A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

As always, I thank you for reading! Happy weekend, everyone. :)

"Thank god you're awake. Do you have time to talk?" Logan sounded frantic.

"I've got about ten minutes before Mom and Katie pick me up. Everything okay? You guys left in a hurry last night." Kendall put the call on speaker and sat down to put on his shoe.

"Yeah, that was...I'm sorry about that. Was Lucy mad?"

"She was concerned. I'm sure you'll be hearing from her today. Or at least James will."

"Kendall...I'm really confused at the moment. Something happened last night and I don't understand it and I don't know how I feel about it and...it scares the hell out of me."

"Can I assume that this has something to do with why you two left abruptly?"

"I...yeah, I guess. James just took off. We had a fight and he's really mad at me right now."

"Mad at you? For what? I thought things were good."

"I don't know where to start. Have you ever met someone and just..."

Logan didn't finish the question. "Are you...pacing? Dude, calm down. Just breathe."

"I really fucked up, Kendall. I can't even face James without...oh god, I'm such an asshole."

"Logan," Kendall said firmly. "Calm down and talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm attracted to someone else."

"Oh. Okay, well...that happens. It's not a crime, Logan. You can be attracted to someone without it going anywhere."

"Okay but I can't stop thinking about him, something happened when I met him. I can't explain it. I've never felt this before. And then...I kissed him."

Kendall was glad he was sitting down. "Who?"

"The guy. Um. He actually kissed me, but I liked it and didn't want to stop and I can't stop thinking about him and I've never felt like this about anyone and I don't know what to do. What does this mean?"

Utter silence stretched over the line.

"Kendall, please! Talk to me, I'm losing my mind! I'm terrified James is gonna find out and leave me and...what if I see the guy again and I still feel it? What's happening to me?"

Carlos. It had to be Carlos. Kendall licked his lips, barely trusting himself to speak. "I can't help you," he said softly.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Logan. I can't help you with this."

"Why the hell not?"

"I'm sorry. I can't talk to you about this."

"You're my best friend! I have no one else to talk to! Please, Kendall, I don't know what to do!"

A text came through from Katie. "Look, my family's here, I have to go anyway, but...just don't do anything stupid. James is devoted to you in every possible way and I think you'd be crazy to give that up."

"I know. How do I stop these feelings for the other guy?"

That's a damn good question. "Just talk to James."

"I can't. I'm scared he won't come back."

"Logan, if there's one thing I've learned about James, it's that he always comes back. When he does, make sure he knows that you love him."

"He said he knows that. It's...I don't think it's enough."

Kendall sighed. He wasn't sure it would be, either.

Kendall looked up from his menu when a shadow fell over it.

"Room for one more?" James asked hesitantly.

"James!" Jennifer jumped up from the booth to hug him excitedly. "I thought you couldn't come!"

"You know I can't resist those waffles."

His dead eyes belied the joke, making Kendall's heart ache to soothe him. As usual, Katie said the worst possible thing.

"What's wrong with your hair? You look like you just rolled out of bed or something."

"Oh god, is it that bad?"

"It's fine," Kendall assured him with a glare aimed Katie's way. Then he reached out a hand to grab James' and tug him down while scooting further into the booth. "Sit."

James wrenched his hand out of the grip. "I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Order me whatever you're having."

Once he'd disappeared, Kendall stared at Katie. "Do you even know how to be polite? We'll be lucky if he doesn't leave now."

Katie stuck her tongue out at him. Jennifer tried a more rational approach. "Oh honey, go after him. Don't let him leave."

Kendall had no intention of allowing that to happen. "I'll be back. You guys know what we want."

"Just go on," Jennifer urged.

James tensed up when he caught sight of Kendall in the mirror. Kendall immediately lifted his palms out in a non-threatening gesture. "I'll behave. I promise."

"You'd better. I don't have the strength to fight you off right now."

Hoping it would relax James a little, Kendall opted for a joke while stepping close enough to rest his hands on James' shoulders. "Is that supposed to chase me away?" A quiet chuckle was his response before James leaned back slightly. Kendall provided the wall James needed. "Talk to me," he pressed gently.

