A/N

Shit's about to get real. (I might actually need to change the rating up at some point in the future...)

.:Chapter Five: Birthday Blues:.

Sawada Nana was not the kind, trusting, air-headed woman she everyone saw her to be. No. She was a person who liked to hide behind a perfectly carved mask of obliviousness.

She hides and pretends to forget.

She smiles and pretends everything is alright.

All the while her wounds are left open and bleeding behind that mask; out of sight and out of mind…

Or at least, that's the conclusion Tsuna had come to after having lived a short while under the same roof with her. And she can't, for the life of her, understand why anyone would do that to themselves.

Dying from blood loss seemed like a rather terrible way to go after all…

Things were probably made worse in that the only person Nana could lean on for support right now was Tsuna. Honestly, how can anyone expect an eight year old to take on the weight of a full grown adult? Particularly someone as small and emotionally fragile as little Tsunayoshi…

Not to mention the fact she had been really fucking pissed with Nana after her betrayal.

Tsuna's revenge had been the quiet sort. She executes a well-practiced passive-aggressive technique; one which jars her victims emotionally, strikes them dead on in their sensitive parts, or simply leaves them utterly mind-blown. And yet she does it so discreetly, they never know it's happened until it's far too late.

It's like placing a bomb in someone's mind, but then handing over the trigger that sets it off.

Oh, how she enjoys watching them unwittingly self-destruct~. It's just fucking hilarious. And, not for the first time, she thinks about how sadistic her mind truly is. Heck, sometimes she even scares herself!

Anyways, Tsuna got her revenge on Nana in a most simple way.

Every day she would show her mother her finished homework, latest assignment, or newest test. No matter how trivial the work, she would thrust it under Nana's nose with a "Kaa-san, here's today test" or "I finished my homework". The true message left unsaid, but heard all the same…

Look Mother. Look at what your "No-good" son, the son you gave up on, is capable of.

The vindictive side of her was filled with mirth as she watched Nana's face twist and contort with guilt and shame, as well as relief and pride. There was also the ever blinding knowledge that Tsuna had not forgiven her. And that left her mother at an impasse, not knowing how to react or what to say.

Nana's reactions grew hollower and more defeated by the day. It only took a couple of weeks for Tsuna's thirst for revenge to be quenched. Yeah, she'd had her fun but now she was tired of looking at that desperate, emotionally crushed face of her mother's. She'd been prepared to forgive and move on…

But when she went had come home that day, Nana looked at her with dead eyes, a hand held out expectantly and she found it hard to stop... (Maybe she had a bit too much pride…)

Apparently, Nana wanted this punishment to continue on forever… And if Tsuna hadn't known better, she's say that Nana actually wanted to stay in her depressed state for the rest of her life. But she did know better, because what kind of brainless idiot would want to be unhappy? It's human nature to endlessly seek out happiness after all.

As time went on, it became clear that one of them had to raise the white flag… and it wasn't going to be Nana. No, she seemed rather intent on just laying down in No Man's Land and waiting for the end to come. Tsuna sure as heck wasn't going to apologise, especially when Nana didn't deserve an apology. But something's gotta give eventually.

So Tsuna sucked up her pride, strolled up to where her mother was sitting, staring blankly at the table and slammed an unfinished worksheet in front of her. "Kaa-san, help me with my Kanji homework." She demanded bluntly.

Yes, a demand not a request, because she was fucking tired of seeing a grown woman wallow in self-pity. (And then there's fact her reading and writing scores were still dragging her overall performance down, which was really starting to irk her… Damn country and their damn language.)

Nana stared at her for a time, obviously unable to believe it wasn't a dream. Tsuna stared back at her impassively, trying her hardest not to spout out a sarcastic comment like, "sometime this year would be nice." Instead she raised an eyebrow and gestured to the paper with an unspoken "Well?"

Slowly, like an old machine that requires time to warm up, Nana came back to life. Her actions were wary and deliberate, her words careful and unsure. Perhaps she was afraid of shattering this moment of peace. Or perhaps she still believed it was a dream.

Tsuna could only sigh inwardly at that.

As it turns out her mother did calligraphy in High School, and is a somewhat decent teacher. (Far better than any she has encountered in this country so far…)

…..

The six week Summer Holidays were a welcome change from the ever increasing monotony of school life.

