They were walking by a shop selling shinobi equipment (Highly Specialized Items. Special Orders Accepted. Suppliers to the Interrogation Department of Konoha) when Sakura suddenly seemed to wake up. The last few hours were like living in a daydream – nothing but the wind, the sun and the earth, and only the two of them, alone and secluded, the only two people on a desert island.
Now, however, reality began to reassert itself.
"Uh, Shikamaru," she began tentatively. "Uh... I..."
"Yes?" Shikamaru asked.
"Are you sure nobody saw us?" Sakura said. Now that they were here on one of the busiest streets of Konoha, it seemed complete madness that just half an hour ago they were making love and running around naked about a mile from here.
Shikamaru seemed to know exactly what she meant.
"I told you, only my clan..."
"Yes, my point exactly," Sakura said, brooding. "Any member of your family could have gone there when we were... uh..."
"No," Shikamaru said curtly. "The gate registers handprints. My clan members would have known that I was there and would have made precautions not to bother me except in an emergency. And if there was an emergency, we would have noticed. You're not on call until our work in the lab is finished, and I'm on leave from my regular position, but I still think that no matter how busy we were with each other, we would have seen if the village was burning to ashes or something."
He's got it all worked out, Sakura thought. It should have made her feel protected but instead she felt unsure. Of what or how, she would have been unable to tell.
Shikamaru wasn't holding her hand and didn't offer his arm again either once they were back in the village. It was as if the whole thing had never happened in the first place.
"Did you ever take others there? I mean, other girls?" she blurted out before she had time to think it over.
Shikamaru looked at her.
"No," he said coldly. "I told you, it's my special place."
Sakura didn't know what to say. Her instincts all said that something was amiss but she had no idea what.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean that you... I didn't mean to offend you, I..."
"I'm not offended," Shikamaru said, somewhat mollified. He was walking in his usual way, watching the clouds instead of the street. The odds were, Sakura thought, that he should have collided with a biggish object by now and flattened his nose completely, but instead he was just ambling along peacefully and without any trouble.
Maybe his shadows were like a cat's whiskers, and as they were spreading around him unnoticed, almost invisible, they were telling him where to go and what to avoid.
Sakura risked a short glance to Shikamaru's face. She could have stared at him all she liked, because he seemed to be deeply in thought, his brow furrowed, his mouth pursed, hands in his pockets.
He did not seem happy, to say the least.
She turned to Shikamaru, trying to break the silence. "What would you like to eat?"
He shrugged, still not looking at Sakura. "It doesn't matter. Anything will do."
She stared straight ahead, looking at everything and anything in sight so as not to show her disappointment. It wasn't that she expected him to be all over her, but compared to this morning, he was now unemotional, reserved. It wasn't just her imagination. Maybe there was something important on his mind.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked.
Shikamaru didn't even look at her. "Wouldn't you like to know," he said evasively.
It was like being allowed to look into a house that seemed all inviting and warm from the outside, just to have the door shut with a bang in your face when you're finally standing on the threshold.
Her heart gave a sudden, painful leap.
Well, Sakura thought, if she wanted to extend this simile any further, Sasuke, on the other hand, was like the whole Uchiha compound. Majestic in its ruins, but very little warmth, and the only light there just one candle among the ghosts that will never leave.
But what does it matter if you're never invited in either way? You could just spare yourself the effort.
Sakura knew very well that was why she could never find it in herself to be too enthusiastic over anything once she was over fourteen. She did not want to cry over a photograph again. Not ever. It was simple, Sakura thought. She learned that a situation like that was to be avoided at all costs. It didn't matter what it was that she wanted – a book, a box of chocolate, a new apartment, love everlasting. Wanting anything too much was dangerous. Desire without fulfilment brought suffering. It was a situation which could be described like a mathematical process: the numbers would add up in such a way that she would get nothing out of the equation. The only thing in her life where she could be sure that her time or efforts would never be wasted was her work. It wasn't difficult, really. You read a book and you learn what's in it. You learn a new skill, you know how to do it. You work harder, you save more lives, heal more people, you make the world a better place for everyone.
She wished men were that simple.
They ate some tempura at one of the booths on the way. Sakura paid without thinking for both of them. It only seemed fair.
Her appetite seemed to have gone since they left the meadow behind but it was wiser to eat now and try not to show that anything was different, she concluded.
That damn radio bellowing on a shelf in the booth wasn't making her life any easier. The singer and his soft voice was reminding everyone that love isn't always bliss.
If you don't love me - lie to me
'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe...
Lies. Deception. Games.
She was so, so fed up with everything that had to do with lies. Why did Sasuke have to cheat on her? Why? If he just said 'it's no good, Sakura, let's just finish this, it's no use', she would have cried, that was certain, but she would never have had this awful feeling of being stabbed in the back by her own teammate.
