.
.
.
.
.
"She what?" Emmett shouts. Maybe he talks in a regular voice, but my hangover makes him sound like we're at a death metal concert. Not that I've attended death metal concerts because that would be like being stabbed in the ear. Which is probably a little bit better than how I'm feeling right now, sprawled out over my couch wearing yesterday's clothes.
I may have been drinking a bit since she dumped me yesterday. By text message. I think that was the worst part. I didn't even mean enough to her to warrant a face to face dumping. But then again we never even had a real date. Maybe I was just deluding myself the whole time.
Great. Now I'm delusional. Well, it runs in my family. I can no longer make fun of my great Uncle Caius who thinks he's invisible. Thanksgiving is awesome when he shows up naked.
"She fucking dropped my ass like a bad habit," I tell him. "It sucks."
I proceed to to tell him the whole affair. The whole embarrassing thing. To his credit, he doesn't laugh even though I'm really pathetic.
"Edward, what the fuck happened? One minute you were all whipped and the next you're lying in a pile of Cheeto bags and beer cans. Dude, that's fucking awful," he says, picking up shit and throwing it in a trash bag. I should be concerned that Emmett is appalled enough to start cleaning.
"I know. I feel like shit." I look like it too. I've barely slept, and I'm covered in orange dust. I probably reek of stale beer and desperation.
"The sodium in this is going to make you retain water like a bitch. You're going to totally derail all my teachings."
I laugh. It's harsh and hurts my head. "I don't need abs now, Emmett. The girl I wanted to feel them is probably laughing at me right now with her friends telling them what a tool I was. Come to think of it, she's probably laughing at me with your girlfriend and this traitor's chick," I say bitterly, pointing as Jasper walks in.
"Dude. Switching to gluten-free isn't being a traitor. It's a conscious choice to stop my stomach problems," Jasper says, flinging his bag on a chair.
"Like I give a fuck about your explosive diarrhea. I have real problems."
"What's more real than explosive diarrhea?" Jasper asks.
"I'm with Jasper. That shit's nasty," Emmett adds. "Literally."
"Good one," Jasper says, fist-bumping him.
"My improv coach says I'm really making strides."
"Yes. I really felt the impromptu nature of-"
"Oh my god," I whine. "Can you two be normal for a while and just wallow with me in my misery? We can return to your scene or monologue or whatever later."
"Sorry." Emmett looks chastised. It's probably genuine because he's not that good of an actor.
"You know acting can be really cathartic if you're having an issue-"
"Not now, Jasper. Bella dumped Edward. He's pretty fucked up over it. Though, he gets props for rocking a perfect line from P and P to respond to her."
Jasper gasps. I don't know if he's gasping about the dumping or the chick flick line I texted her.
"I couldn't help it. It popped into my head because I just watched it with...her." They better not call me a pussy for that shit.
"BBC version, or ninety-five? Though both have their fine points."
"The Keira Knightly one," I answer. I don't know why I do, but I assume Jasper will go on one of his rants if I don't. He cares about source material almost as much as his hair product. At least they didn't give me shit for quoting a movie line.
"Well, that's not as well-received as the others, but I applaud the choice. Classic break up scene."
I should have realized he'd be more interested in the scene I selected than my abject pain. "Jasper, I'm the one that just got dumped. In real life. Can you focus, here?"
"Right. That sucks. After all that fucking work we did to make you two happen."
"Jasper," Emmett mutters. He gives him a furtive look. Jasper's eyes widen.
"What the fuck do you mean?" I ask. I'm not that hungover that I don't notice something going on. These two are not subtle. It's probably all those years of emoting or whatever the fuck they do.
"Err, we-"
"Umm..."
"You two better come up with the truth right now or I'm going to shove your yoga mat up your ass to stop your diarrhea. Now, did you do something besides get me a phone number?"
"Define 'something.' "
"Define 'I'm going to shred every one of your precious Broadway playbills in your collection if you don't start explaining,' " I say. "Did you tell her something that would make her break up with me? Not that shit about the mechanophilia!" I shout.
"What? I don't even know what that is," replies Emmett.
"The car fucking thing."
"Oh. No. I thought we were joking about that. Did that really happen?"
"Fu-uck," I say with a sigh. "Did you two do anything that involves Bella and me getting together or anything to that effect?" I try to use my most patient tone that I reserve for small children and stupid people.
"Now look, Edward. Please realize that everything we did was for you," Jasper says. "Though it was really our women that came up with the idea."
"Go on." I take a deep breath so I don't lose my shit.
"Um...so Bella is our boss."
"Okay. I don't know why you didn't tell me that...but that's not a big deal."
"Well, you didn't seem to respect our jobs so we didn't think that knowing she was the brains behind our company would help."
"I get it. I was pretty negative about the idea."
"And you seemed really into her after you met at the gym, and we all thought you'd make a great couple."
"I'm not seeing the problem yet." I rub my temples, trying to calm myself.
Emmett chimes in, "Well, we told Rosalie and Alice to set you guys up, but Bella wasn't exactly looking to date anyone."
"So...?"
"So...theytoldherthatyouwereaclientthatsignedupforShipper," Jasper blurts out in one long stream.
"What?" I ask.
"He said that-"
"Shut up, Emmett. I understand what he said. I've listened to your stupid fucking vocal warm-ups enough to understand anything you two spew out. I was just in deep shock that my supposed, soon-to-be-girlfriend that cruelly dumped me wasn't even my girlfriend. She was just paid to pretend to like me. It was all fake."
That sounds even shittier said out loud than it did in my head.
"See? This is why we didn't tell you. We knew you'd get all weird about it," Jasper says.
I make a sound like a dying animal. I'm past losing my shit. My shit is somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa and the Ark of the Covenant. I close my eyes and rub my face.
"Dude. I think he's having a meltdown, " Emmett whispers. "If he starts sobbing and rocking gently, we need to call a professional. I can call my acting coach. She's talked me down several times. Remember when I got rejected for that antacid commercial?"
"Oh right. Hey, now I have some notes for you if you ever have to do a stomach pain scene again," Jasper adds. "But back to Edward's meltdown."
I sigh. "I'm not having a meltdown. I'm just taking a moment to get myself together. What was an extremely shitty dumping is now ten times worse. You all completely screwed me over. I thought we were friends, and you let your girlfriends make a fool of me. This is like a fucking cable reality show. You two drama whores should really love this." I stand and start walking away.
"It's not like that, Edward," Emmett says. He reaches for my arm, and I shrug him off. "We just wanted you two to start talking and eventually get together. We didn't know about her breaking up with you. That wasn't part of the plan."
"Somehow I'm not hurting any less."
"Let me call Alice and find out what's going on," Jasper says. "It might be a mistake."
"There was a mistake. But it wasn't that. It was me believing in this whole thing. I'm done."
.
.
.
.
.
AN: Ooh, two chapters in a row with the "angst." Cosmogirl is shocked. Hope you're all still hanging in for the ending.