A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Happy Monday! Hope you guys are all having a wonderful start to your week. :D This chapter consists of only a conversation between James and Lucy, but it gives a bit of insight to James' feelings. I'm hoping it isn't too boring! Next chapter will have more character interaction haha.

"The machine was out of Coke! Got you a root beer instead!"

James jumped out of his skin when Lucy called to him from across the gym. "Jesus, Lucy, could you warn me?"

"What, you didn't hear the door slam behind me? What's going on with you, you've been in lalaland ever since you got here tonight."

"This gym is creepy when it's empty, okay?" He reached up for the cold can she held out once she neared. "I'm almost done filling in this last sign."

"Cool! Then we can get to hanging. The janitor said he'd bring over the ladder in about ten minutes."

"Great." After completing the last letter of "Christmas" with an orange marker, James sat back against the wall and cracked open his root beer. "Only you would go with a 'Nightmare Before Christmas' theme for a school dance. Isn't it a little late in the year for that?"

"Never too late for that. Want some cookies?"

James' interest perked up. "What kind?"

"Grandma's. I've got fudge and peanut butter."

The word "grandma" made him look away. "Tough choice. I'll go with fudge."

"Somehow I knew you would."

"If you make a fudge packer joke I swear I'll—"

"Oh my god, relax, I just meant because you love chocolate! Why are you so edgy tonight?"

"I'm not."

"You are! You're either lost in your head or jumping down my throat. We're taking a break here, now just try to relax and talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Your tense posture says there is."

"Maybe it's just that I think a Christmas dance should have things like snowflakes and jingle bells instead of pumpkins and...whatever the hell that's supposed to be."

"It's Zero, the ghost dog. Didn't you ever see the movie?"

"No."

"Well, we're fixing that ASAP. And don't make fun of my signs. I worked hard on them."

"I know," James sighed, feeling guilty for letting his mood spill out in the form of insults. Logan had brought to his attention that he did that and it was something that shamed him when he was aware of it. "They're actually pretty good. You have artistic talent I didn't know about."

"Thanks," Lucy smiled. "Jo loves it when I draw for her. I'm fantastic at nudes."

"Things I don't need to know," James reminded her, but he was smiling as well. Chocolate always helped.

"So have you met the new shop guy yet?"

"Nah. I pretty much stay in my domain or the math department. Or the lounge, of course. Why are you so determined that we get along with him?"

"I just want him to feel welcome. It's hard enough starting at a new job, but to be openly gay on top of it...well, never mind. You wouldn't know what's that like."

"I started here at one point, you know."

"Not as an openly gay teacher. If I remember correctly, when I brought up your sexuality you ran out of my office screaming like a little girl being chased by cooties."

"Why are you and Logan so hell-bent on getting us to come out?"

"Because we want you to be happy. I swear, that's all it is."

"Would we really be happy without our careers?"

"I think you're both overreacting about that. Some of the students have figured out that you and Logan are dating and they don't care."

"Their futures are in my hands. It's better for them to not make waves."

"Not all of them are your students."

"That's not even the point. It doesn't matter what the students think. What does the general public think? They're the ones that are going to make or break my success."

Lucy bit her lip, wondering if she should just keep quiet about it but finally stating what was on her mind; James was already in a mood, might as well go for it. "I think you really hurt Logan's feelings today when you said your dream is all that keeps you going."

Just as she'd expected, his gaze dropped away so that he could fidget with a tear in his jeans. "I know. I didn't mean it like that."

"But you said it. So...how much truth is there in that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...are you happy? With Logan?"

"Of course I'm happy. I finally have what I wanted forever."

"And is it everything you thought it would be?"

"Yes." The word was bitten out as if warning Lucy not to press the issue. "It's everything I wanted."

"Good. If that ever wasn't the case, you know you can talk to me about it, right? We're still under confidentiality rules."

"Everything's fine." James sipped at his soda, still not meeting her eyes.

"Okay. Great. You done with your cookie?"

"Yeah." He passed her the empty wrapper. "Thanks."

"Logan asked if we want to get together with them after the movie for ice cream. I figure we've got about two more hours of this, which is perfect timing because that's when Jo gets off. You down?"

James shook his head. "Not tonight."

"Come on, you love ice cream. And you didn't even really get dinner."

