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"I'd really appreciate another drink, Emmett," I say as I rub Bella's thigh. Her skin is so soft there. It feels great against my face. And I'd know because my face spends a lot of time in that area.
"Me too. I'll buy the next round. I can sure afford it," adds Bella, slurping the last bit from her glass. Shit, that was fast. Bella is a total lightweight, so she rarely drinks. Tonight, she's already had two. This should be interesting. Maybe spending the afternoon with my mother drove her to drink. I know I feel like that sometimes. Especially that one time my mom wanted my dad to share sex tips with me.
Yeah. No thanks. That almost put me off sex for a few hours, until Bella walked into my room in a towel.
"Dude, I just got out of that long ass line with the last round," Emmett whines. "Why can't we just wait for the waitress?" He looks toward Rosalie for support, I guess, but she just stares at him and shakes her head.
"You wanted to go, Emmett. She came and took our order while you were gone."
We're all sitting at our favorite pub having some drinks to celebrate my new job, apparently on hipster night because the place is packed with dudes rocking ironic t-shirts and beards with more product in them than my hair.
"You're going to make me pull out the 'tainted love agreement,' Em. I'm beginning to feel very sad that you almost lost me the love of my life."
I say the last part looking at said love, who is sitting very close to me and feeling really happy after a few drinks. She's grinning wildly at me.
"You are the sweetest boyfriend. You are a great catch and your hair is soft," she says, rubbing her breasts against my arm. Those are also very soft and feel great against my face. She reaches over and downs my drink. I raise an eyebrow at her because she's sort of rambling and drinking everything. She blows me a kiss.
"Fuck," Emmett grumbles. "I never should have agreed to these terms. I think he tricked us, Jasper. It's been almost six months since 'the incident that shall not be named.' "
"Only two more months to go of you two doing me favors." I chortle. "I think my car needs a wash, come to think of it."
"Ooh, car wash. Make them do it in speedos," Alice says.
"Et tu, Alice?" Jasper says.
"Just because you guys look hot doing manual labor while shirtless."
"Right?" adds Rosalie, high-fiving Alice.
"You and your precious car. I liked it better when you were a loner that had sexual feelings for it," says Emmett.
"We swore that subject was verboten," I say, tossing some peanut shells at him. "Don't make me write an addendum to our agreement."
"Watch it with the peanuts. I have allergies. My head will get fat," Emmett whines.
Bella and I snicker, but say nothing. It's too easy.
"At least we got him to reduce it from a year's worth of favors, Emmett. I think that was good negotiating," says Jasper. Alice rolls her eyes and laughs.
"Oh my god, you two fools," says Rosalie. "He's a lawyer and a genius like this one over here." She gestures to Bella. "You're lucky you're not his indentured servants. Seriously, I may have to start thinking about my life choices considering who I picked as my life mate."
I smirk at my girlfriend who is trying to covertly move my hand higher up her skirt. Alice raises an eyebrow at me. So, not so covert then.
"And don't even mention that you played a lawyer on television. You know that doesn't count," Rosalie adds.
Emmett makes a grumpy face. "I played a judge," he mumbles.
I stifle a laugh. "I might have to watch this winner of a movie where you're playing a judge. Are you supposed to be a child prodigy or just playing 'mature'?"
"I was on Days of Our Lives. I got a love scene, too. I banged the defense attorney who had amnesia."
I snort loudly. Bella leans in whispering, "I'd like to bang a certain attorney so hard he'd get amnesia."
I cough. "Fuck."
Later, mouths Bella. Jesus, how many shots has she had? She's never this...friendly in public. Or buzzed, for that matter.
"I think you have a real shot at a daytime Emmy nomination," adds Jasper. "You really made me feel the conflict about having to convict your twin sister of murdering your step-dad while he was possessed by a demon."
"Please tell me you have this episode recorded," I say, momentarily distracted from the small, insistent hand that keeps grazing my cock.
"Oh, I do. I have the DVD we submitted for nomination consideration. It has my best work."