The nickname "Cheating-Tsuna" was becoming quite popular recently. Well, it was a change from "Dame-Tsuna" at least. The children had changed tactics with their teasing too; choosing to ignore her existence entirely and then making a show of how they're pretend she's not there, like interrupting her when she talks and such (which defeats the purpose of their actions entirely).

Not that Tsuna particularly gives a crap. It's a hell of a lot more peaceful now, and she's glad for it.

Though she does miss the days when she could plug in her earbuds and drown out the rest of the world with music. It's almost funny how much easier it is to think with loud music drumming in her ears compared to the insufferable buzzing of human voices in the background.

Tsuna pisses her teacher off every time she answered correctly. He has it in his head that she's a bad student now. She finds this highly amusing.

Avoiding physical abuse at school was proving a tad more troublesome than anticipated… But it's nothing she can't handle. Mistrustful gazes still followed her mother wherever she went, to which Tsuna usually sent scurrying away with a glare. (Apparently, her burning amber irises were quite intimidating to an adult.)

But at least she can finally enjoy some peace and quiet at home during the holidays. And while she's at it, she may as well make a start on getting better acquainted with her mother… if only because they'll be living together for quite some time yet.

Of course, Tsuna doesn't really know much about Mother-Child "bonding activities" (having never done such things with either parent in her previous life). And lately Nana has been somewhat uncooperative; becoming more and more reclusive by the day.

If not for her mother's extreme over-protective tendencies, she'd hardly have known she was there at all…

They have been getting along reasonably well since Tsuna had made it clear she'd forgiven Nana, but still… Sometimes she had difficulty telling which one was the child and which was the adult here! Nana really needed to stop pretending everything was alright, that everything would just go back to how it was before, because it wasn't going to. Ever.

The Real Tsunayoshi was gone forever. Nothing would bring him back... And as much as her mother wishes it, the past cannot be undone. Things were different now and that was that.

So in the end it's all up to poor little Tsuna to look after and support his mother… Well, in the very least, Tsuna is stronger than Real Tsuna was. Hopefully she's strong enough.

In any case, summer melted away swifter than Tsuna would have liked and transformed into autumn. Even after six weeks absence, school still sucked balls…

She liked being at home with her heavily depressed (yet pretending not to be) mother.

The mother-son "bonding activities" included sitting together watching soap-operas, anime, and (surprisingly) Disney movies. Tsuna thought about getting Nana outside to do some gardening together (purely because she couldn't think of anything else they could do and the garden was looking pretty miserable) but couldn't come up with anything feasible to say.

Then there was the trip to the library. It had proven to be a mistake.

For no other reason than them having the unfortunate pleasure of running into this snobbish old woman who happened to be the number one gossip addict in town. She also happened to own a Chihuahua which Tsuna plans to maim sometime in the near future. (She'd bet all her money that Real Tsuna had a childhood trauma involving dogs.)

The rest of the holidays were spent indoors.

At that point Tsuna settled for helping her mother in the kitchen and around the house as "bonding activities". It sort of worked as Nana's smiles became less strained around her now. Though she still cries herself to sleep almost every night…

Tsuna pretends not to hear.

…

It'd been several months since Vanessa Smith died and woke up in the body of Sawada Tsunayoshi. By now, she figures, she's really starting to get used to this strange new world.

Then one day the universe just decides to throw her into the loop once again.

It started off fairly normally; she woke up from a light sleep at around dawn-ish, stared at the ceiling for a time, then got bored and went downstairs to see if Nana was awake and making breakfast yet…only to find her mother humming merrily and practically dancing around the kitchen.

Tsuna just stood there staring, and also musing over the idea that someone had swapped her Nana for the one in the anime.

Nana beamed brightly (seriously there were fucking flowers blooming in the background!) when she noticed Tsuna, "Ohayo Tsu-kun!" She swept over dragging her into a tight embrace, "Happy Birthday~!"

…Birthday?

Oh! Right… her Birthday… Tsuna's birthday was in October. She'd just forgotten the date. Now that she thinks about, Nana had asked her if there was anything she wanted a little while back…

"A-arigatou." She answered numbly, squeezing her mother back before being released.

When was the last time Tsuna had celebrated her Birthday? The Asylum just celebrated many birthdays at once every month. And her family… shit, she must have been about four or five when they last celebrated it together…

Though it kind of felt odd to celebrate her birthday on a different date, and being only eight— no, she's nine now isn't she? Ah well, better make the most of it anyways.

