A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."
Shorter chapter this time, but it made sense to break where I did before starting the next section. Let me know what you think! And thanks so much for reading! :D
The scents that greeted James when he stepped into The Breakfast Spot made his mouth water. Had he even eaten dinner the night before?
Oh, right. Pizza with Lucy. Who as usual tried to convince him to come out until James threatened to leave her there alone on the golf course.
He knew she meant well, but why did no one understand that the admittance would rip his life apart before it even got started? Not to mention the effect it would have on Logan and the feelings of guilt he'd suffer because he wasn't capable of loving James back. Because of course Lucy kept riding him to admit that, too. It pissed James off royally that Lucy so easily read him when he'd worked hard to keep his feelings hidden. She'd known within the first three minutes of meeting him that he was gay, seeing through all of his denials and not letting it go until she was forced to when he stormed out of her office and slammed the door with a bang.
She didn't know that he was attracted to Kendall, though; at least that was still a secret, and one he was determined would never come to light.
But James didn't want to think about Kendall today. Like Rush, he was taking a day off from the "stupid beautiful face" that took up far too many of his thoughts. He smiled when Jennifer called out to him, welcoming the hug she offered as he slid into the booth next to her.
Of course, there was no smile in sight from Katie.
James tried anyway. "Good morning, Katie," he said pleasantly.
She wanted to bite out a rude retort, James could see the words forming in her head, but her mother's warning look was enough to quell them. Instead she nodded and returned her attention to the menu.
"I was so surprised when you texted me last night," Jennifer shared. "You said plans fell through?"
"Yeah, I was supposed to meet Logan for breakfast but he had a lot of catching up to do."
"Oh, yes, he told me the same thing when I invited him to join us."
The glass of water James had lifted stopped halfway to his mouth. "You invited Logan?"
"To lunch yesterday, yes. I was hoping we'd get to talk a little more. He said we could try again next weekend, though. He seems like a nice young man."
"He is," James nodded, wondering just how much Jennifer knew about her son. "He and Kendall are...close."
"I know, isn't it fantastic?"
Another chug of water was in order before James glanced at her. "So you know?"
"About the two of them? Yes. I mean, we only found out yesterday, but I'm glad Kendall found the courage to tell us. He seems to really like Logan a lot."
"He does. And it's mutual, Logan...they're really hitting it off." Now he had Katie's attention. "So you guys...you're cool with it? With Kendall being...?"
"Of course," Jennifer answered. "It doesn't change who he is."
James look over at Katie, needing to hear the same thing from her. "Mom's right. I was surprised, but he's still my brother. We just want him to be happy."
After swallowing over the lump in his throat, James said, "You're both amazing. He's really lucky to have you guys."
Jennifer smiled. "He's a wonderful son. Do you have any siblings?"
"I don't, actually. I've always wondered what it would be like."
"Sometimes it sucks," Katie admitted. When her mother gave her an exasperated look, she added, "But most of the time it rocks. It's nice to have someone looking out for you, you know?"
"I can imagine. You're starting at Lincoln next year, right?"
"Don't remind me."
"It's not a bad school, I'm really happy there. I was going to say that if Kendall's ever not around when you need him, you can find me in the arts department. I got your back."
"Lucy said the same thing," Jennifer mused. "It makes me feel better knowing all three of you will be watching over her."
Katie looked as if the idea was both welcome and repulsive at the same time. Unable to resist adding to her misery, James shared, "Logan will do the same, I'm sure."
Jennifer shook her head. "I'm sure Logan's going to be too busy wanting to strangle her to care about her safety."
"Mom, I'm not that bad!"
"You are, Katie. You take joy in disrupting math class. Why is it just that one?"
"Because it's boring! Why can't we just take tests and move on instead of listening to some teacher explain the same thing over and over?"
"Because not everyone is as smart as you and it takes them longer to grasp the concepts." To James, Jennifer said, "Katie's in advanced classes. It's not that she isn't intelligent, she just gets bored easily. Miles ahead of her classmates mentally."
"You know, Logan was the same way in school."
Katie was having a hard time believing that. "I can't see him causing trouble in class."
"No, that he wouldn't do," James chuckled. "I think 'detention' is a bad word in his world. What he did instead was learn at his own pace. He graduated when he was like 15 or something crazy."
