A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

So I just wrote what I knew from the beginning would be the hardest scene of this entire story, and it's done and I'm happy. To celebrate, I'm posting another chapter! :D Love you guys! Thanks for reading!

The bell rang to signal the start of third period, and Kendall waved at the coach who always covered his free time. He had a date with Lucy in the guidance counselor's office.

He'd barely slept, grimacing earlier that morning when he studied his face in the mirror. Dark circles under his eyes and an unhealthy pallor to his skin. Maybe Lucy would be okay with him sneaking off to catch an hour of sleep in his car instead.

Three steps outside the gym, his phone buzzed at his hip. Lucy, most likely. He rolled his eyes imagining her already wondering where he was and assuming he was avoiding her. He had a snotty greeting at his lips when he caught sight of the display.

It wasn't Lucy. It was Logan.

Neither he nor James had come to work today, and Kendall had spent most of the morning trying to block out images of them in bed together. He supposed they deserved one day to themselves after a year of yearning for this moment, but it didn't make the visions any less painful.

Bracing himself, because Logan was probably calling to thank him for pushing them together, Kendall answered as he walked. "Hey."

"Hi. This is your free period, right?"

"Yep. Taking a sick day today?"

"Yeah, I...needed some time to think."

That didn't sound like a man who'd just had the best night of his life. "About James?"

"Obviously. I'm kind of...I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which way to go."

"What kind of crossroads?" Kendall frowned. There shouldn't be any question about which road Logan should take. James was his destination.

Silence was Kendall's answer. He slowed his pace, realizing this might be a longer call than he'd anticipated and not wanting to have it in Lucy's office. "Logan?"

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"How did you know he was gay?"

"James? There were signs."

"Kendall, I was his best friend for a year and I didn't know. We spent almost every day together and I saw no signs. How the hell did you see it in a week?"

"Well, to be honest, it's not just me. I'm sure you've heard the rumors at school."

"You know those rumors aren't based in fact most of the time."

"Lucy saw it the second she met him."

"Lucy?"

Why was the word spoken with such venom? "Yeah. She told me last night that's why they fought the first time they met. Because she assumed he was gay and he freaked out. He wasn't ready to tell anyone."

"Okay fine, but that was a year ago. He's had an entire year to come out to me, Kendall. Me, the guy he was in love with. Why would he hide that from me?"

"Because he was scared. Not just of you, but the whole world. He's got a lot on the line with his career, and even though times have changed, it still impacts someone's career."

"His career? You mean as a teacher?"

"No, as a singer. A performer."

"I...didn't know he was still wanting to do that."

"Why else would he write songs?"

More silence before the soft reply. "He writes songs?"

Fuck. Kendall was just digging himself deeper, but how did Logan not know this? Had James really not shared this side of himself with the man he loved?

"Kendall, how do you know he writes songs?"

A stroke of genius flashed into his brain. "He told my mom. At the game. That he's still planning to be an artist and release music." That wasn't a lie, as his mother had shared that with him.

"Oh. So...more things he just never told me."

"Logan, please try to understand. He was terrified to come out."

"But why to me? Come on, Kendall, I'm his best friend! I'm the man he supposedly wants to spend his life with!"

"You are all of those things."

"So then why hide the most important parts of himself from me? I feel like I don't even know him!"

"Dude, it's because you're those things that he was so terrified to tell you. It would change everything and he couldn't stand to lose you."

"But I love him! He wouldn't have lost me!"

"He didn't know that! You were too important to take that risk!" Realizing he was getting strange looks from those he passed in the hall, Kendall lowered his voice. "His worst fear is losing you, you know that. Why didn't you ever tell him how you feel?"

"Because..."

When Logan trailed off, Kendall nodded. "Exactly. Because you were afraid to lose him, too. Logan...what happened after I left last night? I know you were both upset but I was hoping one of you would get the courage to admit your feelings."

"He did," Logan murmured.

"He did?" Even through the sadness that he'd officially lost what might have been the man of his dreams, Kendall smiled. "I'm so proud of him. So you guys are good, right? Everything's finally falling into place?"

"Well..."

Kendall halted just outside Lucy's office door, his stomach dropping. "Well what?"

"I...I was hurt. Angry. Because he's been lying to me from the start. But I have a right to be hurt!"

"You do, of course you do, but...Logan...you didn't...he's there with you right now, right?"

Logan paused. "He didn't show up today?"

"Oh my god. Logan, oh my god, tell me you didn't reject him." He'd called Lucy the night before. What if he'd been...?

"I told him I needed to be alone."

"Oh shit. Shit, Logan, where is he now?"

"I don't...I assumed he was there."

"Call him. Call him right fucking now and tell him that you want him. He probably spent the night alone thinking he'd never see you again and..." Kendall didn't want to think about how that might've gone.

"I do want him," Logan admitted. "I was just so hurt."

"I know. Tell him that, he'll understand. He just needs to know that you love him and he's not losing you. Please, Logan. Call him right now."

"You don't think..."

