My life sucks. This is what I've realized in the last twenty-four hours. I thought I was super smart and had my shit together, but no. Not really.
In between crying and googling "hairless cats," I've spilled to my dear friend Alice how I dumped Edward and was almost in love with him after many weeks of very unprofessional texting. She has said nothing and is now staring at me in shock. And lots of disgust.
"You what?" Alice finally asks. Well, it's more of a shriek if you want to get technical. I don't have the energy to, because now I'm basically a loner slash recluse slash future cat lady. I'd already have "Hobbes" and "Fitzwilliam" on my lap if I wasn't petrified of aggravating my allergies, and could bring myself to move from the couch. I wonder if Amazon delivers cats by drone yet?
"You heard me. I'm not sobbing that hard."
"I know. It was rhetorical. You are a total mess, but your enunciation is better than your face."
"Shuddap," I mumble.
"Well that was unclear, but I can get the gist from context and the rude gesture."
"I'm not in the mood for sarcasm. Or anything really. I quit everything."
"I get why you're upset. But what in the name of all that's holy made you break up with Edward? Especially when you just admitted you were practically in love with him. When we were pushing you to take your relationship to another level, we meant to like bone him or something good like that. "
"It wasn't a break up if he wasn't really my boyfriend. I told you that I thought we were more, but he was paying for a service. It was wrong of me to want him."
"Oh my god, Bella. This is so not a problem. No one cares that you met through work. Seriously everyone meets through work."
"Who meets through work?" Rosalie asks, walking in. "My mom met her new boy toy at work." I watch her surveying the scene - I'm in yesterday's clothes surrounded by empty ice cream tubs and a wine box. In contrast, she's fully made up and most likely clean."What the frack happened here? Did the Internet break?"
"Nope. Just my cold, dead, heart."
"Bella dumped Edward. That's why she looks homeless and never came out of her room last night," Alice says, then breaks into song. "Laaaast night...Bella said she feels so down...she broke it off...and she just won't wash...See Edward just don't understaaaand..."
I throw the first thing within my grasp (a partially eaten burrito) at her head to stop butchering that song. I might have to toss out my Strokes tee like I had to stop listening to Adele after a heinous version of Hello which she turned into a song about her particularly stinky poo. Yes, Alice, I will stay outside...because it smells like something died.
Yeah. That happened.
"Are you serious? I thought they were phone sexing and she got worn out from all the...you know...hand action."
"Nope. She's convinced that their relationship was fake and she was saving herself from heartbreak." Alice moves to the other couch, seemingly to get away from my throwing range. I am fairly unathletic, so she's safe.
"Yeah. I can see that was a great idea. For a genius, she's pretty dumb." Rose tosses her backpack on the floor and joins us.
"Right? Too bad love isn't some code thingy she can program."
"I love how my best friends are supporting me in my hour of need. Way to pump up my confidence. It doesn't matter anyway. I'll never love again. And don't you dare sing another song," I say when she looks like she's about how to break into another Alice jam.
"I had a really good one, too. Anyways, that was almost as dramatic as Jasper and Emmett at an audition. By the way, did I tell you that Jasper got a call back for that constipation commercial?"
"Oh my god, really?" Rose gushes. "What a great opportunity. Emmett was so bummed about losing that penile enlargement spot. I told him he should be grateful that the director didn't believe he had the range to play a small-dicked guy."
I groan. While I'm glad they're off of my nonexistent love life, I really don't want to hear about how effectively Jasper can act like he's literally full of crap or about Emmett's giant wang.
They both look over at me, seemingly annoyed that I've interrupted their conversation with my misery.
"Okay, Miss Love'em and Leave 'em. I can see you and smell you over there - honestly you need a shower - growing more emo by the second. Let's just get this out of the way right now. Text him right now and tell him you fucked up."
"Yes. Right now. Better yet, call him and express your undying love," Alice adds.