"No way."
"That's incredible," Jennifer added.
"Maybe you guys should talk to him about it, see if he knows a better way for Katie to get through school."
"Huh. I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, young lady, what are you having for breakfast?"
"I'm thinking waffles. They have the big Belgian ones here."
"They're really good," James told her. "They'll even put ice cream on it if you ask."
"Heck yeah!"
A passing bus boy stopped to ask if they needed more water. James was about to say yes when he noticed a full glass next to his almost-empty one. Jennifer and Katie each had their own, and wasn't it odd that there was an extra just sitting here?
Dread thudded heavily into his stomach when he realized why there'd be a fourth glass. And...a fourth menu he hadn't noticed.
No. NO.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had a hard time getting out of—"
Their eyes met just when Kendall would've said the word "bed." He stood next to the table and stared down with the same look of shocked panic that was a mirror to James' own gaze. The sight of those green eyes shoved memories into James' mind, visions from the night before with Rush tumbling through his brain to leave him breathless.
No. No I can't be here, I can't face you not now not after—
"It's fine, sweetheart!" Trapped between James and the wall, Jennifer didn't rise to hug Kendall but gestured for him to join Katie on the other side of the booth. Kendall slowly slid into it, eyes still wide and panicked.
"I didn't know James was coming."
Don't. Please don't say that word and my name. Or even just the word.
Kendall continued, "I thought you couldn't make it."
"His plans fell through," Jennifer explained. "So he changed his mind. I didn't think it would be a problem; you two are friends, right?"
Friends was so not the word for whatever it was they were to each other. This was never going to work. James had to get out of here.
Just as he was about to stand, a foot stomped down hard on top of his. He met Kendall's gaze with an outraged look but immediately read the thoughts behind it.
Stay.
Kendall didn't want him here, it was glaringly obvious. Why was he stopping James from leaving?
A minute head tilt toward Jennifer answered the silent question. Feeling Katie's curious gaze dodging back and forth between them, James ignored the heat flushing his face and replied, "Close enough."
Kendall at least met him halfway. "We don't get a lot of time to talk since we only see each other at lunch."
"Well, now you do," Jennifer grinned. She informed an approaching server that they needed a few more minutes to decide on their orders before urging Kendall to look at the menu. "James says the waffles here are really good."
"I do love waffles," Kendall said slowly. James had to admire that he was trying even though it was obvious how badly he wished it was anyone else sitting across from him.
Sensing that whatever tension there had been was no longer a threat and therefore bored again, Katie returned to her own menu. "I think I'm gonna go with that. Mom's probably gonna get something boring like oatmeal."
"Katie, there is nothing wrong with oatmeal."
"Okay, but we come to a breakfast place with all these choices and you eat oatmeal? There's something wrong with you."
With a smirk James told them, "Logan says the oatmeal here is fantastic."
Kendall tried to cover up a snort. "Why am I not surprised that Logan eats oatmeal?"
"Dude, right? No offense to you, Jennifer, but how does anyone come to a place like this and not get something like waffles and bacon? Or even pancakes?"
"That's what I'm saying!" Katie exclaimed.
"I have to agree with James," Kendall nodded. "Live a little, Mom."
"I happen to like oatmeal."
James grinned. "That's what Logan says, too. I'm sorry, but give me something sweet any day."
Kendall couldn't hold back an amused smile. "I did see some chocolate milk in Logan's fridge last night. Pretty sure I know who that belongs to."
"Guilty," James blushed, amazed that he was laughing. "I keep it there because I know he won't touch it." A suspicious glare was suddenly aimed Kendall's way. "Did you?"
"No, I swear!"
"You'd better not. And hands off the boxes of chocolate above the fridge."
"Oh, you really shouldn't have told me about that."
"I'm serious, Knight. I will decapitate you in your sleep."
"Damn," Kendall marveled. "You don't fuck around." Remembering his current company, Kendall offered an apologetic glance toward his little sister.
"Not when it comes to chocolate," James agreed. Something in Kendall's eyes changed, making James' heart jump in his chest. It was a teasing, challenging glint that James' dick responded to immediately.
"I brought over a chocolate pie last night for dessert. We never touched it. Will you be seeing Logan today?"
