpe diem and all that jazz.
She was greedy, that was the problem. It will be so strange to return to her everyday life, to her missions with her team, knowing that Shikamaru is around somewhere, living his usual life.
She flashed a smile at her companion to make up for her long silence.
"Where are we going, anyway? I don't want to be a spoilsport but it seems to me that we're slowly leaving the village. You want to spar or what? Because if so, you should have told me, I would have eaten less."
"I hope you don't think I'm a moron enough to try and spar with you just after we've eaten," Shikamaru said with a smirk. "You'd wipe the floor with me if only just to prove you still could."
Sakura smiled. Shikamaru was well aware of her strength, just as she was aware of his skills and the fact that the match would be far from easy.
"I don't think you were hand-picked for ANBU only because of your intelligence so skip the false humility, will you? And you haven't given me an answer. Where are we going?" she asked again.
Shikamaru sighed.
"It's a surprise. I could tell you but..."
"...then you'd have to kill me or what?" Sakura said with a snort.
"No. I just wanted to say that then it wouldn't be a surprise, of course," Shikamaru said slowly. "But if you..."
"No," Sakura interrupted him hurriedly. "If it's a surprise, I don't want to spoil it."
Shikamaru smiled. "We're almost there. Just you wait."
The way he said it made Sakura's heart suddenly go faster.
They left the big apartment buildings, then the smaller houses and arrived at the part of the village where some of the big family compounds were situated. The Hyuuga and the Uchiha household were both in another part of the town, but both the Inuzuka and the Nara houses and grounds were nearby. The Yamanakas' shop wasn't far either, but it was not in this direction.
Was he taking her to his family's house?
Sakura's heart was beating a steady rhythm as fast as if she were running.
Maybe he just wanted to pick something up from his father's house.
Still, she couldn't quite get rid of that image that came out of nowhere – Shikamaru taking her home to his parents, telling them...
Telling them what? 'Oh, mom, dad, Sakura and I had great sex last night, and then she wanted me to date her and I had to agree so that she wouldn't beat me to a pulp, isn't that fantastic?'
Well, so much about that, Sakura thought.
"You seem to speak a lot less than usual," Shikamaru said suddenly. "Am I that boring a companion?"
"Now where did that come from?" Sakura asked with a frown. Really, Shikamaru had the most interesting ideas and most of the time it was impossible to tell if he was joking. Maybe he was just making fun of her. "Does that mean that usually I speak so much that you don't have to talk at all?"
Sasuke said something like that once, Sakura thought. He said that living with her would be like living in a beehive - constant buzzing and an occasional sting thrown in for good measure.
His remark didn't upset her – he said it in such a way that made it clear that it was a joke, and it was long before they began dating. She was happy that he was slowly getting out of his shell, that he started to behave like any other human being and made a joke. Even if it wasn't a very good joke.
"You think of him all the time, don't you?" Shikamaru asked casually.
Sakura looked at him but he was gazing at the sky, his expression calm and distant as usual.
"Not all the time, no. But quite often," Sakura admitted. "The situation is rather... complicated. I can't just say that it was all his fault and get over it. If something goes wrong in a relationship, usually both parties are at fault. I have to find out what exactly went wrong between us and then find out to what extent I am the one to blame. I really wanted this to work and I was sure that I wanted it for his sake just as much as mine – but I made a mistake somewhere. A miscalculation, if you please."
"Sakura, relationships are not based on logic. You should be aware of that by now."
"Yes, I know," Sakura sighed. She stopped and looked at the sky, too. "But tell me this – if logic has nothing to do with it, then whether you think it's hormones or pheromones or memories of bonding with your parents or whatever, basically you're saying it's fate and there's nothing to be done, right? It's fate and we have no control over it, not in the slightest. If you're lucky you find a person you can fall in love with and if you're very lucky they even love you back... but after that it's just fate."
"I think that's basically true, Sakura," Shikamaru said. He turned to Sakura, his face serious. "You just have to accept that there are some aspects of your life that you have no control over. It's like death. One makes plans, one tries to play it safe, but in the end we all die. All of us. We don't know when, we don't know how. We have no control over this. All we can do is enjoy life while we can."
"Are you saying that love is as inevitable as death? Is that what you're saying?" Sakura asked, interested against herself.
Shikamaru rubbed his nose with his thumb. There was something boyish about him, something shy.
"Yes," he said finally. "I think love is exactly like that. Except that some people would rather close their eyes and close their hearts so that love wouldn't find them. But I don't think that's possible, you know. Contrary to the popular belief, love does not conquer all. Love is not omnipotent. But it is omnipresent. Does it make any sense to you what I'm saying?"
"Yes, yes it does," Sakura said slowly. She took a deep breath and asked the question that had been lingering in her mind for a time. "But how can you apply your theory to Sasuke?"
"To you and Sasuke, you mean," Shikamaru corrected her quietly. "I think yours is a pretty common case, in fact."
Sakura looked at him. "You mean chasing a boy who never cared about me and in the end he proved this in the most obvious way?"
Shikamaru wrinkled his nose. "No," he said. "I meant that there are people who want to avoid love at all costs and there are others who want to be in love. That's the majority of people, in fact. So sometimes people who have nothing else in common but the desire to experience this feeling find each other. They are not in love with each other as they are. They are in love with their own idea of being loved. Fairly common, as I said."
His tone made it clear that as far as he was concerned this subject was finished.
Sakura watched his profile, the glint of sunshine on his earring, his hair. She was burning with curiosity – did it ever happen to Shikamaru, too? Was Temari just a daydream?
No, she couldn't ask that, Sakura decided. It had nothing to do with her problem anyway. Deep inside she always knew that there was something wrong with Sasuke. Shikamaru was right, she got a chance to prove that she and Sasuke really belonged to each other, and while at thirteen what they had between them could have been real and alive, by now it had become a faded memory that they'd both held on to for far too long. But there was real feeling in the few words that Shikamaru said about Temari, a feeling of deep sadness and... longing? Maybe he still wanted her back.
Oh, I'm ridiculous, Sakura thought suddenly. I pair him off with everyone I can think of. First Kurenai, now Temari. Next it will be Ino. Or Tenten. Or Tsunade-sama.
She found it difficult not to smile. Her mind automatically began to shift pros and cons. They spent a lot of time together, didn't they? And shishou, thanks to her anti-ageing jutsu, still looked young and beautiful. And Shikamaru wasn't a boy any more, he was a young man. Oh, there might be something more to those late night discussions about strategy than anyone supposed... Wild sex in the Hokage's office, huh? Maybe that desk wasn't as hard as it looked. Maybe it wasn't just sake that made her shishou complain about lack of sleep in the morning.
She had to suppress a giggle.
"What's so funny?" Shikamaru enquired.
Sakura looked at him guiltily and didn't answer.