"I don't know why I'm here."

"Logan called me. He said you guys had a fight."

James swallowed hard, meeting Kendall's gaze in the mirror. "Did he tell you what it was about?"

"Not really. He's scared, James. Terrified you won't come back."

"I fucking told him I'm not leaving him," James grated with a roll of his eyes. "I just needed time. I was stupid and got myself all hyped up for something that never happened."

When someone walked into the room, Kendall stepped away but only because he knew how desperate James was to keep his sexuality a secret. He gestured toward the door with his head, waiting for James to follow him out into the hallway so they could talk. Memories of their first electrifying kiss haunted him but he forced them away. "Why did you guys leave last night?"

James let out an unamused sound. "Would you believe Logan was horny and couldn't wait?"

So that's why he'd been so turned on. Of course. It all fell into place now that he knew there had been another man to rile Logan up. No wonder James was so hurt. Unless... "Any idea why?"

"I thought it was the costumes. Maybe it was, I don't know. I just didn't expect that when we woke up this morning, we'd be right back to square one." James leaned closer to whisper, "I fucking blew him awake, Kendall, and it didn't even matter. He didn't want it."

Oh good lord if only Kendall had that to look forward to every morning, he'd never complain about waking up early again. Was Logan dead? "Did you ask why?"

"No, I know why. It doesn't matter what I do, it's not good enough. He just doesn't like sex. But I mean...I don't like astronomy and I watch those documentaries with him. Is it so wrong to ask him to give a little once in awhile?"

"No, I don't think it is. Sex is very personal, though. It's not like sitting through a television show, there's a lot more participation involved."

"Okay, but it's sex. Why is that a chore?"

"I think you need to ask him that. You've accepted that he's not a very sexual person but have you ever wondered why? Have you ever asked him to explain his feelings about it?"

"I don't want him to think all I care about is sex."

"I think he knows that by now, because if you did, you would've been gone a long time ago. You were friends with him for a year before sex even came into the picture. He knows, James." James sighed, not wanting to concede the point. "Look, I'm going to be honest with you. More honest than I've ever been face to face."

It was obvious that James didn't want to hear truths. "Don't tell me to leave him. I'm not going to do it."

"That's not what I'm gonna say." Wondering how to put it all into words, Kendall wrapped his hands around James' biceps and looked him in the eye. "I told Logan earlier that I can't help him with this. I can't give him advice. I'm telling you the same thing."

"Why?"

"Because I can't be unbiased. The outcome of this...well, I won't say I have a stake in it because you've already told me that even if you and Logan did end it, I wouldn't be next. But I'm too close to the problem, James. My feelings for you will cloud my judgment and my advice."

James' breathing had become shallow. "F-Feelings?"

"It's no secret that I'm attracted to you. I have been from the moment I laid eyes on you. I love and respect you and Logan too much to let that attraction affect my friendship with either of you. Talk to him. Be honest. Tell him what you need from him. Listen to what he needs from you. I know you guys can meet in the middle, you love each other so much. Just be honest for a change about what you want."

"What if we don't want the same things?" James asked in a tiny voice.

"Then go from there. You have to tell him what you want, though, or you'll never know the answer to that."

"I can't lose him, Kendall." The fear was so intense that James trembled.

"You won't," Kendall promised, dragging James into his arms. "Because you both want it to work so badly. You're willing to put in whatever it takes to make it work, right?"

"I am. What if he's not? What if I'm not enough and he's just bored with me?"

"I promise that's not the case. He was almost in tears when he called me. He loves you so much." He waited until he felt James calm down enough to listen again. "Text him. Tell him you'll be home soon, just so he knows you're coming back."

"I'm not ready to face him yet."

"Then stay and eat breakfast with us. But don't make him wait too long. Think of how you felt when you thought you'd never see him again."

James finally stepped back and cleared his throat. "Okay."

"Go in there and clean up. I'll make sure my demon sister doesn't eat your waffles."

"Thanks." James stopped Kendall before he could disappear around the corner. "Hey. I mean it. Thanks."

Kendall offered up a half-smile. "That's what friends are for."

