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Two months later we're up to our asses in guys, and women-because we're not here to judge whom one fake loves. Who knew there was such a strong market for this?
Oh yeah, me...because I'm brilliant like that. I'm making a killing right now with so many clients I can barely keep up. Luckily I'm almost done with school or I'd be seriously close to an energy drink addiction.
We're about to expand into offering fake boyfriends soon. It took a while to recruit some dependable men that weren't total douchebags. I mean, part of the problem with having a real boyfriend is that the unworthy ones can't keep an open line of communication.
It took a while to find some guys who needed jobs that could text in a timely manner and not be a total pervert (Rose and Alice did that research). Try finding that at your local university.
But Jasper and Emmett seem to be good guys - though I wondered if they were like eighty years old because of their names until I saw their birth dates. The third new guy was recommended by them.
The three new hires show up for our training session at our office (my house-because office space is expensive and this is a tiny company).
The guys walk in and introduce themselves to us. I shake hands but notice Alice and Rose haven't moved. Alice makes some sort of noncommittal sound, and Rose says nothing as she looks around the room.
"Um, ladies? Maybe you introduce yourselves? It's getting a little weird."
"Uh, right. I'm er, Alice, and this is um, Rose."
Rose nods nervously.
Jasper and Emmett grin and Demitri waves. There's a strange vibe in the room, but I ignore it and continue with the training. They get their client lists and phones and finally leave. The girls have said very little.
"So what the actual fuck was that about?" I ask. "Usually you two don't shut the hell up. Especially around three hot guys."
They both look at each other, each seeming to try to communicate wordlessly.
"Wesortofalreadyhookedupwiththem," comes out in one long stream.
Because we've been friends for many years, I understand them immediately. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Is that it?"
"Well, we tried to play it cool. We were worried you'd get mad, and they were worried they wouldn't get the jobs if we were involved," Rose says.
"Involved? Not just fucking?" I ask.
"Jasper is my soulmate. I can't speak for Rose."
"Ri-ight. Soulmate. And Rose, your soulmate? Emmett or Demitri?"
"Emmett is the hottest fuck I've ever had. His cock should be bronzed and put on a pedestal."
"Fantastic. So we have a bronze cock and soulmate."
"Like you have to be so crude, Bella? Geez," Rose says huffily.
"Crude? You were the one who was talking about metal alloy dick."
"How do you manage to make something so beautiful seem gross?" Alice asks.
"Beautiful," I huff. "Right."
"Emmett's cock is beautiful...no matter what Bella says...words can't bring it do-ow-nah...oh noooo-"
Oh no is right. We've come to the Alice-sings-her-own-lyrics portion of the the night, folks. Things are going south from here.
"Emmett's peen is beautiful in every single way..."
Far, far, south.
"Someone please go down on Bella to-daaaay..."
Like Antarctica.
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"Hey, Edward. So are you going to sign up for our service, or what?" Emmett asks while we sit at lunch. "If I have to hear you bitch about your mom trying to set you up with another girl, I'm going to lose my shit."
My mother has decided that I must date someone or her life isn't complete. She's been hounding me to date several of her friends' daughters. I was sort of a late bloomer and never dated too much in high school. I haven't made my few college conquests known to her, so I believe she thinks I'm socially inept. It can't be the fear of not having grandchildren because I'm only twenty-four for fuck's sake.
And yesterday's girl really took the cake. As in she actually took all the cake my mom made. I think she hid it in her purse when we weren't looking. This was after not eating any of the lunch she was served because she was "watching her carbs."
"I'm going to lose my shit, Emmett. My mom had someone waiting for me when I went over yesterday. Straight up freak." I stop them before they comment. "And not the good kind. I think she stole a few of my hairs."
"Maybe she's going to clone you in her basement," Jasper says. They both laugh. I was thinking "hair suit" but keep that to myself.
"You'd think your mom would pick better chicks," adds Emmett.
"Right? All losers and not even hot. And she keeps offering me different girls every time I visit. She has pictures of new ones. My mom is a pimp with a scrapbook of desperation."
"I don't get it," says Jasper. "You're perfectly capable of getting your own dates. You're reasonably good looking-"
"Thanks so much." I glare at him. Emmett laughs.
Dicks.
"And you're smart and sort of fit - if you keep working out that is," he continues. "Why aren't you dating?"
"Is it erectile disfunction?" Emmett whispers loudly. The ladies at the next table glance over at me, wide-eyed.