"You know him better than I do."

"Oh, fuck. Kendall, I gotta—"

"Go. And let me know he's okay."

The call was disconnected, Kendall pushing out a breath. What the hell was wrong with these two? He'd opened the door and set them both on the path and they still managed to get lost along the way.

Lucy greeted him with a smile that died when she noted his expression. "What now?"

Kendall shut the door and started pacing slowly. "I need you to call James. Put it on speaker."

"Why don't you call him?"

"Because I don't want him to know I'm worried about him. And he's probably on the phone with Logan anyway."

"So then...?"

"Lucy, please, just do it. Even if all we get is 'I can't talk right now', I need to hear his voice and know he's okay."

"What the hell is going on?"

Kendall's motion stopped as he spun to face her. "Logan rejected him last night."

"What?!"

Her outrage made him feel a little better about his own. "James came out to him and told him how he feels, and Logan sent him away."

Her shocked face matched the tone of her next question. "What the hell is wrong with them?"

"Right?! Just call him, because when he called you last night he was probably upset and now he feels like he has nobody. He lost Logan, he lost me, and he doesn't have anyone else."

"Shit." Rather than use the office phone, Lucy called from her cell and put it on speaker; he'd be more apt to ignore a call from the school.

"Thanks for calling, but you're about twelve hours too late."

They both breathed a sigh of relief at James' annoyed tone. "I'm sorry, James. I was out last night when you called and had things going on and...are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You didn't come in today."

"Yeah well...it's been a rough few days."

Kendall sank down in the chair across from Lucy and rubbed his face. The emptiness in James' tone tugged at his heart and made him want to run across town to hold him.

"Want to talk about it?" Lucy asked gently.

"No. I just want to forget everything."

"Is it Logan? Are he and Kendall more serious now?" She knew that wasn't the case, but it might get him talking.

"Logan and Kendall are done."

"Oh. That's...good, right?"

"It would be if Logan wasn't done with me, too."

"James, I'm sure you're—"

"Don't say I'm wrong, because I'm not. I did what you wanted. I told him how I feel. I told him everything."

Now James was getting choked up. It killed Kendall.

"And?"

"And I fucked up. He doesn't want to see me again."

Kendall shook his head so fast it made him dizzy and mouthed, "Not true."

"I'm sure he does, James. You're probably just reading too much into what he said. Why wouldn't he want to be with you? Is it because of Kendall?"

"No, it's because I lied to him for a year. It's all my fault. I just need to...step back and clear my head and...start over. Again."

Kendall didn't like the sound of that. "Did Logan call?" he whispered.

"Have you heard from Logan since?" Lucy tried.

"I'm not taking his calls. He said everything that needed to be said last night, and I know he's just calling to tell me we can't be friends. I can't bear to hear it. What? Sorry, Mom, the box of bathroom stuff is in that corner. Thanks."

Kendall's eyes widened. Mom? His mother was there? Oh, this really couldn't be good at all. "Why is Mom there?" Kendall hissed as quietly as he could.

"Did you say Mom? James...what's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Lucy. I wish I hadn't been such a dick to you a year ago, we wasted a whole year that we could've been friends. You were right then, I should've just come out, but I was stupid and scared and...now it's cost me everything. I'm moving back home."

Kendall shot out of the chair, unable to keep from blurting, "No."

Lucy waved a hand to shush him. "No," she echoed. "That's the coward's way out. You're not a coward, James, you're one of the bravest people I know."

"I'm shit, Lucy. I hurt my best friend, and I chased away a perfectly wonderful guy that could've been everything I need, and I even...well, never mind. He doesn't matter. I fucked up and I'm going home and I'm going to be a better person from now on."

That was it. Kendall opened his mouth to speak, not caring if James was mad that he was listening in because what he had to say was more important than whatever hissy fit James might throw.

"Sweetheart? Someone just knocked at the door."

The female voice came through loud and clear, both Lucy and Kendall staring at each other across the desk with hope in their gazes.

"I'm not really in the mood for company."

"It's probably the landlord, he said he would come up and do a final walkthrough with you before we left."

"Fuck," James muttered. "Lucy, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll text you when I get back home, maybe we can at least still talk here and there. Thanks again for being a friend. I'll send in my resignation tomorrow."

"Dude...Logan loves you. I know he does. Please give him a chance to apologize before you run."

"Bye, Lucy."

"Oh my god," Kendall breathed once the call ended. "Oh my god, that better be Logan at the door."

"What if it's not?"

"I'm gonna wait about fifteen minutes and then call him. If it is him, I don't want to interrupt. This is hell. James is leaving? He's fucking leaving?"

"He thinks nobody wants him."

"And that's partly my fault, but dammit Logan, you were supposed to be there to catch him. Why are they so stupid?"

Lucy sat back in her chair and put her feet up on the desk. "What are you gonna do if it's not Logan?"

"I'll go over there. I'm not letting the asshole leave. There's no way in hell." When Lucy's answer was a knowing smirk, he glared. "For Logan's sake."