"Are you two not getting it? This whole thing was one-sided. You know what our job is. Do you two fall in love with all your clients? I was just an idiot who got caught up in the whole thing. From now on I'm going to stick to the tech side of things. I'll have plenty of time since I'm never going to have a boyfriend."
I wonder if Amazon can add on a vibrator to my cat order?
My two friends exchange worried glances. They seem to be trying to communicate something to each other. Or maybe they're also going to audition for Jasper's crap commercial.
"Umm, Bella? We have something to tell you," Rose says quietly.
"I don't really want to hear anything about how someday I'll find the right person. I'm obviously delusional and seeing fake relationships and turning them real. Maybe I can audition for the Bachelor. I'd fit right in."
"It's not that," Alice adds, looking at her phone and then standing up. She looks over at Rose. "Jasper texted me nine-one-one. I need to call him. It might be about this."
"How the hell would your boyfriend know about this?" I ask. They exchange looks again. "What the actual fuck is happening that I don't know about?"
I can tell something isn't right here. These two are entirely too serious. Normally they'd have joined me with some wine and pulled up a break-up quiz from Buzzfeed on their phone for me to do. Alice is sort of rocking back and forth like she's deciding something...or needs to pee.
"Don't you dare walk out of here to call your boyfriend, Alice. You are both going to spill it right now."
"Bella, we love you," Rose starts. "And we knew you were lonely."
"And we found someone who was perfect for you and wanted to date you...but you didn't want to date them."
"Every time you start a sentence with 'Bella we love you,' I know I'm screwed."
"We do love you. But you'll see we really had a perfect man for you that already liked you, by the way, and you refused him."
"That doesn't make sense. You never introduced me to anyone. You just kept trying to make me go out with Emmett and Jasper's friend-" Here I stop and pieces start clicking into place. "Edward is their friend," I gasp. "But how...Did you get him to sign up just to mess with me? Oh my god...I feel sick."
"No! No...it wasn't a joke. It was all real," protests Alice. She tries to grab my hand that's flailing around. "I swear it was real. We wanted to get you guys together."
"Great fucking job." I'm starting to hyperventilate. I can feel the wine...and probably the burrito I ate at two am, coming up.
"Listen, Edward never thought that he was signed up for the app. He thought we were setting you two up to get to know each other. We made up a scenario that would explain why he was only texting you. We told you he was a client because you refused to meet him, and we knew he was perfect for you," Rose says, her voice pleading.
"I feel sick."
"You don't look great," offers Alice. I glare at her. "Sorry. Too soon." She waves her hand in apology.
"Yeah. Insulting my appearance is what you should apologize for right now." I try not to barf everywhere. I feel retched from this whole conversation. And probably from the crap I ate last night. Let's be real.
"We're really sorry things turned out this way," Alice says. "We meant well."
"Sure. I can see how giving a guy my number and telling me that he was only interested in a made up girlfriend would be a great love connection scenario. Did you get the idea from one of those Hallmark movies?"
"No...but did you see the one-"
I stare at her with my mouth agape. "You are shitting me now with this? Wait, did you also want to tell me how Jasper has an audition to be generic love interest number two in their Valentine's rom com?"
"It's the brother in 'Countdown to Love 2: The Wedding,' " she whispers.
"Aaahhh!" I scream in frustration. "That's it. Both of you cunts out of my house. I'd fire both of you for fraud if I could."
"Wait...Bella, we're sorry. We promise to fix this. We're going to talk to the guys and come up with a plan-"
I interrupt Alice before she can piss me off anymore. "You and Rosalie are done planning, unless it is for new jobs and a new best friend. Everything is done and it's over."
"But, Bella. Really there's a simple solution," Rosalie chimes in.
"I've already said the c-word and eaten enough dairy to give me the runs until Easter. I can't take anymore of your help. I don't want to hear it."
I know these two will probably do something stupid to try to make it up to me, but I just can't with this right now.
It hurts.
And I don't mean just the lactose problems.
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AN: Sorry this took so long. In the interest of getting this to you as soon as I finished it, it is unbetaed. All mistakes and poor choices are mine.