James followed Kendall's advice and texted Logan. When a phone call came in immediately after, James declined that. He still wasn't ready to talk. He needed to get his emotions under control first.

Breakfast with the Knight family did that for him. Nobody mentioned that James' eyes were red and puffy (not even Katie for once) and talk remained light, mostly focusing on what the Patriots' win meant for the team. James again promised to be present at the state championship no matter what, and he could see that it meant a lot to Kendall.

What he didn't understand was why.

What the hell had Kendall been talking about when he mentioned "feelings"? They barely tolerated each other.

And yet here they were, side by side enjoying waffles and eggs while laughing like old friends. Today had to be the weirdest day James had ever lived, and it wasn't even noon.

It felt like only five minutes had passed before Jennifer mentioned that they needed to be going if they wanted to beat traffic. The dread returned along with the knowledge that he would have to face Logan soon and had no idea how to do that. What if he was honest with Logan and it backfired? What if Logan admitted that he wasn't sexually attracted to James and it was never going to change? Then what?

It suddenly felt like too much. The terror crescendoed until James thought he might scream right there in the middle of the restaurant, but then there was a warm hand squeezing his thigh and a soothing voice in his ear. "It's gonna be okay. I promise." James closed his eyes for a moment, letting the comforting gesture work its magic, and then he could breathe again.

"You know what, Mom? You guys go ahead, James will drop me off at home."

Both Jennifer and Katie turned to Kendall in surprise. "Honey, we still have to pay the bill."

"I got it," James piped up. "Let me cover this one."

"James, you don't have to—"

"Trust me, breakfast with you guys was exactly what I needed today. Let me handle it as a thank you."

Jennifer's smile was touched. "You don't have to pay just to sit with us, you know. You're welcome anytime."

James nodded slowly. "I do know. And it means a lot to me, so...thanks."

Kendall nudged James into moving. "Let me walk them out."

James didn't escape without a hug from Jennifer, and he was grateful for it. She allowed him to hold on longer than necessary and even whispered, "Are you okay?"

"I will be," he whispered back.

"You have my number. I'm here."

It was almost enough to set him off again. "Thank you. See you at state."

Perhaps sensing that he wasn't at his best, Katie shocked James with a hug; it was brief, but coming from her it was a show of acceptance. "Go brush your hair."

"I fixed it in the bathroom, demon."

"Still sticking up funny on the side."

James gasped, a hand going to his hair while Kendall rolled his eyes. "She's kidding. I'll be right back. Just...don't go anywhere."

For some reason the words threw him back to Rush's promise not to just the night before. At least if he lost Logan he'd still have Rush to talk to, right? Maybe? "I won't."

Only when Kendall was satisfied that was the case did he follow his family out. James sank back down into the booth and pulled out a credit card to cover the meal. The panic was starting to return but it was at a lower level this time, like a hum running through his body instead of a screech.

Once the server had picked up their bill, James braced himself and put a call through.

"Where are you?!"

The concerned exclamation should've been reassuring, but it only ratcheted up his anxiety. "Almost home. I'm sorry I ignored your call, I just needed time."

"Just talk to me, James. I'm sorry about this morning. I don't know what to say."

Neither did James. This was going to be a fun conversation. "We'll figure it out. I should be home in about a half hour at the most."

"I thought you said you were almost here."

"I have to make a stop first." Letting Logan puzzle that out, he added a tentative but heartfelt, "I love you." He could hear what the words did to Logan; his self-contained, rational boyfriend was about to lose it. At least James wasn't alone in that, and maybe Kendall was right. Maybe because they both wanted it to work so badly, it would.

"I love you, too. Please come home."

The quiet but desperate plea had James wanting to run all the way there. "I'll be there soon."

"You called him."

James looked away, unable to meet the green eyes that seemed to see everything he was usually so good at hiding from the world. What was it about this family that they could do that to him? "I felt bad for ignoring his calls."

"I'm sure he's made himself sick by now wondering where you are, so let's go."

Kendall hadn't bothered to sit. James made sure he had his card before standing, and together they walked out into the bleak sunshine that was bleeding through the morning.

