Title: Crock Pot
Description: "Sylvanas gets called out. Over a crock pot."
Notes1: I miss writing Kael'thas. He's kind of that one character I go to if I want to mock the way people make a big issue on whatever's currently trending, but mostly about the latest food craze. In this case, I heard about the fiasco that exploded on Twitter in regards to last week's This Is Us episode regarding crock pots. I don't watch the show (Mom Phoenix does, though), but I read enough info to decide that, yeah, I need to blast the reaction of people tossing their crock pots out as a reaction to how the episode how. I don't know if any of you fellow readers watch it, but just as a precaution that someone does there are spoilers for that episode here.
Notes2: My take on crock pots: they're pretty cool. Part of the positive note the Heroes have on them is based on my experiences of taste-testing the few dishes Dad Phoenix has made with them: pig feet, menudo (which is incredibly greasy to the point where, for me, it has almost no taste), lamp chops (very tender), cow tongue (pretty tough to chew but surprisingly not bad), and vegetable beef stew (I'm more of a creamy soup person). About a couple weeks ago, we discovered another, smaller crock pot from twenty years back that's still in relatively good condition, and we've been using that to make chicken soup with chicken bouillons and garlic powder. I like to drink a couple cups of broth since it's pretty good for you for when you have a cold (and this year, so far, Dad Phoenix and I have dodged bullets while Mom and Bro Phoenix got careless with bundling up and caught colds). There were two other crock pots from before, but both times Dad Phoenix ended up shattering both by mistake, so last Xmas I got him a third one AND a two-year product care plan. As Illidan would say: I came prepared. Aces high.
Notes3: It's pretty jarring when you take into account that everyone from Warcraft/Diablo/Starcraft are imaginary and D. Va is a competitive Starcraft player in Overwatch...and for her to be drawn into the Nexus, she suddenly realizes all these pixels and polygons do exist outside of what she knows. Just imagine what it'd be like if Jack Pearson - anyone, really - were to be summoned and find out you have untold trillions of people across the Nexian realms sitting down at night to watch a TV show you exist in but not in the reality that you currently inhabit (and your fate may or may not come to pass!). This is something Riftwalkers experience somewhat, and while it won't come into play here (they're pretty much background characters doing their thing, as far as the cast goes) it's been a prompt idea I want to touch on eventually, but with Sylvanas putting up with the Starcraft Heroes reacting to D. Va's mind getting blown.
Notes4: I know nothing of Azur Lane other than what I've seen on Danbooru, but I've always entertained the idea of trying my hand at KanColle. I remember I wanted to write a fic crossing over it and Madoka Magic in regards to the - what was it, the fifth episode in the former's anime? - and a hostage situation going on in the Middle East during that time. However, I thought it would've been too controversial (fearing I'd be banned for it) and didn't go through with publishing it, though I still have it backed up somewhere on a USB drive. Also, regardless of what Sylvanas thinks and the general cynicism that's almost apropos to navigating it, I love the craziness at 4chan. I'm an avid lurker on /v/ and /a/. I'm not sure what their stance on fanfiction is, though, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was considered a guilty pleasure among some.
Notes5: This was written over the span of two days, so a couple things were cut out. One was Chromie making a silly comment about Dreadlord!Jaina toward the end (you'll know it when you see it). Another was going to be Kael'thas complaining about how men are usually seen as a punching bag for women in visual media to generate laughs. Now I do try to avoid putting too much of my thoughts out there - I want to say unbiased, but that's not true when everything is biased, no matter how safely you play it - but with a keen eye you've already got an idea of how I view political things, like BLM and the concept of "alternative facts" and "fake news". With KT's comment, it would be how men are seen as bumbling oafs or act stupid to where the women are given the spotlight and are the opposite: they're smart and solve problems for the men. You don't seem them get the receiving end of the shtick as often, and I was always perturbed by the idea that men are made out to be utter morons. It wasn't written as part of the rough draft, since I felt it would have majorly detracted from the premise of the chapter (KT throwing a fit over Sylvanas using a crock pot). On one hand, I feel like it should be reserved for the "Sylvanas and the gang get turned into kids and tackle gender politics" prompt idea, since KT gets lumped into it. On the other hand, I feel like it's going to be made into a chapter down the line because, as Kael'thas would have further commented, if men are going to be treated like idiots in media (and thus have it bleed over into the Nexus), then women should receive the same treatment, screw discrimination and sexism. Everyone's a mad bastard, so why should stereotyped ideas wreak havoc?

I don't know. I think about some weird things at night. I think me hearing through the work grapevine about the Grammy's being too political this year might have something to do with it (and I won't drag the notes on any more than they are; we'll save that tidbit for another time).