"Not true, Logan fixed tacos before he left. If you guys want to go, that's fine. I'll just head home."

Lucy watched James stand up and dust off his jeans as if he'd been sitting on sand. There it was in his posture again—something was definitely on his mind. "Is it Kendall?"

"Is what Kendall?"

"Is that why you never want to go to the movies anymore?"

"Logan and I go on Sundays now instead. They deserve alone time, too. One of my fears when they were dating was that Kendall would always be there and I'd never get time alone with Logan anymore. So I try to respect that and give them their...friend time."

"That's good. It's a level of maturity that shows you've grown a lot. Do you ever get jealous? Worry that they might...you know. Fall back into that dating thing?"

"I don't, actually. They had the chance and both decided it wasn't going to work. Well, I mean...Logan didn't decide that, but he admitted that he was only dating Kendall to try to get over me. And Kendall said Logan was missing..."

"What?" she asked when he trailed off, looking like he was deep in thought.

"Something. Logan was missing something he needed."

"What was that?"

The crack of the heavy gym doors opening distracted them. "Hey, guys, sorry it took so long to get this over here! The boys' bathroom in the English building was a wreck. Who's got time to stand there and write all over a wall all day?"

"Poets who don't show up to class," Lucy answered. "Thanks, Chuck."

"No problem. Oh hey, Nightmare Before Christmas! I love that movie! Look at that, you got pumpkins hanging next to Christmas trees on that wall."

"Yeah," Lucy grinned. "Spent the past two weeks making those pumpkins. Papier-mache isn't nearly as fun as it sounds."

"It doesn't sound fun at all," James pointed out.

Lucy nudged him. "Shut up and go take the ladder from him."

James followed instructions, blocking out the sound of Lucy and Chuck conversing while he set up the ladder so that he could hang the first sign high up on the wall above the pumpkins and trees. He was working on the second one when Lucy spoke to him again; he'd not even noticed that Chuck was gone. "What was Logan missing?"

The question threw him for a second, but he recovered quickly. "How should I know? It was between them."

"I'm sure Logan told you. I want that one a little more to the right. Maybe a foot? Yeah, right there. Tell me what Logan didn't have that Kendall needed."

"Who knows? Kendall's a fucking moron to pass up what he could've had in Logan. I've never felt so loved and accepted as I do with him."

"Never?" Lucy wanted to know.

There was a flash of a face in his mind, so brief that James was able to ignore it. That face didn't belong to the person on the other end, anyway. "Never. Logan's perfect."

"Well, for you maybe. He's got a little too much dick for my taste."

James rolled his eyes and then climbed down the ladder for the third sign she was holding out. "How are you the girl in the group but you're more crass than the rest of us combined?"

"Oh, like you don't have a dirty mind. I'm sure the things you say in bed to Logan would make even me blush." The way he practically ripped the sign from her grip told Lucy she'd hit a sore spot. "Or...not."

"Our sex life is none of your business. Want this one on that wall?"

"Yeah, near the entrance I think." Rather than yell across the large space, Lucy followed him to the other side of the gym. "So your sex life is lacking?"

"That's not what I said. I'm not discussing this with you."

"Fine. That door is always open, though, okay?"

"Yes, you've only told me that about a million times. I think I get the point, Lucy."

"Okay. I'll just go over there and—"

"Can I ask you a really super personal question?"

Lucy spun back, having already turned away. James was halfway up the ladder, one hand resting on the top of it and his face clouded with...something. Indecision? Fear? "Of course you can."

"How often do you and Jo have sex?"

"Uh...pretty much every chance we get?"

James nodded as if he'd expected that answer. "And that's normal, right? For new couples to be all over each other like dogs in heat?"

"Well, I'm hoping it isn't just because it's new and that it lasts, but sure. Totally normal. Oh my god, Logan's a nympho, isn't he? That's why you've been looking so tired lately, he won't let you get any sleep because he has to have it like five times a night, why didn't you tell me this?!"

After stepping down to the floor, James gave her a look of disbelief. "You really do have a terrifying imagination."

"Oh. So then...it's you? You're the nympho?"

"No one is a nympho," James replied slowly, placing emphasis on each word. "Trust me, we don't even come close to five times a night. Hell, I'd be happy with five times a month."