"Did you tell him you were with me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Just...didn't."

"Okay," Kendall nodded. He waited for James to pop the locks on his car, then spoke no more until they were settled in and seatbelts were fastened. "I think this is the first time I've ever been in your car."

"Definitely."

Though he noted that James was making no move to put the car in gear, he didn't push; he knew James was going through emotional hell at the moment. "I have to admit, I had alterior motives for getting you to drive me home."

A dark brow lifted as James looked over with a smirk. "Don't you mean ulterior?"

"Got a smile out of you, didn't it?"

Damn if it hadn't. He didn't know how it was possible when his life felt like it was about to shatter into a million pieces, but he was grinning so wide his cheeks hurt. "I really hate you, you know that?"

"Every day of my life." Kendall's smile matched his. "Drive."

"Whatever." James reached in for the shades he probably wouldn't need for the sunlight; they would provide a perfect mask anyway. "You're not having your way with me in this car, so don't even try to be all flirty and...hot."

"Normally I'd jump on that and run with it, but our time is short and there is something important I need to say, so..."

James braced himself as he got the car moving. "Kendall, I'm already a wreck. Please don't come at me with your asshole ways when I can barely even function."

"I'm not," Kendall promised. He and Logan had picked Kendall up enough over the past three months that James didn't need to be directed to his building, leaving Kendall time to figure out how to proceed with what he wanted to say. "Um. So I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me? What the hell did I do?"

"Fuck, I didn't expect this to be so hard. Who knew thanking someone could be awkward?"

After a quick glance over in confusion, James urged, "Will you just spit it out?"

"Okay." It took another deep breath before Kendall could say it. "I know you paid for half the skate."

The car jerked for a second as James' foot came down on the brake and then released it. Panic had returned to his face.

"Don't freak out."

"I...what? You don't really think I'd—"

"James, I know. I confronted Mom after I heard and she admitted it."

"Wait, so she wasn't the one who told you?"

"No."

"Oh my god, Katie. I didn't even think she—"

"It wasn't Katie. And that doesn't matter. What does is that...I'm sure you know how much hockey means to me."

James wanted to continue to deny the whole thing, his face red. He refused to look over. "I know."

"And even though coaching the team would've been enough, being out there with them on the ice...it not only makes me a better coach, but it gives me back some of what I've lost. A lot of it, actually."

James swallowed against the traitorous tears that seemed too close to the surface today. "Your mom would've done it anyway. It's no big deal."

"It is, though. You're right, Mom would've done it. But you did, and considering how much you hated me back then, it just...adds that much more to the gesture. Because you didn't do it for any personal gain. You did it for me."

He wanted to deny it. He wanted to yell that Kendall was wrong. "I believed in you," was what he said instead. "From the first game with Iowa, I knew you were something. You lived and breathed hockey like no other player I had ever seen before. It was part of your soul. And I just...I know what that's like. I know how I would feel if I couldn't sing again."

By the time James finished speaking, Kendall couldn't look away. He was in that trance that came over him sometimes around James, the one that made him feel like if he couldn't touch, he'd die. He'd never wanted to kiss James as badly as he did in this moment. Instead he exercised all of the self-restraint he possessed and said, "Thank you."

James kept his eyes straight ahead. He felt Kendall's gaze burning into him, knew that meeting it would be the worst idea he'd ever had. "You're welcome." Five minutes. They were five minutes away from Kendall's apartment and it felt like an eternity. Grasping for anything else to talk about, he asked, "What did you mean earlier?"

It was a relief when Kendall finally looked away. "When?"

"At the restaurant. You said something about...feelings."

"Oh." Good, now it was Kendall's turn to squirm. "Um. Just that I care about you, you know?"

"Because I'm Logan's friend."

Kendall gnawed at his lip. "No. Because I care about you."

"See, that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. You hardly know me."

"I know you better than you think."

"Oh, you wish."

The snotty tone didn't fool Kendall; James didn't like that he was right. "It really bothers you that I can read you so easily, doesn't it?"

"If you could, you'd know that I want you to shut up right now."