"Kaa-san?" Tsuna began as she slid into a seat. "Can I stay home today?" She didn't really feel like going to school on her birthday.

"Well…" Nana paused, somehow managing to look reluctant and hopeful at the same time.

"Please?" Tsuna tips her head to the side and blinks her adorably wide, watery eyes.

Nana melts, "Of course you can Tsu-kun!" (The puppy-dog eyes never fail~)

"Yay! Thank you Kaa-chan!" Tsuna squealed happily in her cutesy baby voice that always seemed to calm her mother down for some reason.

Her mother smiled brightly, placing a large stack of chocolate chip pancakes in front of her. Oh joy, looks like Real Tsuna had a sweet tooth… Even so, Tsuna smiled back a proceeded with the stomach churning, teeth rotting task of devouring her breakfast. She didn't really hate sweets; she just preferred her coffee bitter and her chocolate dark.

With that chore out of the way came the much more enjoyable task of opening presents!

Briefly she wondered when Nana had gone to get her these presents, but then again, maybe she just ordered them online or something? They had received some packages a few days ago. Oh well, doesn't matter.

Most of the brightly coloured parcels contained rather unimpressive, flimsy, boy-ish toys that Tsuna figured might have appealed to her if she actually was an eight-now-officially-nine year old boy. But she wasn't. She also wasn't a brat, so she smiled and politely pretended this heap of plastic wouldn't end up collecting dust in the back of her closet.

She did, however, get a brand new 3DS and an IPod, plus headphones. (She felt that headphones just fit Tsuna's image much better than earbuds. Plus they looked cool~)

Tsuna promptly scurried happily upstairs to deposit most her presents in her closet and start playing her new pokémon game. All the while, she had a very ominous feeling in the back of her mind as she registered that Nana was far too happy today. Happy to the point of it being creepy…

The feeling upset her so much that she ended up peeking downstairs every few hours just to check up on Nana.

The humming had progressed to singing as Nana waltzed around the kitchen apparently preparing lunch for about fifty odd people. Tsuna wondered if she was preparing dinner at the same time, or if she was to be expected to eat two seven course meals in one day…

…

Three gym badges and a bona fide banquet later, Tsuna had noticed Nana's good mood starting to dissipate. Oh, she tried to hide it, but when one is constantly glancing between the door, the phone and the clock, people tend to notice something is up.

Tsuna didn't have to have known Nana long to know why she had been so happy, or why she was starting to spiral down into a frantic anxiety.

She decides she didn't like the conclusion her mind had drawn. For the time being she ignored it and pretended she didn't notice the strain in Nana's smile. Instead, she opted to take her mother's mind off it by volunteering to help bake the cake.

It helped for a time. But then the cake was made, iced and decorated and there was nothing much else to do go ahead and dive into the dinner banquet.

Nana barely touches the food.

For some reason Tsuna felt very tense. She imagines this is how a soldier would feel just before he or she is sent out into battle. She then wonders why her mind came up with such an image. It doesn't forebode well. Not bothering to try finishing her food this time, she just pushes her plate away with a simple "I'm full."

Nana nods vaguely, eyes glued on hallway and finger tapping the tabletop. The tension in the air is so thick Tsuna thinks she can almost touch it.

A shrill wail cuts through the uncomfortable silence and Nana instantly dives for the phone with all the grace of a fierce jungle cat. "Iemitsu!" She cries into the receiver.

Of course it was fucking Sawada Iemitsu. The father she had yet to meet despite everything. And the father she had very little respect for. What can she say? She's very hard to please.

Maybe she's watched too many soap operas, but Tsuna can easily predict how this whole tragic conversation is going to play out and aptly tunes it out. Besides, there was a piece of cake with her name on it (literally) and it would be a waste of all that hard work not to eat it.

She chews mechanically for several bites before her mother calls, "Tsuna! Your father's on the phone!" A plastic smile evident in her voice.

"Hai." She answers without much enthusiasm and strolls lazily over to her.

Once the receiver was safely placed in Tsuna's hands, Nana excuses herself ad flees to the bathroom (probably to try and hide her tears).

Tsuna stares after her, the ominous feeling in the pit of her stomach beginning to build, and raises the phone to her ear. "…Hello Tou-san."

"Haha! How's my little Tuna fish!" An irritatingly goofy smile is evident in the voice on the other end.