"Sylvanas!" Kael'thas cried, as he stepped into the kitchen. "What in the Sunwell do you think you're doing?!"

Everyone—being Jaina on one side of the table, Li Li at the other, Hammer and Chromie at the kotatsu (whose body was all but dwarfed by the blanket), and Sylvanas standing at the counter—stopped what they were doing and turned as one to look at him. There was a variety of expressions: surprise by Jaina (and oh! Kael thought her wide eyes made her look so pretty and innocent); curiosity from Li Li; the tried and true 'oh boy here we go' roll of the eyes from Hammer; and blissful mischief from the way Chromie peered at him from over the rim of her ceramic mug.

Only Sylvanas had the balls to look him as though he wasn't heir-apparent of Quel'Thalas but a dead fish left to float belly-up in its tank. "Cooking?" she said, stirring the ladle once more.

"With a murder weapon?!" Kael'thas pointed an accusatory finger at the object in question. It was a standard crock pot, Whithershin brand, five quart. It cost eighty gold—one-twenty, if one wished to include a two-year product care plan with their transaction. They were from the 38,000's.

Sylvanas shrugged. "No, but we can make it into one, if you want. I hear hot soup does wonders for your skin." She scooped up some broth, which smelled of chicken bouillons and garlic powder, into the ladle and gestured it to him. "Want some?"

Kael'thas sneered at it. "How do I know you didn't poison it?"

'How do you know Jaina didn't already die from it? She could be trying to develop an iron stomach." Jaina leveled her with an exasperated glare.

He whirled on her, panic-stricken. "Jaina! You didn't—?"

"I'm fine, Kael'thas. Don't listen to her," she said. "But you should try some broth."

"Yeah, it's really good!" said Li Li, and raised her cup toward him.

"You think beer makes you manly? Pfft, please!" said Chromie. "This right here? You're an elf, so it'll take the hair off your chest and put it all on that glorious head of yours! Maybelline's got beat!"

"Don't fill his head with nonsense," Sylvanas growled. "It's swollen enough as it is." Now it was Kael's turn to look affronted.

"Get it while it's hot, man!" said Hammer. "This stuff's like stuffing your soul back into your body. It's that damn good!"

"That sounds awful!" said Kael'thas.

"Dude, that's, like, the total opposite. Don't tell me you never wanted to climb back into your own body while your soul's drifting through the aether on the battlefield before."

"I—!" Kael'thas began, one hand raised, only to stop short and deflate. "Actually…I haven't thought of that."

"Of course you wouldn't," Sylvanas grumbled under her breath. "No one wants to go back in their bodies at the onset because of all the pain. Do you want to wake up feeling like you were just set on fire?" She took a cup from the rack in the sink next to her, saw it was dry, and began ladling broth into it.

Kael'thas made a face that would make a sinkhole want to curl up in a corner and wait for something bigger than itself to swallow it. "On second thought…I'd rather not. B-But you're still cooking with a dangerous weapon, Sylvanas!" he spluttered. "You don't know what that thing's capable of!"

"What did the crock pot ever do to ya?" Hammer asked.

"It killed Jack Pearson!"

Jaina raised a brow. "Jack Pearson? You mean…?"

"Oh!" Li Li exclaimed. "Oh, you mean that Jack Pearson. From that one show on TV. Wasn't that on the other night?"

"Yes, him! And yes, it was! That thing went haywire and burned his house down, taking him with it!" Kael'thas glared at the bubbling crock pot. "It's a ticking bomb, and with Sylvanas at the helm it's only a matter of time before this place goes sky high!"

"Cry me a river and swim across it," said Sylvanas. "You'll be wasting my time building a bridge."

"In the show's defense, the crock pot was twenty years old and had a faulty switch. Jack didn't know," said Li Li.

"Didn't he also not having batteries in his smoke alarm?" asked Hammer.

"Pretty much."

"He also just so happened to conveniently place a rag—a flammable object—next to it," said Sylvanas. "How stupid can you be?"

"Sylvanas, he didn't know," said Jaina. "They had problems with their electricity, too."

"Their goddamn friend told them it was faulty and they had to mess around with the switch. It's his fault he was being careless and treating it like any normal crock pot instead of something that had to be treated with caution."

"You just have a negative answer for everything, don't you?"

"I, too, would want to die if my surname was Pearson. Son of Pear? A Viking wouldn't want to spread his fame and glory if that was his father's name. And since when did speaking common sense become negative?"

"You have a problem with Pearson but not Windrunner?!" Kael'thas cried.