"I'm highly aware of that."

"Yet you still keep talking."

"You know I never back down. I don't roll over and just take it."

"So when you argue, will he be one to fight back or just roll over?" Was it his mother who had said that? And then she'd added more. "If he can't fight back, you won't respect him."

"Why is that?" James asked curiously. "If you know it's just going to piss me off, why not back down?"

"Because that's not fair to you or me. If I don't tell you how I really feel, neither of us will be happy."

"It's not like we're happy when we tell the truth, either."

"Are you sure about that?" Kendall smirked. "You had a huge smile on your face when you told me how much you hate me a few minutes ago."

And there went Kendall deflecting the point again. James pulled up in front of the apartment building and turned to him, determined to get a real answer this time. "What are these feelings you talked about? You just said nobody's happy if you don't tell the truth, so tell me right now. What the fuck did you mean by that? No no no, stop looking everywhere but at me. I'm right here. Talk to me."

The fire that normally spurred Kendall's words to James was gone; in its place was a shade of fear James had never seen before.

"I don't think this is the right time."

"Why not?"

"Because you're in a weird place with Logan and I'm not going to complicate that. It's the same reason I won't get involved with your argument. I need to just...back away and let you two work this out."

For the first time, James heard everything Kendall wasn't saying. It left him numb inside, because he had no idea how to feel about it or how it was even possible. Surely Kendall knew he could do so much better? After licking his lips and trying to get his racing heart under control, James said, "You know I love Logan."

Kendall nodded, not trusting himself to say anything.

"I can't...he's everything to me."

Again, Kendall merely nodded.

"I'm sorry."

"Me, too." Fuck James and his ability to make Kendall feel. Tears were approaching fast. He needed to get out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

"Kendall..."

"Go home and fix this."

"Okay."

The prosthetic was on the ground, all he had to do was turn and make the other foot join it. Freedom was literally a step away. Something came over Kendall, though, perhaps the knowledge that this would be his last chance to ask the question. He twisted to pin James with his gaze. "Just tell me this. Take Logan out of the picture, take...whoever that person is that's second in line." James' eyes widened, his brows appearing over the shades; he'd forgotten mentioning Rush, hadn't he? "Take that all out of the picture and tell me this. Is there something there? If it was just you and me, no one else between us...would I have even the slightest chance?"

James was struggling to breathe. "That's not a question I need to be answering right now."

"I don't care. It's my only chance to ask it."

"The answer won't change anything."

"It will change me. Or at least shut up that damn part of my brain that can't stop wondering."

James closed his eyes. "I really fucking hate you for making me do this."

"I swear, I won't tell anyone or do anything with the knowledge. I just...I need to know."

Still unable to look at Kendall, James was glad the shades provided him cover because Kendall was right in his assertion that he could read James too easily. "Everything you need to know was in that kiss."

"Which one?"

"Both of them. Now please get out of my car before I kick you out on your ass."

And just like that, Kendall knew they were back to James ignoring him and keeping his distance as much as possible at work. He had his answer, but he'd pushed too far. James couldn't face his own feelings because as Kendall had said earlier, they complicated everything. In James' mind, happiness equaled him and Logan together forever and nothing was going to change that.

Not even the possibility of what could be the most intense love they'd ever known.

He escaped the car. "Have Logan call me later. Just so I know you guys are okay."

"We're gonna be fine."

Kendall nodded, then leaned back in. "I'm sure you will. Just...please, James. Remember what I said. Be honest with him about what you need. If you keep quiet just because you're afraid of losing him, you'll always have that empty hole in your heart."

"Goodbye, Kendall." James was done with him.

"Goodbye." Kendall closed the door, feeling that empty hole in his own heart expand. Yes, James wanted him. Yes, James might even grow to love him one day; Kendall knew this because he'd fallen in love with Rush.

None of it mattered, though, because James refused to take a chance. He would forever let Logan be his safety net.

And Kendall would just have to stand by and watch. Probably for the rest of his life.

Fuck this. He's not the only beautiful asshole in the world.

With renewed determination, Kendall headed upstairs to continue the search for someone who could make him feel like James did.