"I bet his mom saw that cable show where the weird loner dudes fall in love with their car or like a Ferris wheel. She got worried when she was reminded of Edward," adds Jasper.
"He does wax that Volvo a lot," Emmett says, wide-eyed.
"What the fuck...now I'm a weird loner dude that either can't get it up or fucks his Volvo in the tailpipe?" They both shrug and start laughing. I flip both of them off. "I don't...How do you even come up with this shit?"
"Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much about boning a car," Jasper says.
"Shakespeare. Nice." Emmett nods his appreciation.
"He's a regular Sir Ian McKellen," I say angrily. "Magneto, you stupid fucks," I add when I see their blank looks. "And that wasn't even correct. How are you two drama majors?"
"We like pretending to do shit," says Emmett.
"Ok-aay. How about pretending to have a clue?"
"Dude." Emmett looks hurt. He blinks his eyes. I see a tear forming. What the fuck?
"Are you actually crying?" He's making weird sounds and rocking. Then he stands, and his face clears.
"And scene. Drama major, bitch," Emmett crows. He bows his head.
"Nice improv, Em," Jasper says appreciatively.
"I can't believe I'm thinking that I'd rather be talking about my car fucking."
Emmett mutters, "Waxing dat trunk."
I give him a killer look. "Anyways, back to me. I just want to focus on school right now. My last semester is killer and then I have to take the bar."
"But you're like a genius or whatever. The bar is going to be a joke for you," says Emmett.
"Hopefully. And I guess a woman in my life just isn't a priority right now. I can find my own woman, but I haven't met anyone special enough."
"Maybe you need some foreign action. What about a Mercedes," Emmett chokes out. "I hear German cars put out."
"Fuck you both," I say over their fits of laughter as they wheeze out some more shit about how putting a bikini on my Volvo was the only way I could get Swedish pussy.
"Seriously though, let one of us text you like we offered," says Jasper. "We are professional boyfriends now. Which reminds me, I need to text a few clients." He proceeds to pull out two phones from his pockets.
"Oh, me too. But Rose first. That woman is going to kill me. In the best way. You should see how bendy she is..."
"I love the way Alice screams when I-"
"I don't want to hear it," I interrupt.
"You need to get laid, Ed. Remember how testy I was when I had that long dry spell?"
"Heh. Testy. You were a total dick. And it was only like two weeks. That's not a dry spell."
"Two weeks was like the Sahara. Longest time with no pussy since tenth grade. Of course I've given up the strange putang since I met my woman," Emmett boasts.
"Me too. Alice is the one. I'm going to be her baby daddy some day. Maybe even get a dog or an apartment or some shit like that."
"Charming. You two really have a way with words. I can see why you've gone from out of work actors to professional texters."
"Dude, this is the best job. We're getting paid to write total bullshit to girls," says Emmett as he sends off several messages.
"Refreshing after doing that for free all these years. So it's not weird that you don't know those people?" I ask. I still don't get what their job is. I think it's ridiculous and I've told them several times.
"No. It's great. Like a bunch of acting jobs all at once," replies Jasper. "And I make enough money for beer and to take Alice out for those coffee drinks she likes."
"So which one of us is going to do you, Ed?" asks Emmett. "I'll even sext you."
"There's no fucking way either of you would be my fake girlfriend. The emotional scarring would be pervasive."
"Geez. That was harsh," replies Emmett. His pout is really unattractive.
"If you don't want to date either of us, then sign up for the service," Jasper says.
"So you're saying that if I don't want to have a fake relationship with you, then I should have a fake relationship with one of your girlfriends."
"Err, yeah?"
"The whole thing is disturbing. I don't get how you all can pretend to be in a relationship with multiple people. It's like a real life version of The Bachelor but without all the crying."
"The Bachelor rules hard, man. I only wish they would take me," Jasper says.
"You have too much self-esteem and close to an actual job."
"It's a real job, Ed. We'd do you right," Emmett says.
"I'm not interested in either of you doing me."
"You'd be surprised how easy it is. Give it a chance," says Jasper.
"I'm barely holding on
to the little respect I have for you two as it is, so I'd rather date one of mom's weird set-ups.""Yeah. I hear your neighbor Bree started taking weekly showers," mutters Emmett. "Maybe you can get into her tailpipe."
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Love to Cosmogirl for the critical eye. I know you're all reading Scorched. Read it again.
MariahajilE pre-read and said "Meh." Just kidding, Iris.