"Oh my god. That is so painful," Bella says, clutching her stomach. "I can't deal with this."
"Suck it up, Bella," says Alice. "Women do it all the time."
"Remind me to get completely knocked out next time," she says.
"Next time?" Rose scoffs. "You act like you're having the baby and not just sitting here listening to pregnant women moan."
We are sitting in the hospital waiting room for labor and delivery. My mom checked in a few hours ago, and we're waiting for my baby sister to arrive. Finally. I mean, it's been months of hearing about and preparing for the birth of the 'chosen one.' My mom has been consumed with the baby so much, that she's hardly meddled in my life at all. All of our 'momma snuggle' time has been cut down severely. In fact, she's barely called me or sent a poorly timed text message in the last few months at all, unless it was something about the kid.
Like to pose for a picture with my hands on my mother's stomach...yeah, I did that. Every month. My mom says it will be adorable in the baby's book, but I'm thinking it's majorly creepy and no one needs to see that shit.
"Okay...When I get pregnant, I'll get knocked out for the delivery," Bella says, distracting me from my thoughts.
"Is that going to be anytime soon?" I ask. I'm nervous, but I try not to show it. We're only recently engaged, so a baby might fuck up all my wedding night-slash-honeymoon sex I have planned.
"Hell, no. We haven't even planned our wedding yet, Edward."
"I know, Bella. You need to get on that right away," Alice says.
"The only thing I need to get on right away is that," she says, pointing to my crotch. Apparently her sympathy pains have not dampened her insatiable sex drive. I mentally high five myself for picking her for my life partner. I give her a smirk, as I think about her riding me later.
The semi I was sporting is foiled by a particularly loud expletive followed by crying that almost shakes the walls. Geez. Women really get the shitty end of that whole child birth thing. Sometimes I wonder why they even fuck us at all.
Bella rubs her still flat stomach and yelps.
"Seriously?" Rose cocks an eyebrow at her.
"It's sympathy pain, I tell you."
"More like that bag of flaming hot cheetos you devoured a few minutes ago," Alice says.
We all laugh. Bella can do some damage to hot Cheetos.
"Shut it. Et tu, Edward? I'll remember that tonight when you're asking me to do that thing with my tongue you like." She gives me a dirty look. Her two friends keep laughing. I shut up because Bella's tongue is magic, and I am not stupid. I rub her palm the way she likes it and kiss her temple.
"I'm sorry, baby. Do you want me to rub your stomach?"
"Ugh. you two are so..." Rosalie makes a gagging noise. "I'm amazed she's not pregnant already with the amount of boning you two do."
"I know, right? Sometimes I think I can get pregnant just from the way he looks at her," Alice chimes in. "Bella, is his cum face like-"
"Please do not finish that question, I beg you," I say. "And for pete's sake no songs about my, er, face." I rub my hands over said face, hoping Alice doesn't think about what I look like when I drop a load. What are these two doing here anyway? It's my mother having a baby. Our friends are just a tad too involved in our lives.
"Seriously, though, all that moaning and yelling is making me feel sick. Your poor mom."
"Mom isn't even making noise, Bella. That's the other women down the hall. I'm sure she's fine."
Emmett and Jasper arrive from their coffee run. The cafeteria coffee wasn't cutting it for those two. Apparently there was a 'distinct lack of artisanal choices.' Many years as baristas while trying to make it in the acting business have made them very judgey when it comes to coffee. I'm not really going to complain because the coffee did suck, and they left us for a while. Win win.
"Concur. Esme is totally fine," Emmett comments, handing me my latte. "She's still got it, even nine months pregnant." I give him the look that says, 'stop talking about my mom that way, asshole.'
"Yeah, she barely looks pregnant. Edward's stomach is bigger than hers," Jasper adds. "Especially since he stopped doing our workouts."
"You're so right. That night he had the vanilla shake he looked like he was smuggling a basketball under his shirt."
"Bite me, Emmett. That was a lactose issue. Why are you here, again?" I retort.
"One, I love your mother and she treats us all like family. Two, I'm up for a major part playing a doctor. Do you think they'll let me cut the cord?" Emmett asks.
I sigh.
Rosalie laughs. "I think Carlisle is going to do that, babe. But I'll let you play amateur gynoecologist tonight."
"Sweet jeezus," I mutter. "How much longer can this take?"
"Your dad said it would be hours," Bella says. "I don't know how your mom can stand it, though. She really is supermom. Didn't she look amazing when we went in to visit her?"
"Unbelievable," Rosalie agrees. "If I look one tenth as good when I deliver Dr. Bigfoot's giant spawn, I'll be thrilled."
This sets Alice off with one of her songs. Bella and I groan as she starts making mouth music.
"She's unbelievable...oh!...the labor, you say, could go all the day-"
She's interrupted, mercifully by my father bursting into the waiting room.
"Maggie's here!" he says excitedly.
"Who's that?" asks Emmett.
"The baby, you moron. Why did you think you were here?"
"Oh, right. I didn't know the name. Hey, Dr. C, did you cut the cord already?"
"Yes, Emmett. Edward, come see your sister." My dad looks tired but overjoyed. He hasn't looked that excited since my mom took up tantric yoga. That was a really tough time in my life. Great time for them, obviously, but sometimes I still wake up screaming, "My eyes, my eyes!"
"Bella, sweetheart, you come too. The rest of you can come in a few minutes."
We walk into my mom's room as she's singing to a small bundle. "Everything I do...I do it for you...I would die for youuuuu..."She finishes the last few bars and then notices us. Great. Now she's breaking into song, too. I was just getting used to Alice doing that shit.