Tsuna scrunches up her nose in distaste. He makes it sound like I'm a goddamn pet or something! "Don't call me that. I'm a human being, not a fish." She states plainly. There wasn't even a hint of whining or childish embarrassment in her voice.

She smirks, despite herself, at the stifling silence on the other end of the line.

The conversation with her father ended shortly thereafter. Tsuna honestly had nothing she wanted to say to the man over the phone, only "When are you coming home?" Not because she wanted him home, but because Nana really needed him here.

All she got was a "Papa is very busy." And some lousy cover story about construction sites in Antarctica.

Did he seriously think anyone would actually buy that bullshit?

…

When Tsuna knocked on the bathroom door and received no reply she began to worry just a little bit. All of a sudden the house felt far too quiet for her liking…

When Tsuna went back upstairs to change into her pajamas and heard the bathroom door opening, she relaxed slightly. But still couldn't bring herself to let her guard down.

When Tsuna walked into the kitchen looking for her mother she just froze. Her mind shrieking "Do something you twat!"

It's a horrible thing to witness a person force half a bottle of drugs down their own throat.

Nana didn't even notice her son was there until she flopped to her knees and the bottle of sleeping pills rolled up next to Tsuna's foot. She merely offered a weak watery smile, her dead eyes all but screaming "I give up…"

Clearly she had not expected her son to lunge forward and shove his fingers down her throat. And Tsuna was glad for it, if not remotely disgusted at having to watch Nana vomiting into the sink. It's a good thing Nana hadn't eaten much today, otherwise she might have had a little more difficulty making sure all the pills came up.

The retching continued for a while longer than Tsuna would have liked, but she didn't feel safe until Nana was spewing up nothing but liquid. Exhausted both physically and mentally Nana just collapsed onto the kitchen floor, leaving Tsuna to clean up after her.

As she does so, she frantically goes over what she should do if someone overdoses. Don't move them… But she should make sure her airway is clear… Is sleeping okay? She should have gotten all the pills but… Should she call an ambulance?

Common sense says yes. But a little voice in her head is telling her "no it's okay. Everything will be alright. Going to the hospital will just make things worse."

She's inclined to believe the little voice.

Maybe she's insane after all.

Nana shivers and lets out a choked sob jolting Tsuna out of her thoughts. She wipes her mother's face with a wet cloth then quickly fetches a pillow and blanket for her.

The barf smell was quite horrible, but leaving the window open to air it out would probably make her paranoid mother very uncomfortable… (If sleeping on the kitchen floor can be considered comfortable at all.) Instead, she rummages through the cupboards for some kind of air freshener.

The scented candles she finds almost make everything worthwhile.

Tsuna sets them up around the sink and on the floor away from Nana. For a time she just watches the wax melt, admiring the pretty faint orange glow in the dark room.

Reluctantly, she tears her gaze away and rushes upstairs for a blanket of her own, since she'll clearly have to camp out in the kitchen tonight… She makes a couple of trips, constructing a snug little nest in the corner, near enough to the phone should the need arise. On the last trip she pauses as her eyes land on the scruffy old teddy bear sitting innocently on the end of her bed.

She had only touched it once before and hadn't since. That teddy was probably Real Tsuna's one true friend… She could practically taste the bitter, lonely tears just by looking at it.

But for some reason she felt like holding it again…

One can only marvel at the sheer amount of comfort one can find in squeezing an inanimate plush toy tightly to their chest. So much more than a pillow or cushion… which is odd considering they're pretty much made of the same materials…

Still in a state of mild wonder, Tsuna settles down into her makeshift bed. The muted sobs and coughs that occasionally rack Nana's prone form are enough to reassure her that her mother's still breathing. Still, Tsuna doesn't sleep. She just sits watches and waits for dawn to come.

The candles warm glow is comforting, but the silence is stiflingly loud. Her new IPod is very much appreciated. (Even though she'd only dumped a pile of random songs chosen from various playlists, both Japanese and English, and hadn't had time to sort through them all.)

As the clock strikes twelve midnight she can't help but whisper sardonically, "Well, a happy fucking birthday to me."

Dun dun duuuun!

Thanks again to all those following and/or favourting! And thanks to Ash. The. Hag (it keeps removing your name for some reason, hence the spaces... did it do that in the last chapter...?) for reviewing, I'm glad you're liking the story so far~ :D

Wishing ya'll a happy new year, NyanNyan-suru