And the best thing was, after all this Sasuke was still her teammate with all that entailed. They still had to work together as a team.
When they started dating, Kakashi asked her if she wanted Sasuke to be placed in another team. She said no and thought no – in retrospection she still thought it would have been madness. She was usually working in the hospital anyway, and the teams now were much more flexible since they became adults, so it didn't matter if Yamato or Sai replaced her as it often happened. They were still one team. More often than not her friends, the Rookie-nine-that-used-to-be still worked together from time to time, but since their original teams all lost and gained members, change and temporary replacement wasn't such a big deal for most of them.
Sasuke, on the other hand, was never sociable or outgoing, and taking away from him the only people whom he was still more or less comfortable around would have been a crazy idea.
She wasn't sure even then how Sasuke felt about her, whether he really loved her, but putting him in another team because of her without Naruto and Kakashi and possibly with people who thought he should have 'traitor' tattooed on his forehead... no, the very idea didn't bear thinking about.
The problem was, now the same arrangement left them painfully trying to find a common ground as teammates and forget everything else, and it wasn't easy, especially because Sasuke was not making any effort. She was left holding the bucket, as usual.
Kakashi must have seen it all in advance, Sakura mused. He wanted to protect her in his way. Unfortunately, thanks to her stubbornness and overdeveloped sense of responsibility, she refused his help and now it was too late.
She looked up. Shikamaru was watching her, his eyes narrow, suspicious. He looked every bit this handsome but dangerous stranger again, but instead of wariness she felt fear and lust mingling in equal amounts.
It was strange and exciting.
Oh God. Not again.
After several dates and two relationships she recognized some basic characteristics in herself and came to terms with her own nature but that did not make it that much easier to accept it.
She learned early that most women saw themselves as prey. They were the innocent victims, the little lambs, the gentle sex to be protected and cherished.
The men were the hunters, the predators. Strong, brave, aggressive, active.
It took Sakura years to understand that she, on the other hand, had a bit of both. She was both the hunter and the hunted, the predator and the prey.
That was one of the reasons why she was uncomfortable with Lee who always thought in set stereotypes and was completely blind to anything that he couldn't fit into his categories. She was the fair maiden and he was the knight. Period. The fact that she could smash him with one hand did not come into play. Sasuke, on the other hand, in a strange way accepted her strength quite easily and respected her more for it. The best part of their relationship was that they could train whenever they wanted to, Sakura thought. He liked her strength, but that didn't mean he wanted to let her win and that was good. She didn't want a limp rag for a boyfriend.
Shikamaru had this same dual nature that she and Sasuke had. Sometimes he was the hunter and sometimes he was the prey. Sometimes he was aggressive and made her surrender (she just had to think back how he held her down on his bed, in his bedroom and made her come again and again with his mouth and his fingers and his cock, oh God...) and sometimes he became moody and withdrawn, like now... which... oh hell, it made her want to hunt him down and throw him on the floor and do all kinds of wicked things to him. She wanted to know all his secrets, she wanted to be in his dreams and she wanted to conquer him.
He was like a beautifully carved box which had to be opened in a certain way but it could be opened. And inside... what?
Her throat contracted so much that swallowing was almost painful. She finished eating and threw the greasy paper napkin with the rest of the food into the garbage can.
Shikamaru was not hers, not even as much as Sasuke had been. Shikamaru slept around a lot, he admitted it himself. For all his strength and courage and strange sweetness, he was not the man for her.
They started walking again in silence. Sakura was lost in her thoughts and when she suddenly looked up, she saw two girls, two kunoichi looking away from her, fast. She didn't know them. One of them whispered something to the other. She could only hear 'Uchiha' and then 'Nara' and then something that suspiciously sounded like 'rebound'. Sasuke cheating on her then breaking up with her was still news.
Just like it would be news tomorrow that today she was hanging out with Shikamaru and then dropped like a hot potato.
She had no idea what Shikamaru was thinking about but she remembered all that went through her head before, and there seemed to be only one conclusion – this thing between them, whatever it was, would not go any further. In the evening he would take her out, then he would smile and say good-bye, and on Monday they would be just two colleagues in the lab again, and when that brief stint of working together ends, he'll go back to whatever he'd been doing before. Maybe back to ANBU. He had all the skills to be a squad leader.
When she heard a child's voice calling her name, it wasn't just politeness that made her smile. She liked children, yes, but what she felt now was mostly relief.