"Edward, Bella, look at your new sister! She's the most precious baby ever born! No baby has ever been cuter. She's my everything!"
"Thanks, mom," I snark. "See what happens next time you want snuggle muffin time with me," I mumble under my breath.
Bella wraps her arm around me, and whispers in my ear. "There's so much wrong with that statement considering it's to your mom, but I still love you, momma's boy."
I scowl at that.
"Holy crap. You're jealous! I can't believe you're actually missing all of your mom's attention." Bella gasps and laughs incredulously.
"Am not," I mumble. She turns toward my mother, stepping away from me.
"She's beautiful, Esme. You and Carlisle make the most perfect babies," Bella says, reaching to hold it. Her. Whatever. I stand petulantly by the door. I don't know what wrong with me. All these years of wishing that my mom would stop smothering me and being hyper-involved in my life, and now she's dumped me for this little red-haired girl.
"Look at her, Edward. I can't believe it. I never thought..." my mom begins to cry. "You don't know what a miracle this is. We'd given up hope twenty years ago, and now she's here."
My dad holds her hand and kisses her temple. I'm standing in the doorway like a douchebag, frozen in my resentment.
She motions with her head for me to come to her. "Hold out your arms, Big Brother. You need to bond."
"Oh, Carlisle..." my mom sobs as Bella puts the baby in my arms.
Okay, so she's not ugly. I stare at her scrunched up face. She got reddish curls sticking up all over her tiny head. Her eyes are round and blue and staring at me.
And then she starts to wail.
"Dude, I told you that Edward has no game with the ladies. She's crying already," Emmett says, walking in to my mom's room along with the others. "He's lucky we set him up with Bella, or he'd be living in your basement, Dr. C."
My dad laughs and says, "Thank you, Emmett." What the fuck?
I was about to pass off the girl to someone, but I rock her a little to show that I do have game. I mean, not game obviously, but that I can take care of a crying baby. I also noticed my future wife and mother of my kids giving me the stink eye as I was holding the baby like it was an old football. The girl stops crying, and I feel pretty smug.
"Wow, Bella. Look at Edward playing daddy. He's actually doing a good job," Rosalie adds. "Congratulations, Esme and Carlisle."
The rest of the gang adds their well-wishes as everyone coos over the baby and says how gorgeous she is. I guess she's cute. Let's not get crazy with saying she's the best baby ever. I have ribbons that say I was. My mom made them, but still.
"Carlisle, take pictures of my babies," my mom says, bursting into more tears. Geez, I thought the hormones would be under control now.
She hasn't cried this much since I left for college. That was a rough few weeks as we weaned her off tucking me in nightly. I was lucky that my roommate thought she was my hot girlfriend doing 'mommy' role play or things may have been really uncomfortable.
"So, Dr. C, did you save the placenta for me?" Emmett asks. "I was hoping to do some improv with it la-"
Rosalie elbows him. "You're not touching that if you ever expect to touch me again."
"Aw, Rosalie. You know I need to practice."
"You can practice your lines without touching Esme's innards like a serial killer."
Yikes. This went to a really dark place quickly.
"Hey, pass me that baby. I need to get in on the action," Emmett whines.
"No!" says my mother too loudly. I guess wanting to play with her body parts was a deal-breaker for the handling of the kid.
"Maybe we should go," Jasper says. "I have to look fresh for my audition tomorrow, anyway. I need to pass for sixteen, so I need my beauty rest."
"And a time machine," mutters Bella.
"It's on the WB; he might be too young looking to pass for high school," Alice says, defending her man. She should have just said he had the emotional maturity of a teen, and we all would have agreed.
"Why is Jasper getting all the good young parts and I have to play old?" whines Emmett.
"You're not old, baby," coos Rosalie. She rubs his shoulders. "You're just too hot and manly to play a high school kid."
"And Jasper isn't?" cries Alice.
"Yeah!" exclaims Jasper.
Oh fuck me. Now is not the time for this bull. I can see my mom getting agitated.
Just then the girl makes a cooing noise and sticks up her fist. It's the cutest thing ever. She looks into my eyes and I realize that I have been a total dick about my sister. Especially since my mother really needs somewhere to place all of her focus now that I'm getting married.
I guess I've been wrong to be jealous of a baby. She is my baby sister after all. She's beautiful, and I need to tell my mom.
"So...I realize that if anyone has enough love for two people it's you, mom."
"Oh, Edward," my mom says through tears.
"I love you, Maggie," I whisper to her.
"Oh my god, my ovaries just exploded," Alice says. Bella fans herself and bites her lip.
Emmett takes a picture with his phone.
"Great idea to snap a pic, Em. Send it to everyone," Rosalie says.
"Really? I just wanted to capture the look Edward had so I can use it for my next role. The guy is supposed to be pussy whipped."
I glare at him. Rosalie gives him an elbow in the ribs. He shrugs with no shame.
"Maggie looks like me," I offer. "And my 'Smother' says I was formerly the most beautiful baby of all time, so..."
My mom lets out a sob of joy, and then Bella beams at me. "She does. And I hope our babies look just like you." Her eyes shine with love. And maybe a little bit of horniness. "Wanna go make one?"
Okay, a lot of horniness.
That's my girl. And we're going to live happily ever after.
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A/N: That's all folks. Thank you for your patience. So sorry it took forever to finish. I was inspired by all the lovely reviews for my other story, Missed Connections. Check it out if you are so inclined.