"That's really saying something." I laugh. Bella has now untucked my shirt and is running her nails across my abs. I stop laughing and groan.
"I really like this new, happy Edward. He was so sullen before," says Alice to Bella.
"I was sullen because I was in a fake relationship without my knowledge because of you people. Hence, the aforementioned tainted love agreement."
"Bullshit. He's happy because he's getting regular pu-" Emmett is interrupted by Rosalie whacking him on the arm. "Ouch, babe. I know better than to say pussy. I was going to say putang. I have class."
"Yeah. Hot yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays," I mutter.
Rosalie sighs. "You're so lucky that I love you despite all this."
"It helps that you have a giant wang, Emmett," Bella chimes in, temporarily stopping her seduction. Good thing, because I was close to whimpering. "And you both are really bendy. I guess from the yoga?"
"Bella!" I say. "And may I ask how you know about Emmett's junk?"
She shrugs. "Rosalie is really loud and descriptive and our walls are thin. You don't have to be jealous. I love yours. It's so good when you're all the way in, I almost pass out-"
"Jesus, Bella," I groan. "Stop, baby."
"Am I over-sharing? Sorry. I just wanted to let everyone know how much I love your cock. It's magical. How are you so good at everything? Did Carlisle show you? Your mom always says, 'Like father like son.' I think she was talking about your penises."
"Ugh. My mom is too much."
"Apparently you and Dr. C are too much in the man department," Alice trills.
"Hey, I resemble that remark," says Jasper.
"You really do, sweetie." Alice pats his arm.
"Alice doesn't scream like Rosalie," Bella says. "She sings. It mostly sounds like porno opera. It's all like high notes and curse words. Though that time you did a mash-up of Salt 'n Pepa was really good."
" 'Push It' is a masterpiece. But, yeah. I can't really do my best work when Jasper is doing his best work...if you know what I mean." She waggles her eyebrows.
"Okay. So now I know what everyone sounds like in the throws of passion. Fantastic. I'm glad we're all so close," I mutter.
"Dude. We're just like a family," Emmett says, hand raised for a high five.
"Families don't listen to each other's sex noises," Rosalie says.
"Esme probably does. She's really involved in our lives. She asked me if Edward is a gentle and caring lover," Bella says, taking Alice's drink.
I groan. "I swear to god that woman is mental. I better check the closet when we go to bed tonight."
"She won't be there tonight. She's making plans. Lots of plans. I saw her book when I was there earlier."
"What? Is she redecorating?" I ask.
"I think she has to find a place for the crib. Oops," she says, covering her mouth. "No one is supposed to know."
"What the - is my mom pregnant? No fucking way. She's too old for that. Gross."
"You know your mom is way hot, right? Your dad must be hitting that on the regular," says Emmett. "Am I right? Jasper?" Emmett holds his hand up for a fist bump, but instead encounters everyone's horrified faces.
Well, not Bella's. She's occupied trying to make me come in my pants, I assume in an effort to distract me from the news...or because she's horny. I gently remove her hands from my dick, because this is too horrifying for me to stay hard.
"Dude. What the fuck?" I say. "Never speak of my mom and dad again. I can't even say which thought is more heinous."
"Your mother is not too old to have a baby. She's in her mid forties, and looks like she's ten years younger," chimes in Alice.
"She's got the body of a swimsuit model."
"Seriously, Emmett?" asks Rosalie. "Edward is going to have a panic attack."
"My mom? She's pregnant?" I let out a series of inarticulate sounds.
"He sounds like that video of a turtle having sex," says Emmett.
"Oh, that one was funny," adds Rosalie.
Emmett looks at her with love. "You complete me."
"Can we get back to my parents boning and not the turtle?" I screech.
"Yikes. Edward is losing it," says Jasper.
Yeah, I might be. My voice just got higher than Emmett's falsetto when he was in a boy band. I need to go to the source before I really freak out. I hit "Smother" on my phone.