"I have no such qualms with bearing the name of Windrunner," she told him, giving him a flat stare. "My family is proud to run with the wind and become one with it as we see fit. Why anyone would want to go strutting around with a name like Sunstrider is beyond me. You can't walk on the sun. You can't even look at it without going blind or having special glasses on. And the last time someone tried to fly to it, his wings burned off and he plunged into the sea. A wet dog would look better than you. Oh, here's your cup." She placed it on the stovetop where he could reach it.

"How dare you insult me!...and the dog, too! Just because we smell bad doesn't mean it won't go away over time! Once we dry off, all the shampoo and conditioner we apply ourselves will kick in and make our hair full and shiny! Like a lion's!"

"Oh, so that's where you guys got your name from!" said Hammer. "You were born fabulous!" Chromie tipped her back, roaring laughter. Li Li grinned.

Kael'thas blushed. "Th-That we are! But we are more than just that—we are leaders! Liberators! Academics of the highest, scholarly order! We are transcendentalists above the savage paganism of Kal'dorei society, which tried to curb us from adhering to the laws and wonders of the arcane! Those that followed us across the dreadful oceans of the world were given liberty! Private property!" He swelled his chest with a heaping helping of air, to which he let go with a blinding smile. "Enlightenment."

"That's a long-winded way of saying you perfected the art of having the stick up your ass for thousands of years," said Sylvanas. She pushed the cup of broth closer to him.

He swiped it out of her hand. "You just don't have a proud-sounding name like we do!" He took a sip and made a pained, mousy squawk, immediately holding the cup away from him. "By the Light…!"

"Blow on it. Come on, you know better. I thought you said you were a man's man?"

"Sh-Shut up!" But he blew on it, and took slower, tentative sips. "Huh, not bad. A little too much garlic, though—"

"Too bad." Sylvanas returned to the crock pot. "Anyway, at least our names make more sense than Jaina's."

Jaina's head shot up. "What's wrong with my last name?"

"Indeed!" Kael'thas agreed. He took a larger swig and, after struggling with the heat, choked it down with a gasp. "Her name is fine as it is!"

"Oh give me a break. We both know it's too broad of a term. Just say it: Proudmoore." She looked around, feigning bewilderment. "Proud of what, being a turbo-nerd? What more is there to be proud of out of anything in the universe?"

"I'm proud of who I am!" said Jaina. "I'm proud to be an avid learner!"

"Pride goeth before the fall—"

"And knowledge gives power to prevent that fall—"

"Or hasten its descent."

Chromie clapped delightedly. "Oh my timestream, that play by play is just…ah~n!" She made a high-pitched, girly squeal that would have made any actual female gnomes proud (and red to their roots). "You two just bounce off each other so perfectly. Sylvanas, you really oughta consider inviting Jaina into the har—"

"NO."

"Oh come on! Why not—"

"Because I have standards and I said so!"

"You're just gonna make the heart grow fonder~" said Li Li, leaning forward with her chin propped on the back of her knuckles.

"Do you have to ship me with goddamn every woman under the sun?"

"Uh, yes? You have fan clubs?"

"They wage wars in your name!" said Hammer. "Ship to ship combat with paper airplanes and AI bodies that looked like they were ripped off from KanColle and Azur Lane!"

"That whole thing became a hundred percent more retarded when they started pairing me with freaking Ana of all people."

"Grandmothers have to stick together," said Kael'thas, smiling smugly over the brim of the cup.

The handle of the ladle cracked under Sylvanas' tightening grip.

"Let's not forget Alexstrasza," said Jaina, and winced as the memory came up. "That was…something."

"Very something," Li Li agreed.

"It happened somewhere someplace in time, I just know it," said Chromie, and winked at Sylvanas. "I support it all the way."

"Dumbass fangirls and their dumbass hormonal tendencies," Sylvanas grumbled angrily. She turned off the crock pot with a harsh twist of her hand and set the ladle upside-down off to the side. "Dumbass containment forums and dumbass 4chan. Not every pairing has to work, unholy Darkness. I hate waifu wars." She grabbed the glass lid and showed enough restraint to not slam it down on top of the pot. "Point being is Li Li's surname makes more sense than Jaina's or Kael's, Pearson is a stupid last name for a stupid man, people are equally stupid for trashing perfectly good crock pots when the faulty ones need to be thrown out if they can't be fixed. End of story. Now does anyone want seconds?"

"Oh, I do!" said Li Li, pushing out of her seat.

"I could go for some more!" said Hammer, throwing off her portion of the kotatsu's blanket.

"I need to indulge my inner chicken broth fangirl and think of some sweet, sweet late-night writings by the fire," said Chromie, but she made no indication to move.