"I will," James nodded.
"I expect there to be enough left for him to bring me a piece for lunch tomorrow. Are we clear?"
Why was Kendall speaking in that slow, taunting but so sexy voice? This was torture.
"So clear," James answered, using the same tone of voice. Kendall licked his lips, and James' fingers dug into his own knee painfully. How did this man turn chocolate pie into sex? It just wasn't fair.
With the exception of Jennifer, who added a banana nut muffin to her order of oatmeal, they all went with waffles, eggs, and bacon. Talk turned to the previous day's game and by extension Kendall's feelings about his new career. James was quiet through much of that discussion, knowing it was difficult for Kendall to speak freely in front of him. He was starting to understand just how much it bothered Kendall that he'd been angry over the accident.
Then again, the knowledge that Kendall thought he'd deserved to lose the contest didn't sit well, either.
Halfway through the meal, James' phone rang. He frowned, having expected Logan to be deep into his "teacher stuff" by now. "Sorry," James said to the table. "I'm sure this will be quick. Hey, what's up?"
"Can you come over sooner?"
"Uh...sure. I'm having breakfast right now but...when?"
"Whenever you can. I broke my phone."
"Aren't you using it now?"
"Yeah, I mean the screen. I'm gonna have to take it in and they said they're already backed up so it'll be at least four hours."
"Oh. Yeah, I'll take you down to the mall."
"Thanks. And...don't be mad, but I'm going to give Kendall your number."
James' eyes flew across the table. Kendall gave him a questioning look. "Why?"
"Because we have to discuss something important and we can't without a phone. I'm sorry, I know that's a shitty thing to do to you, but...I need to be available when he calls. So I need you with me."
Oh. So now I'm just a way to get in touch with your boyfriend. Fighting the feelings of hurt and inadequacy that wanted to crowd in, James blinked a few times and looked away from Kendall. "Sure. Whatever you need."
"James...thank you. I know we've been going through a lot and I know how hard all of this is for you, but...thank you. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."
Hot tears burned behind his eyelids. He refused to let them fall. "No prob. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Thanks."
"Sure thing. Bye."
James hung up in a hurry, needing to get away fast. He managed, "Logan's gonna call and give you my number. Just do me a favor and delete it after today."
Confusion blanched across Kendall's face. "Why would he do that?"
"He'll explain. I have to—"
"Why don't you just give it to him?" Katie wanted to know. "You're sitting right here."
James didn't know how to answer that. There was no logical explanation for the fact that he didn't want Logan to know they'd had breakfast together. Which was dumb, Logan would probably be happy to hear they were getting along. And that just made James feel more guilty.
"I have to—"
The ringing of Kendall's phone saved him. They all looked away, giving James time to make an escape. He headed for the bathroom rather than the exit because he did still want to say goodbye to Jennifer and Katie, and he did want to pay for his food. He just needed a few minutes to get himself together before he could do that without breaking down into a complete mess.
When he finally emerged, Kendall was waiting for him outside the mens' room. Leaning against the hallway's wall in a hoodie with the school's logo on it and a faded pair of blue jeans, he was the representation of everything James needed in a sexual partner. It wasn't even anything in the clothes, but his mere presence and the way he stood. Or leaned. Or walked. Or breathed.
Why can't you just go away and stop torturing me?
Kendall pushed off the wall with a grace James wouldn't have expected from someone missing a limb. Not even that could take away from his beauty.
"I know you don't want to be here right now," he began. When James looked away, he added, "And I'll be honest. Sitting across from you is no picnic."
James nodded. "Then let me leave."
"I can't, because it would break my mother's heart and right now that's all I care about."
"I can just tell her I'm not feeling well."
"My mother sees through lies, James. She sees everything. It's really fucking annoying sometimes."
James believed that; she'd seen right through his stage persona to the scared little boy underneath.
"Besides, you've only eaten half of your waffle. You can't tell me you won't regret leaving that behind."
"I can get it to go. And I wasn't going to just take off without saying goodbye or paying for my meal. I'm not a total dick."
"No," Kendall smirked. "It would be easier if you were."
"Yeah, I'm not too thrilled with you right now either. It's impossible to hate you when you care so much about your family."
