"Edward?" I hear my mom ask through the speaker of my phone. I mentally sigh because if she heard me making irritated noises at her I'd be in big trouble. I've barely recovered from the last guilt trip. Last lunch I had over there she wore a t-shirt with my baby picture on it with the words "twenty hours of labor and he's the one groaning." My dad is no help. He surely doesn't want her showing up at the hospital with a t-shirt with his face on it.
"Of course, Mother. No one is allowed to answer my phone. Not that I have anyone I care about to answer it. Or whatever."
I hear her sigh. Like she cares if I hear her. "As much as I love being the only lady in your life, you really need a lady friend, Edward. You're grouchier than ever. I'm worried about you."
"I don't need any ladies, Mom. I've sworn off women."
"Ugh. Please don't tell me you're going to be like your cousin Aro. He's a mess."
"He's a priest, Mom."
"Like I said."
I roll my eyes because she can't see them. "What's happening over there?" I ask, trying to get off the subject. I don't want to talk about what happened last week anymore. I love my mom, but I really don't want to rehash my recent breakup, or mind fuck, as I'm prone to calling it. I just started showering without being thrown into the bathroom by Emmett. He was sick of my funk in more ways than one.
"Nothing is going on here. I'm just planning a little lunch for you. You know, to get you out of your depression. Your father wants to put you on meds, but I know what's best for my beautiful boy."
"I know your idea of 'a little lunch.' I said no more introductions, Ma. I'm...getting over my last...er, girlfriend. I don't want anyone else. I mean, to meet anyone new."
"Oh, Edward. Of course I'm not going to introduce you to anyone new. This is just to make you feel better, so I can feel better."
"Right. That's what you said last time, then you brought out a folder of eight-by-tens of all your friends' daughters that were under thirty."
"You scoff now, mister. But I know what my sweet baby boy likes."
Jesus. She needs to get a life. Or some more kids. I keep telling her to adopt Emmett and Jasper because they need guidance. And I need a fucking break from her smothering.
"Your sweet twenty-four year old baby needs to go now. I have class."
"Lunch. Friday. I'll have your favorite there," she sings. "You can bring those two boys with you. They probably need food."
"I'm pretty busy, Ma."
"You know, did I tell you about the new neighbor's daughter? Her mom said she was taking her to get her face waxed tomorrow. Since you're too busy to visit, maybe I can take her over to your house. Or maybe to your afternoon class on Thursday."
"Geez. Okay. I'll be there Friday. Just no introductions. I can't take anymore." Her blackmail is so subtle, she doesn't even need to say the words.
"You'll thank me later. With beautiful grandchildren. Love you, Snuggle Monster."
Dear lord. I'm so lucky I don't have a mental complex or live in their basement with a blow-up doll. "Bye, Smother."
I hear her giggle. She loves that she has a "special name."
She wouldn't be so thrilled with some of the other thoughts I've had about her meddling.
I know my dad is thrilled she's all up in my shit and gives him space. It's how they've stayed together all these years. That, and my mom still looks like she's thirty and can cook like a chef. I really don't want to think about the other ways she makes him happy because that might send me over the edge. I've learned to block out the noises I've heard from their room all these years.
Because of her good looks, everyone thinks that my dad does work on her, but she's just blessed. Our genes are just good I guess. It works for my dad, because either people think he's that great of a cosmetic surgeon because she looks so young and natural, or he's just got a hot trophy wife.
One time while we were at lunch, a waiter thought she was my girlfriend. My mom thought that was the best thing ever. The nightmare still haunts me and almost put me into full therapy. The sad thing is that she's now the closest thing I have to a woman in my life.
"That's fucking depressing," I say out loud to no one. That's also fucking depressing that I'm usually alone.
"Your abs are depressing. But don't be so hard on yourself. You had a minor setback, now it's time to get back to work," Emmett says. I guess he walked in when I was talking to my mom. "Your potbelly will lessen in time. The muffin top might be harder."
"Fuck off. I don't have either. Just because I don't want to be shirtless on a bad romance novel cover doesn't mean I'm a fat-ass."
"Those covers pay bank, dude. Don't knock it."
"Whatever, Fabio. Anyway, my mom invited you and Jasper to lunch Friday. I guess she wants to cheer me up. Though if she really wanted me happy, you two wouldn't be there."
"Ouch. And Fabio had a fucking decent career, so don't talk shit. You're just getting bitter because you're not exercising. You need the endorphins because you sure as shit aren't getting any sexercise." He then proceeds to simulate what I presume are his sex moves. Poor Rosalie.
"Who's not exercising or getting sex? Edward?" Jasper asks as he walks in. "I noticed his ass is getting droopy and he's fucking grouchy."
I groan. My friends are really too in tune to my body. "Great. I have a beer belly and a shitty attitude. Lucky for me I'm going to be celebate."
"Will you please let us fix whatever happened with Bella? She's really a great person and she'd be perfect for you. We know we all fucked up," Jasper says.
"I'm not really angry at any of you anymore. I'm...over it."
"But you're not over her."
"There is no 'her.' That was all fake. It was a job to her, and not to me. Whatever. Let's move on."
They both share a look that makes me feel even more pathetic.
"Edward."
"Fuck and no. End of story. Your days of meddling are over."
"All right. No more getting involved. Let's do some cardio, Jasper. If we're going to eat at Mrs. Cullen's, we need to burn some calories. I'm still paying for that lasagne I ate last time. My best jeans are feeling a bit snug."
"I know! I get so bloated. I think it's all the cheese."
Never mind about my mom being the only lady in my life. Apparently my two best friends are women.
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Friday rolls around too quickly. I'm swamped with work now that the semester is ending. Finals are just around the corner. I know I'm acing all my classes, but I really want to be top of my class so I over-prepare for everything.
I guess there is a small benefit of not having anyone to take up my time. I can obsess about my grades without worrying about ignoring my girlfriend.
Although, Jasper and Emmett seem to be handling their jobs and girlfriends quite well with their school schedule. They're supposed to graduate with honors, too. Though I don't think A's in "advanced facial expressions" should count the same as advanced tax law.
Truth is, they have a much more well-rounded life than I do. They have friends, go out and meet people, and successful careers ahead. And they get laid regularly.
Me, not so much. I have a "smother" and a shit ton of law books. I don't even "bang my gavel" anymore. Maybe I should meet my mom's neighbor.
I shudder. I might be at rock bottom, but I can't go there.
I sigh as I pull into my parents' driveway. Jasper and Emmett aren't here, but there is a strange car in the driveway which makes me panic. That lady promised me she wouldn't introduce me to any more women.
This is going to suck. I bet it's hairy-faced neighbor girl. I think about turning around and going home, but I sack up and just walk in the house. It's better to get it over with and leave as soon as possible.
"Okay, Mom," I mutter as I walk into the living room. "Who did you want to introduce me to?"
My mother, who was speaking to a woman on the couch when I entered, looks at me with annoyance then her expression changes to a smirk as she glances at the woman. The woman gasps and stands. Geez, I wonder what crazy stories momma bear has already filled her head with before I even got here? It's actually too bad that my mom's guest must have a laundry list of issues, based upon the fact that my mother selected her, because from behind she looks super hot.
"Oh my schmoopie, I promised no introductions, and your mommy doesn't lie. I believe you already know my guest...Isabella Swan?"
Fuck me sideways. She's here.
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A/N: Sorry. it's been a while. But we're almost done here. Based upon my writing speed, I'm predicting a complete story by the time the next Star Wars movie comes out.
This story is unbeta'd, so be kind. This is what happens when you type up stuff on your phone in the parking lot.