She stopped and greeted the little girl and her mother. She was the medic who had healed her broken arm a few months ago and now the girl wanted to boast a little that she was even stronger than before the accident. Sakura smiled again and stroked her soft little face. She was such a cute little girl, really. When the child thrust her hand out to show her the doll and said 'her name is Sakura and mommy and I dyed her hair to be like yours and I'm gonna be a med nin when I grow up', she felt touched. This lab work was nice and pleasant, strictly nine-to-five, no double shifts, no weekend assignments, and if she didn't feel like doing overtime, she never had to, but she missed healing patients. She was more a people person than a lab work person.
Shikamaru was standing a few steps away from them, his brow furrowed. Sakura had no idea what might be on his mind that was troubling him so but she wasn't going to ask again. Maybe it was something about the little girl? But Shikamaru had no problem with children, she knew that. Sakura herself saw several times how Kurenai's daughter shrieked with pleasure and threw herself at 'uncle Shika' when he visited them, and Shikamaru never seemed to mind.
Damn Temari. She would have been good enough for his family. They would have let him marry her and he could have children, Sakura thought absentmindedly. It would be such a waste if he didn't get to have kids. He would be such a wonderful father.
She blushed when she caught herself thinking about Shikamaru and children in the same sentence. Really, the things one's mind ran to...
The girl started to tug at Sakura's shirt so she squatted down and got a hug and a kiss in exchange while they said goodbye. The mother thanked her again, then they left to finish their shopping. The girl was holding the doll in her arms like something cherished, like a real baby.
When she stood up, she saw that in the meantime Shikamaru found himself some company, too. There was a pretty woman in a miniskirt standing next to him, her hand on his arm. As Sakura watched, the woman threw her head back and laughed, her long, black hair following her movement like a dark cloud.
The other woman standing close to both of them was a redhead, also very pretty, her hair short and spiky, her shoulders and midriff bare. Both women were beautifully groomed, perfect hair and full make-up, painted nails, high-heeled shoes.
Sakura could only hope that she had no grass in her hair and no manure on her shoes. She felt she could count every crease in her shirt, every spot of mud on her shorts and skirt.
The dark-haired woman felt Sakura's eyes on her. She looked back, then said something to her friend in a low voice. They both laughed.
Shikamaru's face was perfectly calm and empty, his eyes reflected no emotion.
For a moment Sakura felt deeply humiliated and she just couldn't tell why.
A family man, yeah. Just the thing. Congratulations, Sakura. Scored a bull's eye again, didn't you? Just look at him! Or rather, look at those bitches!
She wasn't into casual sex but that didn't mean that she was completely innocent. The easy, familiar way they flirted with him, both of them, standing close, touching him casually – Sakura was sure that they... that they were too... they had been...
She reacted instinctively. Do something, she thought with a distant, cold clarity. I'm talking to you, bitch. Don't you dare disappear when I need you.
She felt Inner waking up and taking charge. She knew what anybody else would see now, and also what they wouldn't. Her face hardened, taking up a noncommittal, neutral expression. Her skin felt cold. It was a very useful device, this, pulling back into herself, seeing herself only from a distance, laughing at anyone stupid enough to hurt her, to insult her, to beat her.
She wasn't there. She was a husk, a shell, an armour, her emotions, her private thoughts safely tucked away in a tiny part of her brain. The rest was all logic, all cold, relentless, impersonal power to survive, to escape and, if necessary, to fight.
She saw Shikamaru turn to the woman and shake his head and she turned away. She was perfectly calm now. It wasn't any of her business.
Shikamaru joined her a moment later.
"Sorry," Shikamaru murmured. "Just some girls I know."
"No problem," Sakura said indifferently.
They started walking again. She picked out details faster now. When she saw a tall figure walking toward them - there was a strong family resemblance, the long blond hair, the familiar face - , she identified him as Ino's father before they were close enough to greet each other.
Inoichi nodded to both of them, then he said to Shikamaru, "My daughter would like to talk to you."
"Is she in the shop? I might just drop in right now," Shikamaru said in a bored voice.
Inoichi's eyes darted to Sakura, fast, then back to Shikamaru.
If Sakura weren't already in fight mode, she probably would have missed it. It was just a fleeting look.
When she was like this, hypotheses were meaningless to her. She planned and she reacted but she had no patience left for anything that wasn't closely connected to the present minute. Any other time she would have begun to shift ideas, trying to find out what Inoichi would be thinking about and what Ino might know, but right now she was looking at the world in black and white and it was much simpler this way.
They both nodded to Inoichi, Shikamaru adding something about the weather and then Inoichi walked on and they turned into one of the side streets that led straight to the Yamanaka flowershop.
"Have I done anything wrong?" Shikamaru asked hesitantly.
Sakura's answer was automatic. "No."
"Then what's wrong?"
Sakura turned her cold eyes to Shikamaru.