"Then get up and grab some. I'm not your bellhop. And it's forty degrees outside; it's been weeks since we've had actual seasonal temperatures. You don't even need the kotatsu on."

"I get cold easily. These small, gnomish bones aren't as dense as an elf's."

"Oh bologna."

Jaina sighed wearily and shook her head. "I swear, Sylvanas, one of these days someone's going to have an issue with you being so hostile with everyone—and other than me, that is—"

"Cassia already did," said Sylvanas. "Twice."

Jaina nodded. "Other than Cassia, and it'll end up causing a bigger fight than that ridiculous jousting match you held over Amazon Nova's favor. Or another case of property damage that collateral can't cover."

"I'm going to have an issue with someone having the cajones to try."

"There's a difference between telling someone to do something as nicely as possible and being a hardhead."

"I just tell it like it is. Now are you going to get some or not?"

"I'll wait."

"Suit yourself."

"How are you even cooking, anyway?" Kael'thas asked. "Aren't you prohibited by the health department?"

"I'm wearing three different air fresheners as a makeshift necklace that keeps the gnats away and makes me not smell like wet garbage. I emptied two bottles of undead disinfectant on the skin and am wearing three thrice-reinforced nanorite-layered water repellent, see-through plastic gloves on that makes me feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin. The Board can complain as much as they want about me contaminating produce and spreading diseases, but I'm not so stupid as to forego at least some basic measures of sanitation." She lifted the lid and moved away for Li Li and the others to get through and serve themselves.

He nodded. "Fair enough. But…the crock pot…it is in good condition, yes?"

Sylvanas gave him a sour, disbelieving look. "Kael'thas…Jaina bought this in some thrift shop when the girls and I went shopping in the Dracoban Midway last week. We checked on it before I fired it up and put everything in here. It's fine."

"For now. But how long do you suppose it'd been sitting there, untouched and gathering dust? Dust is a nasty thing, you know," he added, grimacing. "It can do terrible things to circuitry."

"Kael'thas, anything older than a thousand years in a Nexian period, one galactic standard millennium, is considered an antique. People just have this tendency to jump the gun and trash it because it's old, or they give it away at some pawn shop for a paltry sum of money or put it up for online auction because the brand name is downsized and not as big as it used to be." Sylvanas raised a shoulder in a careless shrug. "Besides, if anything does happen to it, Jaina's a good enough girl to 'give back to the earth' and all that eco-friendly tripe." She frowned. "Maybe Malfurion can use it as a planter for one of those fire-proof bonsai trees he's been trying to experiment and stabilize on."

"Man, they're wastin' time!" said Hammer. "So long's Ragnaros and Mal's Druid of the Flame variant are runnin' around, those trees ain't ever gonna stand a chance!"

"She's got a point there," Li Li added, who sat back down at the table.

"I'm doing the best I can!" said Jaina.

"Yes, you are, dear," Chromie assured her, patting at her elbow as she made her way back to the kotatsu. "You have all the time in the world…and all the money to burn. Capitalists love you!" Jaina flushed at that remark.

"So it's good," Kael'thas said, although the hint of question still remained in his voice.

"Yes, it's good," Sylvanas reaffirmed once again. "It's old, but I've seen clunkers and gas guzzlers on the street from several millennia back that run better than what's being made on the auto assembly lines. And if it causes any problems, Jaina will stop them from becoming problems because she's a frost mage."

"And you managed to find me a nice spot away from Garrosh's iron stars so I could build this nice little abode," Jaina said, smiling. "You make a good landscaper as well as a carpenter, Sylvanas."

"Anything to get away from that blowhard and his piss-poor trajectory. It had nothing to do with your sniveling."

Chromie cupped her hands by her mouth and, not so subtly, whisper-yelled, "SUBTEXT." She leaned back, smirking, even as Sylvanas scoffed and flipped her off. Jaina rolled her eyes and Li Li shook her head before the latter went to blow steam from the topped cup.

"I am gladdened," said Kael'thas, who was doing his damned well hardest to ignore the play-by-play (and being almost outright ignored, but Jaina was such a dear, she was too good of a cinnamon roll for this crazy universe). "So long as you know what you're doing, this old thing won't go kaput."

Sylvanas' eyes narrowed and emitted a faint, red glow. "Are you questioning my ability to operate a crock pot?"

He raised his free hand up in defense. "Now I didn't say that! It's just"—he turned that hand palm-up and shrugged his shoulders—"it's not old and busted by any means, but you—Sylvanas, let me finish."