Ah. Now they'd hit on the problem. Lucy had known they'd get there eventually. "So he uh...isn't much into sex?"

"It's not like he doesn't enjoy it when it happens. He seems to."

"Okay. Do you?"

"Duh. It's sex, what's not to like?"

"Could be a lot of things, actually. Maybe he's rough and you don't like it."

James erupted with a snort of amusement. "Yeah, that's definitely not the case."

Lucy's lips twitched around her teeth as she debated how to handle this; she didn't want James to shut down again. Finally she stopped him from moving the ladder, taking his hand and leading him to the wall. "Sit down with me. Let's talk."

"I'm not going to talk to you about my sex life."

"You already are. Come on." She gave him no choice, dragging him down as she got comfortable on the floor. She waited until he'd settled down to give him a verbal nudge with, "Is he not rough enough?"

"I...it's...no. He's perfect. He's everything I want in a man."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course. Sex is just a small part of a relationship. If I had to choose between great sex and Logan, I'd choose Logan every time."

Lucy let that sink in, because it told her everything she needed to know. "What if you didn't have to choose?"

"What?"

"What if you didn't have to? What if there was a guy who could give you what Logan does and great sex?"

"Impossible. Nobody can give me what Logan does."

"Which is what, exactly? What's so great about Logan?"

"Everything. He loves me."

"And do you think nobody else could love you?"

"Please, have you met me? I'm a mess."

"That doesn't mean nobody else would love you."

"I think it does. Logan needed me and I needed Logan. That's why we're together, we need each other. He was lonely. I was...alone. He showed me what it's like to love someone. To open my heart."

"So he was your teacher, in a sense?"

"I don't know. All I know is that we love each other and we're happy and if I only get sex once a week, it's a small price to pay for that happiness. A lot of couples don't even have sex that often."

"But do those couples miss it as much as you do? I mean, how is the sex between you? And don't tell me that's too personal, we're already way past that."

James sighed; that was exactly what he'd been about to say. "The sex is fine. We both get off. What more is there?"

Lucy shrugged. "There's mental satisfaction. Feeling satiated."

"That sounds like a Logan word that I don't know the meaning of."

"It's like having your thirst quenched," Lucy laughed. "Or your hunger satisfied. Sex is about more than physical pleasure. Do you two have sex like a couple that's been married for forty years, or is it that all-consuming passion like you feel as if you'll die without touching each other?"

Again, there was that face flashing through his mind. James quickly dismissed it. "Sex is sex."

"No, sex is not sex. Be honest with me. In your fantasies, what does fake Logan do that the real Logan doesn't?"

"I don't know," James answered, uncomfortable and staring at his shoes with red cheeks. "I think I just have a warped idea of what sex should be. He's the normal one."

"Tell me."

"Just...stupid shit. I um...I wouldn't mind if he was a little...more aggressive. Maybe lost control once in awhile. Acted as if...well, like you said. Like he'll die unless he can touch me. It just feels like I'm always the one in the mood. He does enjoy it, like I said. Once we get there, anyway. He just doesn't...crave it like I do. And when we do do it, it's very..."

"Tame?"

"Methodical. Almost like...planned out? God that sounds stupid, I'm not explaining it right."

"No, I think I get it. How often does he just randomly drop to his knees and blow you in the kitchen?"

"See, that's what I'm talking about! There's none of that. Ever. I've tried a few times and it's always 'Babe, I have to get dinner in the oven' or 'Babe, we're running late' or even 'Not on the counter.' Like...would it kill him to just do something spontaneous for a change? Is it so horrible to want me bad enough to fuck me over the back of the couch when company's due to show up in five minutes? Fuck work. Fuck sleep. Fuck responsibilities. Just once, can't he fuck me instead?"

James' heaving chest and angry eyes were a welcome sight. Finally he was talking about his feelings instead of bottling them up. "Have you told him how you feel?" she asked softly. "That you need a little more excitement in the bedroom? Or...anywhere else in the apartment?"

"No." Emotion was rapidly dissipating as James returned to his usual contained self. "When I try to liven things up a little bit, he says something like 'Is sex all you ever think about?' And I get it, not everyone is into sex like that. I researched it. He just has a low sex drive. And it's fine, I accept that in him and I love him and sex isn't worth ruining the awesome relationship we have."