The smirk deepened, green eyes twinkling. "You do like me."
"Right now I really fucking hate you."
"I know," Kendall nodded. He stepped closer, James backing up until he was stopped by a wall. "But you also like me. A lot."
No. No no no this isn't happening. James' breath was strangled in his throat. He closed his eyes, praying for some miracle that would get Kendall away from him because he only had so much self-control.
Kendall's voice was soft, reassuring...and way too close. "I see things too, James. Things you don't want anyone to see. I don't know why you feel the need to hide those things, but I think you'd be a lot happier if you opened up. If you just...let the real you...come out."
Come out. Kendall made it sound so easy. They all made it sound so easy. It fucking wasn't! Intending to argue, James opened his eyes and his mouth only to freeze in place as a shudder surged through him.
Kendall's lips were an inch away. He could actually feel the breath slipping out and onto his own lips.
There was no way to hide his feelings. Like Kendall had said, he saw them anyway. He thought it would be best to push Kendall away, he just needed room to breathe, but when he slipped a hand between them to do that, his fingers closed around soft material to clutch it tightly. His eyes begged for Kendall to do it, to do anything, to do everything, because that hungry look on Kendall's face was enough to make him come by itself.
In a last-ditch effort at escape, James pressed his face to Kendall's shoulder, his body trembling. It was the only way to keep a scream from breaking free. Surprising him, Kendall wrapped him up in a hug that soothed him and made him feel secure. Safe. Treasured.
Wishing it didn't have to be this way, James lifted his face just enough to speak quietly. "Kendall, I need you to stay away from me. Please."
"Is that really what you want?" Kendall asked just as softly. His arms didn't loosen their grip.
No. But there was one truth in James' life and nothing would change it. His voice full of pleading, he said, "I can't lose Logan."
And that, finally, Kendall seemed to understand. He slowly lowered his arms and stepped back, and when he did James saw a disappointment to match his own. "Okay."
There was nothing more to say. James dug deep for strength, calling on his acting skills yet again to get him through a moment in life he could barely face. "I'm gonna go."
Kendall nodded. He stepped further back, James finally feeling like he could breathe. He was almost to the end of the hall when Kendall stopped him. "Wait."
James didn't want to wait. He wanted to run, very far and very fast, to the safety of Logan. He halted anyway. "What?"
"I'll do what you want. I'll keep my distance. But before we finish this...there's one thing I need to know."
Don't ask don't ask don't ask I can't talk to you right now. "I don't want to talk anymore."
"Good. I don't either."
When Kendall grabbed his arm to drag him back toward the bathroom, James let out a whine. He'd hate Kendall for this, wish him dead, refuse to even be in the same room with him.
Later.
Right now it was all about the way Kendall shoved him up against the wall and kissed him with abandon, a tongue demanding entrance that James desperately gave before returning the gesture. Kendall moaned when his tongue was sucked on, one hand eagerly rubbing over the bulge in James' pants while James thrusted into the touch. James' hands reached around to drag his hips closer, Kendall moving own his hands to James' hair so that there was nothing between them but clothing that each wished didn't exist. Kendall rutted into James, James hissing at the friction before meeting the thrusts eagerly while moaning into Kendall's mouth.
It was everything he'd ever dreamed of with Rush, except this was real. This was happening. This was life.
"Oh god you have to stop or I'm gonna come."
Kendall did, pushing himself away from James in a way that showed it was the last thing he wanted to do. They stared at each other with fire blazing in their eyes, chests heaving with need. Not trusting himself to do anything else, James ran out of the bathroom and kept going until he was in the driver's seat of his car. He made it a few blocks before pulling onto a side street and reaching down for the notebook he kept under his seat at all times.
Song number four only took twenty minutes, and it was fire.
He checked his phone to see if there was anything new from Logan, then communicated that he was on the way. He sent another text to Jennifer, apologizing for his abrupt departure and asking for her information so that he could send her a payment for his breakfast.
Finally he opened the email he'd noted right away but wanted to save for last. If anyone could clear his head and put him in a more rational frame of mind, it was Rush. Hopefully he had some wisdom to share and wasn't canceling on their date for the following night.
The email only consisted of two words, though, and they were like an echo of the thoughts swimming around in James' own brain.
"It exists."