"Sure. You uh...contacted him yet? Online?"

"No, of course not. That's done."

"I'm just saying, if you have no other choice, I bet Rush could talk him into staying."

Kendall closed his eyes and bit his lip. He'd bet Rush could, too.

Logan thought he had the wrong apartment when a woman answered the door. "Oh, sorry, I—" No, this was definitely the right one; he'd been here a million times. "I'm looking for James?"

Hazel eyes that were a match to James' narrowed. "Would you be the boy who broke my son's heart?"

"Oh god," Logan sighed, lowering his head. That was why she looked familiar. He'd wondered if the day would ever come that he met Brooke Diamond, and had in fact dreaded it after recalling her interviews during James' time on "National Pop Star." The woman was a force to be reckoned with.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He stood up straighter, remembering something James had once said about how his mother respected those who didn't cow to her. "Yes. Hello. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"I've heard plenty about you over the past year. Should have guessed that my son was gay, the way he gushed over you."

Logan blinked in shock. He'd told his mother? He was terrified of his mother. "Is he here?"

She stepped back. "He's in his bedroom gathering up the last of his shoes. He has so many. Don't keep him long, I'd like to be on the road in an hour."

After nodding automatically, because to disagree with Brooke was to take your life into your own hands, Logan entered the apartment. His breath stopped when he noted that it was empty other than boxes stacked around the room and the furniture that had been present when James moved in. "No," he managed.

"Go on. I'll give you two privacy."

By the time Logan made it to the bedroom, terror to a degree that even the fear of Brooke couldn't inspire had him hyperventilating. James was bent down reaching for something in the closet. "James."

It was barely more than a whisper, but James heard it. He spun around in surprise, feelings written all over his face before he could smooth it over into a mask of disinterest. "I thought you were at work."

"I thought you were. Where are you going?"

He shrugged, resigned as he answered. "Home."

"This is your home."

"No. This was just a rest stop along the way." Now James stood, taking a deep breath. "I'm glad you came over. I'm sorry I ignored your calls, but I was afraid if I talked to you, I'd just break down and say stupid shit. But this way I at least get to see you one more time and thank you for the kindness that you showed me. No one's ever been nice to me like that before without wanting something in return."

"I did want something."

"But you didn't think you'd ever get it and you were still nice to me anyway. Because you actually liked me. I'll never understand why, I'm such a dick most of the time."

"Because of your heart. I loved your heart."

"Most people think I have no heart."

"Most people haven't been lucky enough to see it." Logan hesitantly approached, closing the distance between them until he could place his palm flat against James' chest. "You showed it to me and I couldn't look away."

James fought the storm of emotion raging to get out. "I just kept the most important thing from you."

"It really was a big deal, you know."

"I know. So big a deal that I was scared."

"You don't ever need to be scared with me, James. I'm always going to accept you, even when I'm mad at you."

"You didn't last night."

"I just needed time. I needed to process everything. It hurt a lot that you couldn't trust me. Especially when you told me Lucy knew."

"You are jealous of her."

Logan shrugged. "I'm jealous of anyone that gets close to you."

James swallowed and looked away. "We're even on that."

Now the other hand joined the first so that Logan could run both up James' chest until they met behind his neck. "There's a reason for that, you know." It was clear that James was fighting to keep his hands to himself. Using his thumbs, Logan caressed the sides of his neck. "It's called love."

"I loved you from the moment you sat me down at your table and served me orange chicken."

Logan smiled softly. "We're even on that, too. You were right last night. We shouldn't throw something like this away just because I was hurt. What we have...it's more than a moment in time. It's more than your sexuality or your fear."

"It's everything," James whispered, unable to stand staring into Logan's eyes anymore because he didn't trust himself to keep his distance.

"It's everything," Logan echoed, and finally after more than a year of wondering, he knew what James' lips tasted like.

That was too much to fight. The second their lips met, James' hands moved up to cradle Logan's face so that he could kiss him harder. Logan seemed surprised by the aggression but allowed it, knowing James had been holding in these feelings as long as he had.

"So I take it all of this packing was a waste of time?" a voice drawled from the doorway.

They both laughed, embarrassed at being caught. Logan's lips were slightly swollen in a way that James found delicious. "Sorry, Mom. Plans just changed."

Still staring up at James, Logan commented, "It doesn't have to be a waste of time. You practically live at my place anyway. Why not make it official?"

James' breath caught. "Are you serious? You want me to move in?"

"We've already wasted a year. I don't want to lose any more time."

The sheer happiness on James' face filled Logan's heart with warmth. "I promise I'll share the blankets."

"Why start now?" Logan teased. He spun around and approached Brooke. "Hi, I don't think we've officially met. I'm James' boyfriend. Logan."

She nodded slowly, admiring his newfound confidence. "I'll need a new address to give the movers."

"And I'll need to make room for the mountain of clothes and shoes in my closet."

James bit his lip. "Sorry about that."

Logan grinned back at him. "Don't be sorry. You're worth it."