"But James...in the meantime you're not getting what you need."

"I have a hand."

"You know it's not the same."

"So what? It does the job. Logan makes me happy in every other area. He loves me. That's all that matters."

"I'm going to ask you one more time, and I'm not trying to piss you off, okay? Just tell me this."

"What?" James obviously didn't want to hear it.

"What if you didn't have to choose? What if there was someone who could make you happy in all the areas? Who would take care of you when you're sick but the second you're better, fuck you up against the refrigerator without warning?"

"Oh god," James whispered, an involuntary shiver jolting him.

"What if there was someone who would take you on a romantic date to the mountains, spend the day playing in the snow with you but then lock you in a cabin and make love to you all night in front of a roaring fire?"

The vision was enough to have James biting his lip. "That doesn't exist, Lucy. Nobody has it all."

"Are you sure? You've never known anyone like that?"

James was fighting himself, not wanting to admit his next words. "I knew a guy once. He was uh...we were definitely on the same page sexually."

"Yeah? And what happened?"

"He ended up with someone else. We said goodbye."

"And was he like that? Someone who would do all of that for you?"

"I don't know. We only knew each other for a week."

"But...?"

"But...if anybody even came close to that ideal person you're describing, it's him. He could make me feel safe and at peace in one second, and the next we were ripping each others' clothes off. I mean...sort of. But don't you think if we were meant to be, we would've been? He obviously was in love with the other guy and not me. And I was in love with Logan."

Again Lucy hesitated. "Can I just run an idea by you? I'm afraid it's going to piss you off or—"

"Then don't say it."

"James, I think—"

"No, Lucy. I finally have what I want with Logan and nothing's going to get in the way of that."

"I'm not trying to break you guys up. I know you love each other very much."

"We do."

"Right, but...that doesn't mean it's a perfect situation. So here's my theory about it, and please remember I'm only trying to help." When James kept his mouth shut though he clearly wished she was the one not speaking, she began, "You moved here to find yourself. To experience life in a way you never had. To experience love. Am I right so far?"

"Yes," he conceded.

"You were scared. Felt like a failure. Like no one could love you, that you weren't worthy of anyone."

"That's a little much."

"Is it?" she asked shrewdly. "Which part of that isn't true?" James defiantly held his silence. "So you were afraid of being judged, and then there was this nice guy who didn't judge you. He was lonely and felt like he'd never find anyone who would accept him, but you did. You guys formed this awesome, supportive friendship and got comfortable. It was safe and familiar. Neither of you was alone anymore."

"What's your point?"

"I'm just wondering if..."

"No. I know where you're going with that and the answer is no."

"No? So if you'd met someone else who accepted you first, you wouldn't have latched onto him instead? What if you'd met the other guy first? Or...did you?"

"None of that matters."

"I think it does, James."

"Logan and I love each other."

"Yes, but would you have loved someone else who came along first? Or did you two just settle for the first guy who accepted you?"

"Excuse me, nothing about Logan Mitchell is 'settling.' He's everything a guy could possibly want."

"Except in bed."

"Bed isn't important."

"Says the guy who almost creamed himself over the idea of being fucked against a refrigerator."

James' patience fled. "Look, you're wrong! We're happy together. I don't care about the sex! Logan was there for me when nobody else wanted to be. There's no way in hell I'd hurt him or walk away from that. He means everything to me, why can't you see that?"

"I do see it," Lucy sighed, knowing she'd pushed James too far; he'd gotten to that panicked stage where he was lashing out. "And I'm not saying it's wrong. I just wish you'd be honest with him about the sex, because you're not going to be happy until you do."

"I am happy. That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"And with the sex you wouldn't be happier?"

"It's not like we don't have sex at all! I'll take what I can get and be satisfied with that."

"But that's my point, James. I don't think you are satisfied."

"Well, you're wrong." James shoved away from the wall and stood up. "Logan and I belong together and I'm never leaving him. So just keep your theories to yourself."

"Okay. I'm sorry I upset you."

"Whatever. Let's just finish this."

For the next two hours, that's what they did. There was no more mention of James' sex life, but Lucy hoped she'd at least planted enough seeds to make him aware of things he purposely ignored.