"Why would anything be wrong?" she asked.
Shikamaru had no answer to that.
She knew that he was watching her but she was safe. She was inside and Inner with her strange little smile was floating on the surface and he couldn't get in to hurt her.
Shikamaru opened the door and the small bell over the door started ringing. Sakura usually liked this shop, she used to spend a lot of time in here with Ino, talking about flowers and make-up and failed missions and stupid men, but right now she was only tired and edgy and all she wanted to do was to go home and sleep.
Tsunade-sama was right. She was always right. Who needs men? Sake is much better.
She lingered a second longer next to the entrance, carefully dampening her chakra. Flowers didn't like sudden chakra flares and when she was in a state like this, she had to be careful not to break anything she didn't intend to break.
The radio was on here, too, and Ino seemed to be listening to the Weekend of Love Songs, just like everyone else in Konoha.
The singer's voice was full of longing and pain.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do...
Ino wasn't anywhere to be seen so Shikamaru went straight to the back room.
Sakura heard his lazy drawl. "Yare yare. What's so important that you'd send a message with your dad just to talk to me? Anyway, what…"
Crack.
Silence.
That was a slap if I ever heard one, Inner said. Care and treatment of male teammates, volume one.
Sakura stood, unsure, hesitating. If Ino had some kind of serious issue with Shikamaru, they were best left alone.
On the other hand, Ino vs. Shikamaru beats any kind of spectator sport in my opinion,Inner quipped in.
Sakura turned on her heels to get out when she heard her own name and froze in her place.
"What's this about you and Sakura? Are you completely out of your mind or is it just a temporary blackout?"
Ino seemed to be at her snappiest and most bitchlike.
Shikamaru didn't answer or maybe he just had no time as Ino already launched into a long tirade. Sakura knew from long experience that when Ino decided to give a piece of her mind the person on the receiving end could do very little to interfere.
"Are you crazy? No, I shouldn't even ask that. You were this close to a nervous breakdown when you left ANBU but I never thought you would try to pull off something like this! What are you doing to Sakura? What? God only knows I love that girl but she's a worrywart if I ever saw one. If you wanted a friend with benefits couldn't you have found someone less messed up? What did Ibiki think for God's sake, placing you in the seduction squad? You're going through the female population of Konoha like a hot knife through butter! Did you tell Sakura about your little habits of picking up your daily menu at bars? No? Well, I have an idea why! And she would be just as bad for you! She doubts everything forwards, backwards and sideways, she'd smash to pieces what's still left of you in about one day!"
Shikamaru's answer was a short, angry bark.
"Ino, just shut up! Shut up!"
Sakura felt her skin going cold and clammy. Ino's opinion about her wasn't that much of a surprise. Ino wasn't a two-timing kind of friend. She would tell you the worst about yourself and if you couldn't take it, too bad. You could rant back or slap her and she would reply in kind but then again she didn't hold grudges, either. But these hints about Ibiki and the seduction squad… God. What was going on here?
The seduction squad wasn't as secret as it could have been, simply because most people in town who had any ideas about spying or infiltration were able to figure out that if all the other villages had special squads like that, then Konoha must have one too. The existence of the team in itself was a well-known fact, but the persons and the methods… oh, that was a different thing altogether.
Sakura found herself full of curiosity for just one second, wondering if Shikamaru would be allowed to tell about any special practices that had to do with chakra control and could be used for healing, then the horrendousness of the whole thing hit her like a brick.
Being on the seduction squad was not a synonym for just sleeping around and getting information. Seduction was a trap and only used in very important cases.
Like assassination. Like abduction. Like interrogation.
Those who were in the seduction squad learned to lie with their bodies just as well as they learned to lie with words. Sex meant nothing to them and romantic notions were a laugh. Sakura suspected that Kakashi had, at one time, been in one of those squads, and she could see how it left him crippled for life, burning out all his emotions, all his need for love and intimacy, leaving only blind loyalty to Konoha on the one hand and some baser needs on the other, and very little of anything else between.
Shikamaru never said anything about something like this. He couldn't, of course. But did that change anything, really? Did it matter?
No wonder he was so surprised when she said she wanted him to date her. Next time she could maybe ask him to a kiddie matinee on a Sunday afternoon.
She wanted to leave but her feet carried her in the opposite direction, to the door of the back room. Just to see him one more time. Then she would leave.
She saw them in profile, a blonde woman, just as beautiful as always, gesticulating with a bunch of wire in one hand and a small basket in the other, and a tall, dark, handsome man, his face full of anger and bitterness. Then the woman looked up and saw Sakura in the doorway. She stopped midsentence and her face changed colour and she wasn't beautiful at all.
Sakura turned abruptly and ran toward the door.