"Choose your next words carefully, or the only other thing besides the crock pot that'll end up busted is your skull." Sylvanas had twisted her body around so that she was grabbing the pot by one of its handles.

He dug his hand into the hair between his ears. "Not my skull…!"

"Sylvanas, don't you dare!" Jaina cried, standing up and slamming her hands down on the table. "I paid good money for that crock pot!"

"Yeah, it cooks some good stuff!" said Hammer. "You smash it against his head, you might just destroy the last decent crock pot that makes boss chicken broth in existence!"

"Any other crock pot might pale in comparison!" said Li Li. "The next time you cook chicken broth again, it might water down the garlic powder. Maybe it'll cause the chicken bouillons to experience a soupy mitosis and overpower the whole thing, leading to bouts of bloating and heartburn!"

"If you break the crock pot, you'll spell the end of the Nexus—nay, the whole multiverse! No amount of Pepto-Bismol can fix that," said Chromie. She put her elbows on the kotatsu and gestured with an upturned hand. "Do you really wanna do that? Do you really want to have that on your conscience?"

"Listen to them, Sylvanas," said Kael'thas. "Listen to Chromie. She's asking the big questions. Do you really—"

"Do you want to know what pain unending feels like?" Sylvanas asked. "Because whatever you say, if it's not to my liking—"

"Nothing is!"

"—I will make it worse than anything—anything—you have ever felt, are going to feel, and will feel in your waking life. Not the trolls, not the orcs, not the Scourge, not the Legion. Nothing will compare to what I will do to you." Sylvanas took the lid off the crock pot. "What's it gonna be, Sunstrider? Endure hell on earth with me, or go into the endless dark with Jack son of Pear?"

Kael'thas stared long and hard at the crock pot, the steam wafting from the chicken broth. He looked at Sylvanas, who was staring back with dangerous expectancy. "I like my head the way it is, thank you very much."

"Annnnnd?" Sylvanas needled.

"Annnnnd...uhh." Sylvanas reached for the other handle. Jaina shook her head vigorously and made slashing gestures through the air in front of her with her arms, like a referee signaling an incomplete pass. Li Li sliced an invisible line across her neck. Hammer kept twirling her hands, indicating him to go on, whereas Chromie did a similar motion but more slowly, extravagantly, like some mafia don who was laying down a deal he couldn't (and really shouldn't) turn down. "And!" he squeaked again, jumping at the way Sylvanas moved the crock pot a bare inch across the counter. "And! You are a very, very good cook. Exemplary, I should say! One that everyone should follow. Undeath does not impede one's culinary skills. To say otherwise would be discriminating, ignorant, and, most of all, so not worth the cranial trauma and third-degree burns. Chicken broth is good for the soul…and my nerves. May I please have some more?" Kael'thas held out his cup, his uneasy grin appearing more as though someone stuffed sand down his pants.

"You may," said Sylvanas, and she let go of the crock pot and walked away so he could get by. "Enjoy."

As soon as she had her back turned, Kael'thas snatched up the ladle and started scooping large portions of broth into his cup. "Dumb rabbit-eared gopher…gonna make her look like a fool one of these days…get to see who has the last laugh then…! Gonna have all this broth and not share it with anyone…!"

Jaina heaved a weary sigh. "Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with you," she told Sylvanas as the elf walked by. "You're such a pain to deal with."

"Good. I need to keep you on your feet if you want to stay reasonably sane in this world," Sylvanas said, and took a seat at the kotatsu. "And by you, I mean you in general, you little shit. Get your mind out of the gutter." She added, glaring at Chromie.

The gnome giggled. "I can turn into a big one if you like." She spread her hands out for emphasis, grinning mischievously. Magical sand poured out of her robes in wispy drifts and formed small, bronze dragon wings at her back.

"Please don't!" Jaina exclaimed, anxiously. "Can we just keep my house intact for once? Please? I really like this house."

"So do I; it's rather comfy. You did a good job, Sylvanas."

"You really oughta go to school and major in architecture and design," said Li Li. "Who knows, you might be the first person to discover the secret to making indestructible housing!"

"I'm on board with that," said Jaina. "Just don't use my house as part of your experiments!"

"Go through with it, hon," said Hammer. "With your ideas, we'll be billionaires!"

"Can I find a cure for stupid first?" Sylvanas drawled.

Chromie put an arm around her waist. "All the time in the world, my friend," she said dreamily, and waved a hand through the air. "From here to eternity and back again. You can do anything if you set your mind to it."

Sylvanas nodded. "That's great. Now do me a favor."

"Anything, pizan."

"Get your arm off me." She flung it off her and, with both hands on her shoulders, shoved her underneath the kotatsu.