"Mommy?" I say when she answers. She gasps. I never call her that. I put her on speaker phone so everyone can share in my misery.
"Oh my stars! My first born love-muffin," she says. "I'm so happy you called me. I was thinking about you while I was planning."
"Bella said you are pregnant!" I blurt out. Bella gasps and tries to smack me on the arm. She misses and hits her own arm.
My mom sucks in a breath. "I can't believe she told you that! I had a whole evening planned with a drama group and fireworks."
"Mrs. C! You were hiring other actors and not me and Jasper!" cries Emmett.
"Oh, Emmett, sweetheart, you're like family. I couldn't hire you for this job. But I do have some friends who are looking for good-looking boys for hire. They said they wanted two 'rent-boys' to perform for a private party. I know you can sing that song about the five hundred minutes. You'll be perfect for that job."
Alice snorts. "Congrats, Mrs. Cullen. You're the best mom I know."
"Thank you. But I really didn't want anyone to find out this way. I didn't even know that Bella knew about it. But that girl is too smart to hide anything from. That's why she got so much money from selling her company this week."
Everyone gasps.
Bella says, "Oh fiddlesticks. That woman knows and sees everything."
"Oh, was that a secret, sweetheart? I guess we're even now. Edward, my shmoopie, I'll expect you over soon to rub cocoa butter on my stomach to prevent stretch marks. It will be a good way to bond with your baby sister. See you, my love."
"Um, when were you going to tell us that you sold Shipper?" asks Rosalie.
"Yes, Bella. I thought we were your partners?" adds Alice.
She hiccups. "Er, technically I wrote our agreement that you two had a percentage of the company, but not control."
"So explain the details before you barf," says Rosalie, grabbing her drink from Bella's hand.
I'm still stunned that I'm going to be a brother, so I'm sitting here like a dumbass, just realizing that my girlfriend is probably rich.
"So I got a call from the people at Match. They wanted the company and made a good offer. I accepted. So I, along with you, have money."
"Not so fast, missy. We're not a dating site. We're a fake dating site," says Rosalie.
"And how much money?" asks Alice. "Like 'I can get a new designer shoes' money, or 'I can go to Europe' money?"
"Like 'you can buy a beach house in Malibu' money," Bella says. "And they wanted my on-device debugging tools and my proprietary cloud-based backend services for their site."
"I'm a rich girl, because she sold her app, and working doesn't matter anyway...
I can rely on Bella's money...Rose can rely on Bella's money-" Alice croons, dancing around our table. "Yes! Now my mom won't care that I haven't graduated yet."
"Wow. I don't even know what she said, but I understand 'beach house money,' " mumbles Rosalie. "You're amazing, Bella. I should let you invest my money...once I've purchased that BMW convertible I've been coveting."
"I understand 'back-end services' but I think it's a different kind," says Emmett.
"For sure, Rent-Boy," I add.
"I'm giving all the employees a large bonus, too, Emmett. So you and Jasper will get a big check. You won't have to be a rent-boy."
"Bella, you're the greatest. Because of you, I met Alice and I have some money to start that summer theater group I've been planning for extremely good-looking men," Jasper says, reaching over to hug her.
She glows with all the praise from our friends. Or it could be beer sweats. She has had everyone's drinks. She turns to me and touches my face.
"Edward...I'm sorry I drank so much. Two secrets were too much for me to hold onto. After I barf I promise to brush really good and then we can have sexy times," she says, eyes drooping. "I love you." She groans and then burps really loud, collapsing on my lap.
So much for the sexy times.
But I have the job I want. My smother will soon have another person to focus all of her interest upon. And best of all, my brilliant Bella is here next to me, loving me. She's passed out, but I know how she feels.
All in all I'm feeling fucking great.
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AN: One more, I think. Maybe our favorite smother gives birth. This is unbeta'd, so be kind. I appreciate every comment, even if I don't respond. I haven't had much motivation to write, but I was sitting in my husband's hospital room (he's okay) and thought of Edward. I even got a plot bunny for a contest.